Stop that Sh*t

I haven't had a good rant in awhile...I'm feeling a bit pent up.  Having re-read some of my older posts, I was inspired to re-hash one of the same general ideas and simply list off shit that needs to stop.  These are things that, if you are guilty of doing them, cease and desist immediately.  I will rain down pain upon you for continuing to do these things after having been warned...I cannot say where or when or even exactly how...but it will happen (and will likely involve 7 bees, an unwashed sleeping bag and 3, possibly 4 batteries).

Dear world...stop

- wearing man buns....you look like a hairy ballerina form a child's nightmare
- putting your dogs in outfits...I hope they bite you
- being offended by everything...grow some balls
- posting about how blessed you are- shut it!
- not offering your seat to someone in need....God help me I will come at you like a badger!
- taking up more than your share of the sidewalk....I will push you into the traffic and nobody will see
- saying Caitlyn Jenner isn't as brave as army soldiers...there are different kinds of bravery. all valid
- showing up late to everything...if you don't value my time I no longer value your friendship
- pushing your health regiment on me...I will shove that kale smoothie where it will be of no benefit to your digestive system
- pretending like you're too cool for everything...then you're obviously too cool for me too so go away
- pumpkin spice....seriously, f**k off
- Donald Trump....the joke isn't funny anymore
- hating that a murdered lion got media attention...animals are vital to our eco-system, the illegal slaughter of them needs to be dealt with
- calling Toronto 'the 6'.  It's not a thing...stop trying to make it happen.  Drake is a very privileged kid from Forest Hill who was a child actor and never wanted for anything, don't buy the thug image.
- reacting without researching- at least learn what you're mad about
- cancelling shows I love....Buzzcocks, Futurama...a 27 year break between Sherlock series
- lumping all people who support a cause in with the asshole extremists of that cause...muslim extremists, feminazis, christian fundamentalists....they are the worst case scenario, not everyone goes that far and they just give everyone else in the group a bad name
- showing me pictures of Phil Kessel in a Pens uniform...I'm not ready man....not ready
- making me wait for more Game of Thrones
- advertising $200 airfare but then charging $700 tax and fees
- hammer time

Ok...are we clear?  Will the entire planet stop this now?  That's how this works right?....I'm trusting you.

A Complaint about Complainers

Wah wah wah....that's all we ever hear anymore.  No matter what you do or what you say, someone complains.  Everyone has something to complain about.  Have you ever noticed though, that the people who complain the most are often the people who DO the least about it?  Stop it.  Grow up. Take responsibility. Take action.

People who whine about the government but don't vote.  If you didn't care enough to make your voice heard when you were asked, don't whine like you care afterwards.  The idea of democratic elections is to represent the people, so how can you then complain that the person in power isn't representing your views when you didn't even represent your own views??  Even if your candidate doesn't win, you still made your voice heard and count, sometimes one vote can make a difference.  If you don't make your choice, you don't get to complain about the result, end of story.

People who complain about not being fit when they're eating an entire bag of chips.  I complain about being fat a lot...but there is a difference is being upset about the result or being upset with yourself for not doing what you know you should.  I used to complain about being fat but then scarf down a bag of chips and a 6-pack of beer and still wonder why the pounds weren't coming off.  Nowadays I actually try, I try to eat right and I exercise...so when I complain, it's about the disappointment in myself, not that I'm owed anything.  If you are actively trying to get fit and are struggling, go ahead and complain! It's hard work!  But if you spend every day sitting on your ass on the couch eating nachos and drinking milkshakes....you don't get to complain until you get moving.

People who have everything done for them but complain about how it's done.  This includes everything from kids complaining about how their mom does their laundry or you don't like how your spouse cleans the house.  If someone is doing something for you, be grateful!  If you really hate how it's done, do it yourself.  Ok, this doesn't apply to surgeons, mechanics and other trained specialistz...in that case just find another one.  But really, if you don't like the fabric softener I use, do your own laundry.  If you don't like the hotels I booked, you plan the trip.

Anything teenagers complain about.  Shut up. You know nothing about anything.  You have no real world experience, you don't have to support yourself, nobody relies on you and you live in a selfish bubble.  You have nothing to complain about that won't be over in 4-5 years tops.

People who complain about dating but who don't try.  "It's so hard to meet someone"...are you trying online? No. Are you going out to social events 'No'....are you open to meeting different kinds of people "No, he/she has to look like Brad Pitt/Kim Kardashian and be perfect or I'm out".  Ok...dating can suck sometimes, I concede that.  My point is that most people don't really try.  They go on 2 online dates and then can't understand why they haven't met their soul-mate.  Or they look like an Orc but refuse to date anyone who doesn't look like a Calvin Klein model.  Be open, be available, be someone you would want to date.

People who complain about the new sex-ed in Ontario.  Please get your super conservative moron faces off of my news feed.  Kids have always had sex-ed but it's so behind the time that what is currently being taught is barely relevant anymore.  They will learn it from their friends and online...wouldn't you rather they have a decently built foundation of knowledge first?  Are you really going to explain sexting to them?    I doubt it.

People who complain about their job but work there for 30 years.  Why? You spend a large chunk of your life at work, don't you want to be happy? Look for something better.  Go back to school.  Start some new initiatives to make it more enjoyable.  Sitting there and being a miserable git isn't going to make the clock tick any faster or the job more enjoyable.  After a certain amount of time of not doing anything about the problem...the problem becomes your own fault.

Nobody likes a whiner.  If you have a problem, deal with it.  If you can't fix it, at least do what you can to make it better.  Or, at least have the decency to hide your misery behind alcoholism and leave the rest of us out of it.  "Do you know who cares even less about your problems than you do?....Everybody".

If you're working at it, come complain to me all you want, you've earned it.  If you are complaining because you think the world owes you something...I will personally slap you back to the Dark Ages.

Wasted Talents

I am a person of many skills and talents...no really, I am.  The fact is that I just can't list most of them on a resumé.  If I could be completely honest about the things I'm best at, my resumé would be 15 pages long...and I would be perpetually unemployed.

So here is my true resumé with all of my true skills..

- I can speak almost entirely in Simpsons quotes.
- I can fall asleep just about anywhere, anytime
- I speak some Polish...all of it offensive.
- I can turn any conversation dirty is less than 3 seconds.
- I am a master at finding a good sale
- I can remember completely pointless trivia
- I almost never forget anyone's birthday, even if I haven't seen them in years.
- I always have a pun ready...a really bad pun.
- I can watch the same tv shows over and over in repeat and never tire of them
- I can make an entire large pizza disappear
- I can believe it's not butter
- I have the unique ability to trip over air
- I can watch Ghostbusters 2 and enjoy it
- I once completed a 25x25 Sudoku puzzle
- I can spend 2 hours doing my hair and still manage to have a bad hair day
- I can think of more than 20 excuses not to go to the gym in under 4 seconds
- I can convert healthy eating and exercise into fat....somehow
- I can listen to you attentively for hours on end and still not give a sh*t
- I can tell the difference between Coke and Pepsi
- I have never caved in to pressure and watched The Notebook
- I can pretty much recite all Harry Potter books from memory
- I let the dogs out
- I once almost touched my toes
- I am fluent in sarcasm...because that's useful...
- My desk drawer is stocked with just about anything you could ever need for any situation

These are a few of my LEAST favourite things

I often think of things that annoy me but they don't quite have enough meat in them to sustain their own rant, so I am compiling them into this list of little shitty moments.  For most of them, one of these isn't enough to ruin your entire day, but pick any 3 and have them all occur within a 24-hour period, and that day is a write-off.

- Not being able to wear the outfit you'd mentally prepared to wear
- Making tea/coffee and discovering that there's no milk
- Getting to the street corner when the counter is a '3'...because you're a dick if you start crossing but it's still an extra 3 seconds you have to stand at what is technically a green light and feel dumb.
- Taking a sip of your tea and it's ice cold
- Not having hot water
- Someone not saying 'thank you'
- Tripping in public
- Replying immediately to a text you've received only to not get a response...what did you do, text me then throw the phone out of the window?
- Meeting up with someone who is more than 15 minutes late and they didn't bother to text or call
- Stepping in a puddle and it soaks your sock
- Socks in general...f**k socks
- Your team losing....trust me, I'm a Leafs fan, I know this feeling better than most
- Realizing it's not pay week until next week.
- Being on hold
- When the item you want is finally on sale but they don't have your size
- Getting stuck behind someone who is making a return or has to hassle the cashier
- People who argue for the sake of argument...go deal with your anger issues on your own time
- Teenagers...all of them...always
- Getting stuck behind people who walk abysmally slow and not being able to get around them
- Someone who doesn't hold the door open for you
- When they don't have any good soup at your favourite lunch spot...this happened to me yesterday and I'm still bitter.
- Getting to work and realizing that the look you thought was 'hot' at home in the mirror looks ridiculous
- Lipstick on your teeth
- Fat days, bad hair days, cramp days
- Going the whole week without winning F**K ALL in Roll Up the Rim
- Getting a bitchy voicemail first thing in the morning
- Being happy that 'at least it's Thursday' only to realize it's Wednesday
- Leaving a store with a bag of stuff you bought having forgotten to buy the thing you originally went in for.
- Breaking a nail...don't pretend like it doesn't suck
- Your boss dropping by unexpectedly...it throws you off.
- Your computer freezing
- Forgetting your password for something
- Having a headache
- Having to pretend you enjoy your friend's bullsh*t inspirational quotes they always post
- Hearing that an actor or singer you like has died
- Getting into an argument via text...because those last ages
- Not knowing what you want for dinner...it's just frustration you eat
- Hearing someone misquote your favourite book or movie
- Getting blamed for something that wasn't your fault
- Going to every store in the mall and still not finding anything you like
- When the fast food place gets your order wrong
- Delays on the TTC
- Looking down and seeing a stain in your shirt or a run in your pantyhose
- When your cashier is rude for no reason
- Forgetting your headphones
- Rain when you weren't expecting it
- Your colleague being off sick
- Waking up with less than 5 minutes before your alarm goes off
- Getting a reminder call for an appointment tomorrow you totally forgot about
- Getting to the stop or station just to see your bus/train pulling away
- Calling for any kind of appointment and them not having anything available
- Explaining something 17 times and the other person still doesn't get it
- When your phone rings just as you get up to go to the washroom (although most men I know would just bring their phone in with them...cause they're gross)
- Having to go somewhere when you only have 20% battery life left on your phone


Hm, kinda got a bit long winded...but many things bother me.  So,..how's your day?

Things I wish were socially acceptable

How many times a day do you not do something because it's considered 'socially unacceptable' behaviour?  If you're anything like me, this can average in the hundreds on any given day...it can range in the thousands if it's a Monday.  Some of these things, I can make my peace with why they cannot be allowed in every day society...such as pushing people into traffic, stabbing people in the eye and not wearing clothing whenever one feels like it.  There are, however, some social conventions I wish would just magically become 'ok' in everyday society...no stigma, no awkward transition period of acceptance...just totally cool.  

- Telling someone that yes, those pants do make you look fat.

- Telling loud talking/obnoxious people to shut the hell up

- Scratching your butt when it's really really itchy (I will admit, this one would have to have limits)

- Calling an asshole an asshole

- Telling a server/waitress that your order is messed up without having to feel guilty

- Not tipping the hairdresser who just butchered your head...because you know you do it.

- Telling someone that their baby is ugly, because frankly, I'm tired of 'liking' the picture of your gargoyle looking spawn just so as not to be rude.

- Shoving someone out of the way who got there after you but tries to enter the subway/bus/building first.

- Wearing sneakers with absolutely everything...because I'm not friends with heels...they hurt.

- Declining a wedding, party, shower etc simply because you just don't want to go.

- Having 10 cats

- Drinking a beer before noon...this is just silly

- Telling someone they have food in their teeth...because I'd want someone to tell me that I have a chicken wing dangling in my molar.

- Throwing a temper tantrum as an adult

- Wearing feety pyjamas to work

- Being rolled around in stroller as an adult when you're just that tired

- Pointing directly at people who are very obviously being a douchebag

- Unfriending people without it being 'a thing'

- Calling BS on people who say that they can relate to your situation but you know they're full of crap

- Yelling "Move It!" to people who are in the way

- Wearing a petticoat... because why the hell not

- Febreezing someone who sits next to you who smells awful

- Not having to pretend that the large amount of fast food that you're buying is for multiple people...just admit you're pigging out fellow oinkers!

- Drinking beer at work, because that's where I need one the most!

- Let's all stop pretending that we don't text while on the toilet

- High fiving strangers for being awesome- because sometimes I do actually want to do this (like the guy on the subway this morning with a kickass Bowie tshirt)

I'm sure if I applied more brain power I could add a million more to this list- so comment me yours :)  In the meantime, I'm going to enjoy a socially acceptable beer in my bathtub while wearing a Pope costume and watching offensive videos.

World Problems

I often see 'First World Problems' as a hashtag...which is fine...but it makes me wonder what other world problems we're missing out on...here are a few from the 'others':

Those Romulans are so mean to me   #OtherWorldProblems

It's so freaking dark down here!   #UnderworldProblems 

My family keeps dying from new diseases foreign to us   #NewWorldProblems

I've been brainwashed by the dystopian state! #BraveNewWorldproblems 

I hate Howie Mandel!  #BobbysWorldProblems 

Zombie....need.....brains   #WorldWarZProblems 

Has anyone seem my helm of invisibility?   #WorldofWarcraftProblems

Someone please make Robin Williams shut up!!!  #WorldAccordingtoGarpProblems

This magic carpet needs some seat belts!! #AWholeNewWorldProblems
 
 Stop confusing us with wrestling, we save animals  #WorldWildlifeFederationProblems

I don't care what Fogg says, we're lost dammit!   #AroundtheWorldinEightyDaysProblems

OMG he's got a probe! #WaroftheWorldsProblems

Car!............Game on!   #WaynesWorldProblems

AAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!   #EndoftheWorldProblems