People who need to be my friends

I have many lists of people who need to go away, but I haven't yet created a list of people in the world whom I have largely not met, but I think we should be friends.  Some of these people make me laugh, some I find fascinating and others are just really cool and I need to learn their ways.  If you don't recognize the name, I highly suggest looking them up.

In no particular order....

Robert Downey Jr (needs to be my husband, not just friends)
Tom Hiddleston (also husband preferable)
Jennifer Lawrence
Neil DeGrasse Tyson
The Fat Jewish (that's his Instagram name, I'm not Mel Gibson-ing)
Stephen Fry
George Takei
The Rock
Dara O'Briain
Ed Byrne
Frankie Boyle
Ellen Degeneres
David Mitchell
Tina Fey
NPH
Joss Whedon
Matt Groening
Professor Farnsworth....he's a cartoon but we can still be friends!!!
Amy Schumer
Will Ferrell
Peter Dinklage
Ricky Gervais
Jon Stewart
Whoever invented the adult onesie
The writers of Cyanide & Happiness
John Cleese
Benedict Cumberbatch
Noel Fielding

Ok, so....if you have any contacts with these future besties of mine, please let me know...so we can let our friendships blossom.

Good Advice

"Don't Touch -Willie"....good advice!

Everyone always has advice to give on everything; friends, family, magazines, tv shows, complete strangers etc.  The problem is that we're usually offered so much of it that it's hard to know what to listen to.  The obvious person you should be listening to is me...I am amazing.

I've been given a ton of advice about everything in life, some I'm very glad I've listen to, some I wish I hadn't and some I'm really glad I didn't.  To the friend who advised me at age 24 that I should have a baby because it was fun...ya...you maybe should refrain from sharing your advice. To the person who advised me that lending money to a deadbeat ex-bf was a bad idea...wish I'd listened to you.

These days I take most of my advice from Liz Lemon "Put potato chips on a sandwich", but I felt it prudent to share some nuggets of wisdom I've received or learned over the years from various sources...what I would consider to be amongst the best advice I can give.

1.  Live Alone.  Not forever...but do it at some point in your life.  I lived with two boyfriends after moving out of my parents house. I technically had my own place briefly but I spent almost no time alone there.  Living alone teaches you how to become a more complete person, how to solve your own problems, how to live with yourself and be independent.

2.  Watch how someone treats service people.  If they are rude to the waitress or the cashier, what does that tell you about someone?  It shows a lack of respect for people and shows selfishness.  I had an ex who used to be foul to waitresses and it embarrassed me...it wasn't long before he began to treat me the same way.

3. Comfortable shoes are never unfashionable.  Seriously, having sore feet can ruin any day or occasion.  Always have comfy shoes on hand because there is nothing sexy about high heels when you're walking like you just had the world's largest enema.

4. Wait 24 hours before sending an angry message.  We all say things in the heat of the moment that we wish we could take back...so why risk it?

5. Never go to bed angry.  This can be so hard because sometimes you're just so angry or so upset, but it's worth it.  Waking up still angry will put a damper on your entire day, you're letting the negativity consume you and eat at you and the resentment only builds.  Just deal with it now...trust me.

6. Wait to get married.  Why are people in their 20's in such a rush to get married?  I watched so many friends marry the wrong person just because they HAD to get married or else they thought their world would end.  If you love them and want to be together, then that's what matters...make sure you know.  Otherwise, maybe you're just doing this for the wedding and not for the marriage.

7.  Don't lend money to people you know.  This never ends well.  If it's for life-saving surgery, ok, fine, but otherwise, do not risk it.  One person will end up getting screwed somehow, even if you pay them back immediately...it will haunt you both.

8.  Drink more water.  There is no downside to this...just do it. It helps your digestion, your skin, your appetite control, your blood sugar, your weight...and it's the best habit you'll start.

9. Send me money.  How did this get in the list? Silly me....but seriously, do it.

10. Have a hobby...like me...I write blog posts nobody reads or cares about...but I do it because I enjoy it as an outlet.  It keeps me from venting at strangers on the street again.

Now my advice is to stop dicking around on the internet and do something productive...like watching Netflix.

These are a few of my LEAST favourite things

I often think of things that annoy me but they don't quite have enough meat in them to sustain their own rant, so I am compiling them into this list of little shitty moments.  For most of them, one of these isn't enough to ruin your entire day, but pick any 3 and have them all occur within a 24-hour period, and that day is a write-off.

- Not being able to wear the outfit you'd mentally prepared to wear
- Making tea/coffee and discovering that there's no milk
- Getting to the street corner when the counter is a '3'...because you're a dick if you start crossing but it's still an extra 3 seconds you have to stand at what is technically a green light and feel dumb.
- Taking a sip of your tea and it's ice cold
- Not having hot water
- Someone not saying 'thank you'
- Tripping in public
- Replying immediately to a text you've received only to not get a response...what did you do, text me then throw the phone out of the window?
- Meeting up with someone who is more than 15 minutes late and they didn't bother to text or call
- Stepping in a puddle and it soaks your sock
- Socks in general...f**k socks
- Your team losing....trust me, I'm a Leafs fan, I know this feeling better than most
- Realizing it's not pay week until next week.
- Being on hold
- When the item you want is finally on sale but they don't have your size
- Getting stuck behind someone who is making a return or has to hassle the cashier
- People who argue for the sake of argument...go deal with your anger issues on your own time
- Teenagers...all of them...always
- Getting stuck behind people who walk abysmally slow and not being able to get around them
- Someone who doesn't hold the door open for you
- When they don't have any good soup at your favourite lunch spot...this happened to me yesterday and I'm still bitter.
- Getting to work and realizing that the look you thought was 'hot' at home in the mirror looks ridiculous
- Lipstick on your teeth
- Fat days, bad hair days, cramp days
- Going the whole week without winning F**K ALL in Roll Up the Rim
- Getting a bitchy voicemail first thing in the morning
- Being happy that 'at least it's Thursday' only to realize it's Wednesday
- Leaving a store with a bag of stuff you bought having forgotten to buy the thing you originally went in for.
- Breaking a nail...don't pretend like it doesn't suck
- Your boss dropping by unexpectedly...it throws you off.
- Your computer freezing
- Forgetting your password for something
- Having a headache
- Having to pretend you enjoy your friend's bullsh*t inspirational quotes they always post
- Hearing that an actor or singer you like has died
- Getting into an argument via text...because those last ages
- Not knowing what you want for dinner...it's just frustration you eat
- Hearing someone misquote your favourite book or movie
- Getting blamed for something that wasn't your fault
- Going to every store in the mall and still not finding anything you like
- When the fast food place gets your order wrong
- Delays on the TTC
- Looking down and seeing a stain in your shirt or a run in your pantyhose
- When your cashier is rude for no reason
- Forgetting your headphones
- Rain when you weren't expecting it
- Your colleague being off sick
- Waking up with less than 5 minutes before your alarm goes off
- Getting a reminder call for an appointment tomorrow you totally forgot about
- Getting to the stop or station just to see your bus/train pulling away
- Calling for any kind of appointment and them not having anything available
- Explaining something 17 times and the other person still doesn't get it
- When your phone rings just as you get up to go to the washroom (although most men I know would just bring their phone in with them...cause they're gross)
- Having to go somewhere when you only have 20% battery life left on your phone


Hm, kinda got a bit long winded...but many things bother me.  So,..how's your day?

Sins of the Grocery Store

Most of us are aware of the 7 deadly sins from the Bible, however we also all know that there are much more abhorrent sins that were somehow left off that crucial list.  There is a place in which many crimes against humanity occur and the moment I mention it, you will all agree....it is the grocery store.  The grocery store, such a harmless seeming place, provider of such basics and essentials of life, yet a place so steeped in evil, a place of so many unspeakably hideous misdeeds against fellow humans and nature itself that it could easily be classified as its own circle of infernal damnation.  If you think I'm exaggerating, just think of the last time that you were standing in a line at the local grocery store and the old woman at the front of the line pulled out her little change purse...I bet you felt the same dragon fire fuelled anger that we all have when we see Satan's little coin purse emerging from the flowery oversized handbag.

Here a list of just a few of the common sins committed in the aisles of your local food emporium:


Leaving your cart out in the middle of the aisle.  Seriously, most grocery store aisles are only big enough for two carts passing each other if both are paying attention- so leaving your cart out in the middle of the aisle while you try to climb a shelf for that last box of $0.49 spam is not helping.  I will ram your cart and/or move it out of the way and don't you dare scoff or sneer at me when I do it, you're lucky I didn't shove it into you.  You don't leave your car in the middle of the road when you park, so why leave a cart in the middle of grocery traffic.

Bringing your children to the grocery store.  Ok, I get that sometimes you don't have a choice and you can't leave the kids in the car for an hour while you get your shopping done...but I do want you to know that the moment you walk in there with kids...everyone already hates you.  Kids should not be in grocery stores, and they don't want to be there either.  They are not your little helpers, they are my little nuisances.  They are loud, annoying, get in the way, make a mess, scream way too often and God help you if you're one of those parents who lets their kids run around in the store...I will impale those children on a baguette and laugh as I stuff them into the panini maker.  Every time I hear 'Mom, can I have....' I turn around and say 'No, dear child, you cannot have what you want because life isn't fair and there is no Santa Claus.'

Asking the clerk for every ingredient and food preparatory question about the product.  This is always the worst at deli counters...it's meat or meat-like substances....if you want specialty, go to the specialty butcher and get your fat ass out of the way, you're blocking the ham.  You can ask a question of two such as 'is that pepper' or maybe 'does that have dairy in it?'...any more than two questions and I'm taking your little numbered ticket...get out of the line-up and do your research at home before bothering the rest of us.    If these people were nutritionists, I don't think they would be working the 7am, shift at No Frills...trust me, I worked there.

Getting in the express aisle with more than the prescribed amount of maximum items.  There really isn't even a need to explain this other than you are the scum of the earth if you do this and every person in the entire store should get to throw a gourd of their choice at you.  

Putting your groceries down behind mine before I have put down the plastic barrier stick.  What kid of animal does this!?  Those plastic barrier sticks are all that keep your disgusting soy quasi-food from touching my delicious fruit basket!  That stick is law, don't you cross it!  You wait your turn or else we may as well abandon all civilised society and live in anarchy when people can put their shopping items down wherever and whenever they please...may God have mercy on us all.

Asking for a price check.  This never goes well.  It always involves the cashier paging some pimply faced 16 year old boy, to come look at whatever product it is and then he takes 15 minutes to figure out what aisle it's even in.  Unless it is a dire ingredient that you will perish without...either pay for it or leave it...or I'm stuffing it up your nostril.

Groceries are not free, get your money out before the cashier tells you the exact total.  Chances are you're paying by credit or debit anyway, so you won't have to count pennies for exact change anymore...we don't even have pennies!  Get your wallet, purse, fannypack or hidden boob-pouch out in anticipation of having to pay for your purchase, do not make me stand around and wait while you check every pocket, fold, nook and cranny for something you knew you would need before you walked into the store.  What did you think would happen, they clerk would just say 'oh don't worry about it, this one's free'??

Buying one of the specialty veggies or fruits and not knowing what it is.  The cashier is not a doctoral student of fungi...he/she may not be able to recognise every single one of the 100 mushrooms they sell in stores these days, so help them out by telling them which type you are buying.  If you don't know what it is,..why are you buying it!?

So next time you bravely face one of these temples of unholy doom, pay close attention that you are not swallowed by the evil within.

Shit I shouldn't have to explain

There are some things in life that are just so glaringly obvious that you would assume that any troglodyte with half a brain cell would be able to figure it out. So, why do I see people doing these things on a nearly daily basis? These are not difficult concepts to grasp, most of them are along the same lines of common sense as "don't lick the sharp edge of the knife" and "getting hit by a speeding bus doesn't tickle".  Yet, at least once a day, especially on my work commute, I observe at least one of these occurrences, and it is at times such as those that I wish that Darwin's theory of evolution hurrids up.

Here are some instances of things I just don't think should need to be explained:

When someone's wearing headphones, don't try to talk to them.  Not only are they unable to physically hear you, 99.9% of the time, they put them on specifically so that you won't speak to them- earphones are the international symbol of "leave me the hell alone"

Don't drive into the middle of an intersection. You know you won't make it through, you're just being a dick. How much further have you gotten than if you'd waited and not ruined other peoples' drives? 5 feet? 

Tipping badly will get you shitty service next time. I cannot believe the number of people I've been at a restaurant with who count the tip to the dime and think 10% is the height of generosity. Ok, be a cheapskate...but you don't get to complain when, the next time you're there, the waitstaff don't rush to serve you and your food maybe tastes a little funny. 

Rain and snow makes the roads bad. Hi, welcome to Canada! It snows here, and it rains too. Learn to drive in it!! It's not like it only happens once every ten years, how do so many people forget the basics of road safety every single time?! Slow down but don't crawl, don't tailgate, and, if you're scared, don't drive at all.

Crazy people are crazy, don't get into it with them. I live downtown, there are a lot of mentally ill people around at all times; most of them are harmless people, some, however, start arguments and harass people. When this happens, walk away and remove yourself from the situation. Why do people start fighting with the crazy people? Then you look just as crazy! The man yelling at you thinks he just saw Jesus talking to Colonel Sanders- I don't think he's going to accept your logical reasoning of why he should get a job or that you'll hit him. Crazy be crazy, just walk away.

First come first serve. I got here first, so if you step in front of me, I will snatch your ass back to where it belongs by the roots of your hair. You aren't special, I wasn't saving a spot for you. If someone arrives before you, they go first. I don't care if it's the subway, the coffee line or the last train out of town- get in line.

Socks with sandals. No...just..no. The socks and sandals jokes have been around for enough years now that if you don't know that it's classified as a crime against humanity and violates everything that is holy and decent, then you're obviously too oblivious to be allowed to live on this planet. Leave. Go to Mars...make sure to pack all the socks and sandals you want.  Don't even get me started on those toe-shoes either...worse than hell for those people.

29 Signs you might be a douchebag

Do douchebags know that they're douchebags?  It causes me pain to think that people cannot tell the difference between cool and douchy when it's staring them in the face wearing douchebag Raybans.  I have listed some signs you may want to reflect upon and ask yourself if you are indeed, a douchebag...this applies to women too.

Signs you may be a douchebag:

- You pop your collar
- You genuinely use the word 'bro'
- You have ever played a guitar with your shirt off
- You wear a wool hat when it's 25 degrees out
- You tell every single person you meet that you're into vegan and/or gluten-free
- You wear sunglasses indoors
- You only drink Starbucks coffee
- You wear hipster sneakers but they're still in mint condition
- You drink to get drunk
- Your only topic of conversation is you.
- You're loud in public to try to seem like you're 'wild' and having fun
- You park in a handicapped space without needing it
- When hanging out with people, you spend the whole time on your phone
- You constantly cancel and flake on plans, especially at the last minute
- You're always into new 'cleanses'
- You post 'inspirational' crap online
- You post general 'I'm so thankful' or 'You are Awesome' on Facebook
- You don't BYOB
- You sign the card but didn't contribute for the gift
- You always have an excuse
- You can't laugh at yourself
- You act 'too cool' for anything and everything
- You didn't spray your cologne/perfume on so as much as you marinated in it
- You make everyone else change their plans to accommodate you
- You don't like animals
- You post online about your workouts
- You wear more gold jewelery than the Pharaohs of old
- Your car is almost as loud as the horrible music you're playing out of it
- You think being a 'nice guy' is lame

Ok, this is all I can think of for now...feel free to add your own...so many douchebags..so little time...so little Nerf bats to beat them with. 

How Rude!

It has taken me a few days to think about what my next topic would be- everything I want to rant about is work related, but I'm not one of those people who is stupid enough to talk about work over the internet...especially not since I work for an internet provider...I would be eligible for a Darwin Award for sheer lack of brain activity at that point.

While some silly things are bothering me even at this moment...like how uncomfortable this desk is (damn you Ikea), how I really don't understand this 'vent' on my can of Coors Light or how my cat will not allow me to use her as a foot stool (after all the tummy rubs..no respect)...but I seem to be thinking a lot this week as to the number of rude people I've come into contact with recently, especially since the end of summer.  Perhaps the unofficial end to a lackluster summer has put people into a grumpy mood, maybe it's just the sheer growing numbers of people in the GTA I come into contact with on any given day....or perhaps...just maybe, some people are just jerks. (insert "Stop that Mr. Simpson" quote)

Yesterday on the subway, on my way home there was a couple getting on at the same stop as me, as well as many others since it was the first stop on the line.  The couple was obviously not from the area since they had a map and seemed rather unsure as to where they were going, but they seemed pleasant enough, they certainly weren't bothering anybody.  The subway car was moderately full, there were still a few groups of seats open, so, naturally, they headed to sit in the open two-seater closest to them.  At that moment when the woman was just turning into the seat, a teenage girl swooped in and took the seat out from under her...then threw her arms out over the second seat so that her giggling friend could catch up and join her.  The girls proceeded to giggle while actively avoiding eye contact with the couple they had just inconvenienced for no reason, thinking they were funny and slick.  The couple was a bit taken aback by the blatant rudeness of what the girl had done, but they quietly went to find another spot.  The teen girls spent the rest of the ride talking and giggling obnoxiously loudly, flashing their name-brand purses and jewelry that daddy obviously bought and discussing how stupid other girls they both knew are.

These girls were physically quite attractive, amazing skin, nicely dressed, hair done, etc.  I, however, found them to be the ugliest people on the subway.  

A message to people in general is that it does not matter how hot you are, how toned or ripped your body is, how nice your clothes are, how smooth you think you are...rudeness makes you ugly.

The lady who shoves everyone out of her way in the mornings to get on my bus, ugly.  The guy who told the cashier that she was an idiot because the machine broke that she wasn't even using, ugly.  The Calvin Klein model-like guy on the subway who took up 3 seats with his gym bag and didn't move them for an older gentleman...UGLY!

Think about how you would feel if you were out somewhere on a date or with your girlfriend/boyfriend, and for no real reason, they started being quite rude to the waitstaff.  Perhaps they are complaining about the meal loudly, telling the staff off, the sort of 'omg don't say that' things that happen.  Now, how would you feel about them during and after?  If you're like me, that person just became instantly unattractive.  My mother gave me a lot of good advice over the years (like how to freak out telemarketers, thanks mom) but one of the best pieces of advice she gave me was to always notice how someone treats service people (waiters, cashiers, customer service, etc).  If they are rude to others, they will be rude to you.

It doesn't take much to not be rude...common sense and some humanity will generally serve you quite well.  I would love to know what goes on in the minds of these self-righteous, over-entitled jackasses who think the world owes them something...because if your mommy didn't love you or you secretly hate yourself...that's your own problem, except that now, everyone else hates you too.

Now, not to be rude...but I'm excusing myself to go finish this beer with or without this stupid 'vented can' feature....seriously, how is this supposed to work??...sigh.