More Shit I shouldn't have to explain

Ok, so there are some basic life rules that some people just never got the message about.  If you are guilty of any of the following, please a) stop it and b) talk yourself out of the gene pool.

Stopping in the middle of a sidewalk or hallway will get you shoved out of the way.  Move to the side if you've stopped to check your phone, you're lost or you just want to look at something.  If you are stationary in a place that is obstructive, do not be surprised when someone gets upset or, like me, hip checks your stupid ass out of the way.

Not everyone works Monday to Friday 9-5 or works night shifts etc,  Therefore, when you're out in public or at home having a loud and raucous time, there is a good chance you're ruining someone's rest.  This is the basic principle of not being a dick.  Not everyone lives your lifestyle, so don't impose yours on others.  If a neighbour asks you to turn your music down at 9pm, they aren't necessarily just a jerk, maybe they work the graveyard shift and you're ruining their sleep.

Being a parent doesn't make you a better or worse person than other people.  Just because you have kids and I don't, do not act like you're better than me.  The world is overpopulated and all you did was make it worse.  On the flip side, just because I didn't have kids, I am not better or smarter than you and if I start acting like you are dumb for having kids, smack me.

Driver picks the music.  As the shotgun position passenger, you are the driver's assistant, you do not make the choices.  If you are sitting in the backseat, you have no say in anything at all- not even bathroom stops.  You sit there and shut up and help the driver.

Do not post all of your issues on social networking.  Nobody needs to know every intimate detail of your life.  If I needed to know that much detail about you, we'd hang out more rather than be passing acquaintances on a website.  Picture, general stuff etc is fine, but I really don't care that you just woke up, what kind of sandwich you had or every relationship detail between you and the latest love of your life for the month.

Low crotch jeans make you look stupid.  I don't care if they are fashionable, they make you look like you crapped in your pants.  I will not take anything you say seriously while I'm busy wondering if you don't know how to dress yourself or if you've suffered a sporadic rectal prolapse and that's why your crotch is between your knees.

Left-wing people hate being associated with SJW's and feminazis just like right-wing people hate being associated with the Klan and Trump.  Extremists of anything give the rest a bad name.  Not all lefties are pothead hippies who think everything is offensive and think everyone should live on a commune.  Not all right wingers are racist homophobes who sleep with their sisters and have 4 teeth.  Stop assuming everyone is a worst case scenario.

Stop that Sh*t

I haven't had a good rant in awhile...I'm feeling a bit pent up.  Having re-read some of my older posts, I was inspired to re-hash one of the same general ideas and simply list off shit that needs to stop.  These are things that, if you are guilty of doing them, cease and desist immediately.  I will rain down pain upon you for continuing to do these things after having been warned...I cannot say where or when or even exactly how...but it will happen (and will likely involve 7 bees, an unwashed sleeping bag and 3, possibly 4 batteries).

Dear world...stop

- wearing man buns....you look like a hairy ballerina form a child's nightmare
- putting your dogs in outfits...I hope they bite you
- being offended by everything...grow some balls
- posting about how blessed you are- shut it!
- not offering your seat to someone in need....God help me I will come at you like a badger!
- taking up more than your share of the sidewalk....I will push you into the traffic and nobody will see
- saying Caitlyn Jenner isn't as brave as army soldiers...there are different kinds of bravery. all valid
- showing up late to everything...if you don't value my time I no longer value your friendship
- pushing your health regiment on me...I will shove that kale smoothie where it will be of no benefit to your digestive system
- pretending like you're too cool for everything...then you're obviously too cool for me too so go away
- pumpkin spice....seriously, f**k off
- Donald Trump....the joke isn't funny anymore
- hating that a murdered lion got media attention...animals are vital to our eco-system, the illegal slaughter of them needs to be dealt with
- calling Toronto 'the 6'.  It's not a thing...stop trying to make it happen.  Drake is a very privileged kid from Forest Hill who was a child actor and never wanted for anything, don't buy the thug image.
- reacting without researching- at least learn what you're mad about
- cancelling shows I love....Buzzcocks, Futurama...a 27 year break between Sherlock series
- lumping all people who support a cause in with the asshole extremists of that cause...muslim extremists, feminazis, christian fundamentalists....they are the worst case scenario, not everyone goes that far and they just give everyone else in the group a bad name
- showing me pictures of Phil Kessel in a Pens uniform...I'm not ready man....not ready
- making me wait for more Game of Thrones
- advertising $200 airfare but then charging $700 tax and fees
- hammer time

Ok...are we clear?  Will the entire planet stop this now?  That's how this works right?....I'm trusting you.

Bad responses to pregnancy announcements

A lot of my friends are having babies...surprisingly most of them are doing it on purpose.  I am not ready for this next step in life...and I think it's showing in my responses when people are telling me that they are expecting a baby.  Here, my friends, is a list of things that you shouldn't say when someone tells you that they are pregnant:

- Why?
- I'm sorry to hear that
- Whose is it?
- You're not going to name it something stupid like your parents did right?
- I hope it looks like your sister
- I thought you'd just gotten fatter
- Dibs!
- hahahahahahahaha!
- What if it's ugly?
- I'll still be your favourite though, right?
- So I guess you won't be drinking that bottle of wine I got you for your birthday...can I have it back?
- I hear pregnancy affects your sex life...how old is your husband's secretary?
- Lame!
- I didn't think you could get pregnant after all those scares in freshman year....
- Fine, but when you come over, the baby stays in the car
- Bet it's gonna be trippy finally feeling something come out of there for once
- Keepin it?
- By the time they're old enough to have kids of their own, humans will have killed the planet
- You're raising it Klingon right?
- Say goodbye to your good looks!

So....this may be why I don't get invited to a lot of baby showers...or because I got drunk and ordered strippers at the last one...

Either way...

Facebook Misdemeanors

Social media has become the norm.  It's ingrained itself in our daily lives, most of us spend time on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Tumblr etc every single day, I know I certainly do it more often than I should.
As with any public forum, there are always people who misbehave, use it irresponsibly and just shouldn't be allowed to post.   There are the obvious cases of the morons who use it for cyber bullying- those people should be hung with their ethernet cables.  There do exist other, less serious offences that people commit on a regular basis that are not nearly as bad but yet, are extremely annoying- they aren't Facebook felonies...more like misdemeanors.  If you're guilty of any of them, stop it and punch yourself in the face.  Here, my friends, are some of the different types:

Posting inspirational quotes and photos.  Seriously, all you're inspiring people to do is to unfollow you  It's lame, you're clogging up my timeline and I'd rather be jabbing myself in the eye.  I get it , you're trying to be positive in a negative world...well I positively can't stand those 'be true to yourself' BS type posts- if I wanted to feel better about myself via Facebook, I'd look at how fat the people I went to high school got.  It's preachy and you look desperate to cover up how sad you are inwardly...stop it.

The constant updater.  I don't care that you just woke up.  I don't care that you just had an awesome sandwich.  I don't care that you're watching the game but might go out later.  This is not twitter, it's not meant for instant updates, play-by-plays of the game you're watching or to share that you ate food.

The gamer.  Facebook games are fun, addictive and enjoyable...and shared too easily.  If your game doesn't show you that I also play it, do not send me an invite to play it.  I will find you and I will end you.  Stop it.

"Share if you love your daughter/son/mom/grandchild" etc.  WTF are you proving by sharing that?  Obviously you love your family member unless you're a Kardashian.  What did you prove...that you love your family more than others love theirs? Or will your family member see that and think "oh well I wasn't sure if mom loved me, but she said so on Facebook so it must be true!" You want to tell someone you love them, how about calling them instead of trying to virtually show off how much you love someone.

The person who re-posts your photo or joke without giving you credit for it.  You are the Dane Cook of Facebook, stop stealing other people's stuff to make yourself look funny.  Feel free to Share posts, photos, vids etc but give the originator the credit at least.

Couples who only have one shared Facebook.  You make me sick.  You're two human beings, act like it.  If you don't trust the other person enough to have their own Facebook, then you shouldn't have married them.

Parents who only post about parent stuff.  You're a parent, congratulations.  It's time consuming, life stealing and is a 24-7 job, but if that is all you are anymore, then maybe you should seek some help.  Just a tip- those of your friends who don't have kids, are so tired of reading your posts about bottles vs. breasts feeding and cute designs for how to store baby's first god-knows-what.

People who post spoilers.  Seriously, what's wrong with you?  You cannot post all about the big TV event the day after in detail, that's just common sense!  Not everyone has HBO, AMC etc and/or were out and are going to watch it later in the week.  In a world where live tv is mostly dead and people can watch anything at any time- you have to allow for delayed watching.  If you absolutely have to post your feelings, you must clearly indicate a spoiler alert well in advance.

These are a few of my LEAST favourite things

I often think of things that annoy me but they don't quite have enough meat in them to sustain their own rant, so I am compiling them into this list of little shitty moments.  For most of them, one of these isn't enough to ruin your entire day, but pick any 3 and have them all occur within a 24-hour period, and that day is a write-off.

- Not being able to wear the outfit you'd mentally prepared to wear
- Making tea/coffee and discovering that there's no milk
- Getting to the street corner when the counter is a '3'...because you're a dick if you start crossing but it's still an extra 3 seconds you have to stand at what is technically a green light and feel dumb.
- Taking a sip of your tea and it's ice cold
- Not having hot water
- Someone not saying 'thank you'
- Tripping in public
- Replying immediately to a text you've received only to not get a response...what did you do, text me then throw the phone out of the window?
- Meeting up with someone who is more than 15 minutes late and they didn't bother to text or call
- Stepping in a puddle and it soaks your sock
- Socks in general...f**k socks
- Your team losing....trust me, I'm a Leafs fan, I know this feeling better than most
- Realizing it's not pay week until next week.
- Being on hold
- When the item you want is finally on sale but they don't have your size
- Getting stuck behind someone who is making a return or has to hassle the cashier
- People who argue for the sake of argument...go deal with your anger issues on your own time
- Teenagers...all of them...always
- Getting stuck behind people who walk abysmally slow and not being able to get around them
- Someone who doesn't hold the door open for you
- When they don't have any good soup at your favourite lunch spot...this happened to me yesterday and I'm still bitter.
- Getting to work and realizing that the look you thought was 'hot' at home in the mirror looks ridiculous
- Lipstick on your teeth
- Fat days, bad hair days, cramp days
- Going the whole week without winning F**K ALL in Roll Up the Rim
- Getting a bitchy voicemail first thing in the morning
- Being happy that 'at least it's Thursday' only to realize it's Wednesday
- Leaving a store with a bag of stuff you bought having forgotten to buy the thing you originally went in for.
- Breaking a nail...don't pretend like it doesn't suck
- Your boss dropping by unexpectedly...it throws you off.
- Your computer freezing
- Forgetting your password for something
- Having a headache
- Having to pretend you enjoy your friend's bullsh*t inspirational quotes they always post
- Hearing that an actor or singer you like has died
- Getting into an argument via text...because those last ages
- Not knowing what you want for dinner...it's just frustration you eat
- Hearing someone misquote your favourite book or movie
- Getting blamed for something that wasn't your fault
- Going to every store in the mall and still not finding anything you like
- When the fast food place gets your order wrong
- Delays on the TTC
- Looking down and seeing a stain in your shirt or a run in your pantyhose
- When your cashier is rude for no reason
- Forgetting your headphones
- Rain when you weren't expecting it
- Your colleague being off sick
- Waking up with less than 5 minutes before your alarm goes off
- Getting a reminder call for an appointment tomorrow you totally forgot about
- Getting to the stop or station just to see your bus/train pulling away
- Calling for any kind of appointment and them not having anything available
- Explaining something 17 times and the other person still doesn't get it
- When your phone rings just as you get up to go to the washroom (although most men I know would just bring their phone in with them...cause they're gross)
- Having to go somewhere when you only have 20% battery life left on your phone


Hm, kinda got a bit long winded...but many things bother me.  So,..how's your day?

Shit I shouldn't have to explain

There are some things in life that are just so glaringly obvious that you would assume that any troglodyte with half a brain cell would be able to figure it out. So, why do I see people doing these things on a nearly daily basis? These are not difficult concepts to grasp, most of them are along the same lines of common sense as "don't lick the sharp edge of the knife" and "getting hit by a speeding bus doesn't tickle".  Yet, at least once a day, especially on my work commute, I observe at least one of these occurrences, and it is at times such as those that I wish that Darwin's theory of evolution hurrids up.

Here are some instances of things I just don't think should need to be explained:

When someone's wearing headphones, don't try to talk to them.  Not only are they unable to physically hear you, 99.9% of the time, they put them on specifically so that you won't speak to them- earphones are the international symbol of "leave me the hell alone"

Don't drive into the middle of an intersection. You know you won't make it through, you're just being a dick. How much further have you gotten than if you'd waited and not ruined other peoples' drives? 5 feet? 

Tipping badly will get you shitty service next time. I cannot believe the number of people I've been at a restaurant with who count the tip to the dime and think 10% is the height of generosity. Ok, be a cheapskate...but you don't get to complain when, the next time you're there, the waitstaff don't rush to serve you and your food maybe tastes a little funny. 

Rain and snow makes the roads bad. Hi, welcome to Canada! It snows here, and it rains too. Learn to drive in it!! It's not like it only happens once every ten years, how do so many people forget the basics of road safety every single time?! Slow down but don't crawl, don't tailgate, and, if you're scared, don't drive at all.

Crazy people are crazy, don't get into it with them. I live downtown, there are a lot of mentally ill people around at all times; most of them are harmless people, some, however, start arguments and harass people. When this happens, walk away and remove yourself from the situation. Why do people start fighting with the crazy people? Then you look just as crazy! The man yelling at you thinks he just saw Jesus talking to Colonel Sanders- I don't think he's going to accept your logical reasoning of why he should get a job or that you'll hit him. Crazy be crazy, just walk away.

First come first serve. I got here first, so if you step in front of me, I will snatch your ass back to where it belongs by the roots of your hair. You aren't special, I wasn't saving a spot for you. If someone arrives before you, they go first. I don't care if it's the subway, the coffee line or the last train out of town- get in line.

Socks with sandals. No...just..no. The socks and sandals jokes have been around for enough years now that if you don't know that it's classified as a crime against humanity and violates everything that is holy and decent, then you're obviously too oblivious to be allowed to live on this planet. Leave. Go to Mars...make sure to pack all the socks and sandals you want.  Don't even get me started on those toe-shoes either...worse than hell for those people.