Another batch of people who need to go away

In the spirit of the frigid season, I've taken a look back and found that I have discovered more people who simply need to go away.  As I add and add to the list, I can't help but get the feeling that eventually I will have told everyone on Earth to go away, leaving only myself, Robert Downey Jr and Tom Hiddleston....my plan is working.

More people who need to simply go away:

People who stop in the middle of hallways to chat, check their phone or figure out where they're going.
People who have a problem with a black stormtrooper
Anyone...ANYONE who gets offended by Christmas.....I will stab you with the scissors I use to cut Santa Claus wrapping paper
The 2015 PanAm games....nobody cares.
Parents who post incessant photos of their horrendously ugly babies online.
Jian Gomeshi, if he likes non-consensual rough sex, just wait until prison!
Strombo...you know music...but stay the hell away from hockey.
Bill Cosby...Thanks for scarring my childhood, asshole!!!!!!
Giggling freshmen girls.....grrrrrr
Anyone who is in IKEA at the same time as me
Friends who constantly ask for your advise but never take it
The person/machine who picks the lotto numbers...boo-urns!
Anyone or anything that causes me to have to take off my onesie on a weekend morning
People who name their kids weird names...they have to live with that name .
Rich people who don't randomly want to give me money....what's up with that?
My fat cells....seriously.
Teenagers..I've mentioned them before but I really can't stress enough just how much I hate them.
People who call your work phone at 4:58pm
People who only answer text messages when they need something
Anyone who doesn't hold the door for the person behind them...it takes half a second.
Whoever agreed to allow such a huge break between seasons 3 and 4 of Sherlock.
That one friend who never plans ahead and then always expects everyone else to cover their ass
Those friends and family members who became unbearable as soon as they had kids
People who harp on me for not liking sushi...I don't want your disgusting fish and seaweed pieces of satan's taint thank you!
This winter...seriously, warm up dammit!

Dear Parents...

I will preface this with the fact that I do not have kids, I have nephews, but I myself, am not a parent.

Ok, now that that’s out of the way, what the hell is wrong with parents?!? 

Let me specify…not all parents…I take issue with parents who take their kids shopping and let their little terrors roam the stores freely.

I was in the grocery store at lunch and a woman had brought her 4 kids with her, all of whom had to range in age from 4-10 years old (I’m assuming they were her kids based on the fact that most of them were loudly yelling ‘MOM’ at her while in line, begging for this treat or that or whining about god only knows what).  Two of the boys were running up and down the line, shoving into people, knocking things over and just overall being little sh*theads.  The mother stood there, reading her gossip rag, picking her 4 inch nails and sucking on her teeth.

Now please tell me why it is against the law for me to trip these children and smack their mom with my grocery basket?

I witness this same phenomenon often in the best place on Earth to see the failings of humanity….Wal-Mart!

Many parents are under the delusion that a store is a substitute for a babysitter…as through the teenager with the nametag  being paid minimum wage gives a rat’s ass about your screaming little monster’s well-being.  Is there a baby bonus if your child is abducted from a store?  Is that why they do it?  Are they regretting the spawning of their flawed DNA and are hoping that someone will randomly take them off their hands?

My basic theory is…if you aren’t going to teach your kids how to behave in public, don’t expect me to behave by not smacking the living snot out of all of you. 

“Don’t tell me how to raise my kids!”….oh yeah?  Well, don’t tell me how to drive my car after I run your ignorant behind down, get out, give your kids a list of horrible swear words and encourage them to use them at school.

On the opposite end of the spectrum, I see some parents walking with their kids on leashes…literally! A freakin leash!  You know that kid is going to have some serious attachment issues in high school.  You might as well name that kid Milton, teach him to play Dungeons and Dragons and kiss your future grandchildren goodbye.

Really, it comes down to teaching your child how to behave like a normal human being in public and teaching them just how not to be an a**hole. 

I could do a whole other rant about parents who don’t control their kids in restaurants…especially nicer restaurants like Keg where people are trying to relax, maybe celebrate and have a romantic night…but little baby screams-a-lot just wails the entire time while Mama and Papa Jerkass sit there oblivious to the fact that their pride and joy is the bane of everyone else’s existence. 

But I’ll save that for another day.