Signs you're getting OLDER

When we were kids, we couldn't wait to grow up.  We wanted to be big kids.  When we were big kids, we wanted to be teenagers.  When we were teenagers, we wanted to be adults.  Now that we're adults, we want to turn time back and be young again.  Where did the time go?  I sometimes still think I'm young, that is, until I hang out with young people.  Then I realize that I am getting older...I may not be ancient, but I'm not the young fresh flower I once was.  There are some very clear signs from the universe that the abacus of your lifespan is notching ever over to one side.

- You are happier when people cancel plans with you than make plans
- You get the same joy from having clean laundry that you once did from new outfits
- Creaky knees
- You hate the music on the radio (unless you listen to oldies stations)
- You get upset at Forever 21 for selling crop tops with Nirvana, Clash and AC/DC on them because the kids today are too young to really appreciate those bands enough to deserve the tshirts.
- You feel weird when standing in Hot Topic
- Bad back!
- You watch the original Jurassic Park movie and agree with the lawyer.
- You remember when Adam Sandler was funny
- The athletes your age are all retiring.
- You'll pay the extra money for good shoes because you can't take the cute shoes that hurt your feet anymore
- You'll also pay extra for direct flights, bigger seats etc. when travelling because your body can't take the stress and discomfort anymore
-Hangovers last for days instead of hours
- The only reason a cute 21 year old guy comes up to you is to ask you directions
- Your parents become the children in the relationship
- You watch a political debate...sober....on purpose
- The big thing you're saving for is new towels
- The night ends at 10pm
- You'd rather hang out with your cat than 95% of the people you know
- You have no idea what Tinder is for
- You care how much fiber is in your diet
- Finding a good tasting low fat cheese can make your day
- More than 2 cups of coffee/tea makes you edgy
- You remember a time when people didn't get offended by absolutely everything
- You're no longer excited when friends get engaged because you know the hassle that will follow
- Mortgage payments
- You finally realize that nobody owes you anything in life
- Kraft Dinner is more a treat and less a nightly necessity
- You remember when The Simpsons was the best show on tv
- There are no high school photos of you on Facebook because cell phone cameras weren't a thing
- You genuinely forget how old you are when asked
- When you look at the 'Must Be Born Before This Date In' year to buy cigarettes...you're shocked at that year.
-McDonald's just doesn't taste as good anymore
-Teenagers are the worst thing on the planet
- Cat videos become far better than music videos


You know what they say...getting old sucks but the alternative is much worse.

Bad responses to pregnancy announcements

A lot of my friends are having babies...surprisingly most of them are doing it on purpose.  I am not ready for this next step in life...and I think it's showing in my responses when people are telling me that they are expecting a baby.  Here, my friends, is a list of things that you shouldn't say when someone tells you that they are pregnant:

- Why?
- I'm sorry to hear that
- Whose is it?
- You're not going to name it something stupid like your parents did right?
- I hope it looks like your sister
- I thought you'd just gotten fatter
- Dibs!
- hahahahahahahaha!
- What if it's ugly?
- I'll still be your favourite though, right?
- So I guess you won't be drinking that bottle of wine I got you for your birthday...can I have it back?
- I hear pregnancy affects your sex life...how old is your husband's secretary?
- Lame!
- I didn't think you could get pregnant after all those scares in freshman year....
- Fine, but when you come over, the baby stays in the car
- Bet it's gonna be trippy finally feeling something come out of there for once
- Keepin it?
- By the time they're old enough to have kids of their own, humans will have killed the planet
- You're raising it Klingon right?
- Say goodbye to your good looks!

So....this may be why I don't get invited to a lot of baby showers...or because I got drunk and ordered strippers at the last one...

Either way...

Another batch of people who need to go away

In the spirit of the frigid season, I've taken a look back and found that I have discovered more people who simply need to go away.  As I add and add to the list, I can't help but get the feeling that eventually I will have told everyone on Earth to go away, leaving only myself, Robert Downey Jr and Tom Hiddleston....my plan is working.

More people who need to simply go away:

People who stop in the middle of hallways to chat, check their phone or figure out where they're going.
People who have a problem with a black stormtrooper
Anyone...ANYONE who gets offended by Christmas.....I will stab you with the scissors I use to cut Santa Claus wrapping paper
The 2015 PanAm games....nobody cares.
Parents who post incessant photos of their horrendously ugly babies online.
Jian Gomeshi, if he likes non-consensual rough sex, just wait until prison!
Strombo...you know music...but stay the hell away from hockey.
Bill Cosby...Thanks for scarring my childhood, asshole!!!!!!
Giggling freshmen girls.....grrrrrr
Anyone who is in IKEA at the same time as me
Friends who constantly ask for your advise but never take it
The person/machine who picks the lotto numbers...boo-urns!
Anyone or anything that causes me to have to take off my onesie on a weekend morning
People who name their kids weird names...they have to live with that name .
Rich people who don't randomly want to give me money....what's up with that?
My fat cells....seriously.
Teenagers..I've mentioned them before but I really can't stress enough just how much I hate them.
People who call your work phone at 4:58pm
People who only answer text messages when they need something
Anyone who doesn't hold the door for the person behind them...it takes half a second.
Whoever agreed to allow such a huge break between seasons 3 and 4 of Sherlock.
That one friend who never plans ahead and then always expects everyone else to cover their ass
Those friends and family members who became unbearable as soon as they had kids
People who harp on me for not liking sushi...I don't want your disgusting fish and seaweed pieces of satan's taint thank you!
This winter...seriously, warm up dammit!

No husband, no kids, no problem!

This Christmas, I will be the last of my family to neither be married nor have kids...I am the last single one.  While my immediately family is as insane as I am, they are not usually so socially inept as to ask the typical ‘when is it your turn?’ type questions.  But, someone always does.  So, here are my answers as to why I am not married and have no kids:

•  It’s against my parole
• It’s against my lease
•  I prefer pets...they’re quieter and cheaper and don’t sass me as much and if you want the pitter-patter of little feet...they have twice the amount of feet!
• Yesterday I slept for 14 hours straight...when is the last time any parent did that?
•  I prefer looking at travel brochures, not articles about how everything is dangerous to kids.
• Marriage is a joke
•  My big decision today is if I have time to get both my hair and nails done before heading out to the pub...and I like it that way.
•  My adorable nephew’s idea of playing is to cough in someone’s mouth...no thanks.
• Cartoons suck these days, I’d hate for a child to have to grow up with these poor substitutes
•  My man is with me by choice, not a legal document preventing him from leaving
•  I still think of drool, puke and poop as what happens after too much Jaeger
• I don’t like waking up for a job that pays me money let alone a human being who will cry and pee on me
• Based on my family, I don’t trust my genetics to risk spawning
• Episiotomies...enough said.
• Can’t drink during pregnancy....ya, that’s not going to work for me
• This world is over-populated, you should be thanking me!
• I can't even commit to a paint colour
• I can't keep a plant alive 
• I don't have to sensor myself when watching hockey
• I've forgotten way too much of what I learned in school to attempt teaching another person
• I still get to dance to Beyoncé's "Single Ladies"

Dear Parents...

I will preface this with the fact that I do not have kids, I have nephews, but I myself, am not a parent.

Ok, now that that’s out of the way, what the hell is wrong with parents?!? 

Let me specify…not all parents…I take issue with parents who take their kids shopping and let their little terrors roam the stores freely.

I was in the grocery store at lunch and a woman had brought her 4 kids with her, all of whom had to range in age from 4-10 years old (I’m assuming they were her kids based on the fact that most of them were loudly yelling ‘MOM’ at her while in line, begging for this treat or that or whining about god only knows what).  Two of the boys were running up and down the line, shoving into people, knocking things over and just overall being little sh*theads.  The mother stood there, reading her gossip rag, picking her 4 inch nails and sucking on her teeth.

Now please tell me why it is against the law for me to trip these children and smack their mom with my grocery basket?

I witness this same phenomenon often in the best place on Earth to see the failings of humanity….Wal-Mart!

Many parents are under the delusion that a store is a substitute for a babysitter…as through the teenager with the nametag  being paid minimum wage gives a rat’s ass about your screaming little monster’s well-being.  Is there a baby bonus if your child is abducted from a store?  Is that why they do it?  Are they regretting the spawning of their flawed DNA and are hoping that someone will randomly take them off their hands?

My basic theory is…if you aren’t going to teach your kids how to behave in public, don’t expect me to behave by not smacking the living snot out of all of you. 

“Don’t tell me how to raise my kids!”….oh yeah?  Well, don’t tell me how to drive my car after I run your ignorant behind down, get out, give your kids a list of horrible swear words and encourage them to use them at school.

On the opposite end of the spectrum, I see some parents walking with their kids on leashes…literally! A freakin leash!  You know that kid is going to have some serious attachment issues in high school.  You might as well name that kid Milton, teach him to play Dungeons and Dragons and kiss your future grandchildren goodbye.

Really, it comes down to teaching your child how to behave like a normal human being in public and teaching them just how not to be an a**hole. 

I could do a whole other rant about parents who don’t control their kids in restaurants…especially nicer restaurants like Keg where people are trying to relax, maybe celebrate and have a romantic night…but little baby screams-a-lot just wails the entire time while Mama and Papa Jerkass sit there oblivious to the fact that their pride and joy is the bane of everyone else’s existence. 

But I’ll save that for another day.