ME WORD GOOD!

Guess what!  More words!

Don't care?  Me neither!


Flabs- (ph-lah-bz) noun. plural.  A pudgy stomach; where you have flab instead of abs.

Vag of Honour (Vajj of Aw-Nur) noun. When a woman is proud of her sexual accomplishments.  Example: I slept with a young gorgeous man last night and I'm wearing that like a vag of honour.

To Lose your Furginity (Furr-jin-itti) verb.  When you get your first pet as an adult living on your own.

Cinnabod (syn-nah-bodd) noun. When you get so fat that you start looking like the Cinnabun's you've been eating.

Fwerk- (Ffwurk)- verb. To fake work when your boss passes by so they don't know you were goofing off.

Words You Are Using Incorrectly

I've previously attempted to assist with the common grammatical crimes of your/you're and their/they're/there; so today I will focus on some other offenses oft committed but perhaps overlooked.

Words you are using wrong:

Selfie.  This is really only used incorrectly by people over the age of 50.  These people seem to think that a selfie is any photo taken on a mobile device.  A selfie is a photo you take of yourself, it's a self taken photo of one's self....hence selfie.  I cannot tell you how many times I've heard someone say "She got a selfie of him with her phone"....that's not possible- you cannot take a selfie of someone other than yourself.

Literally.  No, you did not literally die when you heard big news.  You are not literally incapable of handling the situation.  If you had done either of these, you'd either be physically dead or mentally insane; which you aren't, you're just a twat who doesn't know what 'literally' means.  What you want is the word 'figurative' if anything.

Awesome.  This means to inspire awe, actual awe; a feeling of such breathtaking a mind wrenching incomprehension and subjugation that you are taken to the brink of sanity by what you are experiencing and are reduced to your most basic animal mental state by the information.  So, is the sandwich you said was awesome really that good?  I doubt it.

Feminist- this is any person who believes that women deserve equal rights, pay, treatment to men.  That's it.  This can refer to a man or a woman who hold his belief.  This does not only refer to butch lesbians, to misandry spewing man-haters, to women who need to get laid, it refers to all people who believe in fighting discrimination based on sex.  We fight against stereotyping other groups such as all right-wingers are hillbilly bible-thumpers, all left-wingers are hippy drug addicts and all Americans are racist etc.  Yes, these extremes exist, but don't let the few bad apples sour the whole bunch.  The word you are looking for instead is 'feminazi'- the extremists of the group who are just the worst.

GIF vs JIF- The short form stands for 'graphic interchange format'. The word 'graphic' has a guttural 'gu' sound, not a hard 'j' or 'ʤ' sound as per phonetics.  The letter 'g' is pronounced differently based on the vowel that proceeds it; if it is followed by an 'i' or and 'e', then it takes on the 'j' or 'ʤ' sound; if it is proceeded by an 'a' and 'o' or a 'u', then it it pronounces as the softened 'gu' sound.  The exception to this is for Germanic words such as 'gift' and 'geese'.  Therefore, a Roman based language would say "Jif" and a Germanic  would pronounce is "Gif" with a soft 'g'.  As English is a combination of both....this means they are both right and both wrong and that there is no right answer.  Stop debating this online, it doesn't matter, look at cat videos like a normal person.


I'm sure one of these days one of my language professors will stumble across my language rants and will immediately have my degree revoked...but until then, keep reading!

Wurd!

It's Black Friday in the US, which means that it's a time where people go a little crazy and maybe get a bit stressed out.  Why not take a load off and learn some new vocabulary:


Snackle- verb. (Snak-el) To settle for a snack you don't really want but you're too lazy to get anything else.  I snackle on bananas a lot because they're easy and involve no cooking.

Santa-ist- noun. (San-tah-isst) A person who is overly enthusiastic about Christmas.  These people often have overly elaborate decorations and wear ugly Christmas sweaters non-ironically.

Waking up on the wrong side of the dick- verb. A crankier version of waking up on the wrong side of the bed.

Amazish- adjective. (ah-maiz-ish) When something makes you really happy but you don't really care all that much- eg. When you hear that they're doing a reboot of a cartoon you loved as a kid...it's great...but it doesn't really affect you.

May I Have a Few Words

As the OED will still not take my calls, here are the latest contributions I've made to the slow death of the English language:


Affectionitis- noun. (ah-fek-shun-eye-tiss) a condition whereby people are scared of any human affection. They recoil when hugged and act like you're trying to kill them if you give them a kiss.

Blabberghasted- adj. (blah-burr-gast-ed). When you're simply shocked at just how much someone else talks without shutting up.

Bragestif- noun (brah-zhest-teef). The crumbs you find in your boobs after eating, especially something flaky, that you snack on when the meal is done and you're still sitting down.

Debrain- verb (Dee-brayn).  A reflexive verb for when you have mentally checked out and/or stepped off the train of thought.  Eg. "I would love to help you solve your problem but I've debrained for the day and am of no use"

Hockey Terms

Like all sports, hockey has its own rules, traditions, superstitions and language.  If I were to walk up to a non-hockey fan and say "Man, did you see OV with the Gordie Howe hat trick last night?  Too bad those blind zebras couldn't call an elbow if it hit them in the face".....the non-hockey fan may think I've just suffered some kind of breakdown in need of immediate mental assessment.

So, to help out our less veteran fans, here is a short compendium of some common and some odd terms used by hockey players, commentators and fans alike...a hock-tionary if you will (or if you won't, I don't judge):

Hat Trick- When one player scores three goals in one game.  When this happens, all fans in attendance who are wearing hats celebrate by throwing their hats onto the ice.  If you are wearing a hat and do not throw it...other fans are allowed to throw the rest of you into a toilet.  Didn't want to lose your hat? Shouldn't have worn it!

Gordie Howe hat trick- when one player has a goal, an assist and a fight all in one game.  This is named after the late, great Gordie Howe who could score and also turn your face into minced meat.  This has become a rare feat these days as most scorers don't want to risk injury in a fight and most fighters couldn't score with a fist-full of cash in a brothel.

Wingers- these are the forwards who play predominantly on one side of the ice or the other.  There are 3 forwards, one is a centreman, one plays on his left wing, the other on his right wing.  This assures full ice coverage and benefits those players who are left and right-handed shots.  The fact that it's referred to as 'wings' makes you think it would have made for a better signature move in the Mighty Ducks movies than that stupid Flying V....the Iceland team crushed that! Dammit Coach Bombay, you'll always be a failure in my eyes!

The Can Opener- My fondest memories of this was in the McCabe days with the Leafs, it made up for his redneck mo-hawk.  This is when a player puts his stick between the legs of an opponent and twists it so as to trip him up.  This is not allowed, it's a tripping penalty, but it's funny as hell to watch.  The term can opener comes from the twist and flip motion, not, like a friend of mine once believed, because the player hides a metal instrument in their pants with which to hit the other team.

Sin Bin- an alternate term for the penalty box.  This is where penalized players sit for their grown man's time out when they have been naughty or when the ref is a moron who calls stupid trips that were not trips (i.e. Holtby tripped over his own stick morons!!)  There are many nicknames for the penalty box, my personal favourite being 'Wendel's House'

Hockey hair- really, just google it, it's magnificent.  Popularized in the 80's and 90's, hockey players were notorious for having some of the best mullets of all-time.  Jaromir Jagr was, and will always be, the reigning champ of best hockey hair of all-time, although the Gretzky and Lemieux heydays were quite glorious.  While no longer really worn, sometimes you get some throwbacks in the playoffs to match the perennial playoff beards (an entirely different topic, see Joe Thornton 2016)

Goal Crease- This is the area around the goal, painted and the home of the weirdest and least understood creature in all of hockey, the goalie.  This area is not allowed to be occupied by other players when attempting to score, only the goalie...and if you should cross into it, you should be prepared to receive a crosscheck to the spine with a goalie stick, or an opposing defenseman's fist in your jugular.  Goalies are very territorial creatures, and if you mess with them, they may get very angry and scream at the ref...but then trip..and fall down...and take the ref down too...oh Cujo, you crazy bastard.

Offside- I'm not even going to try....seriously...

China Wall- nickname of Hall of Fame goalie Johnny Bower, so named as he was nearly impenetrable and a very resilient goalie.  He played in the days when goalies did not wear masks, which you would think would explain his weathered face, however Johnny has looked 85 since he was 25 years old.  Amongst the nicest human beings you will ever meet, some believe that a smile from Johnny Bower can bring puppies back to life.

Original Six- the first era of the NHL in which only 6 teams existed from 1942 until1967.  While the NHL existed prior to 1942, teams were quite transitive and inconsistent, there were many moves and name changes of teams (i,e Toronto St.Pats became the Toronto Maple Leafs, the Ottawa Senators played and collapsed....as they should again).  The teams were located in Toronto, Montreal, Chicago, New York, Boston and Detroit.  As a Leafs fan, you tend to be able to respect these teams more than most as they come from an era in which hockey existed in its purest form...which is all we have ever won.  Upon expansion in 1967, the Philadelphia Flyers (and others) entered the league and hockey was tainted forever....lookin at you Bobby Clark.

Puck Bunny- a less than favourable nickname for the female hockey fans who only like hockey for the players' looks.  Also called 'puck f**ks', they only watch hockey from their backs and cannot spell Nordiques or Gretzky.  If their jersey is longer than their skirt, their layer of makeup is thicker than the ice surface and they can only name you Lupul...she's a puck bunny.  Like most bunnies, they're cute to look at but will hump anything and are fun to hit with a car.

Holding- hockey players look and act tough, but really they are all just big teddy bears and sometimes, in the middle of games, they just need to hug it out.  This is only allowed on the benches and in the locker rooms where hug huddles or 'huggles' are often held just to assuage the sensitive emotions of the players.  The fear is that they will not get any hockey played if they're allowed to hug too much.   Just kidding, it's when you hold back another player from the puck...pretty simple really.

Miracle on Ice- in  the 1980 Olympics, the underdog American team beat the superior USSR team.  They didn't win gold, they won a game but they're American so they like to think this was the best hockey game ever.  Two words: Henderson Scores. Suck it.

Grinder- not only a terrible show with Rob Lowe, also a hockey term.  This refers to a player who plays with grit, he drives to the boards, he takes the body and works hard.  He's not always going to be the highest scorer because often he's busy doing the key bits away from the puck that flashier players don't bother with...like getting into a fight (didn't wanna risk that movie star smile eh Modano?)

Icing- when a player shoots the puck across both the centre red line and the opposing team's goal line without anyone touching it in between.  Used to get the puck as far out of the zone as possible in times of panic.  My personal least favourite hockey term as whenever it happens, it makes me crave cupcakes and frankly, I'm beginning to look like one.

Maple Leaves- it's often asked why it's "Leafs" and not "Leaves" and other fans laugh at Leafs fans claiming we're stupid and cannot spell.  One big theory of the name is that the Toronto Maple Leafs got their name from a regiment during WWI called the "Maple Leaf Regiment".  In this case, the Maple Leaf would be a proper name and not a noun which thereby should not be pluralized as a noun but as a name.  SO KISS MY LEAFSSSSSSSSSSS.  (not like you get to criticize anyways Ottawa...you're the Senators but your logo is a centurion?!)

So now you know a few more terms from the wide world of hockey.  I cannot guarantee that this will assist you in understanding everything about hockey, I've still only ever understood about 23% of anything Don Cherry has ever said.

  

Words to yo' Motha

As it was Mother's Day yesterday, I will do what my mom did when she gave birth to me...I will unleash a terror on the world!!  The terrible boredom of more new words!!!


Waifchella (wayf-chel-lah) adj. The current fashion trend of making every girl look like she's trying to be a hippie at Coachella, but the clothing is only cute if you have the body fat levels of a stick of organic celery.

DDnied (Dub-bull Dee Nye-d) verb. Being unable to purchase certain items of clothing due to an overabundance of boob.

Stuperstar (Stoop-ur Sta-ahr) noun. When you do something that, at first, seems incredibly dumb, but turns out well in the end.  Example: dropping your phone in public but having it picked up by the cute guy/girl and starting a conversation.

Mother of Drag-ons (Muthur of Drag-gons) noun. When you call your mom for something quick but she ends up talking your ear off for 2 hours, no matter how many time you try to end the conversation.

Canadian Thermometer (Can-ay-dee-an Thur-mom-etter) noun.  When you go outside in winter with wet hair and it turns to icilcles.

Vegantologist (Vee-ghan-tall-ah-jist) noun. Vegans who are way too obsessed with being vegan and are always trying to convert everyone else.

Word up!

Productired (Pro-duck-tie-rd) adj. When you're extra tired in the morning at work, s much so that you don't socialize or get up, therefore getting a lot more work done than usual.  Simply, being too tired to procrastinate

Aquaholic (Ah-qwa-hall-ick) noun. That person who, no matter, the problem, tells you to drink lots of water.  For everything from a headache to brain tumors, "drink more water".

Crankapotamus (Kraynk-ha-pott-a-muss) noun. When you're having a bad PMS day, so you try relaxing in a hot bath but you just sit in there all grumpy, half submerged and bloated.

The Giuseppe Curl (Juice-eppy kurl) noun. the Italian version of the Gerry Curl.  That overly gelled curly half-mullet that looks like they dyed Mr.Noodles and made a wig out of it.

Bimbi (Bim-bee) noun. A bimbo whose high heels are making her walk like a baby deer.

Adding to the Dictionary

New year, new post, new words...it's all coming up Milhouse!!!

Purrcour- noun/verb (Purr-koor)- When the cat starts running around bouncing off the walls and furniture for no reason.

Playing hide and sneak - verb- Hiding junk food away from reach to avoid eating it all but then sneaking back to that spot every few minutes to eat more.

A Staff Infection- noun (Stahff in-fek-shiun)- when that jerk coworker comes in with a cold and gets the whole office sick.

Jiggiggling - verb (Dzi-gig-lling)- when a fat person laughs really animatedly and they begin to look like a lava lamp.  (example: me when watching cat videos)

Famish adj. (Fay-mish)- Someone who is kinda famous but not really.  The sort of person you recognize from things...but you never remember from what or what their name is.

A Few Words

So far I haven't had any luck getting through to the official dictionary people, however soon enough I'll have invented enough new words to start my own. I will name it "The Book of SMRT". Here are today's words:

Excerfries verb. (ex-sir-frize)- to indulge in junk food because you worked out once 

Twenteenager noun. (twun-teen-ay-jer)- for those early twenties where you haven't really grown up yet

Bronami (bro-nah-mee) or dudenado (dood-nay-doh) noun.- getting caught in a large group of bros/dudes who are all dressed like douches and you can't seem to escape their whirlwind of doucheness 

Christmass (kriss-m-ass) noun.- the weight you put on during the holiday season

More New Words!

I can't say that this is how I imagined I would be putting my language degree to use, but at least it wasn't a total waste (sorry mom and dad).  I will eventually have to recap all of these new word creations of mine and start my own dictionary since those twats at the Oxford won't allow me within 50 meters of their office anymore.  Here are today's words:

Spoontang (Spoon-tang) noun. A guilty pleasure of indulging in food.  Eg: I have some Ben and Jerry's in my freezer waiting for me...I'm gonna get me some spoontang.

Procatstinate (Pro-kat-stinn-ate) verb. To waste time watching cat videos online. Eg. I was supposed to be getting that report done for my boss but I spent the whole day procatstinating watching Simon's Cat on YouTube.

Caffiend- (Ka-feend) noun. A person who is massively addicted to caffeine such a coffee and energy drinks.  Eg. Mike really needs to cut down on the coffee, he's a major caffiend, he's up to 5 a day.

Tadpolling (Tad-pol-ling) verb. Dating someone much too young for you.  Sharon is 39 and is dating a 21 year old guys, I don't know why she's tadpolling instead of looking for someone a bit more mature.

Newest vocabulary submissions to the OED

To date, nobody from the Oxford English dictionary (OED) has contacted me regarding my prior submissions to the dictionary...other than 2 restraining orders and 1 cease-and-desist.  This has not dampened my spirits or crushed the hopes that one day I will make it into the common vernacular, even if those language snobs refuse to acknowledge my advanced linguistic propensity! To put it simply...suck it word dweebs, these words are happening:

Decorbating (deck-orb-bait-ing) verb. To find a bit too much pleasure and obsession in decorating. Eg. "You spend way too much time and money decorbating in Pottery Barn, how many damn mason jars do we need?!"

Cock Blogging (Cok Blawg-ing) verb. To destroy a guy's chances with other women by posting online about his lack of size or performance in the bedroom. Eg. "I thought I was in with that cute new girl but my ex cock blogged me by posting about how bad I am."

Flamentation (flam-men-tay-shun) noun. To overact your regret or sadness over something to make yourself the center of attention. Eg. "Where is crazy aunt Mary?" "She's whaling her flamentations in front of the whole family about how nobody ever calls her."

A Confidence Boobst (boob-st) noun. The slight boost in self-confidence you get when you know you're not looking your best but you catch a guy looking down your top. "I was feeling bloated and having a fat day but when I caught Jim looking, I have to admit, it was a bit of a confidence boobst"

New dictionary entries in 2015

Each year the OED accepts new words and a 'word' of the year is named for being the most popular.  I have a few of my own creations that I would like to submit.

Trifukta (try-fuck-tah)- noun.  To have three major errors or flaws.  Eg. "Rob Ford is racist, sexist and homophobic, he has completed the trifukta of being a horrible human being"  OR "I busted my phone, threw up in the street and ripped my pants, tonight has been a complete trifukta"


Clam Bake (klam bayk)- noun. A gathering a females.  The female equivalent to the "Sausage Fest".  Eg. "There were no guys at the party, it was a total clam bake"


Hypercrastinate (hy-purr-cras-tin-ate), verb. To have a ton of energy but not do anything productive. Eg. "I was bouncing off the walls but couldn't be bothered to go mail that letter down the road, I just sat around hypercrastinating".


Zeeyoncé (zee-yawn-say) noun. An ugly and ghetto girl who thinks she's Queen Bee. "Girl, you tryna be Beyoncé but you so low rent, you more like Zeeyoncé"