Stop that Sh*t

I haven't had a good rant in awhile...I'm feeling a bit pent up.  Having re-read some of my older posts, I was inspired to re-hash one of the same general ideas and simply list off shit that needs to stop.  These are things that, if you are guilty of doing them, cease and desist immediately.  I will rain down pain upon you for continuing to do these things after having been warned...I cannot say where or when or even exactly how...but it will happen (and will likely involve 7 bees, an unwashed sleeping bag and 3, possibly 4 batteries).

Dear world...stop

- wearing man buns....you look like a hairy ballerina form a child's nightmare
- putting your dogs in outfits...I hope they bite you
- being offended by everything...grow some balls
- posting about how blessed you are- shut it!
- not offering your seat to someone in need....God help me I will come at you like a badger!
- taking up more than your share of the sidewalk....I will push you into the traffic and nobody will see
- saying Caitlyn Jenner isn't as brave as army soldiers...there are different kinds of bravery. all valid
- showing up late to everything...if you don't value my time I no longer value your friendship
- pushing your health regiment on me...I will shove that kale smoothie where it will be of no benefit to your digestive system
- pretending like you're too cool for everything...then you're obviously too cool for me too so go away
- pumpkin spice....seriously, f**k off
- Donald Trump....the joke isn't funny anymore
- hating that a murdered lion got media attention...animals are vital to our eco-system, the illegal slaughter of them needs to be dealt with
- calling Toronto 'the 6'.  It's not a thing...stop trying to make it happen.  Drake is a very privileged kid from Forest Hill who was a child actor and never wanted for anything, don't buy the thug image.
- reacting without researching- at least learn what you're mad about
- cancelling shows I love....Buzzcocks, Futurama...a 27 year break between Sherlock series
- lumping all people who support a cause in with the asshole extremists of that cause...muslim extremists, feminazis, christian fundamentalists....they are the worst case scenario, not everyone goes that far and they just give everyone else in the group a bad name
- showing me pictures of Phil Kessel in a Pens uniform...I'm not ready man....not ready
- making me wait for more Game of Thrones
- advertising $200 airfare but then charging $700 tax and fees
- hammer time

Ok...are we clear?  Will the entire planet stop this now?  That's how this works right?....I'm trusting you.

Commandments of Transit and the 7 Deadly Sins of Commuting

Anyone who knows me had to know that this subject was going to come up soon.  I spend a lot of time commuting on public transit, and I mean a lot…like…too much.  I use 2 transit systems to get to and from work as well as a third when I have to visit family…so I am quite well versed in the transit of the GTA.  Subways, buses, east/west, north/south, I take them all.  As such, I see a lot of people in a day, different types of people from every walk of life (except the rich who can afford cars).  Given that I see so many people, no matter how different they may seem, many seem to be prone to committing the same common infractions of transit users that I truly believe should be inscribed on a stone tablet upon a mountain as the “Commandments of Transit”.  I have, so far, devised what shall henceforth be known as the 7 Deadly Sins of Commuting:

1. Thou shalt let people off first- letting people get off the bus/subway before you shove yourself in is pretty basic. The bus driver can see you and isn't going to just leave you there.  The subway stops are designed to allow for the general flow of traffic at the station to get off and then on in that order. Violating this commandment does allow me to shoulder-check you out of the way.

2. Thou shalt not bring thy bicycle onto transit vehicles- You are a douchebag if you bring your bicycle into the subway or onto the bus.  Especially is you bring it into the bus because most TTC buses have racks on the outside meant for them.  You are bringing a mode of transportation onto another form of transportation, so you're both a douchebag and superfluous.  Those things take up so much room, and why? Because you couldn't bike the whole way? Then don't take your bike you damn hippie!

3. Thou shalt mind thy bags- Did you pay two fares? No? Then you don't get two seats, move your freakin' bags.  If you are blocking the seats with your shopping bags and you roll your eyes at me when I ask to sit down and make you move your oh-so-precious bags...I will pick them up and beat you over the head with them.  If you bring a thousand bags onto the bus or subway (especially during rush hour), you either need to take a cab or re-think your shopping strategies.

4. Thou shalt give up your seat- God help you if I see you not give your seat to a person in need! If you are sitting down and someone who needs a seat is standing near you (handicapped, disabled, pregnant, elderly etc.) then you are the worst kind of person.  I declare every right to yank you out of your seat by the scruff of your hair and toss you out of the moving vehicle.  I don't care if you're tired, if your feet hurt etc...get the hell out of that seat when someone needs it more than you do.

5. Thou shalt not talk to the driver-  Need directions? Google them. If you want to double check that the bus or subway is going the direction that you need, fine, ask away, but do not proceed to then ask them how to complete your entire transit adventure...look it up before you get on.  I don't need to be stuck at a stop because your stupid ass cannot figure out that Bay is west of Yonge or that you need to change buses somewhere.  The driver also does not want to hear about your day, your friend who worked on a bus or anything other than the sound of you not speaking...just let them do their jobs in peace.

6. Thou shalt not sit next to me- The general rule is that you should not sit next to someone unless it is unavoidable.  If there is a spot where you can sit and not be next to anyone, that is the spot you take.  I don't want someone next to me if at all possible, so if I am sitting alone in a two seater and there is another empty two seater...do not come sit next to me...that is like taking the urinal beside another man, you just don't do it.  If the bus/subway is busy, then fine, sit, but stay on your side, don't talk to me and if you start being noisy in anyway, I will jab you with my elbow into your ribcage.

7. Thou shalt shut the hell up- This is simple...be quiet.  If you yammer away on your cellphone on a bus, or chat incessantly with your friend(s) on the bus/subway, you need to know that every person around you wants to rip out your vocal chords.  

Now go forth and spread this gospel.

Things I wish were socially acceptable

How many times a day do you not do something because it's considered 'socially unacceptable' behaviour?  If you're anything like me, this can average in the hundreds on any given day...it can range in the thousands if it's a Monday.  Some of these things, I can make my peace with why they cannot be allowed in every day society...such as pushing people into traffic, stabbing people in the eye and not wearing clothing whenever one feels like it.  There are, however, some social conventions I wish would just magically become 'ok' in everyday society...no stigma, no awkward transition period of acceptance...just totally cool.  

- Telling someone that yes, those pants do make you look fat.

- Telling loud talking/obnoxious people to shut the hell up

- Scratching your butt when it's really really itchy (I will admit, this one would have to have limits)

- Calling an asshole an asshole

- Telling a server/waitress that your order is messed up without having to feel guilty

- Not tipping the hairdresser who just butchered your head...because you know you do it.

- Telling someone that their baby is ugly, because frankly, I'm tired of 'liking' the picture of your gargoyle looking spawn just so as not to be rude.

- Shoving someone out of the way who got there after you but tries to enter the subway/bus/building first.

- Wearing sneakers with absolutely everything...because I'm not friends with heels...they hurt.

- Declining a wedding, party, shower etc simply because you just don't want to go.

- Having 10 cats

- Drinking a beer before noon...this is just silly

- Telling someone they have food in their teeth...because I'd want someone to tell me that I have a chicken wing dangling in my molar.

- Throwing a temper tantrum as an adult

- Wearing feety pyjamas to work

- Being rolled around in stroller as an adult when you're just that tired

- Pointing directly at people who are very obviously being a douchebag

- Unfriending people without it being 'a thing'

- Calling BS on people who say that they can relate to your situation but you know they're full of crap

- Yelling "Move It!" to people who are in the way

- Wearing a petticoat... because why the hell not

- Febreezing someone who sits next to you who smells awful

- Not having to pretend that the large amount of fast food that you're buying is for multiple people...just admit you're pigging out fellow oinkers!

- Drinking beer at work, because that's where I need one the most!

- Let's all stop pretending that we don't text while on the toilet

- High fiving strangers for being awesome- because sometimes I do actually want to do this (like the guy on the subway this morning with a kickass Bowie tshirt)

I'm sure if I applied more brain power I could add a million more to this list- so comment me yours :)  In the meantime, I'm going to enjoy a socially acceptable beer in my bathtub while wearing a Pope costume and watching offensive videos.

The Art of Walking

As a creature with feet, humans walk...humans have always walked, even when we were barely sentient Neanderthals, we walked. It is a basic human function. 

But is it just that simple? To quote the great John Pinette..."Nay Nay"

There is an art of walking, in that there are rules that must be taught and obeyed. If you are completely flummoxed by this idea, chances are you are guilty of one or many of the oh-so common infractions of the urban biped:

1. Slow walkers: Move. Get out of the way, move to the side, or just take a bus instead. Now, this does not apply to people such as the elderly, the disabled etc- this applied to perfectly capable humans who chose to walk down the middle of the sidewalk at a pace that would suggest they are composed of sand and any swift movements would cause them to deteriorate. If you walk slowly, move to one side and let people who walk faster pass.

2. No more than 2 at a time: Two is company, three's a crowd. If you are walking in a group of more than 2 people, you are only to walk in pairs when passing on sidewalks. Three people takes up most, if not all, of the sidewalk...so you would just be sidewalk-hogs at that point. If there are three of you then one person must bite that bullet of being the third wheel that's dropped back and left behind like the soldier who didn't make it to the chopper on time (cue Willem Dafoe death in Platoon). 

3. Do not stop or stand in the middle of the sidewalk: need I explain? Really? This is the same reason you wouldn't randomly slam on your breaks and check your GPS in the middle lane of the 401 during the morning rush. If you're lost or having a chat...move to one side, otherwise people are quite justified in brusquely moving you there with their elbows, shoves and anything else they may be carrying with them.

4. Pay attention: I usually walk while I have music playing on my phone and I do check apps and text...but when you get to an intersection, look up from your handheld metal device to see if a much bigger one is about to slam into you. 

5. Walking with kids: your kids are just the cutest little things in the whole world aren't they? Well, they're in my way. Do not let your children randomly walk down the street with you leaving them to stumble about, walking in to people and holding up foot traffic. Stay to one side of the sidewalk, keep an eye on them and keep them in line. "He's just a child", yeah well, now he's just roadkill.

I will leave it at these five for now, feel free to comment your own walking nuisances. One that bothers me as well is people who drag their feet- too lazy to even lift a foot- I'm pretty sure those people are evidence of the devolution of humans.

So while we, as humans, may like to think of ourselves as the most evolved species and of a far developed intellect...the fact is that after millions of years of evolution, we still haven't even mastered walking on our own two feet.