More Shit I shouldn't have to explain

Ok, so there are some basic life rules that some people just never got the message about.  If you are guilty of any of the following, please a) stop it and b) talk yourself out of the gene pool.

Stopping in the middle of a sidewalk or hallway will get you shoved out of the way.  Move to the side if you've stopped to check your phone, you're lost or you just want to look at something.  If you are stationary in a place that is obstructive, do not be surprised when someone gets upset or, like me, hip checks your stupid ass out of the way.

Not everyone works Monday to Friday 9-5 or works night shifts etc,  Therefore, when you're out in public or at home having a loud and raucous time, there is a good chance you're ruining someone's rest.  This is the basic principle of not being a dick.  Not everyone lives your lifestyle, so don't impose yours on others.  If a neighbour asks you to turn your music down at 9pm, they aren't necessarily just a jerk, maybe they work the graveyard shift and you're ruining their sleep.

Being a parent doesn't make you a better or worse person than other people.  Just because you have kids and I don't, do not act like you're better than me.  The world is overpopulated and all you did was make it worse.  On the flip side, just because I didn't have kids, I am not better or smarter than you and if I start acting like you are dumb for having kids, smack me.

Driver picks the music.  As the shotgun position passenger, you are the driver's assistant, you do not make the choices.  If you are sitting in the backseat, you have no say in anything at all- not even bathroom stops.  You sit there and shut up and help the driver.

Do not post all of your issues on social networking.  Nobody needs to know every intimate detail of your life.  If I needed to know that much detail about you, we'd hang out more rather than be passing acquaintances on a website.  Picture, general stuff etc is fine, but I really don't care that you just woke up, what kind of sandwich you had or every relationship detail between you and the latest love of your life for the month.

Low crotch jeans make you look stupid.  I don't care if they are fashionable, they make you look like you crapped in your pants.  I will not take anything you say seriously while I'm busy wondering if you don't know how to dress yourself or if you've suffered a sporadic rectal prolapse and that's why your crotch is between your knees.

Left-wing people hate being associated with SJW's and feminazis just like right-wing people hate being associated with the Klan and Trump.  Extremists of anything give the rest a bad name.  Not all lefties are pothead hippies who think everything is offensive and think everyone should live on a commune.  Not all right wingers are racist homophobes who sleep with their sisters and have 4 teeth.  Stop assuming everyone is a worst case scenario.

Just Don't

There are some thing you just shouldn’t do.  I don’t care what your excuse it, I don’t want to hear it.  Just don’t.

So….just don’t:

Use the toilet and not wash your hands

Spit in public

Stop and have a conversation in the middle of a crowded hallway

Use the last of the milk and not replace it

Listen to Kanye

Talk about being a vegan

Wear socks and sneakers with shorts (I’m looking at the white dudes with cargo shorts on this one)

Argue for 10 minutes with the cashier about something beyond her control (price, policy etc)

Cut in line

Take a seat on transit when there’s someone who needs it more

Talk on the phone on transit

Use the term OCD for every habit you have

Think everything is about you

Brush someone off endlessly and then wonder why they don’t call anymore

Gossip, because it’s really just another word for bullying

Use violence

Miss a chance to call your parents

Expect others to pay for your life and your mistakes

Expect your eBay purchase to be what you hoped

Ask a woman if she’s pregnant, no matter how big the belly is

Post spoilers online less than 2 weeks after the first airing

Ask me why I’m a Leafs fan…I have no good answers anymore.

Ask me for advise if you aren’t going to listen

Plan a meeting for a Friday afternoon

Be late for everything

Be the person who always cancels plans

Tell me about your workout

Be offended by stupid crap

Complain about the government if you didn’t vote

Believe Trump

Wear crocs

Be a bitch

There….so just….don’t.

Why I'm Offended By You Being Offended

"It's now very common to hear people say, 'I'm rather offended by that.'  As if that gives them certain rights.  it's actually nothing more...than a whine.  'I find that offensive.'  It has no meaning; it has no purpose; it has no reason to be respected as a phrase. 'I am offended by that.'  Well, so fucking what."  - Stephen Fry

As if I needed a reason to love Stephen Fry any more, I wish I could print this out and staple it to the foreheads of the vast number of people who seem to be offended by everything in the world these days.

I recently heard someone say that we are living in the 'Age of Offense', where everyone is offended by everything.  It's true.  Those participation medals that every child got, the message of 'you're special' and the generations who were raised without war, famine, poverty or any real hardship are now in the age group that is focused on by the media.  These are the kids who were coddled, silver spoon-fed the notion that they and they alone were the most special and important flower in the world.  Little Johnny never-suffer never had to grow with people not caring about what he wanted, how he felt and, god forbid, whether he was 'offended'.

All those years of buying 16 year olds cars, paying for their education, letting them live rent free, giving them whatever they wanted, have come to bite us all in the collective ass.  We always wondered how these kids would grow up and enter the real world...the answer is that they are pricks.  They were never taught the crucial life lesson that the world does not revolve around them and what they want and how they feel.  This means that when someone does or says something that they don't like...they get their hackles up in 'offence' because it somehow doesn't cater to Little Johnny and his specific views.  And we can't have that can we?  No no! The world must get on its knees and kiss Little Johnny's butt forever, because that's what mommy did and mommy said he was special!

It seems that there is nothing in the world that these over privileged first world problemers won't get all up in arms over and scream 'offensive'.  Every online post, every picture, every comment, it all seems to offend someone.  Now, sometimes, it's valid to be offended by something, for example, everything Donald Trump has ever said is generally offensive to everyone.  However...a cup.  A CUP?!  Are you kidding me?!  Starbucks' holiday themed cup this year is red...plain red.  When I saw it, I liked it; I thought it was sleek, simple and subtle.  Somehow people are offended that there are no pictures of Jesus or Christmas on it.  Really?  I didn't realize Starbucks was a part of the Christian church.  So they demand Christ for Christmas cups, but I bet they'd scream bloody murder if they were served a blue Hanukah cup or a brightly coloured Diwali cup.  Because only their belief is valid...that's what mommy said.  How about instead of crying over the colour of the cup, you shut up and be thankful that you're able to live in a country that allows you the lifestyle to afford an $8 latte,

The worst offenders are college students.  They are old enough to think they're grown ups but still so young that they haven't left their bubble of life's cosy shelter.  Just yesterday online, I saw a brief story of students who were offended by their professor correcting their spelling and grammar in their work....in a university.  Uh....huh.  That tuition money was well spent.  College campuses used to be great gigs for touring comedians, but the majority of them won't go anywhere near college gigs anymore because the students have cried 'offensive' so many times that they feel the environment is too limiting and oppressive to speak at.   So, you'll gladly show your tits on camera at Spring Break but you'll get offended when someone looks at you sexually.  (By the way, if that offends you, please let me know, I'd hate to miss it).

Thousands of people are dying every day around the world from hunger, war, disease and disasters...but you're going to focus your attention on being offended by Caitlyn Jenner being called 'brave' for coming out as transgendered.  We all know that the real tragedy there is that she didn't name her new TV show 'TransJenner'.

There are offensive things in the world, but pick your battles.  Is whatever your crying about really important?  Does it affect your life deeply?  Then grow up and carry on with your life like a normal human being.

Some notes on my beloved Toronto

I'm as close to being considered a 'world traveler' as Kim Kardashian is to being considered a scholar.  I was born and raised in the city in which I still reside, Toronto, Ontario, Canada.  I am very Canadian... I love Tim Hortons, I watch hockey, I hold doors open for people, I speak French and I love poutine.  I didn't start leaving Canada to visit other places until later in my 20's and more so now in my 30's (although I still maintain that my age is perpetually 24).  The list of cities/countries outside of Canada to which I have been is very short, especially compared to most of my friends, many of whom have been on more trips than I have failed diets attempts.  However, while my travels are limited and none can be considered exotic, each one has given me new appreciations and lamentations regarding the hometown to which I return at the end of each journey. So here I lay out some of the new perspectives, wishes, complaints and perhaps even ideas that I have brought back with me to Toronto, for Toronto.

The number one issue is the one I think all Torontonians would agree with...public transit.  The TTC sucks the big one in so many ways when you compare our transit system on a global scale.  New York City and London may have much larger populations than Toronto by 2, 3, maybe even 4 times over...but their transit systems outshine ours in exponents that can only be calculated by NASA.  We have 3.5 subway lines for the largest population in Canada and a city that is building so many condos in the downtown core it's as if they have a hoarding problem.  Only 2 of the lines are ever really used, because the only time the Sheppard line is ever used is when people without cars need to go to IKEA.  The Scarborough "SRT" line isn't a subway....it's pretty much just a bus in a cave.  Looking at a map of London's underground, it's so thorough and complex it's its own small city.  If you don't live on Yonge Street or Bloor/Danforth, Toronto's subway is useless.  Even if you do...do not bother trying to ride it at any given rush hour as the capacity is roughly 10% of the actual human traffic.  To top it off, what's our big solution?  Building a line nobody wants or will use in Scarborough....*slow clap*  bravo.  At least I can say that our subway cars are nicely air conditioned....lookin at you Rome metro! 40 degrees, jammed in like sardines and no air conditioning? Is Caligula back in charge?

History.  Canadians don't have much of it, we're not even officially 150 years old yet while some European cities are so old they were built by cro-magnon man.  Having recently visited the "Eternal City" aka Rome, Italy...you cannot help but develop an extra large sense of appreciation for history.  Their prize ruins are exactly that, ruined pieces of once monumental buildings from an age long dead; ruined by barbarian invaders, pollution, nature and time.  But they are still there.  They are preserved, valued, kept up, prized and studied.  They live modernly alongside history in a way that should be more of an example to other cities.  I don't think Toronto has said 'no' to a request to tear down a beautiful old building...ever.  Toronto doesn't blink an eye at the idea of tearing down something old and historic to throw up some ugly new condo building as long as the right amount of money changes hands.  Walk along the river Tiber and look at the buildings along the water.  Now walk along the waterfront of Lake Ontario and look at the sea of concrete and glass condos....makes you want to throw up in your mouth.  I am all for progress and development in the city...please do tear down some of the ugly useless buildings and make them bigger and better...but if I see one more century old building that's as old as Toronto being torn down for some concrete tower...I'm moving to Barrie. (not really, that's gross).  I realize I could also praise London and Edinburgh for their gorgeous old buildings...but Rome is the gold standard.

Food. This one I will say, each city has its strengths.  Toronto has amazing variety of food, it's a great place to be a foodie because you can find any cuisine imaginable offered somewhere in the city.  Rome...the quality of the ingredients is just unparalleled, it's all so fresh and nurtured that the food has to be super simple otherwise you lose the fresh tastes.  I will dream of that buffalo mozzarella and prosciutto for the rest of my days.  New York.,..American portion sizes are enough to solve world hunger.  They give you enough food on one plate to keep you full for a week.  Montreal, your poutine should have its own religion.  London....umm...well....I approve of the high levels of tea availability. I'm not even including Edinburgh in this...you should be ashamed.

Public washrooms.  I'm a woman...I need to pee frequently.  Toronto is great for washrooms...if you need to go, you're probably within a 5 minute walk of a decent bathroom.  London is also great, they have pay toilets but it's very cheap and just ensures that they are funded to be cleaned...one I went into even had a hair drier and a hair straightener....genius!  New York...they were fairly frequent but pretty hepatitis-y.  A lot of trying not to touch anything and always hover-pee.  Montreal....I really don't know...I spent so much time so drunk that I don't know what I did or where I went.  Rome...oh Rome....you bastards.  Not only are there zero washrooms anywhere but the ones they do have are more like torture devices.  Did people not pee in BC times? Did Michelangelo not need a potty break when painting the Sistine? Bah!

Art.  Rome has the Sistine Chapel, works older than most civilizations and sculpture that would bring a blind man to his knees.  London has some of the most beautiful treasures ever found from the world over (granted, most of them not created in England....*cough* Greek).  Montreal's art exhibitions are always super impressive and hip.  New York embodies art in so many ways outside of the staggering art museums that it's everywhere.  Toronto....umm....we...don't match up.  The AGO? Good god, the building itself looks like something a 2nd year architecture student sneezed out and the most impressive shows we get are Andy Warhol's 3rd cousin's uncle's sketchbook rejects.  Our taste in art as a city on the whole seems to reflect in our huge buildings...flat, boring, unoriginal.  We have small pockets of great stuff...but going to a museum or 'big' show in Toronto is just... exactly.

So those are my chosen 5 categories...there are a million other comparisons that could be made but I feel like these first few would be a good start to improving the prospects for my humble T-dot.  Perhaps after my next planned destination (Paris) I will have more insight...if nothing else into the French-English rivalry that Toronto-Montreal can quasi join in on.  So...how do I send this to John Tory to get a move on? He seems to be on Breakfast Television every other day...time to stalk Frankish!

Picking Up Chicks

I often hear from male single friends that it's very hard to hit on a woman because women are 'too stuck up'. There are many stories of good guys being turned down and not knowing where they went wrong when approaching a woman.  I've been asked for advice from guys who don't seem to know why women are so reluctant to take a risk with a charming suitor.

It wasn't until the other day when it was actually a man who summed it up for me...these men tend to look at the situation from only their own point of view.  These guys aren't seeing themselves as the woman is seeing them.

Guys, no matter your size, no matter your physical grandeur or lack thereof....the second you approach a woman for the first time you are a threat.  When we are out in public, we have our guard up against potential threats to our persons, it's just instinct.  The guard is lessened usually when we are in a place such as a bar or club as we are more likely to be open to meeting new people at those types of locations and there are pre-set parameters and social rules for it.

I don't care if you are 6'9, 400lbs of muscle or a 5'4 skinny wimp, the moment you approach me in public, my brain starts scanning you for potential threat. "What does he want?" "Does he have a visible weapon?" "What are my escape options if I am in danger?"....these are the first things that run through our head, so just be aware that that is where you are starting from.  Don't be put off that she isn't immediately smiling and curious about your charms...she's scanning you to see if you're about to stab her and if you're showing any freaky tendencies.

51% of Canadian women have been physically or sexually assaulted at some point in their life.  Do you really think we can afford to just assume you won't be that guy?  98% of sexual violence is committed by men in this country, so yes, it's different for us if a random man approaches us versus another woman.  Most women know their assailant prior to the assault, which means that chances are it was someone we thought we knew and/or could trust, so if that happened to us by someone we knew, maybe we are going to be a bit wary of someone we don't know.

I'm not saying don't hit on women or never approach women.  What I am saying is realize what is happening in her mind when you're approaching her.  Don't think it's her fault and that she's a snob because she didn't want to give you her personal information on approach.  You're taking a risk being rejected but she's viewing it as risking her personal safety.

Also, on a less sinister note....don't hit on waitresses, baristas or anyone who is at their place of work.  They are working, be respectful.  They're nice to you because they are paid to be nice to you.  They aren't flirting with you, they are hoping you will just be a good customer and then get on with their day.

The case that brought this up was my boyfriend told me about the radio show he listens to.  The female DJ received an email from a listener she's never met asking her on a date.  The email was supposedly funny and charming, but she declined him.  The two male DJs couldn't understand why she wouldn't give this guy a chance.  She explained that not only is this man a complete stranger, but that, as a public figure, she has had problems with threats against her and has had stalkers.  The male DJs still thought she was too uptight.  The more I think about it, the angrier it made me.  If she says no, she's an uptight bitch.  If she says yes and she's assaulted, then she was too eager and she should've known better than to go out with some guy she's never met.

All I'm saying is that, as a woman, I wish more men would understand the dynamic of approaching a stranger in public.  Even if your intentions are pure and good, just think about how the other person is observing the situation.

Bad responses to pregnancy announcements

A lot of my friends are having babies...surprisingly most of them are doing it on purpose.  I am not ready for this next step in life...and I think it's showing in my responses when people are telling me that they are expecting a baby.  Here, my friends, is a list of things that you shouldn't say when someone tells you that they are pregnant:

- Why?
- I'm sorry to hear that
- Whose is it?
- You're not going to name it something stupid like your parents did right?
- I hope it looks like your sister
- I thought you'd just gotten fatter
- Dibs!
- hahahahahahahaha!
- What if it's ugly?
- I'll still be your favourite though, right?
- So I guess you won't be drinking that bottle of wine I got you for your birthday...can I have it back?
- I hear pregnancy affects your sex life...how old is your husband's secretary?
- Lame!
- I didn't think you could get pregnant after all those scares in freshman year....
- Fine, but when you come over, the baby stays in the car
- Bet it's gonna be trippy finally feeling something come out of there for once
- Keepin it?
- By the time they're old enough to have kids of their own, humans will have killed the planet
- You're raising it Klingon right?
- Say goodbye to your good looks!

So....this may be why I don't get invited to a lot of baby showers...or because I got drunk and ordered strippers at the last one...

Either way...

Facebook Misdemeanors

Social media has become the norm.  It's ingrained itself in our daily lives, most of us spend time on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Tumblr etc every single day, I know I certainly do it more often than I should.
As with any public forum, there are always people who misbehave, use it irresponsibly and just shouldn't be allowed to post.   There are the obvious cases of the morons who use it for cyber bullying- those people should be hung with their ethernet cables.  There do exist other, less serious offences that people commit on a regular basis that are not nearly as bad but yet, are extremely annoying- they aren't Facebook felonies...more like misdemeanors.  If you're guilty of any of them, stop it and punch yourself in the face.  Here, my friends, are some of the different types:

Posting inspirational quotes and photos.  Seriously, all you're inspiring people to do is to unfollow you  It's lame, you're clogging up my timeline and I'd rather be jabbing myself in the eye.  I get it , you're trying to be positive in a negative world...well I positively can't stand those 'be true to yourself' BS type posts- if I wanted to feel better about myself via Facebook, I'd look at how fat the people I went to high school got.  It's preachy and you look desperate to cover up how sad you are inwardly...stop it.

The constant updater.  I don't care that you just woke up.  I don't care that you just had an awesome sandwich.  I don't care that you're watching the game but might go out later.  This is not twitter, it's not meant for instant updates, play-by-plays of the game you're watching or to share that you ate food.

The gamer.  Facebook games are fun, addictive and enjoyable...and shared too easily.  If your game doesn't show you that I also play it, do not send me an invite to play it.  I will find you and I will end you.  Stop it.

"Share if you love your daughter/son/mom/grandchild" etc.  WTF are you proving by sharing that?  Obviously you love your family member unless you're a Kardashian.  What did you prove...that you love your family more than others love theirs? Or will your family member see that and think "oh well I wasn't sure if mom loved me, but she said so on Facebook so it must be true!" You want to tell someone you love them, how about calling them instead of trying to virtually show off how much you love someone.

The person who re-posts your photo or joke without giving you credit for it.  You are the Dane Cook of Facebook, stop stealing other people's stuff to make yourself look funny.  Feel free to Share posts, photos, vids etc but give the originator the credit at least.

Couples who only have one shared Facebook.  You make me sick.  You're two human beings, act like it.  If you don't trust the other person enough to have their own Facebook, then you shouldn't have married them.

Parents who only post about parent stuff.  You're a parent, congratulations.  It's time consuming, life stealing and is a 24-7 job, but if that is all you are anymore, then maybe you should seek some help.  Just a tip- those of your friends who don't have kids, are so tired of reading your posts about bottles vs. breasts feeding and cute designs for how to store baby's first god-knows-what.

People who post spoilers.  Seriously, what's wrong with you?  You cannot post all about the big TV event the day after in detail, that's just common sense!  Not everyone has HBO, AMC etc and/or were out and are going to watch it later in the week.  In a world where live tv is mostly dead and people can watch anything at any time- you have to allow for delayed watching.  If you absolutely have to post your feelings, you must clearly indicate a spoiler alert well in advance.

Good Advice

"Don't Touch -Willie"....good advice!

Everyone always has advice to give on everything; friends, family, magazines, tv shows, complete strangers etc.  The problem is that we're usually offered so much of it that it's hard to know what to listen to.  The obvious person you should be listening to is me...I am amazing.

I've been given a ton of advice about everything in life, some I'm very glad I've listen to, some I wish I hadn't and some I'm really glad I didn't.  To the friend who advised me at age 24 that I should have a baby because it was fun...ya...you maybe should refrain from sharing your advice. To the person who advised me that lending money to a deadbeat ex-bf was a bad idea...wish I'd listened to you.

These days I take most of my advice from Liz Lemon "Put potato chips on a sandwich", but I felt it prudent to share some nuggets of wisdom I've received or learned over the years from various sources...what I would consider to be amongst the best advice I can give.

1.  Live Alone.  Not forever...but do it at some point in your life.  I lived with two boyfriends after moving out of my parents house. I technically had my own place briefly but I spent almost no time alone there.  Living alone teaches you how to become a more complete person, how to solve your own problems, how to live with yourself and be independent.

2.  Watch how someone treats service people.  If they are rude to the waitress or the cashier, what does that tell you about someone?  It shows a lack of respect for people and shows selfishness.  I had an ex who used to be foul to waitresses and it embarrassed me...it wasn't long before he began to treat me the same way.

3. Comfortable shoes are never unfashionable.  Seriously, having sore feet can ruin any day or occasion.  Always have comfy shoes on hand because there is nothing sexy about high heels when you're walking like you just had the world's largest enema.

4. Wait 24 hours before sending an angry message.  We all say things in the heat of the moment that we wish we could take back...so why risk it?

5. Never go to bed angry.  This can be so hard because sometimes you're just so angry or so upset, but it's worth it.  Waking up still angry will put a damper on your entire day, you're letting the negativity consume you and eat at you and the resentment only builds.  Just deal with it now...trust me.

6. Wait to get married.  Why are people in their 20's in such a rush to get married?  I watched so many friends marry the wrong person just because they HAD to get married or else they thought their world would end.  If you love them and want to be together, then that's what matters...make sure you know.  Otherwise, maybe you're just doing this for the wedding and not for the marriage.

7.  Don't lend money to people you know.  This never ends well.  If it's for life-saving surgery, ok, fine, but otherwise, do not risk it.  One person will end up getting screwed somehow, even if you pay them back immediately...it will haunt you both.

8.  Drink more water.  There is no downside to this...just do it. It helps your digestion, your skin, your appetite control, your blood sugar, your weight...and it's the best habit you'll start.

9. Send me money.  How did this get in the list? Silly me....but seriously, do it.

10. Have a hobby...like me...I write blog posts nobody reads or cares about...but I do it because I enjoy it as an outlet.  It keeps me from venting at strangers on the street again.

Now my advice is to stop dicking around on the internet and do something productive...like watching Netflix.