More Shit I shouldn't have to explain

Ok, so there are some basic life rules that some people just never got the message about.  If you are guilty of any of the following, please a) stop it and b) talk yourself out of the gene pool.

Stopping in the middle of a sidewalk or hallway will get you shoved out of the way.  Move to the side if you've stopped to check your phone, you're lost or you just want to look at something.  If you are stationary in a place that is obstructive, do not be surprised when someone gets upset or, like me, hip checks your stupid ass out of the way.

Not everyone works Monday to Friday 9-5 or works night shifts etc,  Therefore, when you're out in public or at home having a loud and raucous time, there is a good chance you're ruining someone's rest.  This is the basic principle of not being a dick.  Not everyone lives your lifestyle, so don't impose yours on others.  If a neighbour asks you to turn your music down at 9pm, they aren't necessarily just a jerk, maybe they work the graveyard shift and you're ruining their sleep.

Being a parent doesn't make you a better or worse person than other people.  Just because you have kids and I don't, do not act like you're better than me.  The world is overpopulated and all you did was make it worse.  On the flip side, just because I didn't have kids, I am not better or smarter than you and if I start acting like you are dumb for having kids, smack me.

Driver picks the music.  As the shotgun position passenger, you are the driver's assistant, you do not make the choices.  If you are sitting in the backseat, you have no say in anything at all- not even bathroom stops.  You sit there and shut up and help the driver.

Do not post all of your issues on social networking.  Nobody needs to know every intimate detail of your life.  If I needed to know that much detail about you, we'd hang out more rather than be passing acquaintances on a website.  Picture, general stuff etc is fine, but I really don't care that you just woke up, what kind of sandwich you had or every relationship detail between you and the latest love of your life for the month.

Low crotch jeans make you look stupid.  I don't care if they are fashionable, they make you look like you crapped in your pants.  I will not take anything you say seriously while I'm busy wondering if you don't know how to dress yourself or if you've suffered a sporadic rectal prolapse and that's why your crotch is between your knees.

Left-wing people hate being associated with SJW's and feminazis just like right-wing people hate being associated with the Klan and Trump.  Extremists of anything give the rest a bad name.  Not all lefties are pothead hippies who think everything is offensive and think everyone should live on a commune.  Not all right wingers are racist homophobes who sleep with their sisters and have 4 teeth.  Stop assuming everyone is a worst case scenario.

Facebook Misdemeanors

Social media has become the norm.  It's ingrained itself in our daily lives, most of us spend time on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Tumblr etc every single day, I know I certainly do it more often than I should.
As with any public forum, there are always people who misbehave, use it irresponsibly and just shouldn't be allowed to post.   There are the obvious cases of the morons who use it for cyber bullying- those people should be hung with their ethernet cables.  There do exist other, less serious offences that people commit on a regular basis that are not nearly as bad but yet, are extremely annoying- they aren't Facebook felonies...more like misdemeanors.  If you're guilty of any of them, stop it and punch yourself in the face.  Here, my friends, are some of the different types:

Posting inspirational quotes and photos.  Seriously, all you're inspiring people to do is to unfollow you  It's lame, you're clogging up my timeline and I'd rather be jabbing myself in the eye.  I get it , you're trying to be positive in a negative world...well I positively can't stand those 'be true to yourself' BS type posts- if I wanted to feel better about myself via Facebook, I'd look at how fat the people I went to high school got.  It's preachy and you look desperate to cover up how sad you are inwardly...stop it.

The constant updater.  I don't care that you just woke up.  I don't care that you just had an awesome sandwich.  I don't care that you're watching the game but might go out later.  This is not twitter, it's not meant for instant updates, play-by-plays of the game you're watching or to share that you ate food.

The gamer.  Facebook games are fun, addictive and enjoyable...and shared too easily.  If your game doesn't show you that I also play it, do not send me an invite to play it.  I will find you and I will end you.  Stop it.

"Share if you love your daughter/son/mom/grandchild" etc.  WTF are you proving by sharing that?  Obviously you love your family member unless you're a Kardashian.  What did you prove...that you love your family more than others love theirs? Or will your family member see that and think "oh well I wasn't sure if mom loved me, but she said so on Facebook so it must be true!" You want to tell someone you love them, how about calling them instead of trying to virtually show off how much you love someone.

The person who re-posts your photo or joke without giving you credit for it.  You are the Dane Cook of Facebook, stop stealing other people's stuff to make yourself look funny.  Feel free to Share posts, photos, vids etc but give the originator the credit at least.

Couples who only have one shared Facebook.  You make me sick.  You're two human beings, act like it.  If you don't trust the other person enough to have their own Facebook, then you shouldn't have married them.

Parents who only post about parent stuff.  You're a parent, congratulations.  It's time consuming, life stealing and is a 24-7 job, but if that is all you are anymore, then maybe you should seek some help.  Just a tip- those of your friends who don't have kids, are so tired of reading your posts about bottles vs. breasts feeding and cute designs for how to store baby's first god-knows-what.

People who post spoilers.  Seriously, what's wrong with you?  You cannot post all about the big TV event the day after in detail, that's just common sense!  Not everyone has HBO, AMC etc and/or were out and are going to watch it later in the week.  In a world where live tv is mostly dead and people can watch anything at any time- you have to allow for delayed watching.  If you absolutely have to post your feelings, you must clearly indicate a spoiler alert well in advance.

Another batch of people who need to go away

In the spirit of the frigid season, I've taken a look back and found that I have discovered more people who simply need to go away.  As I add and add to the list, I can't help but get the feeling that eventually I will have told everyone on Earth to go away, leaving only myself, Robert Downey Jr and Tom Hiddleston....my plan is working.

More people who need to simply go away:

People who stop in the middle of hallways to chat, check their phone or figure out where they're going.
People who have a problem with a black stormtrooper
Anyone...ANYONE who gets offended by Christmas.....I will stab you with the scissors I use to cut Santa Claus wrapping paper
The 2015 PanAm games....nobody cares.
Parents who post incessant photos of their horrendously ugly babies online.
Jian Gomeshi, if he likes non-consensual rough sex, just wait until prison!
Strombo...you know music...but stay the hell away from hockey.
Bill Cosby...Thanks for scarring my childhood, asshole!!!!!!
Giggling freshmen girls.....grrrrrr
Anyone who is in IKEA at the same time as me
Friends who constantly ask for your advise but never take it
The person/machine who picks the lotto numbers...boo-urns!
Anyone or anything that causes me to have to take off my onesie on a weekend morning
People who name their kids weird names...they have to live with that name .
Rich people who don't randomly want to give me money....what's up with that?
My fat cells....seriously.
Teenagers..I've mentioned them before but I really can't stress enough just how much I hate them.
People who call your work phone at 4:58pm
People who only answer text messages when they need something
Anyone who doesn't hold the door for the person behind them...it takes half a second.
Whoever agreed to allow such a huge break between seasons 3 and 4 of Sherlock.
That one friend who never plans ahead and then always expects everyone else to cover their ass
Those friends and family members who became unbearable as soon as they had kids
People who harp on me for not liking sushi...I don't want your disgusting fish and seaweed pieces of satan's taint thank you!
This winter...seriously, warm up dammit!

The Art of Walking

As a creature with feet, humans walk...humans have always walked, even when we were barely sentient Neanderthals, we walked. It is a basic human function. 

But is it just that simple? To quote the great John Pinette..."Nay Nay"

There is an art of walking, in that there are rules that must be taught and obeyed. If you are completely flummoxed by this idea, chances are you are guilty of one or many of the oh-so common infractions of the urban biped:

1. Slow walkers: Move. Get out of the way, move to the side, or just take a bus instead. Now, this does not apply to people such as the elderly, the disabled etc- this applied to perfectly capable humans who chose to walk down the middle of the sidewalk at a pace that would suggest they are composed of sand and any swift movements would cause them to deteriorate. If you walk slowly, move to one side and let people who walk faster pass.

2. No more than 2 at a time: Two is company, three's a crowd. If you are walking in a group of more than 2 people, you are only to walk in pairs when passing on sidewalks. Three people takes up most, if not all, of the sidewalk...so you would just be sidewalk-hogs at that point. If there are three of you then one person must bite that bullet of being the third wheel that's dropped back and left behind like the soldier who didn't make it to the chopper on time (cue Willem Dafoe death in Platoon). 

3. Do not stop or stand in the middle of the sidewalk: need I explain? Really? This is the same reason you wouldn't randomly slam on your breaks and check your GPS in the middle lane of the 401 during the morning rush. If you're lost or having a chat...move to one side, otherwise people are quite justified in brusquely moving you there with their elbows, shoves and anything else they may be carrying with them.

4. Pay attention: I usually walk while I have music playing on my phone and I do check apps and text...but when you get to an intersection, look up from your handheld metal device to see if a much bigger one is about to slam into you. 

5. Walking with kids: your kids are just the cutest little things in the whole world aren't they? Well, they're in my way. Do not let your children randomly walk down the street with you leaving them to stumble about, walking in to people and holding up foot traffic. Stay to one side of the sidewalk, keep an eye on them and keep them in line. "He's just a child", yeah well, now he's just roadkill.

I will leave it at these five for now, feel free to comment your own walking nuisances. One that bothers me as well is people who drag their feet- too lazy to even lift a foot- I'm pretty sure those people are evidence of the devolution of humans.

So while we, as humans, may like to think of ourselves as the most evolved species and of a far developed intellect...the fact is that after millions of years of evolution, we still haven't even mastered walking on our own two feet.