Noooooope!

Liz Lemon wrote a book about deal-breakers... these are my comparative list: things that are automatic turnoffs.  These are things that guys have either done to me, my friends, or I've heard of that have happened to others that cause me to simply think 'nooooope!'...

- When he talks about his ex on a date, especially a first date
- When he goes on a little bit too long about his mother
- Wearing beat up old shoes on a first date
- If he wears a big gold chain or more than one necklace
- If his car makes more noise than his stereo
- If his pants are either between his knees or tighter than my yoga pants....hell no.
- He is attached at the hip to his one deadbeat buddy
- When he eats like the Sarlaac
- He doesn't like your friends or discourages you from seeing them
- He spends more time getting ready to go out than 90% of women you know
- He drops the L word in less than 3 dates (love...not lesbian...that one's fine after 2 dates).
- The guys who don't' believe in giving a girl flowers
- He spends a lot of time talking up how (insert nationality) he is, but he doesn't speak the language and has never even been there.
- He can't do his own laundry
- Doesn't reply to texts...this applies to females also...people who don't respond need to be beaten
- He posts all over Facebook all the time about how much he loves you...because that's creepy and has the earmarks of a serial killer.
- He puts down his ex/exes a lot
- When every man on Church St knows his name....this may be a hint.
- He can name you every strip club in the city
- His idea of taking you out is going to Tim Hortons...this has happened to me more than once.
- He offers to pray for you.....run away
- Wearing so much cologne that I smell you before I see you
- He tells you that 'it's ok' that you 'aren't as hot' as his ex
- If he asks you to invest in his business within the first 1-3 dates
- He freaks out about commitment after 2 dates

There will most likely be more to follow as I seem to hear about more and more of these every time I talk to any other woman and as my past horrible dates come back to mind despite many years of therapy trying to forget them all.

What are your nooooope moments?

MORE People who need to go away

People who don't dress for the weather...then complain about the weather
People who brush their teeth in the work washroom
Anyone who writes an email whose message is really bitchy, but then ends it with a smiley face
Madonna
Anyone who doesn't like Big Bang Theory
Exes who just won't go away
Skinny bitches
Whoever is in charge of casting the Batman Vs. Superman movie
Glenn Healy
George RR Martin...because I'm mad he won't hurry the hell up
People who do not agree that Mario Kart was the best video game ever
Conspiracy theorists
Russell Brand
People who cannot admit when they are wrong
Those horrible people who respond to long text messages with 'K'
Mother Nature...because this winter is unforgivable
Those corporate bastards who get good tickets to Leafs' games and then don't watch the damn game!
Twilight and all of it's fans
People who tweet where they are...nobody cares.
Shia LeBoeuf
Name droppers
Tim Hortons' Roll Up The Rim...because I went 0/8 last time
Women over 30 who can't accept that they should probably dress like an adult
People who shuffle/drag their feet when they walk
The entire month of January...it's not a person, but it needs to go away.

Coldplay
The president of Uganda
The state of Arizona
George Zimmerman
Anyone who sits beside me on the bus or subway....grrrr
Lululemon...for never having sales.

Women Aren't Funny

It's the same thing we've always heard, 'women just aren't funny.'

Why not?

During my adolescence, I was...let's just say...more awkward than a republican at a rap concert.  I was taller than all the boys, overweight, massively insecure and desperate for people to like me.  Not so surprisingly, I didn't have tons of friends in my middle school years.  It wasn't until, hanging out with two girls that I knew only casually, that I found what worked for me...one of them, laughing at a joke I'd told (which I'd stolen from my dad), said 'You're funny! We need you around more!'  Bingo.  If I couldn't be pretty, if I couldn't be athletic, if I couldn't be popular or cool...I could be funny.  

As I grew up I tried honing my craft, forming my own niche of comedy; a mixture of eye-rolling puns and incessant and often cruel self-deprecation and the the laughs started to come in.  I looked up to stand-up comedians and comedy actors as my role models, envying the attention they got and how people thought they were just so cool and how everyone wished that they could hang out with those people...and I wanted to be 'that person.'

Many times I've heard the phrase 'You should do stand up' or 'You need your own show' and I thought maybe I would give it a try some day...but yet, there was always a voice in the crowd that persisted with 'women aren't funny.'

It eventually dawned on me that 95% of the comedians I'd grown up idolizing were men...that funny women were 'alright', but there were very few that really made me laugh out loud.  Even many of the classic funny women worked with a straight man in their comedy to even out the dynamic (Gracie Allen, Lucille Ball, Joan Rivers on Carson etc.) Truly funny (solo) female standup comedians proved such a rare breed that maybe what I had always aspired to isn't possible, maybe women lack the ability to truly be funny.  

No, because women ARE funny, women are hilarious...there are just...some added...issues.

To find a person funny and share a laugh with someone requires a certain level of understanding with that person; you need to be able to identify what level they are on and establish a report.  For example, is the comedian an average guy like you, is it a person putting on a shtick as though they are poor and stupid, making you their 'better' in the scenario, or are they perhaps the 'I think I'm better than you' type?  This report establishes the basis for the comedy, ground level; it sets up the type of humour, what you can/cannot laugh at, what you're going to relate to, what the subject matter is going to be etc.  Here's where the problem starts for women.  No matter which of these humour types or personae taken on by a woman, the main trait that will always take precedence is still 'woman', which hinders the ability to establish that base connection necessary for comedy  because you aren't focused on the type of connection, you're focused on the fact that it's a female first and foremost. 

We live in a society with a lot of preconceived notions as to what it is to be a 'woman' and are constantly presented with images and media that reinforce these ideas.  Have you ever notices that Old Spice has fun, clever commercials for men with their horseback riding, puppy holding super man, but that no fun commercials exist that are geared for women?  The media presents to us that being a woman means being 'feminine, pretty, intelligent, busy, strong, blah blah blah'  When is the last time you saw a woman in a commercial in sweatpants, eating nachos and doing something stupid?  Women in the media are just not allowed to be average, lazy, dumb or frankly, real.  I believe that this occurs for two main reasons; firstly, that these companies need women to keep hating themselves and aspiring to be 'better' so that they will buy their products to try to live up to the goal of 'super woman' they've created;  if we accept that we just can sit in our underwear and each junk food, we won't buy as much of their crap.  The second is that it's become socially unacceptable to make fun of women, even if it's lightheartedly.  This is largely women's own fault (don't jump down my throat women's libbers).  Women had to fight hard for everything we have gained in society given that we couldn't even vote at the turn of the 1900's.  The hard fight included fighting against a lot of jokes that were mean in spirit against women, degradation and humiliation as well.  Unfortunately, in the aftermath of this fight, it has come to the point where it's not ok to make fun of women, of their issues, of their struggles or of what makes them both unique and similar to men without the 'sexism' issue being raised by someone.  So, until the sexism police learn to calm their tits a bit and accept that if it's ok to laugh at men's foibles, then it's ok to laugh at women's...then that wall of awkwardness will continue to persist.  If you think it's untrue, look at any man in the room when a woman cracks a joke about anything 'risqué' or just about being a woman...he will only laugh after scanning the audience and making sure it's ok to do so.

Female stand up comedians also did themselves no favours when the genre started to take off  in the 80's by making almost all female standup comedy about being a female.  Great, nothing quite like alienating half the possible audience right off the bat.  The most successful male comedians don't spend their whole acts talking about what it's like having a penis and the hardships of men...but yet so many female comedians focused their comedy on being a woman, life as a woman, how women are different etc.  Yes, this was a time when such topics were important in society and it was great for women to get their issues out there...but don't come crying to the media when guys aren't busting a gut laughing at comedy that in no way speaks to them.  When I think of my favourite male comedians, their routines that stand out in my mind have to do with family, life, work, kids, every day annoyances...things that any person on the street can relate to.  When focusing their routines on life 'as a woman' instead of just life, female comedians failed to establish that basic connection with the men in the audience.  

There is also one factor that I cannot fail to mention that most women will agree with and most men disagree with, which is that many men are intimidated by a funny woman.  Being funny requires a certain level of intelligence, no matter the type of humour; it takes timing, observation, situational awareness, a sharp wit and a knowledge of subject matter and language.  Any person who can be 'on' consistently enough to be considered 'funny', especially to such an extent as to do so professionally, is definitely intelligent in some way (unless you are Kevin James in which you are just loud and enjoy falling down a lot).  While society develops and women continue to achieve higher equality, men are becoming less intimidated by strong, smart women; but, there are still those who are lagging behind on the evolutionary scale and don't like the idea that they're not as smart, quick witted, charming or funny as a woman.  I suggest that these people to join the twenty-first century and grow a pair.

My last point as to why it may be said that women are not funny is simply that men and women do have some obvious differences in what they find funny.  There is a reason that most women cannot sit through an afternoon of reruns of the Three Stooges...we just do not find them funny!  Gross out comedy like Jackass and fart jokes (or anything with Kevin James) just doesn't appeal to women.  I can't even fully justify why this is, it's just not funny to us, maybe some of it is a woman's nurturing instinct...when we see someone fall down, we want to help, not laugh and when someone craps their pants, it's usually us who has to clean it up.

I think women are funny.  I think women are getting funnier and funnier.  I wish I was as funny (as sexy) as Tina Fey.  I do, however, think there are still barriers we need to break down to really be funny as a gender, and I think we will get there.  Women standup comedians weren't even really featured on television until the mid 1980's, decades after the first men, so we have a some catching up to do.  So, to people like Adam Carolla who think women can't be funny, I invite them all to sit down, relax and to enjoy the show.

Online Dating- Why you should get online.

 As humans have evolved, so have our means of meeting our mates and life partners; from clubbing a potential mate over the head and dragging her to your cave, to having your father choose his best business partner and from box socials to seedy bar scenes, it has never been easy to meet that special someone.

These days, there is a method of meeting the opposite sex which is still relatively new and very unique- online dating.

The fact is that, if you're looking to meet someone, online dating is where the single people are these days, so those of you who look down your nose at it are encouraged to get off of your lonely high horses and get with the times.  According to a well-known 2013 study, roughly a third of marriages in the US stemmed from people meeting through online dating.  Yes, this study was funded by eHarmony but just by talking to various couples that you know, the 30% range certainly doesn't seem outlandish.

The stigma of online dating seems to finally be dying out as more and more people who first turned their noses up at it are realizing its benefits, especially when compared to the hassles presented by the other, more 'traditional' methods of meeting members of the opposite sex.  The bar and club scenes are like trying to find a diamond in an black cave- it's dark, there's a lot of groping around, you feel unsafe, and generally, whatever you end up taking out of it turns out to be a lump of coal.  Trying to meet someone through friends is a disaster waiting to happen, because you are not only risking making an awkward situation for your friend but you're risking your friendship from day one.  Also, if your friends are like mine, I wouldn't trust them to pick my date...I pulled too many horrible pranks on them in the past to trust that they won't use this as revenge.  As for my parents choosing my partner...I wouldn't trust them to pick out a place for lunch.

Like anything in life, there are pros and cons to online dating versus meeting in person, some examples are:

Pro: You know something about the person before wasting time chatting up someone you realize you have nothing in common with.

Con: Those pictures are often quite misleading.

Pro:  You can narrow down your search frames to fit your type

Con: There are some real creeps...and because it's not in person, they feel there are no rules for conduct.

Pro: As long as you aren't silly and give out too much information, your safety is in your control.

Con: Seeing an ex on the same site as you.....awkward!

  I could go on and on as everything has many pros and cons, however, being a veteran of the online dating sites, I truly believe that the pros outweigh the cons. Online dating is really just playing the odds in the dating game.  By using a dating site, you can assume with reasonable confidence, that the people you are meeting are also single.  There is nothing worse than meeting a great guy/girl at the bar and feeling that connection just in time for their wife/husband to walk over.  You can also tell if this person is from the area or not (because we've all met the guy who is 'just here for the weekend').  Even if their written profile is not exactly 'stellar', it's not that hard to get a sense of a person from what they write, i.e. sarcastic, mushy, aggressive, not enough info, arrogant etc.  As for the dreaded profile picture, this is a gamble with online dating.  There are ways to try to discern if the photo is genuine or not such as asking for more photos, chatting through live-video (such as Skype) before meeting in person, or old fashioned online stalking etc, but this is probably the biggest risk you'll be taking. 

The other argument I do hear (mostly from women) is that it isn't 'safe' to meet a stranger from the internet.  Well, this is true for 14 year old girls and children...but you're an adult and as long as you have a basic understanding of how not to put yourself at obvious risk, you're safer than you would be in a dark club surrounded by drunk men slithering all over you and trying to lure you to their cars. Meet somewhere public, let at least one person know where you're going, don't give out all of your info up front etc.

I have met some very nice, fun, wonderful men online, some of whom I am lucky enough to still be friends with, one of whom I'm lucky enough to still be happily dating years after our first online message.  I have also met some real assholes...liars, freaks, jerks etc.  In fact, some of my online dating stories are so incredibly bad that my friends love to have me tell them at parties for a good laugh.  However, I find this no different than the men I met prior to my foray into the online dating realm.  The fact is that dating isn't easy, no matter how you meet the person and each method will present its own perks and challenges, but just like with everything, if you stick with it, you will learn and your chances will improve.

So, my advice is simple...try it. There are a ton of different sites available to suit your needs, be it a free casual dating site, a site more geared towards older adults, ones for people of specific ethnic or religious backgrounds and ones meant just for casual sex.  Yes, it takes time and yes, it takes effort, but that's just the nature of the dating game, and if you don't play, you've already lost.

Top 10 Jobs I Should Be Doing

I've never been one of those people lucky enough to know exactly what I want to do as a career in life.  As a young child, I wanted to be a vet...but that dream died quickly after I realized that I couldn't pass my grade 10 biology class without copying off of the exchange student.  I wanted to be a teacher for awhile...until I realized that I have no patience for kids and teenagers.  I've considered many other things in my adult life; translation, ESL teaching, prostitution, hobo...the usuals, but I remain in my simple office job happily enough.  I always keep an eye on various job boards, because new jobs types are always being created and I hold out hope that someday some really cool sounding job will pop up and catch my eye. So far...nothing.  I think I am going to have to start creating my own 'ideal job' based on things that I enjoy and things that I am actually good at.  Here are some jobs I think I could really get into:

1.  Professional napper
2.  President of TV Quotes: Simpsons divison
3.  Director of Sarcasm...because that would ever happen
4.  Chief of Douchebag Police: charged with punishing all douchey behaviour in our streets
5.  Online dating profile manager- I write and manage your profile, you do the acutal dates
6.  Iron Man....shut up, I'd be amazing at it
7.  Professional Model for 'Before' Pictures- Making you look extra hot in your 'after' pics.
8.  Cat Lady, because playing with cats all day is what I'll end up doing when I finally crack mentally anyways
9.  Master and Commander of the Grammar Army...because 'would of' is not correct!!!!
10.  Reminder-er- I'm good at remembering birthdays, anniversaries, dates etc, so you pay me, I'll remind you.

So, my friends, if any of you happen to see any of these listings pop into your local want-ads, be a dear and let me know! 

I should mention that I was going to put "Professional Smartass", however that job really does exist, it's called "politician"

New Year's Resolutions

In the spirit of the new year, many people make resolutions to better themselves and improve their lives, their health, their job etc.  I haven't done this in many years, because the resolutions usually involve doing things I don't actually want to do...otherwise I would have already done them.  Some people make some resolutions that just aren't realistic, others make resolutions that are just bad ideas (like starting a blog).  Listed here are some resolutions that just didn't work out:

- Memorize all character names from Game of Thrones book series

- Find out just how many bananas I would need to eat before the radiaton make me a superhero

- End every sentence with 'Amen'

- Be more racist

- Be really honest about peoples' pictures on social media, especially selfies and ugly babies.

- Vote for Rob Ford

- Go to Comic Con, yell out 'my favourite Star Trek character is Yoda!' for all to hear

- Give up caffeine, take up licking batteries instead

- Save money with do-it-yourself dentistry

- To make my image more hip at work, all coworkers will now be referred to as 'bros' and 'hoes'

- Send more texts when drunk

- Wear a Habs jersey

- Learn German by watching porn, use knowledge at work.

- Buy stock in Blackberry

- Post more inspirational things on Facebook, because people love that

- To seem more 'worldly', speak in a different accent every day

- Wear more ponchos 

- Accept a stress test from the scientologists 

- Facebook message every ex boyfriend I've ever had

- Watch every single Nicolas Cage movie

- Pitch tv show about a single woman living in New York City who works for a newspaper, because that's just really original

- Try to 'bring back' powdered wigs and pantaloons

- Join a couples dance class with your cat

Remember?

  It's that time of year, the Halloween freaks have put their costumes away for another year and we start into a new month of Mo-vember.  I support the cause behind Movember, I am all for fundraising and awareness for men's health, even though I hate the way that those awful moustaches look on the vast majority of men.  Nonetheless, when I see a man with a bad moustache this time of year, I take notice of it and applaud the effort.  There is something else I am looking for on all men and all women at this time of year also...and frankly..the results suck.  Poppies.

If you live in Canada, were born in Canada or are not under an oppressive regime's rule...you better have a poppy on your jacket.  I don't want to hear your excuses, the most common of which being "I can't find a collection box"....bullshit.  They are not hard to find if you just look around you, they are at all LCBO's (which you know you frequent), many Tim Horton's, Starbucks, dollar stores, coffee shops, etc etc.  This shouldn't be something you just toss a quarter at and grab if you happen to see one while going about your business...this is something you need to seek out and make sure you have.  Why?  Because of the way the elderly veterans smile at you when you donate or pass you when you wear one.  You are not wearing that symbol for you...you are wearing it for what it stands for and for the people who fell for its meaning.  Look at yourself, look at your house, your family, your job, your possessions...how much of that do you owe to what the people before you have done? Yep, every single solitary thing.

If you are not originally from Canada, you still better put one of those on, because without the people you're wearing it for, you wouldn't have had a country to come to.  Call it racist, but I see an extremely small portion of visual minorities in Toronto wearing poppies, and I can't say I know why.

Those of you who know me know that I am not just ranting my usual one-off rant...I take this particular thing to heart, which is why I have a poppy tattoo along with the names of the 2 bravest men I've ever known, both of whom fought in war and to whom I owe everything. I guess what I don't understand is the utter selfishness of people who think that we can forget how we got where we are and why we get to be, do and grow as do in Canada.  Sure, Canada is not perfect, no country is...but think of how much worse it can be.  Look at the wars, the bombings, the tyrants, the starvation and the suffering around the globe and then tell me that walking an extra block and spending your change on a pin is far too much work to show that you're proud of where you live.

Are you a woman?  In many countries you'd have no rights and be denied education, put on a poppy.
Are you gay or have gay friends?  In some countries, homosexuality is punishable by death, put on a poppy.
Do you have food for dinner?  Millions of people don't, put on a poppy.
Did anyone in your family ever fight in any war?  Yes, they did, and they did it for you, put on a poppy.

I bet you'd walk an extra few blocks for your favourite coffee, so c'mon....let's make this hapPIN.  (yep, couldn't go a whole post without a pun).