A Grammar Lesson

The internet and texting have ruined the English language, that much cannot really be argued.  Some terminology that has come from these sources has been accepted into the daily lexicon, such as ‘LOL’ , ‘BRB’, ‘FML’ etc.  However, these acronyms and the time saved by using them have spawned a generation of near-illiterate youth who cannot hold a pencil.

Schools are not helping, this mentality of not correcting grammar and spelling because it’s “all about the ideas”...is BS.  We have people submitting job résumés who cannot differentiate between your and you’re,  their and there, its and it’s.  English is a difficult language with a lot of grammar rules and bastardizations from other languages, this is true, but if Ozzy Osbourne and Keanu Reeves can rub together enough brain cells to speak it, you can learn how to use it properly.

So, let me spell out some of my most hated English mistakes: 

1.  They’re/their/there:  They’re going over there to get their stuff.  They’re is a contraction of the two words “they” and “are” eg. “They’re a bunch of dorks”.  Their is a possessive pronoun, “They said not to touch their stuff, so I’m going to do it anyways”.  There usually signals direction “I’m going over there” or is used in front of verbs such as “there are 15 bananas in my pants”.  

2. Could’ve and should’ve NOT Could of and should of.  The terms ‘could of’ and ‘should of’ do not exist in the English language...they only sound similar to the proper terms could’ve (a contraction of the words could and have) and should’ve (a contraction of the words should and have).  Could and should are words that are only ever used in front of verbs...so the word ‘of’ should not come after it..in fact, I think those words need to get a restraining order against the word ‘of’ to make sure it stays 50 yards away at all times.

3. I did good.    No, you most likely did not.  Most likely, you did well.  Good is an adjective or a noun..it cannot be used to describe an action.  You did not ‘do good’ on a test...you did well on a test...if you’re describing how you did something, use the word well...unless you sucked, in which case feel free to say ‘I did good’ because you’re already a failure.

4.  Spelling badly because ‘it’s just the internet’.  Yeah, and Iron Man is just a dude in a suit.  No matter how many ways you think you’ve deleted your posts and internet history, whatever you put online stays there and can be found until the world blows up from either a solar flare or a Godzilla vs Mothra throw down (shut up, it could happen).  What you post now can be seen by any and all future employers if they look hard enough, and believe me, some do.  So, do you really want to portray yourself as some slack jawed troglodyte who cannot put three words together simply because you were too lazy to hit ‘delete’ before hitting ‘send’?  This is also important if you, like most people of this upcoming generation, ever intend to try online dating.  As someone who has experience in this, I can tell you that someone who has bad grammar and spelling is immediately much less attractive as I will assume that they are poorly educated and do not take care of themselves.

5.  The use of the terms YOLO or SWAG is to be punished by death, no exceptions.

6. I’m a gonna or I’m a go do this- No, not until you go to English class first.  Unless you live in a cabin in the mountains of Appalachia, this is not considered part of our common language.  “I’m going to” is the term...learn it, use it, memorize it, and write it down on your hand in sharpie if you need to.  Next person to say “I’m a gonna” is ‘gonna’ get a swift kick from yours truly.

7. Literally- this term has become LITERALLY overused.  “OMG, I was so freaked out that it literally blew my mind!”  No it didn’t.  If that were accurate, then you would be dead and your brains would be smeared across the ground...which would be preferable to hearing you continue to mangle the language.


There we go, I have done my bit for the English speaking world at large for today.  The next time I hear any of my friends making any of the above mentioned mistakes, rest assured in knowing that I will beat them senseless with the biggest copy of the OED I can find.