Picking Up Chicks

I often hear from male single friends that it's very hard to hit on a woman because women are 'too stuck up'. There are many stories of good guys being turned down and not knowing where they went wrong when approaching a woman.  I've been asked for advice from guys who don't seem to know why women are so reluctant to take a risk with a charming suitor.

It wasn't until the other day when it was actually a man who summed it up for me...these men tend to look at the situation from only their own point of view.  These guys aren't seeing themselves as the woman is seeing them.

Guys, no matter your size, no matter your physical grandeur or lack thereof....the second you approach a woman for the first time you are a threat.  When we are out in public, we have our guard up against potential threats to our persons, it's just instinct.  The guard is lessened usually when we are in a place such as a bar or club as we are more likely to be open to meeting new people at those types of locations and there are pre-set parameters and social rules for it.

I don't care if you are 6'9, 400lbs of muscle or a 5'4 skinny wimp, the moment you approach me in public, my brain starts scanning you for potential threat. "What does he want?" "Does he have a visible weapon?" "What are my escape options if I am in danger?"....these are the first things that run through our head, so just be aware that that is where you are starting from.  Don't be put off that she isn't immediately smiling and curious about your charms...she's scanning you to see if you're about to stab her and if you're showing any freaky tendencies.

51% of Canadian women have been physically or sexually assaulted at some point in their life.  Do you really think we can afford to just assume you won't be that guy?  98% of sexual violence is committed by men in this country, so yes, it's different for us if a random man approaches us versus another woman.  Most women know their assailant prior to the assault, which means that chances are it was someone we thought we knew and/or could trust, so if that happened to us by someone we knew, maybe we are going to be a bit wary of someone we don't know.

I'm not saying don't hit on women or never approach women.  What I am saying is realize what is happening in her mind when you're approaching her.  Don't think it's her fault and that she's a snob because she didn't want to give you her personal information on approach.  You're taking a risk being rejected but she's viewing it as risking her personal safety.

Also, on a less sinister note....don't hit on waitresses, baristas or anyone who is at their place of work.  They are working, be respectful.  They're nice to you because they are paid to be nice to you.  They aren't flirting with you, they are hoping you will just be a good customer and then get on with their day.

The case that brought this up was my boyfriend told me about the radio show he listens to.  The female DJ received an email from a listener she's never met asking her on a date.  The email was supposedly funny and charming, but she declined him.  The two male DJs couldn't understand why she wouldn't give this guy a chance.  She explained that not only is this man a complete stranger, but that, as a public figure, she has had problems with threats against her and has had stalkers.  The male DJs still thought she was too uptight.  The more I think about it, the angrier it made me.  If she says no, she's an uptight bitch.  If she says yes and she's assaulted, then she was too eager and she should've known better than to go out with some guy she's never met.

All I'm saying is that, as a woman, I wish more men would understand the dynamic of approaching a stranger in public.  Even if your intentions are pure and good, just think about how the other person is observing the situation.

Noooooope!

Liz Lemon wrote a book about deal-breakers... these are my comparative list: things that are automatic turnoffs.  These are things that guys have either done to me, my friends, or I've heard of that have happened to others that cause me to simply think 'nooooope!'...

- When he talks about his ex on a date, especially a first date
- When he goes on a little bit too long about his mother
- Wearing beat up old shoes on a first date
- If he wears a big gold chain or more than one necklace
- If his car makes more noise than his stereo
- If his pants are either between his knees or tighter than my yoga pants....hell no.
- He is attached at the hip to his one deadbeat buddy
- When he eats like the Sarlaac
- He doesn't like your friends or discourages you from seeing them
- He spends more time getting ready to go out than 90% of women you know
- He drops the L word in less than 3 dates (love...not lesbian...that one's fine after 2 dates).
- The guys who don't' believe in giving a girl flowers
- He spends a lot of time talking up how (insert nationality) he is, but he doesn't speak the language and has never even been there.
- He can't do his own laundry
- Doesn't reply to texts...this applies to females also...people who don't respond need to be beaten
- He posts all over Facebook all the time about how much he loves you...because that's creepy and has the earmarks of a serial killer.
- He puts down his ex/exes a lot
- When every man on Church St knows his name....this may be a hint.
- He can name you every strip club in the city
- His idea of taking you out is going to Tim Hortons...this has happened to me more than once.
- He offers to pray for you.....run away
- Wearing so much cologne that I smell you before I see you
- He tells you that 'it's ok' that you 'aren't as hot' as his ex
- If he asks you to invest in his business within the first 1-3 dates
- He freaks out about commitment after 2 dates

There will most likely be more to follow as I seem to hear about more and more of these every time I talk to any other woman and as my past horrible dates come back to mind despite many years of therapy trying to forget them all.

What are your nooooope moments?

Online Dating- Why you should get online.

 As humans have evolved, so have our means of meeting our mates and life partners; from clubbing a potential mate over the head and dragging her to your cave, to having your father choose his best business partner and from box socials to seedy bar scenes, it has never been easy to meet that special someone.

These days, there is a method of meeting the opposite sex which is still relatively new and very unique- online dating.

The fact is that, if you're looking to meet someone, online dating is where the single people are these days, so those of you who look down your nose at it are encouraged to get off of your lonely high horses and get with the times.  According to a well-known 2013 study, roughly a third of marriages in the US stemmed from people meeting through online dating.  Yes, this study was funded by eHarmony but just by talking to various couples that you know, the 30% range certainly doesn't seem outlandish.

The stigma of online dating seems to finally be dying out as more and more people who first turned their noses up at it are realizing its benefits, especially when compared to the hassles presented by the other, more 'traditional' methods of meeting members of the opposite sex.  The bar and club scenes are like trying to find a diamond in an black cave- it's dark, there's a lot of groping around, you feel unsafe, and generally, whatever you end up taking out of it turns out to be a lump of coal.  Trying to meet someone through friends is a disaster waiting to happen, because you are not only risking making an awkward situation for your friend but you're risking your friendship from day one.  Also, if your friends are like mine, I wouldn't trust them to pick my date...I pulled too many horrible pranks on them in the past to trust that they won't use this as revenge.  As for my parents choosing my partner...I wouldn't trust them to pick out a place for lunch.

Like anything in life, there are pros and cons to online dating versus meeting in person, some examples are:

Pro: You know something about the person before wasting time chatting up someone you realize you have nothing in common with.

Con: Those pictures are often quite misleading.

Pro:  You can narrow down your search frames to fit your type

Con: There are some real creeps...and because it's not in person, they feel there are no rules for conduct.

Pro: As long as you aren't silly and give out too much information, your safety is in your control.

Con: Seeing an ex on the same site as you.....awkward!

  I could go on and on as everything has many pros and cons, however, being a veteran of the online dating sites, I truly believe that the pros outweigh the cons. Online dating is really just playing the odds in the dating game.  By using a dating site, you can assume with reasonable confidence, that the people you are meeting are also single.  There is nothing worse than meeting a great guy/girl at the bar and feeling that connection just in time for their wife/husband to walk over.  You can also tell if this person is from the area or not (because we've all met the guy who is 'just here for the weekend').  Even if their written profile is not exactly 'stellar', it's not that hard to get a sense of a person from what they write, i.e. sarcastic, mushy, aggressive, not enough info, arrogant etc.  As for the dreaded profile picture, this is a gamble with online dating.  There are ways to try to discern if the photo is genuine or not such as asking for more photos, chatting through live-video (such as Skype) before meeting in person, or old fashioned online stalking etc, but this is probably the biggest risk you'll be taking. 

The other argument I do hear (mostly from women) is that it isn't 'safe' to meet a stranger from the internet.  Well, this is true for 14 year old girls and children...but you're an adult and as long as you have a basic understanding of how not to put yourself at obvious risk, you're safer than you would be in a dark club surrounded by drunk men slithering all over you and trying to lure you to their cars. Meet somewhere public, let at least one person know where you're going, don't give out all of your info up front etc.

I have met some very nice, fun, wonderful men online, some of whom I am lucky enough to still be friends with, one of whom I'm lucky enough to still be happily dating years after our first online message.  I have also met some real assholes...liars, freaks, jerks etc.  In fact, some of my online dating stories are so incredibly bad that my friends love to have me tell them at parties for a good laugh.  However, I find this no different than the men I met prior to my foray into the online dating realm.  The fact is that dating isn't easy, no matter how you meet the person and each method will present its own perks and challenges, but just like with everything, if you stick with it, you will learn and your chances will improve.

So, my advice is simple...try it. There are a ton of different sites available to suit your needs, be it a free casual dating site, a site more geared towards older adults, ones for people of specific ethnic or religious backgrounds and ones meant just for casual sex.  Yes, it takes time and yes, it takes effort, but that's just the nature of the dating game, and if you don't play, you've already lost.