People I wish would just go away

It's a long weekend Friday, so instead of attempting to gather my thoughts into a coherent rant, I'm just going to list a bunch of people or types of people I wish would simply 'go away' forever:

People who speak at length on the phone on the bus
Mariah Carey
Nickleback
People who use the term YOLO or SWAG
Bieber
Beliebers
Slow Walkers
Rob Ford
Doug Ford
Doug Ford's daughter
The entire Ford family
All Ford supporters
People who don't answer their text messages
The Kardashian family
Spiders- they aren't people...but go away
People who don't like cats
Larry the Cable Guy
FOX News
Anyone who has starred in anything Disney that's not animated
Canvassers for the "Because I Am A Girl" campaign in Toronto...piss off.
People who stand at Yonge and Dundas who preach religion (except the "BELIEVE" guy)
George Lucas
Men who pop their collars
People who post inspirational Facebook memes
Anyone riding a motorcycle in the city
Ben Affleck
The majority of the American Repulican Party
People who think wrestling is real
Cyclops from X-Men
Habs Fans
Sens Fans
Denzel Washington
Gwenyth Paltrow
People who say 'Cray' or 'Cray cray' instead of 'crazy'
Women who wear 7 layers of makeup at all times
Recent Adam Sandler...old Sandler can stay
Homophobic people
People who are rude to sales staff for no reason
Teenagers
People who wear crocs, socks with sandals and/or toe shoes
Gary Bettman
Whoever keeps cancelling Futurama
Joffrey Baratheon...I don't care if he's not real.
Morning People
The City of Ottawa
Whoever writes women's tampon commercials
People in fast food places who don't decide what they want until they get to the cashier
People who order more than 3 things at Starbucks
John Mayer

There are more...there will be more lists...but for now, a Happy Friday. 

NEW ADDITIONS SEPTEMBER 5TH:

Rude customer service agents
People who only talk about themselves and their own interests
Kanye
People who crash parties
People who don't get sarcasm
Vladimir Putin
Anyone who calls Wednesday 'Hump Day'
Nick Kypreos
Anyone who has ever been on a reality TV show
People who say "literally" to describe a figurative situation or occurrence 
People who think 'yous' is a pronoun


MORE ADDITIONS SEPTEMBER 10TH

Nicolas Cage
People who don't like British comedy
Women who flip their hair in crowded areas
People who think they're too cool for Facebook
Whoever thinks airing golf on TV is a good idea
Taylor Swift (aka Tadolf Swittler)
Vegans
Kim Mitchell
Daniel Alfredsson
Guys who wear shorts in all weather conditions
Anyone who stands between me and Johnny Depp
All of CNN
People who text other people the entire time you're talking in person.
Aquaman...what a stupid superhero
Completely normal people

EVEN MORE ADDITIONS OCTOBER 3RD

People who, when you hold the door open for them, take their sweet time
Anyone who shows up to Timmy's in the morning with a list
Cheapskates
Women who try to look sexy by wearing uncomfortable shoes then are always in the way as they try to hobble along looking foolish
People who don't pay attention to the news
People who insist on singing along to the music but never know the words
White girls with dreads
Leaf fans that rag on Kessel
People you haven't seen in 10 years who invite you to their stag and doe so that they can get money from you.
People who stand near the end of a lineup but aren't actually in line.
 

Things I wish were socially acceptable

How many times a day do you not do something because it's considered 'socially unacceptable' behaviour?  If you're anything like me, this can average in the hundreds on any given day...it can range in the thousands if it's a Monday.  Some of these things, I can make my peace with why they cannot be allowed in every day society...such as pushing people into traffic, stabbing people in the eye and not wearing clothing whenever one feels like it.  There are, however, some social conventions I wish would just magically become 'ok' in everyday society...no stigma, no awkward transition period of acceptance...just totally cool.  

- Telling someone that yes, those pants do make you look fat.

- Telling loud talking/obnoxious people to shut the hell up

- Scratching your butt when it's really really itchy (I will admit, this one would have to have limits)

- Calling an asshole an asshole

- Telling a server/waitress that your order is messed up without having to feel guilty

- Not tipping the hairdresser who just butchered your head...because you know you do it.

- Telling someone that their baby is ugly, because frankly, I'm tired of 'liking' the picture of your gargoyle looking spawn just so as not to be rude.

- Shoving someone out of the way who got there after you but tries to enter the subway/bus/building first.

- Wearing sneakers with absolutely everything...because I'm not friends with heels...they hurt.

- Declining a wedding, party, shower etc simply because you just don't want to go.

- Having 10 cats

- Drinking a beer before noon...this is just silly

- Telling someone they have food in their teeth...because I'd want someone to tell me that I have a chicken wing dangling in my molar.

- Throwing a temper tantrum as an adult

- Wearing feety pyjamas to work

- Being rolled around in stroller as an adult when you're just that tired

- Pointing directly at people who are very obviously being a douchebag

- Unfriending people without it being 'a thing'

- Calling BS on people who say that they can relate to your situation but you know they're full of crap

- Yelling "Move It!" to people who are in the way

- Wearing a petticoat... because why the hell not

- Febreezing someone who sits next to you who smells awful

- Not having to pretend that the large amount of fast food that you're buying is for multiple people...just admit you're pigging out fellow oinkers!

- Drinking beer at work, because that's where I need one the most!

- Let's all stop pretending that we don't text while on the toilet

- High fiving strangers for being awesome- because sometimes I do actually want to do this (like the guy on the subway this morning with a kickass Bowie tshirt)

I'm sure if I applied more brain power I could add a million more to this list- so comment me yours :)  In the meantime, I'm going to enjoy a socially acceptable beer in my bathtub while wearing a Pope costume and watching offensive videos.

World Problems

I often see 'First World Problems' as a hashtag...which is fine...but it makes me wonder what other world problems we're missing out on...here are a few from the 'others':

Those Romulans are so mean to me   #OtherWorldProblems

It's so freaking dark down here!   #UnderworldProblems 

My family keeps dying from new diseases foreign to us   #NewWorldProblems

I've been brainwashed by the dystopian state! #BraveNewWorldproblems 

I hate Howie Mandel!  #BobbysWorldProblems 

Zombie....need.....brains   #WorldWarZProblems 

Has anyone seem my helm of invisibility?   #WorldofWarcraftProblems

Someone please make Robin Williams shut up!!!  #WorldAccordingtoGarpProblems

This magic carpet needs some seat belts!! #AWholeNewWorldProblems
 
 Stop confusing us with wrestling, we save animals  #WorldWildlifeFederationProblems

I don't care what Fogg says, we're lost dammit!   #AroundtheWorldinEightyDaysProblems

OMG he's got a probe! #WaroftheWorldsProblems

Car!............Game on!   #WaynesWorldProblems

AAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!   #EndoftheWorldProblems

 

 

 




 

Hey Fatty!

For as long as I can remember, I’ve lived the life of a fat girl.  Even though I have lost 50 pounds over the past 15 months and am now considered to be within my ideal range, my mind is still that of a fat girl.

So, to all of you people who are skinny, slim, never had a weight issue and your biggest flaw is ‘broad shoulders’ or ‘slightly wide hips’ or even ‘short legs’ but you still complain…I would like to officially ask you to kiss my flabby white ass.

I cannot tell you how many girls I know who have never been so much as a pound overweight (I mean medically speaking, not just ‘I am fatter than perfect ideal body tone’) who do nothing but incessantly talk about their weight, how they’re fat, how they need to lose weight…etc etc.  I would just like to say, on behalf of all of the women who are fighting actual weight issues…F-U.  Seriously…F-U…F-U in all the ways you can be eff’ed. 

Obesity is one of the few physical issues in society that it is not just ok to make fun of, but it’s quite encouraged.  Nothing seems to make people happier than seeing a celebrity get fat (Britney Spears, Kim Kardashian, Jessica Simpson etc).  In my brain, there is a part of me that is evil and vindictive that thinks “Good, now you’ll know what it’s like on the other side”…but also a part of me hurts for them because now they will know just how cruel people can be.  (The rest of my brain is devoted to cat videos, Simpsons quotes and thinking of ways to fit the word ‘accoutrement’ into as many sentences as I can).

As a young pre-teen and teenager, I was mercilessly mocked, both openly and behind my back by people I thought were my friends, because I was fat.  I do attribute having developed a pretty good sense of humour to this because I always figured “if I can’t be pretty, maybe I can at least make them laugh, then they won’t make fun of me”.  While this has resulted in my being awesome in the ways of bad jokes, puns and comedy…this doesn’t mean I wouldn’t love to reap vengeance on all of those who made my formative years all the more painful. (Currently my plan involves 3 car batteries, a team of highly trained badgers and a substance that has only been clinically identified as ‘Project One’). 

When it comes to weight, everyone seems to think that they’re a doctor…it’s like how everyone who doesn’t smoke feels the need to tell a smoker that cigarettes are bad for you….HOLY SH*T! REALLY?! I bet you they had no idea!  Thank you Doctor Obvious for pointing that out!  You’ve saved their lives!  Oh happy day!  That news just shook their world!!!  Oh…the tears of joy!!!!!  Had enough sarcasm?  Get off your high horses people and keep your ‘well intentioned’ but complete BS advice to yourself…or else I’m going to cram that kale smoothie you’re telling me about right up your jigger (you get to guess where that is).

It’s a total social taboo for a childless person to give a parent advice on raising their kid, so does that not apply here?  Giving someone advice on something you know nothing about is about as arrogant, useless and douchy as a Kanye West interview. Unless you know what it’s like to avoid shopping because of how awful you feel afterwards because nothing fits…unless you have to shop in special stores because you can’t go to ‘normal’ size stores…until you get sneers from people while you’re looking through clothing racks praying they have something that will fit…shut your word hole.

(As a quick side note: a lot of this can be empathized with by a few people I know who have struggled on the opposite end of the spectrum- with anorexia- it’s still a weight problem due to an eating disorder, so we share a lot of the troubles and pains of not being ‘ideal’ and feeling frustration with girls who complain but have no idea what it’s like to really have to struggle.)

I’m not saying that I don’t get a malicious and self-serving ego stroke from seeing pictures of the people who mocked me growing up having grown fatter and fatter…but it’s not because I want them to suffer in the same way they made me suffer (see badger-related plan), it’s because I want them to know what they did and to maybe teach their kids not to be the same little sh*theads that they were.

I won’t go into the many reasons and mental issues that brought me to my heaviest weights and how I managed to lose it after so long, blah blah blah…because, like a smoker, each person needs to find their own personal reasons to do something or else it won’t work…me sitting here blathering on about inspiration isn’t going to do it.  My message is simple…unless you’re actually fat…and I mean FAT, not ‘I could lose 5 pounds’ or ‘I don’t look like a cover model’ weight…keep your weight comments to yourself…keep your advice to yourself…and do not expect me to take the bait when you fish for compliments about your looks by whining about your waistline.

Because soon enough…I will simply just say ‘yeah, you’re right, you are fat’ and then we’ll see how you feel.

Now someone bring me a damn donut.

A Grammar Lesson

The internet and texting have ruined the English language, that much cannot really be argued.  Some terminology that has come from these sources has been accepted into the daily lexicon, such as ‘LOL’ , ‘BRB’, ‘FML’ etc.  However, these acronyms and the time saved by using them have spawned a generation of near-illiterate youth who cannot hold a pencil.

Schools are not helping, this mentality of not correcting grammar and spelling because it’s “all about the ideas”...is BS.  We have people submitting job résumés who cannot differentiate between your and you’re,  their and there, its and it’s.  English is a difficult language with a lot of grammar rules and bastardizations from other languages, this is true, but if Ozzy Osbourne and Keanu Reeves can rub together enough brain cells to speak it, you can learn how to use it properly.

So, let me spell out some of my most hated English mistakes: 

1.  They’re/their/there:  They’re going over there to get their stuff.  They’re is a contraction of the two words “they” and “are” eg. “They’re a bunch of dorks”.  Their is a possessive pronoun, “They said not to touch their stuff, so I’m going to do it anyways”.  There usually signals direction “I’m going over there” or is used in front of verbs such as “there are 15 bananas in my pants”.  

2. Could’ve and should’ve NOT Could of and should of.  The terms ‘could of’ and ‘should of’ do not exist in the English language...they only sound similar to the proper terms could’ve (a contraction of the words could and have) and should’ve (a contraction of the words should and have).  Could and should are words that are only ever used in front of verbs...so the word ‘of’ should not come after it..in fact, I think those words need to get a restraining order against the word ‘of’ to make sure it stays 50 yards away at all times.

3. I did good.    No, you most likely did not.  Most likely, you did well.  Good is an adjective or a noun..it cannot be used to describe an action.  You did not ‘do good’ on a test...you did well on a test...if you’re describing how you did something, use the word well...unless you sucked, in which case feel free to say ‘I did good’ because you’re already a failure.

4.  Spelling badly because ‘it’s just the internet’.  Yeah, and Iron Man is just a dude in a suit.  No matter how many ways you think you’ve deleted your posts and internet history, whatever you put online stays there and can be found until the world blows up from either a solar flare or a Godzilla vs Mothra throw down (shut up, it could happen).  What you post now can be seen by any and all future employers if they look hard enough, and believe me, some do.  So, do you really want to portray yourself as some slack jawed troglodyte who cannot put three words together simply because you were too lazy to hit ‘delete’ before hitting ‘send’?  This is also important if you, like most people of this upcoming generation, ever intend to try online dating.  As someone who has experience in this, I can tell you that someone who has bad grammar and spelling is immediately much less attractive as I will assume that they are poorly educated and do not take care of themselves.

5.  The use of the terms YOLO or SWAG is to be punished by death, no exceptions.

6. I’m a gonna or I’m a go do this- No, not until you go to English class first.  Unless you live in a cabin in the mountains of Appalachia, this is not considered part of our common language.  “I’m going to” is the term...learn it, use it, memorize it, and write it down on your hand in sharpie if you need to.  Next person to say “I’m a gonna” is ‘gonna’ get a swift kick from yours truly.

7. Literally- this term has become LITERALLY overused.  “OMG, I was so freaked out that it literally blew my mind!”  No it didn’t.  If that were accurate, then you would be dead and your brains would be smeared across the ground...which would be preferable to hearing you continue to mangle the language.


There we go, I have done my bit for the English speaking world at large for today.  The next time I hear any of my friends making any of the above mentioned mistakes, rest assured in knowing that I will beat them senseless with the biggest copy of the OED I can find.

The Art of Walking

As a creature with feet, humans walk...humans have always walked, even when we were barely sentient Neanderthals, we walked. It is a basic human function. 

But is it just that simple? To quote the great John Pinette..."Nay Nay"

There is an art of walking, in that there are rules that must be taught and obeyed. If you are completely flummoxed by this idea, chances are you are guilty of one or many of the oh-so common infractions of the urban biped:

1. Slow walkers: Move. Get out of the way, move to the side, or just take a bus instead. Now, this does not apply to people such as the elderly, the disabled etc- this applied to perfectly capable humans who chose to walk down the middle of the sidewalk at a pace that would suggest they are composed of sand and any swift movements would cause them to deteriorate. If you walk slowly, move to one side and let people who walk faster pass.

2. No more than 2 at a time: Two is company, three's a crowd. If you are walking in a group of more than 2 people, you are only to walk in pairs when passing on sidewalks. Three people takes up most, if not all, of the sidewalk...so you would just be sidewalk-hogs at that point. If there are three of you then one person must bite that bullet of being the third wheel that's dropped back and left behind like the soldier who didn't make it to the chopper on time (cue Willem Dafoe death in Platoon). 

3. Do not stop or stand in the middle of the sidewalk: need I explain? Really? This is the same reason you wouldn't randomly slam on your breaks and check your GPS in the middle lane of the 401 during the morning rush. If you're lost or having a chat...move to one side, otherwise people are quite justified in brusquely moving you there with their elbows, shoves and anything else they may be carrying with them.

4. Pay attention: I usually walk while I have music playing on my phone and I do check apps and text...but when you get to an intersection, look up from your handheld metal device to see if a much bigger one is about to slam into you. 

5. Walking with kids: your kids are just the cutest little things in the whole world aren't they? Well, they're in my way. Do not let your children randomly walk down the street with you leaving them to stumble about, walking in to people and holding up foot traffic. Stay to one side of the sidewalk, keep an eye on them and keep them in line. "He's just a child", yeah well, now he's just roadkill.

I will leave it at these five for now, feel free to comment your own walking nuisances. One that bothers me as well is people who drag their feet- too lazy to even lift a foot- I'm pretty sure those people are evidence of the devolution of humans.

So while we, as humans, may like to think of ourselves as the most evolved species and of a far developed intellect...the fact is that after millions of years of evolution, we still haven't even mastered walking on our own two feet.

Dear Parents...

I will preface this with the fact that I do not have kids, I have nephews, but I myself, am not a parent.

Ok, now that that’s out of the way, what the hell is wrong with parents?!? 

Let me specify…not all parents…I take issue with parents who take their kids shopping and let their little terrors roam the stores freely.

I was in the grocery store at lunch and a woman had brought her 4 kids with her, all of whom had to range in age from 4-10 years old (I’m assuming they were her kids based on the fact that most of them were loudly yelling ‘MOM’ at her while in line, begging for this treat or that or whining about god only knows what).  Two of the boys were running up and down the line, shoving into people, knocking things over and just overall being little sh*theads.  The mother stood there, reading her gossip rag, picking her 4 inch nails and sucking on her teeth.

Now please tell me why it is against the law for me to trip these children and smack their mom with my grocery basket?

I witness this same phenomenon often in the best place on Earth to see the failings of humanity….Wal-Mart!

Many parents are under the delusion that a store is a substitute for a babysitter…as through the teenager with the nametag  being paid minimum wage gives a rat’s ass about your screaming little monster’s well-being.  Is there a baby bonus if your child is abducted from a store?  Is that why they do it?  Are they regretting the spawning of their flawed DNA and are hoping that someone will randomly take them off their hands?

My basic theory is…if you aren’t going to teach your kids how to behave in public, don’t expect me to behave by not smacking the living snot out of all of you. 

“Don’t tell me how to raise my kids!”….oh yeah?  Well, don’t tell me how to drive my car after I run your ignorant behind down, get out, give your kids a list of horrible swear words and encourage them to use them at school.

On the opposite end of the spectrum, I see some parents walking with their kids on leashes…literally! A freakin leash!  You know that kid is going to have some serious attachment issues in high school.  You might as well name that kid Milton, teach him to play Dungeons and Dragons and kiss your future grandchildren goodbye.

Really, it comes down to teaching your child how to behave like a normal human being in public and teaching them just how not to be an a**hole. 

I could do a whole other rant about parents who don’t control their kids in restaurants…especially nicer restaurants like Keg where people are trying to relax, maybe celebrate and have a romantic night…but little baby screams-a-lot just wails the entire time while Mama and Papa Jerkass sit there oblivious to the fact that their pride and joy is the bane of everyone else’s existence. 

But I’ll save that for another day.