Picking Up Chicks

I often hear from male single friends that it's very hard to hit on a woman because women are 'too stuck up'. There are many stories of good guys being turned down and not knowing where they went wrong when approaching a woman.  I've been asked for advice from guys who don't seem to know why women are so reluctant to take a risk with a charming suitor.

It wasn't until the other day when it was actually a man who summed it up for me...these men tend to look at the situation from only their own point of view.  These guys aren't seeing themselves as the woman is seeing them.

Guys, no matter your size, no matter your physical grandeur or lack thereof....the second you approach a woman for the first time you are a threat.  When we are out in public, we have our guard up against potential threats to our persons, it's just instinct.  The guard is lessened usually when we are in a place such as a bar or club as we are more likely to be open to meeting new people at those types of locations and there are pre-set parameters and social rules for it.

I don't care if you are 6'9, 400lbs of muscle or a 5'4 skinny wimp, the moment you approach me in public, my brain starts scanning you for potential threat. "What does he want?" "Does he have a visible weapon?" "What are my escape options if I am in danger?"....these are the first things that run through our head, so just be aware that that is where you are starting from.  Don't be put off that she isn't immediately smiling and curious about your charms...she's scanning you to see if you're about to stab her and if you're showing any freaky tendencies.

51% of Canadian women have been physically or sexually assaulted at some point in their life.  Do you really think we can afford to just assume you won't be that guy?  98% of sexual violence is committed by men in this country, so yes, it's different for us if a random man approaches us versus another woman.  Most women know their assailant prior to the assault, which means that chances are it was someone we thought we knew and/or could trust, so if that happened to us by someone we knew, maybe we are going to be a bit wary of someone we don't know.

I'm not saying don't hit on women or never approach women.  What I am saying is realize what is happening in her mind when you're approaching her.  Don't think it's her fault and that she's a snob because she didn't want to give you her personal information on approach.  You're taking a risk being rejected but she's viewing it as risking her personal safety.

Also, on a less sinister note....don't hit on waitresses, baristas or anyone who is at their place of work.  They are working, be respectful.  They're nice to you because they are paid to be nice to you.  They aren't flirting with you, they are hoping you will just be a good customer and then get on with their day.

The case that brought this up was my boyfriend told me about the radio show he listens to.  The female DJ received an email from a listener she's never met asking her on a date.  The email was supposedly funny and charming, but she declined him.  The two male DJs couldn't understand why she wouldn't give this guy a chance.  She explained that not only is this man a complete stranger, but that, as a public figure, she has had problems with threats against her and has had stalkers.  The male DJs still thought she was too uptight.  The more I think about it, the angrier it made me.  If she says no, she's an uptight bitch.  If she says yes and she's assaulted, then she was too eager and she should've known better than to go out with some guy she's never met.

All I'm saying is that, as a woman, I wish more men would understand the dynamic of approaching a stranger in public.  Even if your intentions are pure and good, just think about how the other person is observing the situation.

Facebook Misdemeanors

Social media has become the norm.  It's ingrained itself in our daily lives, most of us spend time on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Tumblr etc every single day, I know I certainly do it more often than I should.
As with any public forum, there are always people who misbehave, use it irresponsibly and just shouldn't be allowed to post.   There are the obvious cases of the morons who use it for cyber bullying- those people should be hung with their ethernet cables.  There do exist other, less serious offences that people commit on a regular basis that are not nearly as bad but yet, are extremely annoying- they aren't Facebook felonies...more like misdemeanors.  If you're guilty of any of them, stop it and punch yourself in the face.  Here, my friends, are some of the different types:

Posting inspirational quotes and photos.  Seriously, all you're inspiring people to do is to unfollow you  It's lame, you're clogging up my timeline and I'd rather be jabbing myself in the eye.  I get it , you're trying to be positive in a negative world...well I positively can't stand those 'be true to yourself' BS type posts- if I wanted to feel better about myself via Facebook, I'd look at how fat the people I went to high school got.  It's preachy and you look desperate to cover up how sad you are inwardly...stop it.

The constant updater.  I don't care that you just woke up.  I don't care that you just had an awesome sandwich.  I don't care that you're watching the game but might go out later.  This is not twitter, it's not meant for instant updates, play-by-plays of the game you're watching or to share that you ate food.

The gamer.  Facebook games are fun, addictive and enjoyable...and shared too easily.  If your game doesn't show you that I also play it, do not send me an invite to play it.  I will find you and I will end you.  Stop it.

"Share if you love your daughter/son/mom/grandchild" etc.  WTF are you proving by sharing that?  Obviously you love your family member unless you're a Kardashian.  What did you prove...that you love your family more than others love theirs? Or will your family member see that and think "oh well I wasn't sure if mom loved me, but she said so on Facebook so it must be true!" You want to tell someone you love them, how about calling them instead of trying to virtually show off how much you love someone.

The person who re-posts your photo or joke without giving you credit for it.  You are the Dane Cook of Facebook, stop stealing other people's stuff to make yourself look funny.  Feel free to Share posts, photos, vids etc but give the originator the credit at least.

Couples who only have one shared Facebook.  You make me sick.  You're two human beings, act like it.  If you don't trust the other person enough to have their own Facebook, then you shouldn't have married them.

Parents who only post about parent stuff.  You're a parent, congratulations.  It's time consuming, life stealing and is a 24-7 job, but if that is all you are anymore, then maybe you should seek some help.  Just a tip- those of your friends who don't have kids, are so tired of reading your posts about bottles vs. breasts feeding and cute designs for how to store baby's first god-knows-what.

People who post spoilers.  Seriously, what's wrong with you?  You cannot post all about the big TV event the day after in detail, that's just common sense!  Not everyone has HBO, AMC etc and/or were out and are going to watch it later in the week.  In a world where live tv is mostly dead and people can watch anything at any time- you have to allow for delayed watching.  If you absolutely have to post your feelings, you must clearly indicate a spoiler alert well in advance.

Another batch of people who need to go away

In the spirit of the frigid season, I've taken a look back and found that I have discovered more people who simply need to go away.  As I add and add to the list, I can't help but get the feeling that eventually I will have told everyone on Earth to go away, leaving only myself, Robert Downey Jr and Tom Hiddleston....my plan is working.

More people who need to simply go away:

People who stop in the middle of hallways to chat, check their phone or figure out where they're going.
People who have a problem with a black stormtrooper
Anyone...ANYONE who gets offended by Christmas.....I will stab you with the scissors I use to cut Santa Claus wrapping paper
The 2015 PanAm games....nobody cares.
Parents who post incessant photos of their horrendously ugly babies online.
Jian Gomeshi, if he likes non-consensual rough sex, just wait until prison!
Strombo...you know music...but stay the hell away from hockey.
Bill Cosby...Thanks for scarring my childhood, asshole!!!!!!
Giggling freshmen girls.....grrrrrr
Anyone who is in IKEA at the same time as me
Friends who constantly ask for your advise but never take it
The person/machine who picks the lotto numbers...boo-urns!
Anyone or anything that causes me to have to take off my onesie on a weekend morning
People who name their kids weird names...they have to live with that name .
Rich people who don't randomly want to give me money....what's up with that?
My fat cells....seriously.
Teenagers..I've mentioned them before but I really can't stress enough just how much I hate them.
People who call your work phone at 4:58pm
People who only answer text messages when they need something
Anyone who doesn't hold the door for the person behind them...it takes half a second.
Whoever agreed to allow such a huge break between seasons 3 and 4 of Sherlock.
That one friend who never plans ahead and then always expects everyone else to cover their ass
Those friends and family members who became unbearable as soon as they had kids
People who harp on me for not liking sushi...I don't want your disgusting fish and seaweed pieces of satan's taint thank you!
This winter...seriously, warm up dammit!

Teenagers (part 1)

There is one thing on this planet that all people over the age of 25 hate.  It’s not taxes, it’s not paying rent…it’s something far more annoying, less useful and there is no getting rid of this particular plague.  Teenagers.  The so-called “future” of human society, every generation getting progressively worse until are eventually the death of us all.  The end of the human race will not be in a US-Russian fueled nuclear war or an extinction level asteroid…it will be teenagers.

There was a time when teenagers were considered adults and were getting married and having children at age 13, they were fully active members of society and had already achieved a good chunk of their life expectancy.  Now they are still in school, still living at home, and only the really stupid ones are having children.  While I am for them still being in school and still living at home during their teenage years, I am not against pushing back to the times when they were expected to contribute more to society that shrill laughter in inappropriate places and eye rolling at every word spoken to them.

Get a group of teenagers together and show them pictures of Vladimir Putin, Neil DeGrasse Tyson, Nikola Tesla, and Margaret Thatcher and see how many of them they recognize and know about.  Show them pictures of Justin Bieber, the man-children from One Direction and the cast of Glee and I bet you they won’t miss a single one.  When I was a teenager (let’s not discuss how long ago this may have been), I would also have been able to recognize all of the pop stars and current celebrities, but I can confidently say I would have gotten 3 out of the 4 others who are not quite so ‘pop-culture’, as would many people I went to school with.  There is a level of blame to be placed on the schools as well, I was fortunate enough that I went to a pretty good school; I didn’t know it at the time, but when I compare it to other people who went to other schools in other cities and areas, it did me well.  We were taught things such as world issues and why they were important and how to question things that we read and they actively wanted us to take a personal interest in the issues of the day.  Ask a teenager today who David Cameron is, how many would know?  Why is Russia against US action in Syria?  Do you know where Syria is on a map??  Do you know how to use a non-google map???

School seems wasted on so many students in that they do not appreciate the education while they are getting it.  They see school as an inconvenience and an annoyance that just keeps them from hanging out with their friends.  Yes, social lives are important, but they will never trump a good education, believe me, I regret skipping as much as I did during those years.  The importance that teenagers put on their social lives is completely disproportionate, and if you want proof how unimportant a teenager’s social life is, consider how many people you hung out with then are still in your life now.  How many great biographies have you read that detail the social importance of their high school years (unless they were bad bullying experiences that scarred them)?  None, because they don’t really matter…in the grand scheme of life, a teenager’s social life is as important as a benign mole on your back that you remember every 6 months when you see the doctor but pay no attention to. 

I would also like to point out to teenagers, that when adults say that you look stupid doing things like smoking, drinking and acting like baboons, they are not jealous of your youth, they are not saying that you are cool by rebelling against what adults do…they/we really do mean that you look completely and utterly stupid.  I see groups of teenagers on the subway every day coming home from their days at school, and they are always in obnoxiously loud groups giggling, shouting, yelling etc. even though they are standing 4 inches apart.  I can always see them each looking around the subway car to see if people are looking at them..they adjust their stance so they look cooler, they don’t hold a handrail because they are such pros that they ‘got this’ and they talk about whatever they think will make them sound cool to these perfect strangers who will likely never see them again.  As one of those strangers I will tell you what goes through the head of all of the people you are trying to impress…the thought is not ‘wow, they must be the cool kids, I wish I was still young’…it is ‘good god, shut up already and grow up, you’re so disruptive to everyone around you…now what do I make for dinner?’

A quick note to teens as well…this one just burns my butter…every time you use the words ‘that’s not fair’, someone over the age of 30 gets to smack you with their bank statement…because life is not fair princess.  If you think teachers are mean and unfair, wait until you get a boss you don’t like.  You think homework sucks?  Yes, reading and writing must be such a job while you sit in a house someone else paid for, eating the food they’ve provided you in the clothing you didn’t have to work for.  If it were up to me, Iphones would be banned for anyone under the age of 18, because you should have to learn how to learn before you’re allowed to have a device that tells you everything.

Don’t get me started on teenagers’ music…because we all know how bad it is..but in all fairness, all generations have had some really bad teenage music in their era.

I have a lot more I could say as to why teenagers bother the crap outta me..but as an adult, I don’t have time to list them all right now, I have work to do and bills to pay..so there will be more posts on this subject in the future.  In the meantime, if you see a teenager and they annoy you…know you aren’t alone.

Things I wish were socially acceptable

How many times a day do you not do something because it's considered 'socially unacceptable' behaviour?  If you're anything like me, this can average in the hundreds on any given day...it can range in the thousands if it's a Monday.  Some of these things, I can make my peace with why they cannot be allowed in every day society...such as pushing people into traffic, stabbing people in the eye and not wearing clothing whenever one feels like it.  There are, however, some social conventions I wish would just magically become 'ok' in everyday society...no stigma, no awkward transition period of acceptance...just totally cool.  

- Telling someone that yes, those pants do make you look fat.

- Telling loud talking/obnoxious people to shut the hell up

- Scratching your butt when it's really really itchy (I will admit, this one would have to have limits)

- Calling an asshole an asshole

- Telling a server/waitress that your order is messed up without having to feel guilty

- Not tipping the hairdresser who just butchered your head...because you know you do it.

- Telling someone that their baby is ugly, because frankly, I'm tired of 'liking' the picture of your gargoyle looking spawn just so as not to be rude.

- Shoving someone out of the way who got there after you but tries to enter the subway/bus/building first.

- Wearing sneakers with absolutely everything...because I'm not friends with heels...they hurt.

- Declining a wedding, party, shower etc simply because you just don't want to go.

- Having 10 cats

- Drinking a beer before noon...this is just silly

- Telling someone they have food in their teeth...because I'd want someone to tell me that I have a chicken wing dangling in my molar.

- Throwing a temper tantrum as an adult

- Wearing feety pyjamas to work

- Being rolled around in stroller as an adult when you're just that tired

- Pointing directly at people who are very obviously being a douchebag

- Unfriending people without it being 'a thing'

- Calling BS on people who say that they can relate to your situation but you know they're full of crap

- Yelling "Move It!" to people who are in the way

- Wearing a petticoat... because why the hell not

- Febreezing someone who sits next to you who smells awful

- Not having to pretend that the large amount of fast food that you're buying is for multiple people...just admit you're pigging out fellow oinkers!

- Drinking beer at work, because that's where I need one the most!

- Let's all stop pretending that we don't text while on the toilet

- High fiving strangers for being awesome- because sometimes I do actually want to do this (like the guy on the subway this morning with a kickass Bowie tshirt)

I'm sure if I applied more brain power I could add a million more to this list- so comment me yours :)  In the meantime, I'm going to enjoy a socially acceptable beer in my bathtub while wearing a Pope costume and watching offensive videos.