The Newlywed Game

As a newlywed, people all ask you the same list of predictable questions, and you get very weary of giving the same answers to the same 'small talk' type questions over and over.  Luckily, I am a smartass.  This means I have some backup answers to the typical questions that I whip out when I'm especially exasperated by the line of conversation:


How long were you together before you got married?
- about 5 minutes, but a green-card's a green-card, am I right?
- all my life, because we're cousins
- we've technically been dating for 5 years but I stalked him for another 4 before that.

Does being married feel different?
- yes, I find it's much harder to keep the homicidal tendencies in check
- yes, it now burns when I pee
- no, I've been dead inside for years
- not really, except it does make it harder emotionally to keep sleeping with yo' momma

Thinking about having kids?
- I did, but then their mom caught me luring them into the van
- we can't have kids...it's against my parole
- yes, would you also like to know about my menstrual cycles if we're getting so personal?
- no, we're too afraid they'd turn out to be a jerk like you.
- we are waiting to learn more about the serial killer genetic study

Was it a big wedding?
- yes, we invited everyone in the world, just not you.
- no, my prison cell was only big enough for a small group
- we had 50 guests...all cats.
-we were attended by 73 African shaman and 2 goats...so ya know, the usual.

Where was the honeymoon?
- Jane and Finch
- IHop, we got extra bacon
- Mordor
- Azkaban

Do you like being married?
-yes, I am enjoying letting myself go
-no, it's awful and sucks...is that what you want to hear?
-sure, when my spouse dies, I get money!
- of course, I love my tax deduction, I mean, spouse.

Why you won't be invited to my wedding

Look, I'm sorry, but you aren't coming to my wedding.  It's nothing personal. 

I’m not currently planning my wedding…heck, I’m not even engaged or planning to be very soon…but you’re still not invited.

Because I never plan to have one.

I don’t refuse to get married, but I can imagine very few things I’d enjoy less than having a wedding.

I’m sorry to my friends who have had weddings, who are planning theirs or who want to have one… it’s not that I think you’re ‘wrong’ or dislike your weddings…it would just be torture for me to have to go through it myself…and as a 30 year old unmarried woman, I do get asked when I’m going to get married and what kind of wedding I want.  My standard answer is either “I’m not allowed to get married, it’s against my parole” or “My perfect wedding is one where you aren’t invited”. 

Last week, it was published in one of the Canadian papers that the average Ontario couple will spend roughly $15,000 on their weddings, that amount nearly doubles in Saskatchewan and Manitoba.  That doesn’t just seem outlandish to me, it seems hilariously unnecessary and I would feel selfish, arrogant, etc.  I definitely don’t have $15,000 (or more) lying around, but if I did, I would rather spend it trying to buy a knock-off arc reactor than on a dress I will only wear once, a bunch of flowers that will be dead by dawn, a party nobody really wants to go to and a day when I invite all of my friends and family to lavish attention on me.  There is an episode of Sex in the City where Carrie (then engaged to Aiden), tries on a wedding dress as a laugh but has a huge panic attack and freaks right out…that’s kind of similar to how I would be if someone told me I had to plan my own wedding. 

My plan on how I want to get married?  I can think of nothing more romantic than eloping in another city…just the two of us…not a single other person we know for miles.  Grabbing two complete strangers to be the witnesses and going to that city’s city hall to sign the papers.  Perfect.  Seems boring and unromantic, no?  Not to me.  So many women I know and hear about, especially in their 20’s, are desperate to get married and have a big wedding, because that’s what society says you’re supposed to do.  They always seem so much more focused on the wedding than the marriage and on the self-congratulatory ego stroke of accomplishing something other people told them they want.  Traditionally, as I’ve heard priests espouse about in previous wedding ceremonies, the friends and family are invited to witness the wedding because they are asked to promise to help the newlywed couple in their marriage…..what a crock of shit.  Anyone who is married….did you honestly create your guest list based on who you thought would be the most likely to come together as a community and help save your marriage when times get tough?  To me, it’s not about the community coming together, because I don’t think it should be about anybody or anything else except the two people getting married.  That is precisely why I do not want anybody there- the marriage is a commitment between two people, it will be the two of you on your own from now on…so I want to start it off that way.  I want to look my dear husband-to-be in the eye, just the two of us…and start our new life together…together.  Doing it another city because I enjoy the symbolism of starting off in strange new territory, not to mention that Toronto City Hall is just a dump and I don’t want Rob Ford nearby if we’re unfortunate to have him around past this fall’s election. 

I find the most romance in simplicity…which would explain some of my exes.  I want to wake up in a hotel room together…put on a nice but simple dress, walk down together to the local city hall…ask some people in the building if we could buy them a coffee in exchange for a moment of their time…and then walk out…newly wed…already on a honeymoon…together and on our own. 

So, I’m sorry…but your invitation is not in the mail….and it never will be.  If you want to party with us afterwards, sure…no problem…meet me at the Dodger for a pint.

No husband, no kids, no problem!

This Christmas, I will be the last of my family to neither be married nor have kids...I am the last single one.  While my immediately family is as insane as I am, they are not usually so socially inept as to ask the typical ‘when is it your turn?’ type questions.  But, someone always does.  So, here are my answers as to why I am not married and have no kids:

•  It’s against my parole
• It’s against my lease
•  I prefer pets...they’re quieter and cheaper and don’t sass me as much and if you want the pitter-patter of little feet...they have twice the amount of feet!
• Yesterday I slept for 14 hours straight...when is the last time any parent did that?
•  I prefer looking at travel brochures, not articles about how everything is dangerous to kids.
• Marriage is a joke
•  My big decision today is if I have time to get both my hair and nails done before heading out to the pub...and I like it that way.
•  My adorable nephew’s idea of playing is to cough in someone’s mouth...no thanks.
• Cartoons suck these days, I’d hate for a child to have to grow up with these poor substitutes
•  My man is with me by choice, not a legal document preventing him from leaving
•  I still think of drool, puke and poop as what happens after too much Jaeger
• I don’t like waking up for a job that pays me money let alone a human being who will cry and pee on me
• Based on my family, I don’t trust my genetics to risk spawning
• Episiotomies...enough said.
• Can’t drink during pregnancy....ya, that’s not going to work for me
• This world is over-populated, you should be thanking me!
• I can't even commit to a paint colour
• I can't keep a plant alive 
• I don't have to sensor myself when watching hockey
• I've forgotten way too much of what I learned in school to attempt teaching another person
• I still get to dance to Beyoncé's "Single Ladies"