White Girl Blogging

White Girl Blogging

Wednesday, 12 November 2014

To the girl on the subway

This is not my usual post...it is just something I want to share.

On September 2, 2014 I received the phone call that I will never forget. I was at work in downtown Toronto and the phone call was from my father to tell me that my mother had passed away.

While her passing was expected, it was still the most painful thing to hear.
I called my boyfriend to let him know and we agreed to meet in 15 minutes at King Station to go north. I tried to keep composed as I was alone and in the busy and rigid Financial District mid-day but the tears would not yield and fell down my face as I walked and waited on the platform. I sat there, in King Station, feeling lost, alone, devastated and very embarrassed to be crying in public. I averted my gaze from the passers-by and most people looked at me the same way that they look at the homeless men outside the buildings.

And then I felt a hand on my shoulder. It was a girl, blonde hair, maybe about 27 years old. She looked me in the eyes and asked "Are you ok?" - and she meant it, the warmth of her hand and of her question were evident and genuine. I was taken aback by this stranger who literally had reached out to me. I said "I am ok, I just was told that a loved one has passed away" and forced a smile. She leaned in and said "I'm sorry. Are you alone? Do you need any help?" And when I said that my boyfriend would be along shortly to meet me, she immediately offered to stay with me until he arrived.

She did not have to do this. I could hve been crazy, dangerous, mean etc. but she saw a person who looked like they were in need and she reached out. 
I never got her name but whoever you are, I think of you as my "subway angel". That type of act of kindness was something my mother would have done. This random act of kindness brought me a reminder of how good the world can be when my world looked so dark. My loss made me feel so lost but your hand on my shoulder felt like a guide.

I hope you know, subway angel, that you made a difference that day. Maybe you were scared I was going to jump, but whatever made you do it, I will always remember your kindness.

Tuesday, 14 October 2014

Sins of the Grocery Store

Most of us are aware of the 7 deadly sins from the Bible, however we also all know that there are much more abhorrent sins that were somehow left off that crucial list.  There is a place in which many crimes against humanity occur and the moment I mention it, you will all agree....it is the grocery store.  The grocery store, such a harmless seeming place, provider of such basics and essentials of life, yet a place so steeped in evil, a place of so many unspeakably hideous misdeeds against fellow humans and nature itself that it could easily be classified as its own circle of infernal damnation.  If you think I'm exaggerating, just think of the last time that you were standing in a line at the local grocery store and the old woman at the front of the line pulled out her little change purse...I bet you felt the same dragon fire fuelled anger that we all have when we see Satan's little coin purse emerging from the flowery oversized handbag.

Here a list of just a few of the common sins committed in the aisles of your local food emporium:


Leaving your cart out in the middle of the aisle.  Seriously, most grocery store aisles are only big enough for two carts passing each other if both are paying attention- so leaving your cart out in the middle of the aisle while you try to climb a shelf for that last box of $0.49 spam is not helping.  I will ram your cart and/or move it out of the way and don't you dare scoff or sneer at me when I do it, you're lucky I didn't shove it into you.  You don't leave your car in the middle of the road when you park, so why leave a cart in the middle of grocery traffic.

Bringing your children to the grocery store.  Ok, I get that sometimes you don't have a choice and you can't leave the kids in the car for an hour while you get your shopping done...but I do want you to know that the moment you walk in there with kids...everyone already hates you.  Kids should not be in grocery stores, and they don't want to be there either.  They are not your little helpers, they are my little nuisances.  They are loud, annoying, get in the way, make a mess, scream way too often and God help you if you're one of those parents who lets their kids run around in the store...I will impale those children on a baguette and laugh as I stuff them into the panini maker.  Every time I hear 'Mom, can I have....' I turn around and say 'No, dear child, you cannot have what you want because life isn't fair and there is no Santa Claus.'

Asking the clerk for every ingredient and food preparatory question about the product.  This is always the worst at deli counters...it's meat or meat-like substances....if you want specialty, go to the specialty butcher and get your fat ass out of the way, you're blocking the ham.  You can ask a question of two such as 'is that pepper' or maybe 'does that have dairy in it?'...any more than two questions and I'm taking your little numbered ticket...get out of the line-up and do your research at home before bothering the rest of us.    If these people were nutritionists, I don't think they would be working the 7am, shift at No Frills...trust me, I worked there.

Getting in the express aisle with more than the prescribed amount of maximum items.  There really isn't even a need to explain this other than you are the scum of the earth if you do this and every person in the entire store should get to throw a gourd of their choice at you.  

Putting your groceries down behind mine before I have put down the plastic barrier stick.  What kid of animal does this!?  Those plastic barrier sticks are all that keep your disgusting soy quasi-food from touching my delicious fruit basket!  That stick is law, don't you cross it!  You wait your turn or else we may as well abandon all civilised society and live in anarchy when people can put their shopping items down wherever and whenever they please...may God have mercy on us all.

Asking for a price check.  This never goes well.  It always involves the cashier paging some pimply faced 16 year old boy, to come look at whatever product it is and then he takes 15 minutes to figure out what aisle it's even in.  Unless it is a dire ingredient that you will perish without...either pay for it or leave it...or I'm stuffing it up your nostril.

Groceries are not free, get your money out before the cashier tells you the exact total.  Chances are you're paying by credit or debit anyway, so you won't have to count pennies for exact change anymore...we don't even have pennies!  Get your wallet, purse, fannypack or hidden boob-pouch out in anticipation of having to pay for your purchase, do not make me stand around and wait while you check every pocket, fold, nook and cranny for something you knew you would need before you walked into the store.  What did you think would happen, they clerk would just say 'oh don't worry about it, this one's free'??

Buying one of the specialty veggies or fruits and not knowing what it is.  The cashier is not a doctoral student of fungi...he/she may not be able to recognise every single one of the 100 mushrooms they sell in stores these days, so help them out by telling them which type you are buying.  If you don't know what it is,..why are you buying it!?

So next time you bravely face one of these temples of unholy doom, pay close attention that you are not swallowed by the evil within.

Wednesday, 2 July 2014

Shit I shouldn't have to explain

There are some things in life that are just so glaringly obvious that you would assume that any troglodyte with half a brain cell would be able to figure it out. So, why do I see people doing these things on a nearly daily basis? These are not difficult concepts to grasp, most of them are along the same lines of common sense as "don't lick the sharp edge of the knife" and "getting hit by a speeding bus doesn't tickle".  Yet, at least once a day, especially on my work commute, I observe at least one of these occurrences, and it is at times such as those that I wish that Darwin's theory of evolution hurrids up.

Here are some instances of things I just don't think should need to be explained:

When someone's wearing headphones, don't try to talk to them.  Not only are they unable to physically hear you, 99.9% of the time, they put them on specifically so that you won't speak to them- earphones are the international symbol of "leave me the hell alone"

Don't drive into the middle of an intersection. You know you won't make it through, you're just being a dick. How much further have you gotten than if you'd waited and not ruined other peoples' drives? 5 feet? 

Tipping badly will get you shitty service next time. I cannot believe the number of people I've been at a restaurant with who count the tip to the dime and think 10% is the height of generosity. Ok, be a cheapskate...but you don't get to complain when, the next time you're there, the waitstaff don't rush to serve you and your food maybe tastes a little funny. 

Rain and snow makes the roads bad. Hi, welcome to Canada! It snows here, and it rains too. Learn to drive in it!! It's not like it only happens once every ten years, how do so many people forget the basics of road safety every single time?! Slow down but don't crawl, don't tailgate, and, if you're scared, don't drive at all.

Crazy people are crazy, don't get into it with them. I live downtown, there are a lot of mentally ill people around at all times; most of them are harmless people, some, however, start arguments and harass people. When this happens, walk away and remove yourself from the situation. Why do people start fighting with the crazy people? Then you look just as crazy! The man yelling at you thinks he just saw Jesus talking to Colonel Sanders- I don't think he's going to accept your logical reasoning of why he should get a job or that you'll hit him. Crazy be crazy, just walk away.

First come first serve. I got here first, so if you step in front of me, I will snatch your ass back to where it belongs by the roots of your hair. You aren't special, I wasn't saving a spot for you. If someone arrives before you, they go first. I don't care if it's the subway, the coffee line or the last train out of town- get in line.

Socks with sandals. No...just..no. The socks and sandals jokes have been around for enough years now that if you don't know that it's classified as a crime against humanity and violates everything that is holy and decent, then you're obviously too oblivious to be allowed to live on this planet. Leave. Go to Mars...make sure to pack all the socks and sandals you want.  Don't even get me started on those toe-shoes either...worse than hell for those people.



Monday, 28 April 2014

Why you won't be invited to my wedding


Look, I'm sorry, but you aren't coming to my wedding.  It's nothing personal. 

I’m not currently planning my wedding…heck, I’m not even engaged or planning to be very soon…but you’re still not invited.

Because I never plan to have one.

I don’t refuse to get married, but I can imagine very few things I’d enjoy less than having a wedding.

I’m sorry to my friends who have had weddings, who are planning theirs or who want to have one… it’s not that I think you’re ‘wrong’ or dislike your weddings…it would just be torture for me to have to go through it myself…and as a 30 year old unmarried woman, I do get asked when I’m going to get married and what kind of wedding I want.  My standard answer is either “I’m not allowed to get married, it’s against my parole” or “My perfect wedding is one where you aren’t invited”. 

Last week, it was published in one of the Canadian papers that the average Ontario couple will spend roughly $15,000 on their weddings, that amount nearly doubles in Saskatchewan and Manitoba.  That doesn’t just seem outlandish to me, it seems hilariously unnecessary and I would feel selfish, arrogant, etc.  I definitely don’t have $15,000 (or more) lying around, but if I did, I would rather spend it trying to buy a knock-off arc reactor than on a dress I will only wear once, a bunch of flowers that will be dead by dawn, a party nobody really wants to go to and a day when I invite all of my friends and family to lavish attention on me.  There is an episode of Sex in the City where Carrie (then engaged to Aiden), tries on a wedding dress as a laugh but has a huge panic attack and freaks right out…that’s kind of similar to how I would be if someone told me I had to plan my own wedding. 

My plan on how I want to get married?  I can think of nothing more romantic than eloping in another city…just the two of us…not a single other person we know for miles.  Grabbing two complete strangers to be the witnesses and going to that city’s city hall to sign the papers.  Perfect.  Seems boring and unromantic, no?  Not to me.  So many women I know and hear about, especially in their 20’s, are desperate to get married and have a big wedding, because that’s what society says you’re supposed to do.  They always seem so much more focused on the wedding than the marriage and on the self-congratulatory ego stroke of accomplishing something other people told them they want.  Traditionally, as I’ve heard priests espouse about in previous wedding ceremonies, the friends and family are invited to witness the wedding because they are asked to promise to help the newlywed couple in their marriage…..what a crock of shit.  Anyone who is married….did you honestly create your guest list based on who you thought would be the most likely to come together as a community and help save your marriage when times get tough?  To me, it’s not about the community coming together, because I don’t think it should be about anybody or anything else except the two people getting married.  That is precisely why I do not want anybody there- the marriage is a commitment between two people, it will be the two of you on your own from now on…so I want to start it off that way.  I want to look my dear husband-to-be in the eye, just the two of us…and start our new life together…together.  Doing it another city because I enjoy the symbolism of starting off in strange new territory, not to mention that Toronto City Hall is just a dump and I don’t want Rob Ford nearby if we’re unfortunate to have him around past this fall’s election. 

I find the most romance in simplicity…which would explain some of my exes.  I want to wake up in a hotel room together…put on a nice but simple dress, walk down together to the local city hall…ask some people in the building if we could buy them a coffee in exchange for a moment of their time…and then walk out…newly wed…already on a honeymoon…together and on our own. 

So, I’m sorry…but your invitation is not in the mail….and it never will be.  If you want to party with us afterwards, sure…no problem…meet me at the Dodger for a pint.

Noooooope!

Liz Lemon wrote a book about deal-breakers... these are my comparative list: things that are automatic turnoffs.  These are things that guys have either done to me, my friends, or I've heard of that have happened to others that cause me to simply think 'nooooope!'...

- When he talks about his ex on a date, especially a first date
- When he goes on a little bit too long about his mother
- Wearing beat up old shoes on a first date
- If he wears a big gold chain or more than one necklace
- If his car makes more noise than his stereo
- If his pants are either between his knees or tighter than my yoga pants....hell no.
- He is attached at the hip to his one deadbeat buddy
- When he eats like the Sarlaac
- He doesn't like your friends or discourages you from seeing them
- He spends more time getting ready to go out than 90% of women you know
- He drops the L word in less than 3 dates (love...not lesbian...that one's fine after 2 dates).
- The guys who don't' believe in giving a girl flowers
- He spends a lot of time talking up how (insert nationality) he is, but he doesn't speak the language and has never even been there.
- He can't do his own laundry
- Doesn't reply to texts...this applies to females also...people who don't respond need to be beaten
- He posts all over Facebook all the time about how much he loves you...because that's creepy and has the earmarks of a serial killer.
- He puts down his ex/exes a lot
- When every man on Church St knows his name....this may be a hint.
- He can name you every strip club in the city
- His idea of taking you out is going to Tim Hortons...this has happened to me more than once.
- He offers to pray for you.....run away
- Wearing so much cologne that I smell you before I see you
- He tells you that 'it's ok' that you 'aren't as hot' as his ex
- If he asks you to invest in his business within the first 1-3 dates
- He freaks out about commitment after 2 dates

There will most likely be more to follow as I seem to hear about more and more of these every time I talk to any other woman and as my past horrible dates come back to mind despite many years of therapy trying to forget them all.

What are your nooooope moments?


Wednesday, 26 February 2014

MORE People who need to go away

People who don't dress for the weather...then complain about the weather
People who brush their teeth in the work washroom
Anyone who writes an email whose message is really bitchy, but then ends it with a smiley face
Madonna
Anyone who doesn't like Big Bang Theory
Exes who just won't go away
Skinny bitches
Whoever is in charge of casting the Batman Vs. Superman movie
Glenn Healy
George RR Martin...because I'm mad he won't hurry the hell up
People who do not agree that Mario Kart was the best video game ever
Conspiracy theorists
Russell Brand
People who cannot admit when they are wrong
Those horrible people who respond to long text messages with 'K'
Mother Nature...because this winter is unforgivable
Those corporate bastards who get good tickets to Leafs' games and then don't watch the damn game!
Twilight and all of it's fans
People who tweet where they are...nobody cares.
Shia LeBoeuf
Name droppers
Tim Hortons' Roll Up The Rim...because I went 0/8 last time
Women over 30 who can't accept that they should probably dress like an adult
People who shuffle/drag their feet when they walk
The entire month of January...it's not a person, but it needs to go away.

Coldplay
The president of Uganda
The state of Arizona
George Zimmerman
Anyone who sits beside me on the bus or subway....grrrr
Lululemon...for never having sales.





Tuesday, 11 February 2014

Women Aren't Funny

It's the same thing we've always heard, 'women just aren't funny.'

Why not?

During my adolescence, I was...let's just say...more awkward than a republican at a rap concert.  I was taller than all the boys, overweight, massively insecure and desperate for people to like me.  Not so surprisingly, I didn't have tons of friends in my middle school years.  It wasn't until, hanging out with two girls that I knew only casually, that I found what worked for me...one of them, laughing at a joke I'd told (which I'd stolen from my dad), said 'You're funny! We need you around more!'  Bingo.  If I couldn't be pretty, if I couldn't be athletic, if I couldn't be popular or cool...I could be funny.  

As I grew up I tried honing my craft, forming my own niche of comedy; a mixture of eye-rolling puns and incessant and often cruel self-deprecation and the the laughs started to come in.  I looked up to stand-up comedians and comedy actors as my role models, envying the attention they got and how people thought they were just so cool and how everyone wished that they could hang out with those people...and I wanted to be 'that person.'

Many times I've heard the phrase 'You should do stand up' or 'You need your own show' and I thought maybe I would give it a try some day...but yet, there was always a voice in the crowd that persisted with 'women aren't funny.'

It eventually dawned on me that 95% of the comedians I'd grown up idolizing were men...that funny women were 'alright', but there were very few that really made me laugh out loud.  Even many of the classic funny women worked with a straight man in their comedy to even out the dynamic (Gracie Allen, Lucille Ball, Joan Rivers on Carson etc.) Truly funny (solo) female standup comedians proved such a rare breed that maybe what I had always aspired to isn't possible, maybe women lack the ability to truly be funny.  

No, because women ARE funny, women are hilarious...there are just...some added...issues.

To find a person funny and share a laugh with someone requires a certain level of understanding with that person; you need to be able to identify what level they are on and establish a report.  For example, is the comedian an average guy like you, is it a person putting on a shtick as though they are poor and stupid, making you their 'better' in the scenario, or are they perhaps the 'I think I'm better than you' type?  This report establishes the basis for the comedy, ground level; it sets up the type of humour, what you can/cannot laugh at, what you're going to relate to, what the subject matter is going to be etc.  Here's where the problem starts for women.  No matter which of these humour types or personae taken on by a woman, the main trait that will always take precedence is still 'woman', which hinders the ability to establish that base connection necessary for comedy  because you aren't focused on the type of connection, you're focused on the fact that it's a female first and foremost. 
We live in a society with a lot of preconceived notions as to what it is to be a 'woman' and are constantly presented with images and media that reinforce these ideas.  Have you ever notices that Old Spice has fun, clever commercials for men with their horseback riding, puppy holding super man, but that no fun commercials exist that are geared for women?  The media presents to us that being a woman means being 'feminine, pretty, intelligent, busy, strong, blah blah blah'  When is the last time you saw a woman in a commercial in sweatpants, eating nachos and doing something stupid?  Women in the media are just not allowed to be average, lazy, dumb or frankly, real.  I believe that this occurs for two main reasons; firstly, that these companies need women to keep hating themselves and aspiring to be 'better' so that they will buy their products to try to live up to the goal of 'super woman' they've created;  if we accept that we just can sit in our underwear and each junk food, we won't buy as much of their crap.  The second is that it's become socially unacceptable to make fun of women, even if it's lightheartedly.  This is largely women's own fault (don't jump down my throat women's libbers).  Women had to fight hard for everything we have gained in society given that we couldn't even vote at the turn of the 1900's.  The hard fight included fighting against a lot of jokes that were mean in spirit against women, degradation and humiliation as well.  Unfortunately, in the aftermath of this fight, it has come to the point where it's not ok to make fun of women, of their issues, of their struggles or of what makes them both unique and similar to men without the 'sexism' issue being raised by someone.  So, until the sexism police learn to calm their tits a bit and accept that if it's ok to laugh at men's foibles, then it's ok to laugh at women's...then that wall of awkwardness will continue to persist.  If you think it's untrue, look at any man in the room when a woman cracks a joke about anything 'risqué' or just about being a woman...he will only laugh after scanning the audience and making sure it's ok to do so.

Female stand up comedians also did themselves no favours when the genre started to take off  in the 80's by making almost all female standup comedy about being a female.  Great, nothing quite like alienating half the possible audience right off the bat.  The most successful male comedians don't spend their whole acts talking about what it's like having a penis and the hardships of men...but yet so many female comedians focused their comedy on being a woman, life as a woman, how women are different etc.  Yes, this was a time when such topics were important in society and it was great for women to get their issues out there...but don't come crying to the media when guys aren't busting a gut laughing at comedy that in no way speaks to them.  When I think of my favourite male comedians, their routines that stand out in my mind have to do with family, life, work, kids, every day annoyances...things that any person on the street can relate to.  When focusing their routines on life 'as a woman' instead of just life, female comedians failed to establish that basic connection with the men in the audience.  

There is also one factor that I cannot fail to mention that most women will agree with and most men disagree with, which is that many men are intimidated by a funny woman.  Being funny requires a certain level of intelligence, no matter the type of humour; it takes timing, observation, situational awareness, a sharp wit and a knowledge of subject matter and language.  Any person who can be 'on' consistently enough to be considered 'funny', especially to such an extent as to do so professionally, is definitely intelligent in some way (unless you are Kevin James in which you are just loud and enjoy falling down a lot).  While society develops and women continue to achieve higher equality, men are becoming less intimidated by strong, smart women; but, there are still those who are lagging behind on the evolutionary scale and don't like the idea that they're not as smart, quick witted, charming or funny as a woman.  I suggest that these people to join the twenty-first century and grow a pair.

My last point as to why it may be said that women are not funny is simply that men and women do have some obvious differences in what they find funny.  There is a reason that most women cannot sit through an afternoon of reruns of the Three Stooges...we just do not find them funny!  Gross out comedy like Jackass and fart jokes (or anything with Kevin James) just doesn't appeal to women.  I can't even fully justify why this is, it's just not funny to us, maybe some of it is a woman's nurturing instinct...when we see someone fall down, we want to help, not laugh and when someone craps their pants, it's usually us who has to clean it up.

I think women are funny.  I think women are getting funnier and funnier.  I wish I was as funny (as sexy) as Tina Fey.  I do, however, think there are still barriers we need to break down to really be funny as a gender, and I think we will get there.  Women standup comedians weren't even really featured on television until the mid 1980's, decades after the first men, so we have a some catching up to do.  So, to people like Adam Carolla who think women can't be funny, I invite them all to sit down, relax and to enjoy the show.