Words You Are Using Incorrectly

I've previously attempted to assist with the common grammatical crimes of your/you're and their/they're/there; so today I will focus on some other offenses oft committed but perhaps overlooked.

Words you are using wrong:

Selfie.  This is really only used incorrectly by people over the age of 50.  These people seem to think that a selfie is any photo taken on a mobile device.  A selfie is a photo you take of yourself, it's a self taken photo of one's self....hence selfie.  I cannot tell you how many times I've heard someone say "She got a selfie of him with her phone"....that's not possible- you cannot take a selfie of someone other than yourself.

Literally.  No, you did not literally die when you heard big news.  You are not literally incapable of handling the situation.  If you had done either of these, you'd either be physically dead or mentally insane; which you aren't, you're just a twat who doesn't know what 'literally' means.  What you want is the word 'figurative' if anything.

Awesome.  This means to inspire awe, actual awe; a feeling of such breathtaking a mind wrenching incomprehension and subjugation that you are taken to the brink of sanity by what you are experiencing and are reduced to your most basic animal mental state by the information.  So, is the sandwich you said was awesome really that good?  I doubt it.

Feminist- this is any person who believes that women deserve equal rights, pay, treatment to men.  That's it.  This can refer to a man or a woman who hold his belief.  This does not only refer to butch lesbians, to misandry spewing man-haters, to women who need to get laid, it refers to all people who believe in fighting discrimination based on sex.  We fight against stereotyping other groups such as all right-wingers are hillbilly bible-thumpers, all left-wingers are hippy drug addicts and all Americans are racist etc.  Yes, these extremes exist, but don't let the few bad apples sour the whole bunch.  The word you are looking for instead is 'feminazi'- the extremists of the group who are just the worst.

GIF vs JIF- The short form stands for 'graphic interchange format'. The word 'graphic' has a guttural 'gu' sound, not a hard 'j' or 'ʤ' sound as per phonetics.  The letter 'g' is pronounced differently based on the vowel that proceeds it; if it is followed by an 'i' or and 'e', then it takes on the 'j' or 'ʤ' sound; if it is proceeded by an 'a' and 'o' or a 'u', then it it pronounces as the softened 'gu' sound.  The exception to this is for Germanic words such as 'gift' and 'geese'.  Therefore, a Roman based language would say "Jif" and a Germanic  would pronounce is "Gif" with a soft 'g'.  As English is a combination of both....this means they are both right and both wrong and that there is no right answer.  Stop debating this online, it doesn't matter, look at cat videos like a normal person.


I'm sure one of these days one of my language professors will stumble across my language rants and will immediately have my degree revoked...but until then, keep reading!

More New Words!

I can't say that this is how I imagined I would be putting my language degree to use, but at least it wasn't a total waste (sorry mom and dad).  I will eventually have to recap all of these new word creations of mine and start my own dictionary since those twats at the Oxford won't allow me within 50 meters of their office anymore.  Here are today's words:

Spoontang (Spoon-tang) noun. A guilty pleasure of indulging in food.  Eg: I have some Ben and Jerry's in my freezer waiting for me...I'm gonna get me some spoontang.

Procatstinate (Pro-kat-stinn-ate) verb. To waste time watching cat videos online. Eg. I was supposed to be getting that report done for my boss but I spent the whole day procatstinating watching Simon's Cat on YouTube.

Caffiend- (Ka-feend) noun. A person who is massively addicted to caffeine such a coffee and energy drinks.  Eg. Mike really needs to cut down on the coffee, he's a major caffiend, he's up to 5 a day.

Tadpolling (Tad-pol-ling) verb. Dating someone much too young for you.  Sharon is 39 and is dating a 21 year old guys, I don't know why she's tadpolling instead of looking for someone a bit more mature.

Newest vocabulary submissions to the OED

To date, nobody from the Oxford English dictionary (OED) has contacted me regarding my prior submissions to the dictionary...other than 2 restraining orders and 1 cease-and-desist.  This has not dampened my spirits or crushed the hopes that one day I will make it into the common vernacular, even if those language snobs refuse to acknowledge my advanced linguistic propensity! To put it simply...suck it word dweebs, these words are happening:

Decorbating (deck-orb-bait-ing) verb. To find a bit too much pleasure and obsession in decorating. Eg. "You spend way too much time and money decorbating in Pottery Barn, how many damn mason jars do we need?!"

Cock Blogging (Cok Blawg-ing) verb. To destroy a guy's chances with other women by posting online about his lack of size or performance in the bedroom. Eg. "I thought I was in with that cute new girl but my ex cock blogged me by posting about how bad I am."

Flamentation (flam-men-tay-shun) noun. To overact your regret or sadness over something to make yourself the center of attention. Eg. "Where is crazy aunt Mary?" "She's whaling her flamentations in front of the whole family about how nobody ever calls her."

A Confidence Boobst (boob-st) noun. The slight boost in self-confidence you get when you know you're not looking your best but you catch a guy looking down your top. "I was feeling bloated and having a fat day but when I caught Jim looking, I have to admit, it was a bit of a confidence boobst"

New dictionary entries in 2015

Each year the OED accepts new words and a 'word' of the year is named for being the most popular.  I have a few of my own creations that I would like to submit.

Trifukta (try-fuck-tah)- noun.  To have three major errors or flaws.  Eg. "Rob Ford is racist, sexist and homophobic, he has completed the trifukta of being a horrible human being"  OR "I busted my phone, threw up in the street and ripped my pants, tonight has been a complete trifukta"


Clam Bake (klam bayk)- noun. A gathering a females.  The female equivalent to the "Sausage Fest".  Eg. "There were no guys at the party, it was a total clam bake"


Hypercrastinate (hy-purr-cras-tin-ate), verb. To have a ton of energy but not do anything productive. Eg. "I was bouncing off the walls but couldn't be bothered to go mail that letter down the road, I just sat around hypercrastinating".


Zeeyoncé (zee-yawn-say) noun. An ugly and ghetto girl who thinks she's Queen Bee. "Girl, you tryna be Beyoncé but you so low rent, you more like Zeeyoncé"

Teenagers (part 1)

There is one thing on this planet that all people over the age of 25 hate.  It’s not taxes, it’s not paying rent…it’s something far more annoying, less useful and there is no getting rid of this particular plague.  Teenagers.  The so-called “future” of human society, every generation getting progressively worse until are eventually the death of us all.  The end of the human race will not be in a US-Russian fueled nuclear war or an extinction level asteroid…it will be teenagers.

There was a time when teenagers were considered adults and were getting married and having children at age 13, they were fully active members of society and had already achieved a good chunk of their life expectancy.  Now they are still in school, still living at home, and only the really stupid ones are having children.  While I am for them still being in school and still living at home during their teenage years, I am not against pushing back to the times when they were expected to contribute more to society that shrill laughter in inappropriate places and eye rolling at every word spoken to them.

Get a group of teenagers together and show them pictures of Vladimir Putin, Neil DeGrasse Tyson, Nikola Tesla, and Margaret Thatcher and see how many of them they recognize and know about.  Show them pictures of Justin Bieber, the man-children from One Direction and the cast of Glee and I bet you they won’t miss a single one.  When I was a teenager (let’s not discuss how long ago this may have been), I would also have been able to recognize all of the pop stars and current celebrities, but I can confidently say I would have gotten 3 out of the 4 others who are not quite so ‘pop-culture’, as would many people I went to school with.  There is a level of blame to be placed on the schools as well, I was fortunate enough that I went to a pretty good school; I didn’t know it at the time, but when I compare it to other people who went to other schools in other cities and areas, it did me well.  We were taught things such as world issues and why they were important and how to question things that we read and they actively wanted us to take a personal interest in the issues of the day.  Ask a teenager today who David Cameron is, how many would know?  Why is Russia against US action in Syria?  Do you know where Syria is on a map??  Do you know how to use a non-google map???

School seems wasted on so many students in that they do not appreciate the education while they are getting it.  They see school as an inconvenience and an annoyance that just keeps them from hanging out with their friends.  Yes, social lives are important, but they will never trump a good education, believe me, I regret skipping as much as I did during those years.  The importance that teenagers put on their social lives is completely disproportionate, and if you want proof how unimportant a teenager’s social life is, consider how many people you hung out with then are still in your life now.  How many great biographies have you read that detail the social importance of their high school years (unless they were bad bullying experiences that scarred them)?  None, because they don’t really matter…in the grand scheme of life, a teenager’s social life is as important as a benign mole on your back that you remember every 6 months when you see the doctor but pay no attention to. 

I would also like to point out to teenagers, that when adults say that you look stupid doing things like smoking, drinking and acting like baboons, they are not jealous of your youth, they are not saying that you are cool by rebelling against what adults do…they/we really do mean that you look completely and utterly stupid.  I see groups of teenagers on the subway every day coming home from their days at school, and they are always in obnoxiously loud groups giggling, shouting, yelling etc. even though they are standing 4 inches apart.  I can always see them each looking around the subway car to see if people are looking at them..they adjust their stance so they look cooler, they don’t hold a handrail because they are such pros that they ‘got this’ and they talk about whatever they think will make them sound cool to these perfect strangers who will likely never see them again.  As one of those strangers I will tell you what goes through the head of all of the people you are trying to impress…the thought is not ‘wow, they must be the cool kids, I wish I was still young’…it is ‘good god, shut up already and grow up, you’re so disruptive to everyone around you…now what do I make for dinner?’

A quick note to teens as well…this one just burns my butter…every time you use the words ‘that’s not fair’, someone over the age of 30 gets to smack you with their bank statement…because life is not fair princess.  If you think teachers are mean and unfair, wait until you get a boss you don’t like.  You think homework sucks?  Yes, reading and writing must be such a job while you sit in a house someone else paid for, eating the food they’ve provided you in the clothing you didn’t have to work for.  If it were up to me, Iphones would be banned for anyone under the age of 18, because you should have to learn how to learn before you’re allowed to have a device that tells you everything.

Don’t get me started on teenagers’ music…because we all know how bad it is..but in all fairness, all generations have had some really bad teenage music in their era.

I have a lot more I could say as to why teenagers bother the crap outta me..but as an adult, I don’t have time to list them all right now, I have work to do and bills to pay..so there will be more posts on this subject in the future.  In the meantime, if you see a teenager and they annoy you…know you aren’t alone.