Facebook Misdemeanors

Social media has become the norm.  It's ingrained itself in our daily lives, most of us spend time on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Tumblr etc every single day, I know I certainly do it more often than I should.
As with any public forum, there are always people who misbehave, use it irresponsibly and just shouldn't be allowed to post.   There are the obvious cases of the morons who use it for cyber bullying- those people should be hung with their ethernet cables.  There do exist other, less serious offences that people commit on a regular basis that are not nearly as bad but yet, are extremely annoying- they aren't Facebook felonies...more like misdemeanors.  If you're guilty of any of them, stop it and punch yourself in the face.  Here, my friends, are some of the different types:

Posting inspirational quotes and photos.  Seriously, all you're inspiring people to do is to unfollow you  It's lame, you're clogging up my timeline and I'd rather be jabbing myself in the eye.  I get it , you're trying to be positive in a negative world...well I positively can't stand those 'be true to yourself' BS type posts- if I wanted to feel better about myself via Facebook, I'd look at how fat the people I went to high school got.  It's preachy and you look desperate to cover up how sad you are inwardly...stop it.

The constant updater.  I don't care that you just woke up.  I don't care that you just had an awesome sandwich.  I don't care that you're watching the game but might go out later.  This is not twitter, it's not meant for instant updates, play-by-plays of the game you're watching or to share that you ate food.

The gamer.  Facebook games are fun, addictive and enjoyable...and shared too easily.  If your game doesn't show you that I also play it, do not send me an invite to play it.  I will find you and I will end you.  Stop it.

"Share if you love your daughter/son/mom/grandchild" etc.  WTF are you proving by sharing that?  Obviously you love your family member unless you're a Kardashian.  What did you prove...that you love your family more than others love theirs? Or will your family member see that and think "oh well I wasn't sure if mom loved me, but she said so on Facebook so it must be true!" You want to tell someone you love them, how about calling them instead of trying to virtually show off how much you love someone.

The person who re-posts your photo or joke without giving you credit for it.  You are the Dane Cook of Facebook, stop stealing other people's stuff to make yourself look funny.  Feel free to Share posts, photos, vids etc but give the originator the credit at least.

Couples who only have one shared Facebook.  You make me sick.  You're two human beings, act like it.  If you don't trust the other person enough to have their own Facebook, then you shouldn't have married them.

Parents who only post about parent stuff.  You're a parent, congratulations.  It's time consuming, life stealing and is a 24-7 job, but if that is all you are anymore, then maybe you should seek some help.  Just a tip- those of your friends who don't have kids, are so tired of reading your posts about bottles vs. breasts feeding and cute designs for how to store baby's first god-knows-what.

People who post spoilers.  Seriously, what's wrong with you?  You cannot post all about the big TV event the day after in detail, that's just common sense!  Not everyone has HBO, AMC etc and/or were out and are going to watch it later in the week.  In a world where live tv is mostly dead and people can watch anything at any time- you have to allow for delayed watching.  If you absolutely have to post your feelings, you must clearly indicate a spoiler alert well in advance.

Noooooope!

Liz Lemon wrote a book about deal-breakers... these are my comparative list: things that are automatic turnoffs.  These are things that guys have either done to me, my friends, or I've heard of that have happened to others that cause me to simply think 'nooooope!'...

- When he talks about his ex on a date, especially a first date
- When he goes on a little bit too long about his mother
- Wearing beat up old shoes on a first date
- If he wears a big gold chain or more than one necklace
- If his car makes more noise than his stereo
- If his pants are either between his knees or tighter than my yoga pants....hell no.
- He is attached at the hip to his one deadbeat buddy
- When he eats like the Sarlaac
- He doesn't like your friends or discourages you from seeing them
- He spends more time getting ready to go out than 90% of women you know
- He drops the L word in less than 3 dates (love...not lesbian...that one's fine after 2 dates).
- The guys who don't' believe in giving a girl flowers
- He spends a lot of time talking up how (insert nationality) he is, but he doesn't speak the language and has never even been there.
- He can't do his own laundry
- Doesn't reply to texts...this applies to females also...people who don't respond need to be beaten
- He posts all over Facebook all the time about how much he loves you...because that's creepy and has the earmarks of a serial killer.
- He puts down his ex/exes a lot
- When every man on Church St knows his name....this may be a hint.
- He can name you every strip club in the city
- His idea of taking you out is going to Tim Hortons...this has happened to me more than once.
- He offers to pray for you.....run away
- Wearing so much cologne that I smell you before I see you
- He tells you that 'it's ok' that you 'aren't as hot' as his ex
- If he asks you to invest in his business within the first 1-3 dates
- He freaks out about commitment after 2 dates

There will most likely be more to follow as I seem to hear about more and more of these every time I talk to any other woman and as my past horrible dates come back to mind despite many years of therapy trying to forget them all.

What are your nooooope moments?