Signs you're getting OLDER

When we were kids, we couldn't wait to grow up.  We wanted to be big kids.  When we were big kids, we wanted to be teenagers.  When we were teenagers, we wanted to be adults.  Now that we're adults, we want to turn time back and be young again.  Where did the time go?  I sometimes still think I'm young, that is, until I hang out with young people.  Then I realize that I am getting older...I may not be ancient, but I'm not the young fresh flower I once was.  There are some very clear signs from the universe that the abacus of your lifespan is notching ever over to one side.

- You are happier when people cancel plans with you than make plans
- You get the same joy from having clean laundry that you once did from new outfits
- Creaky knees
- You hate the music on the radio (unless you listen to oldies stations)
- You get upset at Forever 21 for selling crop tops with Nirvana, Clash and AC/DC on them because the kids today are too young to really appreciate those bands enough to deserve the tshirts.
- You feel weird when standing in Hot Topic
- Bad back!
- You watch the original Jurassic Park movie and agree with the lawyer.
- You remember when Adam Sandler was funny
- The athletes your age are all retiring.
- You'll pay the extra money for good shoes because you can't take the cute shoes that hurt your feet anymore
- You'll also pay extra for direct flights, bigger seats etc. when travelling because your body can't take the stress and discomfort anymore
-Hangovers last for days instead of hours
- The only reason a cute 21 year old guy comes up to you is to ask you directions
- Your parents become the children in the relationship
- You watch a political debate...sober....on purpose
- The big thing you're saving for is new towels
- The night ends at 10pm
- You'd rather hang out with your cat than 95% of the people you know
- You have no idea what Tinder is for
- You care how much fiber is in your diet
- Finding a good tasting low fat cheese can make your day
- More than 2 cups of coffee/tea makes you edgy
- You remember a time when people didn't get offended by absolutely everything
- You're no longer excited when friends get engaged because you know the hassle that will follow
- Mortgage payments
- You finally realize that nobody owes you anything in life
- Kraft Dinner is more a treat and less a nightly necessity
- You remember when The Simpsons was the best show on tv
- There are no high school photos of you on Facebook because cell phone cameras weren't a thing
- You genuinely forget how old you are when asked
- When you look at the 'Must Be Born Before This Date In' year to buy cigarettes...you're shocked at that year.
-McDonald's just doesn't taste as good anymore
-Teenagers are the worst thing on the planet
- Cat videos become far better than music videos


You know what they say...getting old sucks but the alternative is much worse.

Another batch of people who need to go away

In the spirit of the frigid season, I've taken a look back and found that I have discovered more people who simply need to go away.  As I add and add to the list, I can't help but get the feeling that eventually I will have told everyone on Earth to go away, leaving only myself, Robert Downey Jr and Tom Hiddleston....my plan is working.

More people who need to simply go away:

People who stop in the middle of hallways to chat, check their phone or figure out where they're going.
People who have a problem with a black stormtrooper
Anyone...ANYONE who gets offended by Christmas.....I will stab you with the scissors I use to cut Santa Claus wrapping paper
The 2015 PanAm games....nobody cares.
Parents who post incessant photos of their horrendously ugly babies online.
Jian Gomeshi, if he likes non-consensual rough sex, just wait until prison!
Strombo...you know music...but stay the hell away from hockey.
Bill Cosby...Thanks for scarring my childhood, asshole!!!!!!
Giggling freshmen girls.....grrrrrr
Anyone who is in IKEA at the same time as me
Friends who constantly ask for your advise but never take it
The person/machine who picks the lotto numbers...boo-urns!
Anyone or anything that causes me to have to take off my onesie on a weekend morning
People who name their kids weird names...they have to live with that name .
Rich people who don't randomly want to give me money....what's up with that?
My fat cells....seriously.
Teenagers..I've mentioned them before but I really can't stress enough just how much I hate them.
People who call your work phone at 4:58pm
People who only answer text messages when they need something
Anyone who doesn't hold the door for the person behind them...it takes half a second.
Whoever agreed to allow such a huge break between seasons 3 and 4 of Sherlock.
That one friend who never plans ahead and then always expects everyone else to cover their ass
Those friends and family members who became unbearable as soon as they had kids
People who harp on me for not liking sushi...I don't want your disgusting fish and seaweed pieces of satan's taint thank you!
This winter...seriously, warm up dammit!

Things schools should actually teach

If you've ever watched "Are You Smarter Than A Fifth Grader?" then you already have an idea of how much stuff we are forced to learn in school that we never use again.  I honestly cannot tell you that the Pythagorean Theorem has come up much in my daily life, and knowing what year the French Revolution was (1789) has come up maybe once in a game of Trivial Pursuit at best.  If you've ever watched "QI" then you also know that a large amount of what they teach us and what we think is factual...is completely wrong.  Now, I have wrestled with the idea of becoming a teacher since high school when a bunch of people, including some of my own teachers at that time, told me they thought it would be a good career choice for me.  I was never a great student myself, often wondering what the point was in shoving so much trivial information into my brain in time for a test, just to forget it all within a week after the final exam.  Yet, as I entered and continue in adult life, I realize that there was much that I wish they had taken the time to teach me.  So...let's forget memorizing what year the Magna Carta was signed (1066) and close the textbook on crazy Romans (Caligula) and here is a course list I wish I could have been offered:

- How to pay your bills and create a budget
- How to write a professional emails/letters
- How to bargain
- Dressing for the office: 101
- Basic Home Repairs
- Not Acting Like a Jerk in Public: basics and advanced learning
- How to Learn
- Dating: Do's and Don'ts
- Why You Need To Appreciate Your Parents
- How to use Social Media responsibly.
- How to Listen properly
- Friendship: Why you should keep real friends and cut those out who are toxic
- How not to be a douchebag
- How to manage your credit
- Why you shouldn't live with your parents past the age of 25 for any reason
- The Art Of Walking (see previous post)
- Why you'll regret every decision you make in your teens years and early twenties

I sent this list to various education bodies around the province and Canada, however the only response I received was one teacher's college gave me an F (followed by a U).  School is a valuable and precious thing, we need to make the best of our formative years and actually start learning things we really need to know because dammit, I cannot say that I ever used my knowledge of the Bay of Pigs in daily life...and I really wanted to!!  Maybe I'll open my own school..."I've had enough of you holding me back, I'm going to clown college!"

Teenagers (part 1)

There is one thing on this planet that all people over the age of 25 hate.  It’s not taxes, it’s not paying rent…it’s something far more annoying, less useful and there is no getting rid of this particular plague.  Teenagers.  The so-called “future” of human society, every generation getting progressively worse until are eventually the death of us all.  The end of the human race will not be in a US-Russian fueled nuclear war or an extinction level asteroid…it will be teenagers.

There was a time when teenagers were considered adults and were getting married and having children at age 13, they were fully active members of society and had already achieved a good chunk of their life expectancy.  Now they are still in school, still living at home, and only the really stupid ones are having children.  While I am for them still being in school and still living at home during their teenage years, I am not against pushing back to the times when they were expected to contribute more to society that shrill laughter in inappropriate places and eye rolling at every word spoken to them.

Get a group of teenagers together and show them pictures of Vladimir Putin, Neil DeGrasse Tyson, Nikola Tesla, and Margaret Thatcher and see how many of them they recognize and know about.  Show them pictures of Justin Bieber, the man-children from One Direction and the cast of Glee and I bet you they won’t miss a single one.  When I was a teenager (let’s not discuss how long ago this may have been), I would also have been able to recognize all of the pop stars and current celebrities, but I can confidently say I would have gotten 3 out of the 4 others who are not quite so ‘pop-culture’, as would many people I went to school with.  There is a level of blame to be placed on the schools as well, I was fortunate enough that I went to a pretty good school; I didn’t know it at the time, but when I compare it to other people who went to other schools in other cities and areas, it did me well.  We were taught things such as world issues and why they were important and how to question things that we read and they actively wanted us to take a personal interest in the issues of the day.  Ask a teenager today who David Cameron is, how many would know?  Why is Russia against US action in Syria?  Do you know where Syria is on a map??  Do you know how to use a non-google map???

School seems wasted on so many students in that they do not appreciate the education while they are getting it.  They see school as an inconvenience and an annoyance that just keeps them from hanging out with their friends.  Yes, social lives are important, but they will never trump a good education, believe me, I regret skipping as much as I did during those years.  The importance that teenagers put on their social lives is completely disproportionate, and if you want proof how unimportant a teenager’s social life is, consider how many people you hung out with then are still in your life now.  How many great biographies have you read that detail the social importance of their high school years (unless they were bad bullying experiences that scarred them)?  None, because they don’t really matter…in the grand scheme of life, a teenager’s social life is as important as a benign mole on your back that you remember every 6 months when you see the doctor but pay no attention to. 

I would also like to point out to teenagers, that when adults say that you look stupid doing things like smoking, drinking and acting like baboons, they are not jealous of your youth, they are not saying that you are cool by rebelling against what adults do…they/we really do mean that you look completely and utterly stupid.  I see groups of teenagers on the subway every day coming home from their days at school, and they are always in obnoxiously loud groups giggling, shouting, yelling etc. even though they are standing 4 inches apart.  I can always see them each looking around the subway car to see if people are looking at them..they adjust their stance so they look cooler, they don’t hold a handrail because they are such pros that they ‘got this’ and they talk about whatever they think will make them sound cool to these perfect strangers who will likely never see them again.  As one of those strangers I will tell you what goes through the head of all of the people you are trying to impress…the thought is not ‘wow, they must be the cool kids, I wish I was still young’…it is ‘good god, shut up already and grow up, you’re so disruptive to everyone around you…now what do I make for dinner?’

A quick note to teens as well…this one just burns my butter…every time you use the words ‘that’s not fair’, someone over the age of 30 gets to smack you with their bank statement…because life is not fair princess.  If you think teachers are mean and unfair, wait until you get a boss you don’t like.  You think homework sucks?  Yes, reading and writing must be such a job while you sit in a house someone else paid for, eating the food they’ve provided you in the clothing you didn’t have to work for.  If it were up to me, Iphones would be banned for anyone under the age of 18, because you should have to learn how to learn before you’re allowed to have a device that tells you everything.

Don’t get me started on teenagers’ music…because we all know how bad it is..but in all fairness, all generations have had some really bad teenage music in their era.

I have a lot more I could say as to why teenagers bother the crap outta me..but as an adult, I don’t have time to list them all right now, I have work to do and bills to pay..so there will be more posts on this subject in the future.  In the meantime, if you see a teenager and they annoy you…know you aren’t alone.