Hey Fatty!

For as long as I can remember, I’ve lived the life of a fat girl.  Even though I have lost 50 pounds over the past 15 months and am now considered to be within my ideal range, my mind is still that of a fat girl.

So, to all of you people who are skinny, slim, never had a weight issue and your biggest flaw is ‘broad shoulders’ or ‘slightly wide hips’ or even ‘short legs’ but you still complain…I would like to officially ask you to kiss my flabby white ass.

I cannot tell you how many girls I know who have never been so much as a pound overweight (I mean medically speaking, not just ‘I am fatter than perfect ideal body tone’) who do nothing but incessantly talk about their weight, how they’re fat, how they need to lose weight…etc etc.  I would just like to say, on behalf of all of the women who are fighting actual weight issues…F-U.  Seriously…F-U…F-U in all the ways you can be eff’ed. 

Obesity is one of the few physical issues in society that it is not just ok to make fun of, but it’s quite encouraged.  Nothing seems to make people happier than seeing a celebrity get fat (Britney Spears, Kim Kardashian, Jessica Simpson etc).  In my brain, there is a part of me that is evil and vindictive that thinks “Good, now you’ll know what it’s like on the other side”…but also a part of me hurts for them because now they will know just how cruel people can be.  (The rest of my brain is devoted to cat videos, Simpsons quotes and thinking of ways to fit the word ‘accoutrement’ into as many sentences as I can).

As a young pre-teen and teenager, I was mercilessly mocked, both openly and behind my back by people I thought were my friends, because I was fat.  I do attribute having developed a pretty good sense of humour to this because I always figured “if I can’t be pretty, maybe I can at least make them laugh, then they won’t make fun of me”.  While this has resulted in my being awesome in the ways of bad jokes, puns and comedy…this doesn’t mean I wouldn’t love to reap vengeance on all of those who made my formative years all the more painful. (Currently my plan involves 3 car batteries, a team of highly trained badgers and a substance that has only been clinically identified as ‘Project One’). 

When it comes to weight, everyone seems to think that they’re a doctor…it’s like how everyone who doesn’t smoke feels the need to tell a smoker that cigarettes are bad for you….HOLY SH*T! REALLY?! I bet you they had no idea!  Thank you Doctor Obvious for pointing that out!  You’ve saved their lives!  Oh happy day!  That news just shook their world!!!  Oh…the tears of joy!!!!!  Had enough sarcasm?  Get off your high horses people and keep your ‘well intentioned’ but complete BS advice to yourself…or else I’m going to cram that kale smoothie you’re telling me about right up your jigger (you get to guess where that is).

It’s a total social taboo for a childless person to give a parent advice on raising their kid, so does that not apply here?  Giving someone advice on something you know nothing about is about as arrogant, useless and douchy as a Kanye West interview. Unless you know what it’s like to avoid shopping because of how awful you feel afterwards because nothing fits…unless you have to shop in special stores because you can’t go to ‘normal’ size stores…until you get sneers from people while you’re looking through clothing racks praying they have something that will fit…shut your word hole.

(As a quick side note: a lot of this can be empathized with by a few people I know who have struggled on the opposite end of the spectrum- with anorexia- it’s still a weight problem due to an eating disorder, so we share a lot of the troubles and pains of not being ‘ideal’ and feeling frustration with girls who complain but have no idea what it’s like to really have to struggle.)

I’m not saying that I don’t get a malicious and self-serving ego stroke from seeing pictures of the people who mocked me growing up having grown fatter and fatter…but it’s not because I want them to suffer in the same way they made me suffer (see badger-related plan), it’s because I want them to know what they did and to maybe teach their kids not to be the same little sh*theads that they were.

I won’t go into the many reasons and mental issues that brought me to my heaviest weights and how I managed to lose it after so long, blah blah blah…because, like a smoker, each person needs to find their own personal reasons to do something or else it won’t work…me sitting here blathering on about inspiration isn’t going to do it.  My message is simple…unless you’re actually fat…and I mean FAT, not ‘I could lose 5 pounds’ or ‘I don’t look like a cover model’ weight…keep your weight comments to yourself…keep your advice to yourself…and do not expect me to take the bait when you fish for compliments about your looks by whining about your waistline.

Because soon enough…I will simply just say ‘yeah, you’re right, you are fat’ and then we’ll see how you feel.

Now someone bring me a damn donut.