As it was Mother's Day yesterday, I will do what my mom did when she gave birth to me...I will unleash a terror on the world!! The terrible boredom of more new words!!!
Waifchella (wayf-chel-lah) adj. The current fashion trend of making every girl look like she's trying to be a hippie at Coachella, but the clothing is only cute if you have the body fat levels of a stick of organic celery.
DDnied (Dub-bull Dee Nye-d) verb. Being unable to purchase certain items of clothing due to an overabundance of boob.
Stuperstar (Stoop-ur Sta-ahr) noun. When you do something that, at first, seems incredibly dumb, but turns out well in the end. Example: dropping your phone in public but having it picked up by the cute guy/girl and starting a conversation.
Mother of Drag-ons (Muthur of Drag-gons) noun. When you call your mom for something quick but she ends up talking your ear off for 2 hours, no matter how many time you try to end the conversation.
Canadian Thermometer (Can-ay-dee-an Thur-mom-etter) noun. When you go outside in winter with wet hair and it turns to icilcles.
Vegantologist (Vee-ghan-tall-ah-jist) noun. Vegans who are way too obsessed with being vegan and are always trying to convert everyone else.
White Girl Blogging
Monday, 9 May 2016
Tuesday, 22 March 2016
Word up!
Productired (Pro-duck-tie-rd) adj. When you're extra tired in the morning at work, s much so that you don't socialize or get up, therefore getting a lot more work done than usual. Simply, being too tired to procrastinate
Aquaholic (Ah-qwa-hall-ick) noun. That person who, no matter, the problem, tells you to drink lots of water. For everything from a headache to brain tumors, "drink more water".
Crankapotamus (Kraynk-ha-pott-a-muss) noun. When you're having a bad PMS day, so you try relaxing in a hot bath but you just sit in there all grumpy, half submerged and bloated.
The Giuseppe Curl (Juice-eppy kurl) noun. the Italian version of the Gerry Curl. That overly gelled curly half-mullet that looks like they dyed Mr.Noodles and made a wig out of it.
Bimbi (Bim-bee) noun. A bimbo whose high heels are making her walk like a baby deer.
Aquaholic (Ah-qwa-hall-ick) noun. That person who, no matter, the problem, tells you to drink lots of water. For everything from a headache to brain tumors, "drink more water".
Crankapotamus (Kraynk-ha-pott-a-muss) noun. When you're having a bad PMS day, so you try relaxing in a hot bath but you just sit in there all grumpy, half submerged and bloated.
The Giuseppe Curl (Juice-eppy kurl) noun. the Italian version of the Gerry Curl. That overly gelled curly half-mullet that looks like they dyed Mr.Noodles and made a wig out of it.
Bimbi (Bim-bee) noun. A bimbo whose high heels are making her walk like a baby deer.
Friday, 11 March 2016
Breaking up is hard to do
Breaking up is hard to do. It’s happened to all of us, whether we were the one doing the breaking up or the one being broken up with, it’s never easy. It’s painful, it’s awkward, and it can get very emotional and messy. That inevitable ‘we need to talk’ and the cutting of ties with that person who was, until not, so close to you. Even if the relationship is short lived, the breakup conversation is never an easy undertaking.
I have personally been on both ends of breakups and there are few few of them that I can look back on without shaking my head in shame, disbelief, regret or laughter.
In order to ease the process of ending a relationship or to try to avoid the messy emotions and possible anger and hurt feelings, people tend to feel the need to explain the reason for the breakup. This is almost always a lie, the real reasons are usually too complicated or too mean to actually explain. This often leads to people coming up with reasons for breaking up with someone that are “inventive”. Warning…some of these are real:
Weirdest reasons for breaking up with someone
“I aspire to be the Pope…so this could only ever go so far”
“I’m moving…..2 blocks away….and now the walk is just too far”
“My mom says that she’s the only woman I need in my life”
“My dog doesn’t like you”
“I am already in a relationship….with God”
“The voices told me to”
“This relationship is getting in the way of my Xbox time”
“I met someone with lower self-esteem than you, she’ll do anything”
“I bought new shoes and you just don’t match them”
“I saw a couple fight on a TV show...and I feel like you'd take his side”
“I'm saving myself for Draco Malfoy”
“I don't like how your last name sounds with my name”
“Why are you breaking up with me? All I said was it's fine that I don't find you as hot as my ex”
“You wouldn't get my face tattooed on your back so you don't love me”
“That new job I just got? Yeah, it's as your boss”
“My psychic told me we were related in a past life and I don't believe in incest”
“I was eating a burrito and I realized it looked like you...and I'm not okay with that”
“You didn't like my selfie fast enough on Instagram”
“Did you know bigamy is illegal? My wife just told me...sooo....”
I have personally been on both ends of breakups and there are few few of them that I can look back on without shaking my head in shame, disbelief, regret or laughter.
In order to ease the process of ending a relationship or to try to avoid the messy emotions and possible anger and hurt feelings, people tend to feel the need to explain the reason for the breakup. This is almost always a lie, the real reasons are usually too complicated or too mean to actually explain. This often leads to people coming up with reasons for breaking up with someone that are “inventive”. Warning…some of these are real:
Weirdest reasons for breaking up with someone
“I aspire to be the Pope…so this could only ever go so far”
“I’m moving…..2 blocks away….and now the walk is just too far”
“My mom says that she’s the only woman I need in my life”
“My dog doesn’t like you”
“I am already in a relationship….with God”
“The voices told me to”
“This relationship is getting in the way of my Xbox time”
“I met someone with lower self-esteem than you, she’ll do anything”
“I bought new shoes and you just don’t match them”
“I saw a couple fight on a TV show...and I feel like you'd take his side”
“I'm saving myself for Draco Malfoy”
“I don't like how your last name sounds with my name”
“Why are you breaking up with me? All I said was it's fine that I don't find you as hot as my ex”
“You wouldn't get my face tattooed on your back so you don't love me”
“That new job I just got? Yeah, it's as your boss”
“My psychic told me we were related in a past life and I don't believe in incest”
“I was eating a burrito and I realized it looked like you...and I'm not okay with that”
“You didn't like my selfie fast enough on Instagram”
“Did you know bigamy is illegal? My wife just told me...sooo....”
Thursday, 10 March 2016
A Woman's Rant part one- Periods
I know we live in a time where we are supposed to be gender normative, gender neutral, full equality and never admit that any one human being is in any way different to any other human being. Well, suck my big fat lady balls. I am a woman, and biologically, that still means something. So if my discussing problems that are unique to my gender is a trigger to you and your hypersensitive gender issues, I suggest using the red 'X' at the top right of the page right now.
Alright, let's start with the obvious. Periods. There- that just got rid of a whole ton of male readers (as if I have readers) unless they are over the age of 30 and have been married long enough that it's as much as part of their life as oil changes and taking the garbage out.
Periods are something women have to deal with for 30-40 years of their life...every single month (except during pregnancy) and they are a simply biological process and completely natural. They are also lifelong hell curses sent by Satan himself. Seriously, the reward for not getting knocked up every month is to bleed out of your crotch for 5 days and feel like a whale who has been harpooned and left for dead?
Emotionally we're on a roller coaster we have zero control over where one second you're screaming at a kitten, the next you want to cry because you dropped your pen. It's especially bad during your teenage years, your hormones are already going crazy enough, then you through the period monkey wrench in there and watch out- you've got a walking grenade that can go at any second for no reason. I remember once screaming and whipping a fork at my brother's head because he jokingly took it from me in the kitchen one day...I still remember the look of terror on my entire family's face as I did it. I didn't mean to react that way, I certainly didn't mean to hurt him...but at that moment, I was so blinded with hormonal rage that I just....kablammo. As we age, our hormones change, so that means how we are during pre-menstrual and menstrual times change- some of us mellow out a bit more, some people get more unpredictably emotional, it's different for everyone...and we have no more warning than anyone else. Maybe one month you are just horrendously sad about everything- everything makes you cry (like the time I sobbed at a Muppet movie I'd seen a hundred times before), but maybe the next month everything makes you unreasonably aroused (like...you're siting at your desk and your mind just keeps wandering to the most 50 Shades-ish type fantasies for no reason). Men tend to think that women are so cranky and emotional around their periods just because they're upset or frustrated with having to have a period...nope, that pretty much has nothing to do with it. Our emotions get hijacked by some little red goblin in our brains and they hit the button 'random'...the same little goblin who gives teenage boys unexpected erections and drives their brain to think about sex and boobs....that little jerk goblin takes over our emotions.
Physically, good god. So, first of all, we bleed. Some only bleed a little bit...I call these women b*tches. I had friends growing up who only ever had light little periods and were more like those annoying women in the tampon commercials who only wear white and ride horses on the beach while on their periods. Most of us are not that lucky. Some of us full on bleed- like, a lot. We buy special ugly underwear to wear during our periods because there's a good chance that they will get stained with blood....and period blood does not wash out like other blood. If you get a cut and you get blood on your shirt or pants, you can rinse it and it will come out....period blood stays forever. Listen, this may sound gross and graphic, but it's true. You often wear dark pants, just in case, and skirts and dresses are worn with extreme caution. Pants with stretchy waistbands are a savior, because you're bloated to the size of a whale. Your uterus swells, which not only hurts itself, but the swelling presses on other organs, like your bladder...meaning you have to pee all the time. Also, it puts pressure on the lower back, so you just hurt and ache like crazy. The uterus is shedding it's built up layer...so to slough it off and out, it's contracting and expanding to force it out....and you feel it. Sometimes I have to actually look down at my abdomen to reassure myself that I haven't actually been stabbed because the pains are so sharp and severe. The hormones will often also cause pH imbalances, meaning you may get a yeast infection, acne, greasier hair, increased hair growth....so we are feeling ugly inside and out.
So if your woman doesn't want to go out on a night because she's on her period...cut her some slack. I don't think most guys would want to hit the bar if their penis was oozing and they felt like their innards were trying to escape from their body. Graphic, yes; real, yes. Also, next time you want to make a 'maybe she's on her period joke'...yeah, I want you to graphically picture everything I described before you say that...cause you're a d*ck.
So to all my ladies out there in black sweatpants, scarfing down chocolate and clutching the hot water bottle to their tummies....I salute you, because we're in this together.
Alright, let's start with the obvious. Periods. There- that just got rid of a whole ton of male readers (as if I have readers) unless they are over the age of 30 and have been married long enough that it's as much as part of their life as oil changes and taking the garbage out.
Periods are something women have to deal with for 30-40 years of their life...every single month (except during pregnancy) and they are a simply biological process and completely natural. They are also lifelong hell curses sent by Satan himself. Seriously, the reward for not getting knocked up every month is to bleed out of your crotch for 5 days and feel like a whale who has been harpooned and left for dead?
Emotionally we're on a roller coaster we have zero control over where one second you're screaming at a kitten, the next you want to cry because you dropped your pen. It's especially bad during your teenage years, your hormones are already going crazy enough, then you through the period monkey wrench in there and watch out- you've got a walking grenade that can go at any second for no reason. I remember once screaming and whipping a fork at my brother's head because he jokingly took it from me in the kitchen one day...I still remember the look of terror on my entire family's face as I did it. I didn't mean to react that way, I certainly didn't mean to hurt him...but at that moment, I was so blinded with hormonal rage that I just....kablammo. As we age, our hormones change, so that means how we are during pre-menstrual and menstrual times change- some of us mellow out a bit more, some people get more unpredictably emotional, it's different for everyone...and we have no more warning than anyone else. Maybe one month you are just horrendously sad about everything- everything makes you cry (like the time I sobbed at a Muppet movie I'd seen a hundred times before), but maybe the next month everything makes you unreasonably aroused (like...you're siting at your desk and your mind just keeps wandering to the most 50 Shades-ish type fantasies for no reason). Men tend to think that women are so cranky and emotional around their periods just because they're upset or frustrated with having to have a period...nope, that pretty much has nothing to do with it. Our emotions get hijacked by some little red goblin in our brains and they hit the button 'random'...the same little goblin who gives teenage boys unexpected erections and drives their brain to think about sex and boobs....that little jerk goblin takes over our emotions.
Physically, good god. So, first of all, we bleed. Some only bleed a little bit...I call these women b*tches. I had friends growing up who only ever had light little periods and were more like those annoying women in the tampon commercials who only wear white and ride horses on the beach while on their periods. Most of us are not that lucky. Some of us full on bleed- like, a lot. We buy special ugly underwear to wear during our periods because there's a good chance that they will get stained with blood....and period blood does not wash out like other blood. If you get a cut and you get blood on your shirt or pants, you can rinse it and it will come out....period blood stays forever. Listen, this may sound gross and graphic, but it's true. You often wear dark pants, just in case, and skirts and dresses are worn with extreme caution. Pants with stretchy waistbands are a savior, because you're bloated to the size of a whale. Your uterus swells, which not only hurts itself, but the swelling presses on other organs, like your bladder...meaning you have to pee all the time. Also, it puts pressure on the lower back, so you just hurt and ache like crazy. The uterus is shedding it's built up layer...so to slough it off and out, it's contracting and expanding to force it out....and you feel it. Sometimes I have to actually look down at my abdomen to reassure myself that I haven't actually been stabbed because the pains are so sharp and severe. The hormones will often also cause pH imbalances, meaning you may get a yeast infection, acne, greasier hair, increased hair growth....so we are feeling ugly inside and out.
So if your woman doesn't want to go out on a night because she's on her period...cut her some slack. I don't think most guys would want to hit the bar if their penis was oozing and they felt like their innards were trying to escape from their body. Graphic, yes; real, yes. Also, next time you want to make a 'maybe she's on her period joke'...yeah, I want you to graphically picture everything I described before you say that...cause you're a d*ck.
So to all my ladies out there in black sweatpants, scarfing down chocolate and clutching the hot water bottle to their tummies....I salute you, because we're in this together.
Wednesday, 2 March 2016
The Siiiimpsooooons.....
I'm departing slightly from the norm...which is ironically normal for me. I will not be ranting or making new crazy words that don't really make any sense. Instead...I will simply share my personal list of the best Simpsons episodes of all time. This is purely my own opinion, which, means it is not right, but it means it is better than yours.
In no particular order:
1. Scorpio. Need I say more? The James Bond reference. The hammock district. The slow kid from Canada. I have a Hank Scoprio action figure on my desk, complete with flame thrower...because when project Arcturus comes to fruition, I will be joining the new regime.
2. Monorail. This episode put Ogdenville and North Haverbrook on the map. What wild animal wasn't called Bitey after that? Let's face it, who needs an expensive bid on the olympics when what we really want is that 50 foot elevator to nowhere or the popsicle skyscraper. Why did that guy stop for a haircut?!
3. Stonecutters. Who loves this episode? We do, we do! This episode only further proves that Patrick Stewart can do no wrong. This episode has the Egg Counsel and Steve Gutenberg...what more do you need?!
4. The Stroke. Dental plan...Lisa needs braces. Hired Goons. Play Classical Gas! This episode may even be the most consistent ever for laughs, it's pretty much non-stop from start to finish.
5. Terror Lake. Sideshow Bob was always pretty good for a decent episode, but this was his best. The rakes. The cactus patch. The elephants randomly celebrating Hannibal's crossing of the Alps. Mr.Thompson "I think he's talking to you". Brilliant.
6. Mindy. Marge and Homer's marriage has undergone many tests of possible infidelity, but never as good as Michelle Pfeiffer's Mindy. Where else would we learn to appreciate finding a turkey on a vacation from workey? The annoying bellboy with all of the sexual euphemism noises. Colonel Klink!
7. Beer Baron. Oh Rex Banner...you didn't enjoy your banana kaboom. Who didn't want to try a bathtub mint julep after watching this? Complete with nasal voiced narrator, this episode made me truly appreciate the joy of yelling "Kablammo!"
8. Softball- Usually when you have multiple guests appearances in one episode, things get messy, but this was brilliant. Gigantism! Daaaaaryl, Daaaaryl...it was all so good. Who doesn't still know the softball song at the end. Mister Burns' trying to bunt may be the ultimate cure for depression. I wonder if he ever figured out what sideburns are.
9. The Alien- Mulder and Scully came to Sprinfield and it only got better from there. The creepy music/symphony on the bus gag...the 'DIET' sign, Moe trying to carry a contraband whale. Add in yet another amazing guest shot by Leonard Nemoy and you just cannot go wrong. "It's like a lava lamp"
10. Homer's first gay friend, John. He taught us about camp value, that ultra-suede is a miracle and that Homer likes his homosexuals FLAMING. With some fabulous tributes to the steel mill industry and Hawaiian shirts, we saw just how ruthless reindeer can be "I've been tenderized".
I could go on, the Simpsons had some amazing golden years...long over, but still! I would continue my list but after thinking about them, I really just want to go watch all the old episodes.
In no particular order:
1. Scorpio. Need I say more? The James Bond reference. The hammock district. The slow kid from Canada. I have a Hank Scoprio action figure on my desk, complete with flame thrower...because when project Arcturus comes to fruition, I will be joining the new regime.
2. Monorail. This episode put Ogdenville and North Haverbrook on the map. What wild animal wasn't called Bitey after that? Let's face it, who needs an expensive bid on the olympics when what we really want is that 50 foot elevator to nowhere or the popsicle skyscraper. Why did that guy stop for a haircut?!
3. Stonecutters. Who loves this episode? We do, we do! This episode only further proves that Patrick Stewart can do no wrong. This episode has the Egg Counsel and Steve Gutenberg...what more do you need?!
4. The Stroke. Dental plan...Lisa needs braces. Hired Goons. Play Classical Gas! This episode may even be the most consistent ever for laughs, it's pretty much non-stop from start to finish.
5. Terror Lake. Sideshow Bob was always pretty good for a decent episode, but this was his best. The rakes. The cactus patch. The elephants randomly celebrating Hannibal's crossing of the Alps. Mr.Thompson "I think he's talking to you". Brilliant.
6. Mindy. Marge and Homer's marriage has undergone many tests of possible infidelity, but never as good as Michelle Pfeiffer's Mindy. Where else would we learn to appreciate finding a turkey on a vacation from workey? The annoying bellboy with all of the sexual euphemism noises. Colonel Klink!
7. Beer Baron. Oh Rex Banner...you didn't enjoy your banana kaboom. Who didn't want to try a bathtub mint julep after watching this? Complete with nasal voiced narrator, this episode made me truly appreciate the joy of yelling "Kablammo!"
8. Softball- Usually when you have multiple guests appearances in one episode, things get messy, but this was brilliant. Gigantism! Daaaaaryl, Daaaaryl...it was all so good. Who doesn't still know the softball song at the end. Mister Burns' trying to bunt may be the ultimate cure for depression. I wonder if he ever figured out what sideburns are.
9. The Alien- Mulder and Scully came to Sprinfield and it only got better from there. The creepy music/symphony on the bus gag...the 'DIET' sign, Moe trying to carry a contraband whale. Add in yet another amazing guest shot by Leonard Nemoy and you just cannot go wrong. "It's like a lava lamp"
10. Homer's first gay friend, John. He taught us about camp value, that ultra-suede is a miracle and that Homer likes his homosexuals FLAMING. With some fabulous tributes to the steel mill industry and Hawaiian shirts, we saw just how ruthless reindeer can be "I've been tenderized".
I could go on, the Simpsons had some amazing golden years...long over, but still! I would continue my list but after thinking about them, I really just want to go watch all the old episodes.
Wednesday, 24 February 2016
Just Don't
There are some thing you just shouldn’t do. I don’t care what your excuse it, I don’t
want to hear it. Just don’t.
So….just don’t:
Use the toilet and not wash your hands
Spit in public
Stop and have a conversation in the middle of a crowded
hallway
Use the last of the milk and not replace it
Listen to Kanye
Talk about being a vegan
Wear socks and sneakers with shorts (I’m looking at the
white dudes with cargo shorts on this one)
Argue for 10 minutes with the cashier about something beyond
her control (price, policy etc)
Cut in line
Take a seat on transit when there’s someone who needs it
more
Talk on the phone on transit
Use the term OCD for every habit you have
Think everything is about you
Brush someone off endlessly and then wonder why they don’t
call anymore
Gossip, because it’s really just another word for bullying
Use violence
Miss a chance to call your parents
Expect others to pay for your life and your mistakes
Expect your eBay purchase to be what you hoped
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant, no matter how big the belly
is
Post spoilers online less than 2 weeks after the first
airing
Ask me why I’m a Leafs fan…I have no good answers anymore.
Ask me for advise if you aren’t going to listen
Plan a meeting for a Friday afternoon
Be late for everything
Be the person who always cancels plans
Tell me about your workout
Be offended by stupid crap
Complain about the government if you didn’t vote
Believe Trump
Wear crocs
Be a bitch
There….so just….don’t.
Monday, 22 February 2016
This is why I drink
Those moments of pure anxiety. We all have them...some more than others. While some people cannot do anything at all without feeling anxious about it, there are certain things in life that every single person feels anxious about while it's happening, no matter how irrational the anxiety may be.
- Paying by card. Even if you know you have tons of room or money on your card, there is always that innate fear that the card will get declined and you'll look like a loser
- Trying on clothes. You know your size...you shop at this store all the time. But what if you've suddenly put on 40 pounds and 4 sizes in the past few weeks!?
- Looking for your phone. If you didn't put it in the exact spot/pocket you first checked...instant terror.
- Sending an email. You send dozens, hundreds a week...but each time you hit send...are you 100% sure you spelled everything correctly and said everything in an appropriate way? Did you remember to mention everything you meant to?
- Missing that last step. That swooping feeling you get in your tummy as your foot goes down a step further than you were expecting....makes you feel like you've fallen off the Chrysler Building.
- When you have to take off your jewelry and/or watch for something like a shower or medical exam and don't put it back on right away. No matter how many times you remind yourself that it's not lost, you know exactly where it is....every time you look at it's not there or you notice the lack of feeling it...you're convinced it's lost forever.
-Stepping on the scale...because no matter how good you've been that week...the scale is an a-hole.
- When the boss asks to speak to you for a minute out of nowhere. You most likely did absolutely nothing wrong, but you start panicking that you're about to be fired- you start desperately trying to think of anything you may have done wrong that could warrant discipline- 'did I get caught using Facebook too much?', 'did someone complain about me?', 'do they know I've been secretly farming llamas in the downstairs breakroom?'
- Googling your symptoms. No matter what ails you, don't do it. Dr.Google never has good news. A sore throat? Throat cancer. An achy back? Your spine is deteriorating. Sneezed? You have alien pods living in your lungs. It's the same reason you should never read the 'side effects' on the meds...they will scare you into feeling worse.
- Walking past one of those annoying students with a charity clipboard. You don't want to stop, you don't want to have to come up with some excuse why you don't want to talk to them or why you don't want to give them your money...but you feel like a jerk because they're asking for your time and money usually to help the needy. You walk past every time with the 'oh god don't make eye contact' mantra and pray that if you walk by quickly enough they won't see you, like some opposite of a T-rex.
- When you have to take off your jewelry and/or watch for something like a shower or medical exam and don't put it back on right away. No matter how many times you remind yourself that it's not lost, you know exactly where it is....every time you look at it's not there or you notice the lack of feeling it...you're convinced it's lost forever.
-Stepping on the scale...because no matter how good you've been that week...the scale is an a-hole.
- When the boss asks to speak to you for a minute out of nowhere. You most likely did absolutely nothing wrong, but you start panicking that you're about to be fired- you start desperately trying to think of anything you may have done wrong that could warrant discipline- 'did I get caught using Facebook too much?', 'did someone complain about me?', 'do they know I've been secretly farming llamas in the downstairs breakroom?'
- Googling your symptoms. No matter what ails you, don't do it. Dr.Google never has good news. A sore throat? Throat cancer. An achy back? Your spine is deteriorating. Sneezed? You have alien pods living in your lungs. It's the same reason you should never read the 'side effects' on the meds...they will scare you into feeling worse.
- Walking past one of those annoying students with a charity clipboard. You don't want to stop, you don't want to have to come up with some excuse why you don't want to talk to them or why you don't want to give them your money...but you feel like a jerk because they're asking for your time and money usually to help the needy. You walk past every time with the 'oh god don't make eye contact' mantra and pray that if you walk by quickly enough they won't see you, like some opposite of a T-rex.
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