More Shit I shouldn't have to explain

Ok, so there are some basic life rules that some people just never got the message about.  If you are guilty of any of the following, please a) stop it and b) talk yourself out of the gene pool.

Stopping in the middle of a sidewalk or hallway will get you shoved out of the way.  Move to the side if you've stopped to check your phone, you're lost or you just want to look at something.  If you are stationary in a place that is obstructive, do not be surprised when someone gets upset or, like me, hip checks your stupid ass out of the way.

Not everyone works Monday to Friday 9-5 or works night shifts etc,  Therefore, when you're out in public or at home having a loud and raucous time, there is a good chance you're ruining someone's rest.  This is the basic principle of not being a dick.  Not everyone lives your lifestyle, so don't impose yours on others.  If a neighbour asks you to turn your music down at 9pm, they aren't necessarily just a jerk, maybe they work the graveyard shift and you're ruining their sleep.

Being a parent doesn't make you a better or worse person than other people.  Just because you have kids and I don't, do not act like you're better than me.  The world is overpopulated and all you did was make it worse.  On the flip side, just because I didn't have kids, I am not better or smarter than you and if I start acting like you are dumb for having kids, smack me.

Driver picks the music.  As the shotgun position passenger, you are the driver's assistant, you do not make the choices.  If you are sitting in the backseat, you have no say in anything at all- not even bathroom stops.  You sit there and shut up and help the driver.

Do not post all of your issues on social networking.  Nobody needs to know every intimate detail of your life.  If I needed to know that much detail about you, we'd hang out more rather than be passing acquaintances on a website.  Picture, general stuff etc is fine, but I really don't care that you just woke up, what kind of sandwich you had or every relationship detail between you and the latest love of your life for the month.

Low crotch jeans make you look stupid.  I don't care if they are fashionable, they make you look like you crapped in your pants.  I will not take anything you say seriously while I'm busy wondering if you don't know how to dress yourself or if you've suffered a sporadic rectal prolapse and that's why your crotch is between your knees.

Left-wing people hate being associated with SJW's and feminazis just like right-wing people hate being associated with the Klan and Trump.  Extremists of anything give the rest a bad name.  Not all lefties are pothead hippies who think everything is offensive and think everyone should live on a commune.  Not all right wingers are racist homophobes who sleep with their sisters and have 4 teeth.  Stop assuming everyone is a worst case scenario.

Stop that Sh*t

I haven't had a good rant in awhile...I'm feeling a bit pent up.  Having re-read some of my older posts, I was inspired to re-hash one of the same general ideas and simply list off shit that needs to stop.  These are things that, if you are guilty of doing them, cease and desist immediately.  I will rain down pain upon you for continuing to do these things after having been warned...I cannot say where or when or even exactly how...but it will happen (and will likely involve 7 bees, an unwashed sleeping bag and 3, possibly 4 batteries).

Dear world...stop

- wearing man buns....you look like a hairy ballerina form a child's nightmare
- putting your dogs in outfits...I hope they bite you
- being offended by everything...grow some balls
- posting about how blessed you are- shut it!
- not offering your seat to someone in need....God help me I will come at you like a badger!
- taking up more than your share of the sidewalk....I will push you into the traffic and nobody will see
- saying Caitlyn Jenner isn't as brave as army soldiers...there are different kinds of bravery. all valid
- showing up late to everything...if you don't value my time I no longer value your friendship
- pushing your health regiment on me...I will shove that kale smoothie where it will be of no benefit to your digestive system
- pretending like you're too cool for everything...then you're obviously too cool for me too so go away
- pumpkin spice....seriously, f**k off
- Donald Trump....the joke isn't funny anymore
- hating that a murdered lion got media attention...animals are vital to our eco-system, the illegal slaughter of them needs to be dealt with
- calling Toronto 'the 6'.  It's not a thing...stop trying to make it happen.  Drake is a very privileged kid from Forest Hill who was a child actor and never wanted for anything, don't buy the thug image.
- reacting without researching- at least learn what you're mad about
- cancelling shows I love....Buzzcocks, Futurama...a 27 year break between Sherlock series
- lumping all people who support a cause in with the asshole extremists of that cause...muslim extremists, feminazis, christian fundamentalists....they are the worst case scenario, not everyone goes that far and they just give everyone else in the group a bad name
- showing me pictures of Phil Kessel in a Pens uniform...I'm not ready man....not ready
- making me wait for more Game of Thrones
- advertising $200 airfare but then charging $700 tax and fees
- hammer time

Ok...are we clear?  Will the entire planet stop this now?  That's how this works right?....I'm trusting you.

Signs you're getting OLDER

When we were kids, we couldn't wait to grow up.  We wanted to be big kids.  When we were big kids, we wanted to be teenagers.  When we were teenagers, we wanted to be adults.  Now that we're adults, we want to turn time back and be young again.  Where did the time go?  I sometimes still think I'm young, that is, until I hang out with young people.  Then I realize that I am getting older...I may not be ancient, but I'm not the young fresh flower I once was.  There are some very clear signs from the universe that the abacus of your lifespan is notching ever over to one side.

- You are happier when people cancel plans with you than make plans
- You get the same joy from having clean laundry that you once did from new outfits
- Creaky knees
- You hate the music on the radio (unless you listen to oldies stations)
- You get upset at Forever 21 for selling crop tops with Nirvana, Clash and AC/DC on them because the kids today are too young to really appreciate those bands enough to deserve the tshirts.
- You feel weird when standing in Hot Topic
- Bad back!
- You watch the original Jurassic Park movie and agree with the lawyer.
- You remember when Adam Sandler was funny
- The athletes your age are all retiring.
- You'll pay the extra money for good shoes because you can't take the cute shoes that hurt your feet anymore
- You'll also pay extra for direct flights, bigger seats etc. when travelling because your body can't take the stress and discomfort anymore
-Hangovers last for days instead of hours
- The only reason a cute 21 year old guy comes up to you is to ask you directions
- Your parents become the children in the relationship
- You watch a political debate...sober....on purpose
- The big thing you're saving for is new towels
- The night ends at 10pm
- You'd rather hang out with your cat than 95% of the people you know
- You have no idea what Tinder is for
- You care how much fiber is in your diet
- Finding a good tasting low fat cheese can make your day
- More than 2 cups of coffee/tea makes you edgy
- You remember a time when people didn't get offended by absolutely everything
- You're no longer excited when friends get engaged because you know the hassle that will follow
- Mortgage payments
- You finally realize that nobody owes you anything in life
- Kraft Dinner is more a treat and less a nightly necessity
- You remember when The Simpsons was the best show on tv
- There are no high school photos of you on Facebook because cell phone cameras weren't a thing
- You genuinely forget how old you are when asked
- When you look at the 'Must Be Born Before This Date In' year to buy cigarettes...you're shocked at that year.
-McDonald's just doesn't taste as good anymore
-Teenagers are the worst thing on the planet
- Cat videos become far better than music videos


You know what they say...getting old sucks but the alternative is much worse.

Some notes on my beloved Toronto

I'm as close to being considered a 'world traveler' as Kim Kardashian is to being considered a scholar.  I was born and raised in the city in which I still reside, Toronto, Ontario, Canada.  I am very Canadian... I love Tim Hortons, I watch hockey, I hold doors open for people, I speak French and I love poutine.  I didn't start leaving Canada to visit other places until later in my 20's and more so now in my 30's (although I still maintain that my age is perpetually 24).  The list of cities/countries outside of Canada to which I have been is very short, especially compared to most of my friends, many of whom have been on more trips than I have failed diets attempts.  However, while my travels are limited and none can be considered exotic, each one has given me new appreciations and lamentations regarding the hometown to which I return at the end of each journey. So here I lay out some of the new perspectives, wishes, complaints and perhaps even ideas that I have brought back with me to Toronto, for Toronto.

The number one issue is the one I think all Torontonians would agree with...public transit.  The TTC sucks the big one in so many ways when you compare our transit system on a global scale.  New York City and London may have much larger populations than Toronto by 2, 3, maybe even 4 times over...but their transit systems outshine ours in exponents that can only be calculated by NASA.  We have 3.5 subway lines for the largest population in Canada and a city that is building so many condos in the downtown core it's as if they have a hoarding problem.  Only 2 of the lines are ever really used, because the only time the Sheppard line is ever used is when people without cars need to go to IKEA.  The Scarborough "SRT" line isn't a subway....it's pretty much just a bus in a cave.  Looking at a map of London's underground, it's so thorough and complex it's its own small city.  If you don't live on Yonge Street or Bloor/Danforth, Toronto's subway is useless.  Even if you do...do not bother trying to ride it at any given rush hour as the capacity is roughly 10% of the actual human traffic.  To top it off, what's our big solution?  Building a line nobody wants or will use in Scarborough....*slow clap*  bravo.  At least I can say that our subway cars are nicely air conditioned....lookin at you Rome metro! 40 degrees, jammed in like sardines and no air conditioning? Is Caligula back in charge?

History.  Canadians don't have much of it, we're not even officially 150 years old yet while some European cities are so old they were built by cro-magnon man.  Having recently visited the "Eternal City" aka Rome, Italy...you cannot help but develop an extra large sense of appreciation for history.  Their prize ruins are exactly that, ruined pieces of once monumental buildings from an age long dead; ruined by barbarian invaders, pollution, nature and time.  But they are still there.  They are preserved, valued, kept up, prized and studied.  They live modernly alongside history in a way that should be more of an example to other cities.  I don't think Toronto has said 'no' to a request to tear down a beautiful old building...ever.  Toronto doesn't blink an eye at the idea of tearing down something old and historic to throw up some ugly new condo building as long as the right amount of money changes hands.  Walk along the river Tiber and look at the buildings along the water.  Now walk along the waterfront of Lake Ontario and look at the sea of concrete and glass condos....makes you want to throw up in your mouth.  I am all for progress and development in the city...please do tear down some of the ugly useless buildings and make them bigger and better...but if I see one more century old building that's as old as Toronto being torn down for some concrete tower...I'm moving to Barrie. (not really, that's gross).  I realize I could also praise London and Edinburgh for their gorgeous old buildings...but Rome is the gold standard.

Food. This one I will say, each city has its strengths.  Toronto has amazing variety of food, it's a great place to be a foodie because you can find any cuisine imaginable offered somewhere in the city.  Rome...the quality of the ingredients is just unparalleled, it's all so fresh and nurtured that the food has to be super simple otherwise you lose the fresh tastes.  I will dream of that buffalo mozzarella and prosciutto for the rest of my days.  New York.,..American portion sizes are enough to solve world hunger.  They give you enough food on one plate to keep you full for a week.  Montreal, your poutine should have its own religion.  London....umm...well....I approve of the high levels of tea availability. I'm not even including Edinburgh in this...you should be ashamed.

Public washrooms.  I'm a woman...I need to pee frequently.  Toronto is great for washrooms...if you need to go, you're probably within a 5 minute walk of a decent bathroom.  London is also great, they have pay toilets but it's very cheap and just ensures that they are funded to be cleaned...one I went into even had a hair drier and a hair straightener....genius!  New York...they were fairly frequent but pretty hepatitis-y.  A lot of trying not to touch anything and always hover-pee.  Montreal....I really don't know...I spent so much time so drunk that I don't know what I did or where I went.  Rome...oh Rome....you bastards.  Not only are there zero washrooms anywhere but the ones they do have are more like torture devices.  Did people not pee in BC times? Did Michelangelo not need a potty break when painting the Sistine? Bah!

Art.  Rome has the Sistine Chapel, works older than most civilizations and sculpture that would bring a blind man to his knees.  London has some of the most beautiful treasures ever found from the world over (granted, most of them not created in England....*cough* Greek).  Montreal's art exhibitions are always super impressive and hip.  New York embodies art in so many ways outside of the staggering art museums that it's everywhere.  Toronto....umm....we...don't match up.  The AGO? Good god, the building itself looks like something a 2nd year architecture student sneezed out and the most impressive shows we get are Andy Warhol's 3rd cousin's uncle's sketchbook rejects.  Our taste in art as a city on the whole seems to reflect in our huge buildings...flat, boring, unoriginal.  We have small pockets of great stuff...but going to a museum or 'big' show in Toronto is just... exactly.

So those are my chosen 5 categories...there are a million other comparisons that could be made but I feel like these first few would be a good start to improving the prospects for my humble T-dot.  Perhaps after my next planned destination (Paris) I will have more insight...if nothing else into the French-English rivalry that Toronto-Montreal can quasi join in on.  So...how do I send this to John Tory to get a move on? He seems to be on Breakfast Television every other day...time to stalk Frankish!

People who need to be my friends

I have many lists of people who need to go away, but I haven't yet created a list of people in the world whom I have largely not met, but I think we should be friends.  Some of these people make me laugh, some I find fascinating and others are just really cool and I need to learn their ways.  If you don't recognize the name, I highly suggest looking them up.

In no particular order....

Robert Downey Jr (needs to be my husband, not just friends)
Tom Hiddleston (also husband preferable)
Jennifer Lawrence
Neil DeGrasse Tyson
The Fat Jewish (that's his Instagram name, I'm not Mel Gibson-ing)
Stephen Fry
George Takei
The Rock
Dara O'Briain
Ed Byrne
Frankie Boyle
Ellen Degeneres
David Mitchell
Tina Fey
NPH
Joss Whedon
Matt Groening
Professor Farnsworth....he's a cartoon but we can still be friends!!!
Amy Schumer
Will Ferrell
Peter Dinklage
Ricky Gervais
Jon Stewart
Whoever invented the adult onesie
The writers of Cyanide & Happiness
John Cleese
Benedict Cumberbatch
Noel Fielding

Ok, so....if you have any contacts with these future besties of mine, please let me know...so we can let our friendships blossom.

Good Advice

"Don't Touch -Willie"....good advice!

Everyone always has advice to give on everything; friends, family, magazines, tv shows, complete strangers etc.  The problem is that we're usually offered so much of it that it's hard to know what to listen to.  The obvious person you should be listening to is me...I am amazing.

I've been given a ton of advice about everything in life, some I'm very glad I've listen to, some I wish I hadn't and some I'm really glad I didn't.  To the friend who advised me at age 24 that I should have a baby because it was fun...ya...you maybe should refrain from sharing your advice. To the person who advised me that lending money to a deadbeat ex-bf was a bad idea...wish I'd listened to you.

These days I take most of my advice from Liz Lemon "Put potato chips on a sandwich", but I felt it prudent to share some nuggets of wisdom I've received or learned over the years from various sources...what I would consider to be amongst the best advice I can give.

1.  Live Alone.  Not forever...but do it at some point in your life.  I lived with two boyfriends after moving out of my parents house. I technically had my own place briefly but I spent almost no time alone there.  Living alone teaches you how to become a more complete person, how to solve your own problems, how to live with yourself and be independent.

2.  Watch how someone treats service people.  If they are rude to the waitress or the cashier, what does that tell you about someone?  It shows a lack of respect for people and shows selfishness.  I had an ex who used to be foul to waitresses and it embarrassed me...it wasn't long before he began to treat me the same way.

3. Comfortable shoes are never unfashionable.  Seriously, having sore feet can ruin any day or occasion.  Always have comfy shoes on hand because there is nothing sexy about high heels when you're walking like you just had the world's largest enema.

4. Wait 24 hours before sending an angry message.  We all say things in the heat of the moment that we wish we could take back...so why risk it?

5. Never go to bed angry.  This can be so hard because sometimes you're just so angry or so upset, but it's worth it.  Waking up still angry will put a damper on your entire day, you're letting the negativity consume you and eat at you and the resentment only builds.  Just deal with it now...trust me.

6. Wait to get married.  Why are people in their 20's in such a rush to get married?  I watched so many friends marry the wrong person just because they HAD to get married or else they thought their world would end.  If you love them and want to be together, then that's what matters...make sure you know.  Otherwise, maybe you're just doing this for the wedding and not for the marriage.

7.  Don't lend money to people you know.  This never ends well.  If it's for life-saving surgery, ok, fine, but otherwise, do not risk it.  One person will end up getting screwed somehow, even if you pay them back immediately...it will haunt you both.

8.  Drink more water.  There is no downside to this...just do it. It helps your digestion, your skin, your appetite control, your blood sugar, your weight...and it's the best habit you'll start.

9. Send me money.  How did this get in the list? Silly me....but seriously, do it.

10. Have a hobby...like me...I write blog posts nobody reads or cares about...but I do it because I enjoy it as an outlet.  It keeps me from venting at strangers on the street again.

Now my advice is to stop dicking around on the internet and do something productive...like watching Netflix.

Another batch of people who need to go away

In the spirit of the frigid season, I've taken a look back and found that I have discovered more people who simply need to go away.  As I add and add to the list, I can't help but get the feeling that eventually I will have told everyone on Earth to go away, leaving only myself, Robert Downey Jr and Tom Hiddleston....my plan is working.

More people who need to simply go away:

People who stop in the middle of hallways to chat, check their phone or figure out where they're going.
People who have a problem with a black stormtrooper
Anyone...ANYONE who gets offended by Christmas.....I will stab you with the scissors I use to cut Santa Claus wrapping paper
The 2015 PanAm games....nobody cares.
Parents who post incessant photos of their horrendously ugly babies online.
Jian Gomeshi, if he likes non-consensual rough sex, just wait until prison!
Strombo...you know music...but stay the hell away from hockey.
Bill Cosby...Thanks for scarring my childhood, asshole!!!!!!
Giggling freshmen girls.....grrrrrr
Anyone who is in IKEA at the same time as me
Friends who constantly ask for your advise but never take it
The person/machine who picks the lotto numbers...boo-urns!
Anyone or anything that causes me to have to take off my onesie on a weekend morning
People who name their kids weird names...they have to live with that name .
Rich people who don't randomly want to give me money....what's up with that?
My fat cells....seriously.
Teenagers..I've mentioned them before but I really can't stress enough just how much I hate them.
People who call your work phone at 4:58pm
People who only answer text messages when they need something
Anyone who doesn't hold the door for the person behind them...it takes half a second.
Whoever agreed to allow such a huge break between seasons 3 and 4 of Sherlock.
That one friend who never plans ahead and then always expects everyone else to cover their ass
Those friends and family members who became unbearable as soon as they had kids
People who harp on me for not liking sushi...I don't want your disgusting fish and seaweed pieces of satan's taint thank you!
This winter...seriously, warm up dammit!

World Problems

I often see 'First World Problems' as a hashtag...which is fine...but it makes me wonder what other world problems we're missing out on...here are a few from the 'others':

Those Romulans are so mean to me   #OtherWorldProblems

It's so freaking dark down here!   #UnderworldProblems 

My family keeps dying from new diseases foreign to us   #NewWorldProblems

I've been brainwashed by the dystopian state! #BraveNewWorldproblems 

I hate Howie Mandel!  #BobbysWorldProblems 

Zombie....need.....brains   #WorldWarZProblems 

Has anyone seem my helm of invisibility?   #WorldofWarcraftProblems

Someone please make Robin Williams shut up!!!  #WorldAccordingtoGarpProblems

This magic carpet needs some seat belts!! #AWholeNewWorldProblems
 
 Stop confusing us with wrestling, we save animals  #WorldWildlifeFederationProblems

I don't care what Fogg says, we're lost dammit!   #AroundtheWorldinEightyDaysProblems

OMG he's got a probe! #WaroftheWorldsProblems

Car!............Game on!   #WaynesWorldProblems

AAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!   #EndoftheWorldProblems