A Geek's Guide to Being a Leafs Fan

A new life form has been born...the hockey geek.

Long has there existed the belief that being a jock and being a geek are two circles on a Venn diagram that shall never meet.  Jocks and geeks are the age-old school rivals who never get along and are supposed to be polar opposites.  It's believed that a geek who loves Star Wars, Star Trek and Warcraft could never follow sports and that a jock who captains his football team would rather beat up a LARPer than join them.  The world, however, is changing; geek chic is in.  Thanks to things like ComicCon, Big Bang Theory and Bill Nye, the geek way of life is just as cool as the jock ever was.  The once clear lines drawn between these two social groupings is blurred- to the point where Fan Expo even has a sports section.  As one of these new era crossbreeds, it's easy to see apprehension on both sides, jocks and geeks alike are nervous to cross that boundary as there is a lot of knowledge to catch up on when you join a new fandom, be it the wizarding world of Harry Potter or the Yankees dynasty.

To help simplify for my fellow geeks who are eyeing the Leafs franchise with nervous interest, here is a little help in understanding the current state of affairs.

The Geek's Guide to Being a Leafs Fan

This story beings a long long time ago in a galaxy far far away...1917 Toronto.  The Toronto Arenas are born into a newly forming league called the National Hockey Association.  Due to an evil presence in the galaxy known as Eddie Livingstone, the team and the league underwent many changes, becoming the Toronto St.Pat's of the NHL from 1919-1927 and finally, the Toronto Maple Leafs of the NHL in 1927. A franchise is born.

We join the story in modern day. A New Hope.

It has been a dark age for the Toronto Maple Leafs, having only made the playoffs once since 2003-2004 season in which we were brutally knocked out by Boston.  We have not won a Stanley Cup since 1967 and our heroes have scattered.  Without a strong leader (captain) to rally around, the team finished last in the league in 2016 and it seemed that our Leafs were doomed to fall to the evil lord...Gary Bettman.

Gary Bettman, a man who looks like Gollum and the Count from Sesame Street with the voice of a hideous cross between John McCain and Fran Drescher.  Bent on the destruction of the Canadian hockey market, evil Lord Bettman has been corrupted by the American dollar and builds new franchises in places that hockey cannot live while leaving formerly blooming hockey hotbeds in Canada to wither and fail. Choking the life out of the Quebec expansion bid, adding to his desert arsenal with another laughable non-hockey city team, Lord Bettman sits atop his hockey throne blowing his nose with a Canadian flag and punching Canadian geese.

In the shadow of the evil Lord Bettman sits an old master, his glory days behind him but with much wisdom to share.  Master Shanahan looked upon the team with hope and has been meticulously forming and developing his Shanaplan to bring this team back to glory.  He called upon an old friend who he knew he could still trust and Obi Wan...I mean Mike Babcock, came to Toronto to coach.  Completing his Jedi council, Master Shanahan snagged his former master Mace Wind-Lou Lamoriello to be GM.  With a strong council united with purpose, they sought a chosen one who would be their beacon of light and lead the team into its new age.

And then it happened....

"With the number one pick overall in the 2016 NHL Entry Draft, the Toronto Maple Leafs are proud to select, from the ZSC Lions of the Swiss National League A, forward Auston Matthews."

 I felt a great disturbance in the Force, as if millions of voices suddenly cried out in...joy.

Matthews is one of the most highly touted prospects in recent memory- he's young, he's good and he's from Arizona whose desert landscape could, for all intents and purposes, be Tattooine. He will need time and a lot of training by the council, (I'm picturing Shanahan on Mattthews' back "Do or do not, there is no try") .  As we look to our new chosen one to lead our team to victory over evil Lord Bettman and to reclaim glory for Toronto and Canada alike. he cannot do it alone.  Together, with the roguish puck smuggler William Nylander and giant hard-to-understand Freddy Andersen, and the slight ewok-ish Nazem Kadri, this team stands to become more powerful than you could possibly imagine.

Unfortunately, at the moment, we're still in Episode 4; we need to be patient to get to the big finale.  I guess the original blowing up of the Death Star would be equivalent to making the playoffs again.  If you're looking for instant gratification and a Stanley Cup this season, you're lookin' in Alderaan places.  (*badum bum*)

So you see, geeks and sportos aren't that different afterall; we're all fans at the end of that day.  There are good guys and bad guys, there are plot twists and turns and interesting characters.  The NHL has orcs (Zdeno Chara), long bearded wizards (Joe Thornton), house elves (Brian Gionta) and a lot of pale Swedish guys who look like they could be Data-ish looking androids.  So grab a seat, let's watch a game together and see how this one ends.

The Evolution of a Leafs fan

Ladies and gentlemen your Toronto Maple Leafs....

If you read that in Andy Frost's voice, you are probably a Leafs fan.

The Leafs, one of the NHL's oldest and most storied franchises.  A team with a history, a culture, a huge fan base and a stupid amount of money.  I first became a fan in high school when one of my friends brought me to a game in October; we stood in the nosebleeds and although I only knew a few players' names, I found myself cheering as loud as anyone.  I was hooked pretty quickly and it was then that my fandom was born and from whence it began to evolve.

Because every Leafs' fan evolves;  with the rises and falls of a long loved team, our relationships with that team start to take on different stages as time goes on.  You may not have hit all of the stages just yet, but just wait, you'll get there....and if any group of people knows about waiting...it's Leafs fans.  Maybe this current 'Shanaplan' is your first taste of a rebuild, maybe you remember when Wendel had hair or maybe you remember when the 1919 cup was cancelled to Spanish Flu (because unlike soccer, hockey players only sit out when there's a likely chance of death).  They call it 'the passion that unites us all', I call it the abusive relationship I'll never leave, but however you look at it....a Leafs fan is a fan for life, no matter the stage.


Stage 1- Baby Bud.

 Maybe you've just watched your first game or maybe you've joined the hockey pool at work on a whim and find yourself getting into it...either way, you've just met hockey.  It's fun, exciting and new.  There are so many teams to learn, so many rules to try to remember (oh THAT's what an icing call is...they don't just stop for cupcakes at random intervals.)  You're eager to learn but you're still too nervous to identify yourself as a Leafs fan as you don't want to get quizzed on 100 years of history when you've only just learned how to spell Shanahan.  You don't really know about the rest of the league other than knowing instinctively that Ottawa is a shit-hole.

Stage 2- Bud.

You've been watching a couple of months and know all the players names, positions, numbers and which countries they are from (hockey fandom is a great geography lesson).  You still don't quite understand everybody's roles...you know who scores and which goalie is the number one.  You feel confident enough to say 'yes' when someone says 'did you see that game last night?', but not confident enough to ask that yourself.  You're familiar with the all-star level players around the league and you are already developing a healthy hatred for Montreal.  You listen attentively to the commentators to try to learn what you should be watching for, which nuances and trends to keep an eye on and look at the sport like a pro.

Stage 3- Sprout

You've watched a full season.  You have seen some streaks, good and bad.  You understand your team dynamics a bit better and more or less understand each team member's role.  You watch every single game, you'll even make your plans around game time.  You've started looking in to team history a bit, learning the classic names like Clark, Sittler, Bower, Horton, etc.  You're now fully aware that this team hasn't won since 1967, but that doesn't really mean anything to you- other sports have had longer droughts.  You've watched your first All-Star game and already agree that they suck.  You know that there's a draft at the end of the season but you're not there yet.  You know that July 1st is an important day,,,,but you're not entirely sure what happens.  You know which commentators are better than others; you despise Glenn Healey and Strombo but you revere Bob McKenzie.

Stage 4- Leafling

It's been a couple of seasons, you've seen other teams hoist the cup and it's made you hungry for playoffs.  You know all the teams and all the star players and are the first to defend the Leafs no matter what anyone says.  Everyone sucks but the Leafs and anyone who cheers from another team is an idiot (if they are a Philly fan, this is justified for eternity).  You go to every tail gate party and only miss a game if you really have to (i.e. an inconsiderate family funeral without HD).  If you're lucky enough to see them in the playoffs, you're up and down Yonge Street honking in a car or waving a flag.  At this point, you're most likely to start eyeing Leaf tattoos.  You jump in to every hockey conversation you overhear, you're eager to prove yourself.  You still trust the management.

Stage 5- Leafs Fan

You're a veteran.  You love them...but now you also are cautious of them...like an ex who has hurt you but you took them back anyways.  You've seen them do nothing on Trade Deadline day (or worse, sign Aki Berg), you've been gouged for ticket prices a year after missing the playoffs...and maybe some of your favourites have retired or taken higher paying contracts with other teams (and they say it's because they want a cup, but did Vancouver give you a cup?? Did it Mats? Did it?!?!) You're familiar with all the players on every team, you refuse to watch All-Star games and have taken an interest in the minor leagues.  You have respect for the other teams and can understand their fans (not Buffalo though).  You're seeing players less as idols, more as commodities, because if you have to lose that much-loved player to get the man who is going to help you win and free-up cap space, so be it. You wear your wounds with pride, and your many jerseys, hats, shirts, etc.  You talk about previous seasons like war vets speak of battles (oh, the strike of 2004, that was a cold year, with no hockey to watch for nigh on 12 months...September 15th 2004 shall live in infamy)

Stage 6- Your Dad

It's the stage everyone fears and vows never to reach...but we all do.  You've become your father.  You'll catch the odd game here and there, usually not missing them because you're busy, but you just can't be bothered to watch those overpaid punks in the 'new hockey' because it's not the game you grew to love.  It's a bunch of millionaires playing for billionaires in a bastardized version of a once-great game.  In your day, goalies didn't wear more armour than a Game of Thrones episode.  In your day, people could actually have a fight, and the fighters would shake hands afterwards.  In your day, shootout was a bad word.  3-on-3?  That was something that happened at bachelor parties, not hockey games!  You know you've reached this stage when you first say "He's not as good as (insert retired payer) was".  That tattoo you got as a Leafling maybe has a few little sags in it...you said you'd get the year they won the Cup tattooed beside it....but that space is still blank...isn't it.  You are quick to dismiss any good news, claiming they don't know what they're doing or they'll screw it up.  It's not that you don't want them to do well, you wish them well...but you just can't keep letting yourself get hurt.

Stage 7- Your Grandfather

You watch one, maybe two games a year, and usually only if someone else is around and they put it on.  There is no joy left in you in the modern day team, you can't pronounce the player names, not that they would hold a candle to your old time players.  Half the teams you grew up with have collapsed or moved to other cities that should never have hockey in them (3 teams in California?! 2 in Florida??).  You long for the old days when players had respect, were allowed to play and hockey was hockey.  When asked if you're a hockey fan, you reply 'I used to be', but....although you don't admit it, you still get a little smile during playoff time...you have been hurt for too long to get your hopes up, but you still hold that flame, deep down, to see the Cup come to Toronto.  Your jerseys are in the back of the closet or maybe in an old box or bag, they haven't seen the light of day in a very long time. however you would never dream of getting rid of them.  Like Yoda teaching Luke, you have paid your dues and the new generation can spend their energy chasing the dream but you still want to see the Sith defeated (Gary Bettman).


In conclusion, my dear blue bloods, Leaf fans come in many shapes, sizes, genders, nationalities and stages.  We may evolve at different rates and times, but we share the love of our team at the core center of it all and our hearts beat to the chant of 'Go Leafs Go'.  No matter what, we can all agree....Kerry Fraser can eat a giant bag of dicks.

Some notes on my beloved Toronto

I'm as close to being considered a 'world traveler' as Kim Kardashian is to being considered a scholar.  I was born and raised in the city in which I still reside, Toronto, Ontario, Canada.  I am very Canadian... I love Tim Hortons, I watch hockey, I hold doors open for people, I speak French and I love poutine.  I didn't start leaving Canada to visit other places until later in my 20's and more so now in my 30's (although I still maintain that my age is perpetually 24).  The list of cities/countries outside of Canada to which I have been is very short, especially compared to most of my friends, many of whom have been on more trips than I have failed diets attempts.  However, while my travels are limited and none can be considered exotic, each one has given me new appreciations and lamentations regarding the hometown to which I return at the end of each journey. So here I lay out some of the new perspectives, wishes, complaints and perhaps even ideas that I have brought back with me to Toronto, for Toronto.

The number one issue is the one I think all Torontonians would agree with...public transit.  The TTC sucks the big one in so many ways when you compare our transit system on a global scale.  New York City and London may have much larger populations than Toronto by 2, 3, maybe even 4 times over...but their transit systems outshine ours in exponents that can only be calculated by NASA.  We have 3.5 subway lines for the largest population in Canada and a city that is building so many condos in the downtown core it's as if they have a hoarding problem.  Only 2 of the lines are ever really used, because the only time the Sheppard line is ever used is when people without cars need to go to IKEA.  The Scarborough "SRT" line isn't a subway....it's pretty much just a bus in a cave.  Looking at a map of London's underground, it's so thorough and complex it's its own small city.  If you don't live on Yonge Street or Bloor/Danforth, Toronto's subway is useless.  Even if you do...do not bother trying to ride it at any given rush hour as the capacity is roughly 10% of the actual human traffic.  To top it off, what's our big solution?  Building a line nobody wants or will use in Scarborough....*slow clap*  bravo.  At least I can say that our subway cars are nicely air conditioned....lookin at you Rome metro! 40 degrees, jammed in like sardines and no air conditioning? Is Caligula back in charge?

History.  Canadians don't have much of it, we're not even officially 150 years old yet while some European cities are so old they were built by cro-magnon man.  Having recently visited the "Eternal City" aka Rome, Italy...you cannot help but develop an extra large sense of appreciation for history.  Their prize ruins are exactly that, ruined pieces of once monumental buildings from an age long dead; ruined by barbarian invaders, pollution, nature and time.  But they are still there.  They are preserved, valued, kept up, prized and studied.  They live modernly alongside history in a way that should be more of an example to other cities.  I don't think Toronto has said 'no' to a request to tear down a beautiful old building...ever.  Toronto doesn't blink an eye at the idea of tearing down something old and historic to throw up some ugly new condo building as long as the right amount of money changes hands.  Walk along the river Tiber and look at the buildings along the water.  Now walk along the waterfront of Lake Ontario and look at the sea of concrete and glass condos....makes you want to throw up in your mouth.  I am all for progress and development in the city...please do tear down some of the ugly useless buildings and make them bigger and better...but if I see one more century old building that's as old as Toronto being torn down for some concrete tower...I'm moving to Barrie. (not really, that's gross).  I realize I could also praise London and Edinburgh for their gorgeous old buildings...but Rome is the gold standard.

Food. This one I will say, each city has its strengths.  Toronto has amazing variety of food, it's a great place to be a foodie because you can find any cuisine imaginable offered somewhere in the city.  Rome...the quality of the ingredients is just unparalleled, it's all so fresh and nurtured that the food has to be super simple otherwise you lose the fresh tastes.  I will dream of that buffalo mozzarella and prosciutto for the rest of my days.  New York.,..American portion sizes are enough to solve world hunger.  They give you enough food on one plate to keep you full for a week.  Montreal, your poutine should have its own religion.  London....umm...well....I approve of the high levels of tea availability. I'm not even including Edinburgh in this...you should be ashamed.

Public washrooms.  I'm a woman...I need to pee frequently.  Toronto is great for washrooms...if you need to go, you're probably within a 5 minute walk of a decent bathroom.  London is also great, they have pay toilets but it's very cheap and just ensures that they are funded to be cleaned...one I went into even had a hair drier and a hair straightener....genius!  New York...they were fairly frequent but pretty hepatitis-y.  A lot of trying not to touch anything and always hover-pee.  Montreal....I really don't know...I spent so much time so drunk that I don't know what I did or where I went.  Rome...oh Rome....you bastards.  Not only are there zero washrooms anywhere but the ones they do have are more like torture devices.  Did people not pee in BC times? Did Michelangelo not need a potty break when painting the Sistine? Bah!

Art.  Rome has the Sistine Chapel, works older than most civilizations and sculpture that would bring a blind man to his knees.  London has some of the most beautiful treasures ever found from the world over (granted, most of them not created in England....*cough* Greek).  Montreal's art exhibitions are always super impressive and hip.  New York embodies art in so many ways outside of the staggering art museums that it's everywhere.  Toronto....umm....we...don't match up.  The AGO? Good god, the building itself looks like something a 2nd year architecture student sneezed out and the most impressive shows we get are Andy Warhol's 3rd cousin's uncle's sketchbook rejects.  Our taste in art as a city on the whole seems to reflect in our huge buildings...flat, boring, unoriginal.  We have small pockets of great stuff...but going to a museum or 'big' show in Toronto is just... exactly.

So those are my chosen 5 categories...there are a million other comparisons that could be made but I feel like these first few would be a good start to improving the prospects for my humble T-dot.  Perhaps after my next planned destination (Paris) I will have more insight...if nothing else into the French-English rivalry that Toronto-Montreal can quasi join in on.  So...how do I send this to John Tory to get a move on? He seems to be on Breakfast Television every other day...time to stalk Frankish!

These are a few of my LEAST favourite things

I often think of things that annoy me but they don't quite have enough meat in them to sustain their own rant, so I am compiling them into this list of little shitty moments.  For most of them, one of these isn't enough to ruin your entire day, but pick any 3 and have them all occur within a 24-hour period, and that day is a write-off.

- Not being able to wear the outfit you'd mentally prepared to wear
- Making tea/coffee and discovering that there's no milk
- Getting to the street corner when the counter is a '3'...because you're a dick if you start crossing but it's still an extra 3 seconds you have to stand at what is technically a green light and feel dumb.
- Taking a sip of your tea and it's ice cold
- Not having hot water
- Someone not saying 'thank you'
- Tripping in public
- Replying immediately to a text you've received only to not get a response...what did you do, text me then throw the phone out of the window?
- Meeting up with someone who is more than 15 minutes late and they didn't bother to text or call
- Stepping in a puddle and it soaks your sock
- Socks in general...f**k socks
- Your team losing....trust me, I'm a Leafs fan, I know this feeling better than most
- Realizing it's not pay week until next week.
- Being on hold
- When the item you want is finally on sale but they don't have your size
- Getting stuck behind someone who is making a return or has to hassle the cashier
- People who argue for the sake of argument...go deal with your anger issues on your own time
- Teenagers...all of them...always
- Getting stuck behind people who walk abysmally slow and not being able to get around them
- Someone who doesn't hold the door open for you
- When they don't have any good soup at your favourite lunch spot...this happened to me yesterday and I'm still bitter.
- Getting to work and realizing that the look you thought was 'hot' at home in the mirror looks ridiculous
- Lipstick on your teeth
- Fat days, bad hair days, cramp days
- Going the whole week without winning F**K ALL in Roll Up the Rim
- Getting a bitchy voicemail first thing in the morning
- Being happy that 'at least it's Thursday' only to realize it's Wednesday
- Leaving a store with a bag of stuff you bought having forgotten to buy the thing you originally went in for.
- Breaking a nail...don't pretend like it doesn't suck
- Your boss dropping by unexpectedly...it throws you off.
- Your computer freezing
- Forgetting your password for something
- Having a headache
- Having to pretend you enjoy your friend's bullsh*t inspirational quotes they always post
- Hearing that an actor or singer you like has died
- Getting into an argument via text...because those last ages
- Not knowing what you want for dinner...it's just frustration you eat
- Hearing someone misquote your favourite book or movie
- Getting blamed for something that wasn't your fault
- Going to every store in the mall and still not finding anything you like
- When the fast food place gets your order wrong
- Delays on the TTC
- Looking down and seeing a stain in your shirt or a run in your pantyhose
- When your cashier is rude for no reason
- Forgetting your headphones
- Rain when you weren't expecting it
- Your colleague being off sick
- Waking up with less than 5 minutes before your alarm goes off
- Getting a reminder call for an appointment tomorrow you totally forgot about
- Getting to the stop or station just to see your bus/train pulling away
- Calling for any kind of appointment and them not having anything available
- Explaining something 17 times and the other person still doesn't get it
- When your phone rings just as you get up to go to the washroom (although most men I know would just bring their phone in with them...cause they're gross)
- Having to go somewhere when you only have 20% battery life left on your phone


Hm, kinda got a bit long winded...but many things bother me.  So,..how's your day?

Commandments of Transit and the 7 Deadly Sins of Commuting

Anyone who knows me had to know that this subject was going to come up soon.  I spend a lot of time commuting on public transit, and I mean a lot…like…too much.  I use 2 transit systems to get to and from work as well as a third when I have to visit family…so I am quite well versed in the transit of the GTA.  Subways, buses, east/west, north/south, I take them all.  As such, I see a lot of people in a day, different types of people from every walk of life (except the rich who can afford cars).  Given that I see so many people, no matter how different they may seem, many seem to be prone to committing the same common infractions of transit users that I truly believe should be inscribed on a stone tablet upon a mountain as the “Commandments of Transit”.  I have, so far, devised what shall henceforth be known as the 7 Deadly Sins of Commuting:

1. Thou shalt let people off first- letting people get off the bus/subway before you shove yourself in is pretty basic. The bus driver can see you and isn't going to just leave you there.  The subway stops are designed to allow for the general flow of traffic at the station to get off and then on in that order. Violating this commandment does allow me to shoulder-check you out of the way.

2. Thou shalt not bring thy bicycle onto transit vehicles- You are a douchebag if you bring your bicycle into the subway or onto the bus.  Especially is you bring it into the bus because most TTC buses have racks on the outside meant for them.  You are bringing a mode of transportation onto another form of transportation, so you're both a douchebag and superfluous.  Those things take up so much room, and why? Because you couldn't bike the whole way? Then don't take your bike you damn hippie!

3. Thou shalt mind thy bags- Did you pay two fares? No? Then you don't get two seats, move your freakin' bags.  If you are blocking the seats with your shopping bags and you roll your eyes at me when I ask to sit down and make you move your oh-so-precious bags...I will pick them up and beat you over the head with them.  If you bring a thousand bags onto the bus or subway (especially during rush hour), you either need to take a cab or re-think your shopping strategies.

4. Thou shalt give up your seat- God help you if I see you not give your seat to a person in need! If you are sitting down and someone who needs a seat is standing near you (handicapped, disabled, pregnant, elderly etc.) then you are the worst kind of person.  I declare every right to yank you out of your seat by the scruff of your hair and toss you out of the moving vehicle.  I don't care if you're tired, if your feet hurt etc...get the hell out of that seat when someone needs it more than you do.

5. Thou shalt not talk to the driver-  Need directions? Google them. If you want to double check that the bus or subway is going the direction that you need, fine, ask away, but do not proceed to then ask them how to complete your entire transit adventure...look it up before you get on.  I don't need to be stuck at a stop because your stupid ass cannot figure out that Bay is west of Yonge or that you need to change buses somewhere.  The driver also does not want to hear about your day, your friend who worked on a bus or anything other than the sound of you not speaking...just let them do their jobs in peace.

6. Thou shalt not sit next to me- The general rule is that you should not sit next to someone unless it is unavoidable.  If there is a spot where you can sit and not be next to anyone, that is the spot you take.  I don't want someone next to me if at all possible, so if I am sitting alone in a two seater and there is another empty two seater...do not come sit next to me...that is like taking the urinal beside another man, you just don't do it.  If the bus/subway is busy, then fine, sit, but stay on your side, don't talk to me and if you start being noisy in anyway, I will jab you with my elbow into your ribcage.

7. Thou shalt shut the hell up- This is simple...be quiet.  If you yammer away on your cellphone on a bus, or chat incessantly with your friend(s) on the bus/subway, you need to know that every person around you wants to rip out your vocal chords.  

Now go forth and spread this gospel.