Words You Are Using Incorrectly

I've previously attempted to assist with the common grammatical crimes of your/you're and their/they're/there; so today I will focus on some other offenses oft committed but perhaps overlooked.

Words you are using wrong:

Selfie.  This is really only used incorrectly by people over the age of 50.  These people seem to think that a selfie is any photo taken on a mobile device.  A selfie is a photo you take of yourself, it's a self taken photo of one's self....hence selfie.  I cannot tell you how many times I've heard someone say "She got a selfie of him with her phone"....that's not possible- you cannot take a selfie of someone other than yourself.

Literally.  No, you did not literally die when you heard big news.  You are not literally incapable of handling the situation.  If you had done either of these, you'd either be physically dead or mentally insane; which you aren't, you're just a twat who doesn't know what 'literally' means.  What you want is the word 'figurative' if anything.

Awesome.  This means to inspire awe, actual awe; a feeling of such breathtaking a mind wrenching incomprehension and subjugation that you are taken to the brink of sanity by what you are experiencing and are reduced to your most basic animal mental state by the information.  So, is the sandwich you said was awesome really that good?  I doubt it.

Feminist- this is any person who believes that women deserve equal rights, pay, treatment to men.  That's it.  This can refer to a man or a woman who hold his belief.  This does not only refer to butch lesbians, to misandry spewing man-haters, to women who need to get laid, it refers to all people who believe in fighting discrimination based on sex.  We fight against stereotyping other groups such as all right-wingers are hillbilly bible-thumpers, all left-wingers are hippy drug addicts and all Americans are racist etc.  Yes, these extremes exist, but don't let the few bad apples sour the whole bunch.  The word you are looking for instead is 'feminazi'- the extremists of the group who are just the worst.

GIF vs JIF- The short form stands for 'graphic interchange format'. The word 'graphic' has a guttural 'gu' sound, not a hard 'j' or 'ʤ' sound as per phonetics.  The letter 'g' is pronounced differently based on the vowel that proceeds it; if it is followed by an 'i' or and 'e', then it takes on the 'j' or 'ʤ' sound; if it is proceeded by an 'a' and 'o' or a 'u', then it it pronounces as the softened 'gu' sound.  The exception to this is for Germanic words such as 'gift' and 'geese'.  Therefore, a Roman based language would say "Jif" and a Germanic  would pronounce is "Gif" with a soft 'g'.  As English is a combination of both....this means they are both right and both wrong and that there is no right answer.  Stop debating this online, it doesn't matter, look at cat videos like a normal person.


I'm sure one of these days one of my language professors will stumble across my language rants and will immediately have my degree revoked...but until then, keep reading!

More New Words!

I can't say that this is how I imagined I would be putting my language degree to use, but at least it wasn't a total waste (sorry mom and dad).  I will eventually have to recap all of these new word creations of mine and start my own dictionary since those twats at the Oxford won't allow me within 50 meters of their office anymore.  Here are today's words:

Spoontang (Spoon-tang) noun. A guilty pleasure of indulging in food.  Eg: I have some Ben and Jerry's in my freezer waiting for me...I'm gonna get me some spoontang.

Procatstinate (Pro-kat-stinn-ate) verb. To waste time watching cat videos online. Eg. I was supposed to be getting that report done for my boss but I spent the whole day procatstinating watching Simon's Cat on YouTube.

Caffiend- (Ka-feend) noun. A person who is massively addicted to caffeine such a coffee and energy drinks.  Eg. Mike really needs to cut down on the coffee, he's a major caffiend, he's up to 5 a day.

Tadpolling (Tad-pol-ling) verb. Dating someone much too young for you.  Sharon is 39 and is dating a 21 year old guys, I don't know why she's tadpolling instead of looking for someone a bit more mature.

Signs you're getting OLDER

When we were kids, we couldn't wait to grow up.  We wanted to be big kids.  When we were big kids, we wanted to be teenagers.  When we were teenagers, we wanted to be adults.  Now that we're adults, we want to turn time back and be young again.  Where did the time go?  I sometimes still think I'm young, that is, until I hang out with young people.  Then I realize that I am getting older...I may not be ancient, but I'm not the young fresh flower I once was.  There are some very clear signs from the universe that the abacus of your lifespan is notching ever over to one side.

- You are happier when people cancel plans with you than make plans
- You get the same joy from having clean laundry that you once did from new outfits
- Creaky knees
- You hate the music on the radio (unless you listen to oldies stations)
- You get upset at Forever 21 for selling crop tops with Nirvana, Clash and AC/DC on them because the kids today are too young to really appreciate those bands enough to deserve the tshirts.
- You feel weird when standing in Hot Topic
- Bad back!
- You watch the original Jurassic Park movie and agree with the lawyer.
- You remember when Adam Sandler was funny
- The athletes your age are all retiring.
- You'll pay the extra money for good shoes because you can't take the cute shoes that hurt your feet anymore
- You'll also pay extra for direct flights, bigger seats etc. when travelling because your body can't take the stress and discomfort anymore
-Hangovers last for days instead of hours
- The only reason a cute 21 year old guy comes up to you is to ask you directions
- Your parents become the children in the relationship
- You watch a political debate...sober....on purpose
- The big thing you're saving for is new towels
- The night ends at 10pm
- You'd rather hang out with your cat than 95% of the people you know
- You have no idea what Tinder is for
- You care how much fiber is in your diet
- Finding a good tasting low fat cheese can make your day
- More than 2 cups of coffee/tea makes you edgy
- You remember a time when people didn't get offended by absolutely everything
- You're no longer excited when friends get engaged because you know the hassle that will follow
- Mortgage payments
- You finally realize that nobody owes you anything in life
- Kraft Dinner is more a treat and less a nightly necessity
- You remember when The Simpsons was the best show on tv
- There are no high school photos of you on Facebook because cell phone cameras weren't a thing
- You genuinely forget how old you are when asked
- When you look at the 'Must Be Born Before This Date In' year to buy cigarettes...you're shocked at that year.
-McDonald's just doesn't taste as good anymore
-Teenagers are the worst thing on the planet
- Cat videos become far better than music videos


You know what they say...getting old sucks but the alternative is much worse.

Good Advice

"Don't Touch -Willie"....good advice!

Everyone always has advice to give on everything; friends, family, magazines, tv shows, complete strangers etc.  The problem is that we're usually offered so much of it that it's hard to know what to listen to.  The obvious person you should be listening to is me...I am amazing.

I've been given a ton of advice about everything in life, some I'm very glad I've listen to, some I wish I hadn't and some I'm really glad I didn't.  To the friend who advised me at age 24 that I should have a baby because it was fun...ya...you maybe should refrain from sharing your advice. To the person who advised me that lending money to a deadbeat ex-bf was a bad idea...wish I'd listened to you.

These days I take most of my advice from Liz Lemon "Put potato chips on a sandwich", but I felt it prudent to share some nuggets of wisdom I've received or learned over the years from various sources...what I would consider to be amongst the best advice I can give.

1.  Live Alone.  Not forever...but do it at some point in your life.  I lived with two boyfriends after moving out of my parents house. I technically had my own place briefly but I spent almost no time alone there.  Living alone teaches you how to become a more complete person, how to solve your own problems, how to live with yourself and be independent.

2.  Watch how someone treats service people.  If they are rude to the waitress or the cashier, what does that tell you about someone?  It shows a lack of respect for people and shows selfishness.  I had an ex who used to be foul to waitresses and it embarrassed me...it wasn't long before he began to treat me the same way.

3. Comfortable shoes are never unfashionable.  Seriously, having sore feet can ruin any day or occasion.  Always have comfy shoes on hand because there is nothing sexy about high heels when you're walking like you just had the world's largest enema.

4. Wait 24 hours before sending an angry message.  We all say things in the heat of the moment that we wish we could take back...so why risk it?

5. Never go to bed angry.  This can be so hard because sometimes you're just so angry or so upset, but it's worth it.  Waking up still angry will put a damper on your entire day, you're letting the negativity consume you and eat at you and the resentment only builds.  Just deal with it now...trust me.

6. Wait to get married.  Why are people in their 20's in such a rush to get married?  I watched so many friends marry the wrong person just because they HAD to get married or else they thought their world would end.  If you love them and want to be together, then that's what matters...make sure you know.  Otherwise, maybe you're just doing this for the wedding and not for the marriage.

7.  Don't lend money to people you know.  This never ends well.  If it's for life-saving surgery, ok, fine, but otherwise, do not risk it.  One person will end up getting screwed somehow, even if you pay them back immediately...it will haunt you both.

8.  Drink more water.  There is no downside to this...just do it. It helps your digestion, your skin, your appetite control, your blood sugar, your weight...and it's the best habit you'll start.

9. Send me money.  How did this get in the list? Silly me....but seriously, do it.

10. Have a hobby...like me...I write blog posts nobody reads or cares about...but I do it because I enjoy it as an outlet.  It keeps me from venting at strangers on the street again.

Now my advice is to stop dicking around on the internet and do something productive...like watching Netflix.