The Siiiimpsooooons.....

I'm departing slightly from the norm...which is ironically normal for me.  I will not be ranting or making new crazy words that don't really make any sense.  Instead...I will simply share my personal list of the best Simpsons episodes of all time.  This is purely my own opinion, which, means it is not right, but it means it is better than yours.

In no particular order:

1. Scorpio.  Need I say more?  The James Bond reference. The hammock district. The slow kid from Canada.  I have a Hank Scoprio action figure on my desk, complete with flame thrower...because when project Arcturus comes to fruition, I will be joining the new regime.

2. Monorail.  This episode put Ogdenville and North Haverbrook on the map.  What wild animal wasn't called Bitey after that?  Let's face it, who needs an expensive bid on the olympics when what we really want is that 50 foot elevator to nowhere or the popsicle skyscraper.  Why did that guy stop for a haircut?!

3. Stonecutters.  Who loves this episode? We do, we do!  This episode only further proves that Patrick Stewart can do no wrong.  This episode has the Egg Counsel and Steve Gutenberg...what more do you need?!

4. The Stroke.  Dental plan...Lisa needs braces.  Hired Goons.  Play Classical Gas!  This episode may even be the most consistent ever for laughs, it's pretty much non-stop from start to finish.

5. Terror Lake.  Sideshow Bob was always pretty good for a decent episode, but this was his best.  The rakes. The cactus patch. The elephants randomly celebrating Hannibal's crossing of the Alps.  Mr.Thompson "I think he's talking to you".  Brilliant.

6. Mindy.  Marge and Homer's marriage has undergone many tests of possible infidelity, but never as good as Michelle Pfeiffer's Mindy.  Where else would we learn to appreciate finding a turkey on a vacation from workey?  The annoying bellboy with all of the sexual euphemism noises. Colonel Klink!

7. Beer Baron.  Oh Rex Banner...you didn't enjoy your banana kaboom.  Who didn't want to try a bathtub mint julep after watching this?  Complete with nasal voiced narrator, this episode made me truly appreciate the joy of yelling "Kablammo!"

8. Softball- Usually when you have multiple guests appearances in one episode, things get messy, but this was brilliant.  Gigantism!  Daaaaaryl, Daaaaryl...it was all so good.  Who doesn't still know the softball song at the end.  Mister Burns' trying to bunt may be the ultimate cure for depression.  I wonder if he ever figured out what sideburns are.

9. The Alien- Mulder and Scully came to Sprinfield and it only got better from there.  The creepy music/symphony on the bus gag...the 'DIET' sign, Moe trying to carry a contraband whale.  Add in yet another amazing guest shot by Leonard Nemoy and you just cannot go wrong.  "It's like a lava lamp"

10. Homer's first gay friend, John.  He taught us about camp value, that ultra-suede is a miracle and that Homer likes his homosexuals FLAMING.  With some fabulous tributes to the steel mill industry and Hawaiian shirts, we saw just how ruthless reindeer can be "I've been tenderized".


I could go on, the Simpsons had some amazing golden years...long over, but still!  I would continue my list but after thinking about them, I really just want to go watch all the old episodes.

New Greetings Cards

Today marks the 2 year anniversary of this blog

*crickets*

My bloggiversary may not exactly be the event of the year, but it did make me think of how many occasions there are without sufficient greeting card availability.  So while I will forgive my readers (all 0.3 of you) for not sending me a card to celebrate this milestone, I will mark this monument of life with some of my ideas for cards that Hallmark just doesn't have covered yet:

"Congratulations on finally dumping the gf/bf I've always hated but never had the heart to tell you so"

"Happy Freedom from your cellular contract day!"- given to commemorate the last day of your Bell/Rogers/Telus contract- the day you are free from one evil to go get screwed the exact same way by one of the others in a viscous customer-f**king cycle.

"Congratulations on passing that tape worm!"

"I'm sorry I gave you the herp"

"My deepest condolences that your child grew up to be a douchebag"

"Congrats on having a hot sibling, can I come for dinner more often?"

"You Did It! You found your keys in your purse on the first try!"

"Happy one year anniversary of not using the word 'bro', keep it up!"

"Happy Birthday Kitty" - to be given to your cat on his/her bday (please note: yes, I did wish my cat a happy birthday AND bought her a present).

"Thank you for always being the fat friend"

"My sincerest apologies for calling your baby ugly, I didn't mean for you to hear that"

"Way to get through high school without getting knocked up!"

"My deepest sympathies on finding out you're over 40 and pregnant"

"Let's celebrate! Our husbands weren't on the Ashley Madison subscribers list!"

"Happy anniversary of losing your virginity to some random dude!"

"Congratulations that your celebrity crush is getting a divorce!"

"Thank you for not telling my parents all the awful stuff we did in high school"

"Happy good hair day!"

"Congratulations on finally stopping dressing like a two-dollar hooker"

"You're getting married! Why?!"

" I'm sorry that you accidentally sexted your mom/dad"

"Congrats! You stopped f**king swearing!"

People who need to be my friends

I have many lists of people who need to go away, but I haven't yet created a list of people in the world whom I have largely not met, but I think we should be friends.  Some of these people make me laugh, some I find fascinating and others are just really cool and I need to learn their ways.  If you don't recognize the name, I highly suggest looking them up.

In no particular order....

Robert Downey Jr (needs to be my husband, not just friends)
Tom Hiddleston (also husband preferable)
Jennifer Lawrence
Neil DeGrasse Tyson
The Fat Jewish (that's his Instagram name, I'm not Mel Gibson-ing)
Stephen Fry
George Takei
The Rock
Dara O'Briain
Ed Byrne
Frankie Boyle
Ellen Degeneres
David Mitchell
Tina Fey
NPH
Joss Whedon
Matt Groening
Professor Farnsworth....he's a cartoon but we can still be friends!!!
Amy Schumer
Will Ferrell
Peter Dinklage
Ricky Gervais
Jon Stewart
Whoever invented the adult onesie
The writers of Cyanide & Happiness
John Cleese
Benedict Cumberbatch
Noel Fielding

Ok, so....if you have any contacts with these future besties of mine, please let me know...so we can let our friendships blossom.

Wasted Talents

I am a person of many skills and talents...no really, I am.  The fact is that I just can't list most of them on a resumé.  If I could be completely honest about the things I'm best at, my resumé would be 15 pages long...and I would be perpetually unemployed.

So here is my true resumé with all of my true skills..

- I can speak almost entirely in Simpsons quotes.
- I can fall asleep just about anywhere, anytime
- I speak some Polish...all of it offensive.
- I can turn any conversation dirty is less than 3 seconds.
- I am a master at finding a good sale
- I can remember completely pointless trivia
- I almost never forget anyone's birthday, even if I haven't seen them in years.
- I always have a pun ready...a really bad pun.
- I can watch the same tv shows over and over in repeat and never tire of them
- I can make an entire large pizza disappear
- I can believe it's not butter
- I have the unique ability to trip over air
- I can watch Ghostbusters 2 and enjoy it
- I once completed a 25x25 Sudoku puzzle
- I can spend 2 hours doing my hair and still manage to have a bad hair day
- I can think of more than 20 excuses not to go to the gym in under 4 seconds
- I can convert healthy eating and exercise into fat....somehow
- I can listen to you attentively for hours on end and still not give a sh*t
- I can tell the difference between Coke and Pepsi
- I have never caved in to pressure and watched The Notebook
- I can pretty much recite all Harry Potter books from memory
- I let the dogs out
- I once almost touched my toes
- I am fluent in sarcasm...because that's useful...
- My desk drawer is stocked with just about anything you could ever need for any situation

Good Advice

"Don't Touch -Willie"....good advice!

Everyone always has advice to give on everything; friends, family, magazines, tv shows, complete strangers etc.  The problem is that we're usually offered so much of it that it's hard to know what to listen to.  The obvious person you should be listening to is me...I am amazing.

I've been given a ton of advice about everything in life, some I'm very glad I've listen to, some I wish I hadn't and some I'm really glad I didn't.  To the friend who advised me at age 24 that I should have a baby because it was fun...ya...you maybe should refrain from sharing your advice. To the person who advised me that lending money to a deadbeat ex-bf was a bad idea...wish I'd listened to you.

These days I take most of my advice from Liz Lemon "Put potato chips on a sandwich", but I felt it prudent to share some nuggets of wisdom I've received or learned over the years from various sources...what I would consider to be amongst the best advice I can give.

1.  Live Alone.  Not forever...but do it at some point in your life.  I lived with two boyfriends after moving out of my parents house. I technically had my own place briefly but I spent almost no time alone there.  Living alone teaches you how to become a more complete person, how to solve your own problems, how to live with yourself and be independent.

2.  Watch how someone treats service people.  If they are rude to the waitress or the cashier, what does that tell you about someone?  It shows a lack of respect for people and shows selfishness.  I had an ex who used to be foul to waitresses and it embarrassed me...it wasn't long before he began to treat me the same way.

3. Comfortable shoes are never unfashionable.  Seriously, having sore feet can ruin any day or occasion.  Always have comfy shoes on hand because there is nothing sexy about high heels when you're walking like you just had the world's largest enema.

4. Wait 24 hours before sending an angry message.  We all say things in the heat of the moment that we wish we could take back...so why risk it?

5. Never go to bed angry.  This can be so hard because sometimes you're just so angry or so upset, but it's worth it.  Waking up still angry will put a damper on your entire day, you're letting the negativity consume you and eat at you and the resentment only builds.  Just deal with it now...trust me.

6. Wait to get married.  Why are people in their 20's in such a rush to get married?  I watched so many friends marry the wrong person just because they HAD to get married or else they thought their world would end.  If you love them and want to be together, then that's what matters...make sure you know.  Otherwise, maybe you're just doing this for the wedding and not for the marriage.

7.  Don't lend money to people you know.  This never ends well.  If it's for life-saving surgery, ok, fine, but otherwise, do not risk it.  One person will end up getting screwed somehow, even if you pay them back immediately...it will haunt you both.

8.  Drink more water.  There is no downside to this...just do it. It helps your digestion, your skin, your appetite control, your blood sugar, your weight...and it's the best habit you'll start.

9. Send me money.  How did this get in the list? Silly me....but seriously, do it.

10. Have a hobby...like me...I write blog posts nobody reads or cares about...but I do it because I enjoy it as an outlet.  It keeps me from venting at strangers on the street again.

Now my advice is to stop dicking around on the internet and do something productive...like watching Netflix.

40 Reasons To Smile

I'm told that today is International Happiness Day...so in that spirit- I am going to name off a list of things that, instead of 'noooope', always make me go 'yeeeeep'

Here is my own personal book of awesome:

A really cold beer
Coming in late to work only to find out that the boss is even later than you
Watching a princess-looking woman trip over her own heels
Hearing that the person who you hate got into trouble at work
Making someone spit their drink out from laughing
Taking your bra off at the end of the day
The cashier telling you that your item is actually on sale
Getting your contact lens in on the first try
Someone bringing you a hot cup of tea (or coffee) in the morning
When a child asks to sit next to you
Thinking you forgot your charger but finding you didn't
Grabbing your keys as soon as you go into your purse instead of having to search
When an old friend reconnects without having ulterior motives
Your online order being delivered way faster than you expected
Meeting a new friend from the same fandom as you
Getting the elevator to yourself
Getting a seat on the subway/bus
When the office closes early the day before a holiday
When an animal falls asleep on you
Getting home from work and taking off your pants
A foot rub when you've been walking all day
Stepping in front of a fan on a really hot day
Finding out that your guilty pleasure food isn't as high calorie as first thought
When they open a new cash register just as you walk up to the line
Free donuts at work
Your best friend saying something unbelievably stupid so that you laugh your ass off
Finding out that your favourite show has been renewed for another season
Getting to use a piece of obscure trivia you aren't even sure how you know
Laughing until you either snort or wheeze
A onesie
Good hair days
Free samples!
Getting that long overdue 'to do' item checked off your list
Having breakfast for dinner
Wearing a new shirt and people complimenting you on it
Finally being alone and able to scratch your butt when it's super itchy
Getting the cozy chairs in the café
Getting to go back to sleep
Comfy shoes
Fridays