Another batch of people who need to go away

In the spirit of the frigid season, I've taken a look back and found that I have discovered more people who simply need to go away.  As I add and add to the list, I can't help but get the feeling that eventually I will have told everyone on Earth to go away, leaving only myself, Robert Downey Jr and Tom Hiddleston....my plan is working.

More people who need to simply go away:

People who stop in the middle of hallways to chat, check their phone or figure out where they're going.
People who have a problem with a black stormtrooper
Anyone...ANYONE who gets offended by Christmas.....I will stab you with the scissors I use to cut Santa Claus wrapping paper
The 2015 PanAm games....nobody cares.
Parents who post incessant photos of their horrendously ugly babies online.
Jian Gomeshi, if he likes non-consensual rough sex, just wait until prison!
Strombo...you know music...but stay the hell away from hockey.
Bill Cosby...Thanks for scarring my childhood, asshole!!!!!!
Giggling freshmen girls.....grrrrrr
Anyone who is in IKEA at the same time as me
Friends who constantly ask for your advise but never take it
The person/machine who picks the lotto numbers...boo-urns!
Anyone or anything that causes me to have to take off my onesie on a weekend morning
People who name their kids weird names...they have to live with that name .
Rich people who don't randomly want to give me money....what's up with that?
My fat cells....seriously.
Teenagers..I've mentioned them before but I really can't stress enough just how much I hate them.
People who call your work phone at 4:58pm
People who only answer text messages when they need something
Anyone who doesn't hold the door for the person behind them...it takes half a second.
Whoever agreed to allow such a huge break between seasons 3 and 4 of Sherlock.
That one friend who never plans ahead and then always expects everyone else to cover their ass
Those friends and family members who became unbearable as soon as they had kids
People who harp on me for not liking sushi...I don't want your disgusting fish and seaweed pieces of satan's taint thank you!
This winter...seriously, warm up dammit!

Why you won't be invited to my wedding

Look, I'm sorry, but you aren't coming to my wedding.  It's nothing personal. 

I’m not currently planning my wedding…heck, I’m not even engaged or planning to be very soon…but you’re still not invited.

Because I never plan to have one.

I don’t refuse to get married, but I can imagine very few things I’d enjoy less than having a wedding.

I’m sorry to my friends who have had weddings, who are planning theirs or who want to have one… it’s not that I think you’re ‘wrong’ or dislike your weddings…it would just be torture for me to have to go through it myself…and as a 30 year old unmarried woman, I do get asked when I’m going to get married and what kind of wedding I want.  My standard answer is either “I’m not allowed to get married, it’s against my parole” or “My perfect wedding is one where you aren’t invited”. 

Last week, it was published in one of the Canadian papers that the average Ontario couple will spend roughly $15,000 on their weddings, that amount nearly doubles in Saskatchewan and Manitoba.  That doesn’t just seem outlandish to me, it seems hilariously unnecessary and I would feel selfish, arrogant, etc.  I definitely don’t have $15,000 (or more) lying around, but if I did, I would rather spend it trying to buy a knock-off arc reactor than on a dress I will only wear once, a bunch of flowers that will be dead by dawn, a party nobody really wants to go to and a day when I invite all of my friends and family to lavish attention on me.  There is an episode of Sex in the City where Carrie (then engaged to Aiden), tries on a wedding dress as a laugh but has a huge panic attack and freaks right out…that’s kind of similar to how I would be if someone told me I had to plan my own wedding. 

My plan on how I want to get married?  I can think of nothing more romantic than eloping in another city…just the two of us…not a single other person we know for miles.  Grabbing two complete strangers to be the witnesses and going to that city’s city hall to sign the papers.  Perfect.  Seems boring and unromantic, no?  Not to me.  So many women I know and hear about, especially in their 20’s, are desperate to get married and have a big wedding, because that’s what society says you’re supposed to do.  They always seem so much more focused on the wedding than the marriage and on the self-congratulatory ego stroke of accomplishing something other people told them they want.  Traditionally, as I’ve heard priests espouse about in previous wedding ceremonies, the friends and family are invited to witness the wedding because they are asked to promise to help the newlywed couple in their marriage…..what a crock of shit.  Anyone who is married….did you honestly create your guest list based on who you thought would be the most likely to come together as a community and help save your marriage when times get tough?  To me, it’s not about the community coming together, because I don’t think it should be about anybody or anything else except the two people getting married.  That is precisely why I do not want anybody there- the marriage is a commitment between two people, it will be the two of you on your own from now on…so I want to start it off that way.  I want to look my dear husband-to-be in the eye, just the two of us…and start our new life together…together.  Doing it another city because I enjoy the symbolism of starting off in strange new territory, not to mention that Toronto City Hall is just a dump and I don’t want Rob Ford nearby if we’re unfortunate to have him around past this fall’s election. 

I find the most romance in simplicity…which would explain some of my exes.  I want to wake up in a hotel room together…put on a nice but simple dress, walk down together to the local city hall…ask some people in the building if we could buy them a coffee in exchange for a moment of their time…and then walk out…newly wed…already on a honeymoon…together and on our own. 

So, I’m sorry…but your invitation is not in the mail….and it never will be.  If you want to party with us afterwards, sure…no problem…meet me at the Dodger for a pint.