Look, I'm sorry, but you aren't coming to my wedding. It's nothing personal.
I’m not currently planning my wedding…heck, I’m not even
engaged or planning to be very soon…but you’re still not invited.
Because I never plan to have one.
I don’t refuse to get married, but I can imagine very few
things I’d enjoy less than having a wedding.
I’m sorry to my friends who have had weddings, who are
planning theirs or who want to have one… it’s not that I think you’re ‘wrong’
or dislike your weddings…it would just be torture for me to have to go through
it myself…and as a 30 year old unmarried woman, I do get asked when I’m going
to get married and what kind of wedding I want. My standard answer is either “I’m not allowed
to get married, it’s against my parole” or “My perfect wedding is one where you
aren’t invited”.
Last week, it was published in one of the Canadian papers
that the average Ontario couple will spend roughly $15,000 on their weddings,
that amount nearly doubles in Saskatchewan and Manitoba. That doesn’t just seem outlandish to me, it
seems hilariously unnecessary and I would feel selfish, arrogant, etc. I definitely don’t have $15,000 (or more)
lying around, but if I did, I would rather spend it trying to buy a knock-off
arc reactor than on a dress I will only wear once, a bunch of flowers that will
be dead by dawn, a party nobody really wants to go to and a day when I invite
all of my friends and family to lavish attention on me. There is an episode of Sex in the City where
Carrie (then engaged to Aiden), tries on a wedding dress as a laugh but has a
huge panic attack and freaks right out…that’s kind of similar to how I would
be if someone told me I had to plan my own wedding.
My plan on how I want to get married? I can think of nothing more romantic than
eloping in another city…just the two of us…not a single other person we know
for miles. Grabbing two complete strangers
to be the witnesses and going to that city’s city hall to sign the papers. Perfect.
Seems boring and unromantic, no?
Not to me. So many women I know
and hear about, especially in their 20’s, are desperate to get married and have
a big wedding, because that’s what society says you’re supposed to do. They always seem so much more focused on the
wedding than the marriage and on the self-congratulatory ego stroke of
accomplishing something other people told them they want. Traditionally, as I’ve heard priests espouse
about in previous wedding ceremonies, the friends and family are invited to
witness the wedding because they are asked to promise to help the newlywed
couple in their marriage…..what a crock of shit. Anyone who is married….did you honestly
create your guest list based on who you thought would be the most likely to
come together as a community and help save your marriage when times get tough? To me, it’s not about the community coming
together, because I don’t think it should be about anybody or anything else
except the two people getting married.
That is precisely why I do not want anybody there- the marriage is a commitment
between two people, it will be the two of you on your own from now on…so I want
to start it off that way. I want to look
my dear husband-to-be in the eye, just the two of us…and start our new life together…together. Doing it another city because I enjoy the
symbolism of starting off in strange new territory, not to mention that Toronto
City Hall is just a dump and I don’t want Rob Ford nearby if we’re unfortunate
to have him around past this fall’s election.
I find the most romance in simplicity…which would explain
some of my exes. I want to wake up in a
hotel room together…put on a nice but simple dress, walk down together to the
local city hall…ask some people in the building if we could buy them a coffee
in exchange for a moment of their time…and then walk out…newly wed…already on
a honeymoon…together and on our own.
So, I’m sorry…but your invitation is not in the mail….and it
never will be. If you want to party with
us afterwards, sure…no problem…meet me at the Dodger for a pint.
