Another batch of people who need to go away

In the spirit of the frigid season, I've taken a look back and found that I have discovered more people who simply need to go away.  As I add and add to the list, I can't help but get the feeling that eventually I will have told everyone on Earth to go away, leaving only myself, Robert Downey Jr and Tom Hiddleston....my plan is working.

More people who need to simply go away:

People who stop in the middle of hallways to chat, check their phone or figure out where they're going.
People who have a problem with a black stormtrooper
Anyone...ANYONE who gets offended by Christmas.....I will stab you with the scissors I use to cut Santa Claus wrapping paper
The 2015 PanAm games....nobody cares.
Parents who post incessant photos of their horrendously ugly babies online.
Jian Gomeshi, if he likes non-consensual rough sex, just wait until prison!
Strombo...you know music...but stay the hell away from hockey.
Bill Cosby...Thanks for scarring my childhood, asshole!!!!!!
Giggling freshmen girls.....grrrrrr
Anyone who is in IKEA at the same time as me
Friends who constantly ask for your advise but never take it
The person/machine who picks the lotto numbers...boo-urns!
Anyone or anything that causes me to have to take off my onesie on a weekend morning
People who name their kids weird names...they have to live with that name .
Rich people who don't randomly want to give me money....what's up with that?
My fat cells....seriously.
Teenagers..I've mentioned them before but I really can't stress enough just how much I hate them.
People who call your work phone at 4:58pm
People who only answer text messages when they need something
Anyone who doesn't hold the door for the person behind them...it takes half a second.
Whoever agreed to allow such a huge break between seasons 3 and 4 of Sherlock.
That one friend who never plans ahead and then always expects everyone else to cover their ass
Those friends and family members who became unbearable as soon as they had kids
People who harp on me for not liking sushi...I don't want your disgusting fish and seaweed pieces of satan's taint thank you!
This winter...seriously, warm up dammit!

To the girl on the subway

This is not my usual post...it is just something I want to share.

On September 2, 2014 I received the phone call that I will never forget. I was at work in downtown Toronto and the phone call was from my father to tell me that my mother had passed away.

While her passing was expected, it was still the most painful thing to hear.

I called my boyfriend to let him know and we agreed to meet in 15 minutes at King Station to go north. I tried to keep composed as I was alone and in the busy and rigid Financial District mid-day but the tears would not yield and fell down my face as I walked and waited on the platform. I sat there, in King Station, feeling lost, alone, devastated and very embarrassed to be crying in public. I averted my gaze from the passers-by and most people looked at me the same way that they look at the homeless men outside the buildings.

And then I felt a hand on my shoulder. It was a girl, blonde hair, maybe about 27 years old. She looked me in the eyes and asked "Are you ok?" - and she meant it, the warmth of her hand and of her question were evident and genuine. I was taken aback by this stranger who literally had reached out to me. I said "I am ok, I just was told that a loved one has passed away" and forced a smile. She leaned in and said "I'm sorry. Are you alone? Do you need any help?" And when I said that my boyfriend would be along shortly to meet me, she immediately offered to stay with me until he arrived.

She did not have to do this. I could hve been crazy, dangerous, mean etc. but she saw a person who looked like they were in need and she reached out. 

I never got her name but whoever you are, I think of you as my "subway angel". That type of act of kindness was something my mother would have done. This random act of kindness brought me a reminder of how good the world can be when my world looked so dark. My loss made me feel so lost but your hand on my shoulder felt like a guide.

I hope you know, subway angel, that you made a difference that day. Maybe you were scared I was going to jump, but whatever made you do it, I will always remember your kindness.

Sins of the Grocery Store

Most of us are aware of the 7 deadly sins from the Bible, however we also all know that there are much more abhorrent sins that were somehow left off that crucial list.  There is a place in which many crimes against humanity occur and the moment I mention it, you will all agree....it is the grocery store.  The grocery store, such a harmless seeming place, provider of such basics and essentials of life, yet a place so steeped in evil, a place of so many unspeakably hideous misdeeds against fellow humans and nature itself that it could easily be classified as its own circle of infernal damnation.  If you think I'm exaggerating, just think of the last time that you were standing in a line at the local grocery store and the old woman at the front of the line pulled out her little change purse...I bet you felt the same dragon fire fuelled anger that we all have when we see Satan's little coin purse emerging from the flowery oversized handbag.

Here a list of just a few of the common sins committed in the aisles of your local food emporium:


Leaving your cart out in the middle of the aisle.  Seriously, most grocery store aisles are only big enough for two carts passing each other if both are paying attention- so leaving your cart out in the middle of the aisle while you try to climb a shelf for that last box of $0.49 spam is not helping.  I will ram your cart and/or move it out of the way and don't you dare scoff or sneer at me when I do it, you're lucky I didn't shove it into you.  You don't leave your car in the middle of the road when you park, so why leave a cart in the middle of grocery traffic.

Bringing your children to the grocery store.  Ok, I get that sometimes you don't have a choice and you can't leave the kids in the car for an hour while you get your shopping done...but I do want you to know that the moment you walk in there with kids...everyone already hates you.  Kids should not be in grocery stores, and they don't want to be there either.  They are not your little helpers, they are my little nuisances.  They are loud, annoying, get in the way, make a mess, scream way too often and God help you if you're one of those parents who lets their kids run around in the store...I will impale those children on a baguette and laugh as I stuff them into the panini maker.  Every time I hear 'Mom, can I have....' I turn around and say 'No, dear child, you cannot have what you want because life isn't fair and there is no Santa Claus.'

Asking the clerk for every ingredient and food preparatory question about the product.  This is always the worst at deli counters...it's meat or meat-like substances....if you want specialty, go to the specialty butcher and get your fat ass out of the way, you're blocking the ham.  You can ask a question of two such as 'is that pepper' or maybe 'does that have dairy in it?'...any more than two questions and I'm taking your little numbered ticket...get out of the line-up and do your research at home before bothering the rest of us.    If these people were nutritionists, I don't think they would be working the 7am, shift at No Frills...trust me, I worked there.

Getting in the express aisle with more than the prescribed amount of maximum items.  There really isn't even a need to explain this other than you are the scum of the earth if you do this and every person in the entire store should get to throw a gourd of their choice at you.  

Putting your groceries down behind mine before I have put down the plastic barrier stick.  What kid of animal does this!?  Those plastic barrier sticks are all that keep your disgusting soy quasi-food from touching my delicious fruit basket!  That stick is law, don't you cross it!  You wait your turn or else we may as well abandon all civilised society and live in anarchy when people can put their shopping items down wherever and whenever they please...may God have mercy on us all.

Asking for a price check.  This never goes well.  It always involves the cashier paging some pimply faced 16 year old boy, to come look at whatever product it is and then he takes 15 minutes to figure out what aisle it's even in.  Unless it is a dire ingredient that you will perish without...either pay for it or leave it...or I'm stuffing it up your nostril.

Groceries are not free, get your money out before the cashier tells you the exact total.  Chances are you're paying by credit or debit anyway, so you won't have to count pennies for exact change anymore...we don't even have pennies!  Get your wallet, purse, fannypack or hidden boob-pouch out in anticipation of having to pay for your purchase, do not make me stand around and wait while you check every pocket, fold, nook and cranny for something you knew you would need before you walked into the store.  What did you think would happen, they clerk would just say 'oh don't worry about it, this one's free'??

Buying one of the specialty veggies or fruits and not knowing what it is.  The cashier is not a doctoral student of fungi...he/she may not be able to recognise every single one of the 100 mushrooms they sell in stores these days, so help them out by telling them which type you are buying.  If you don't know what it is,..why are you buying it!?

So next time you bravely face one of these temples of unholy doom, pay close attention that you are not swallowed by the evil within.

Shit I shouldn't have to explain

There are some things in life that are just so glaringly obvious that you would assume that any troglodyte with half a brain cell would be able to figure it out. So, why do I see people doing these things on a nearly daily basis? These are not difficult concepts to grasp, most of them are along the same lines of common sense as "don't lick the sharp edge of the knife" and "getting hit by a speeding bus doesn't tickle".  Yet, at least once a day, especially on my work commute, I observe at least one of these occurrences, and it is at times such as those that I wish that Darwin's theory of evolution hurrids up.

Here are some instances of things I just don't think should need to be explained:

When someone's wearing headphones, don't try to talk to them.  Not only are they unable to physically hear you, 99.9% of the time, they put them on specifically so that you won't speak to them- earphones are the international symbol of "leave me the hell alone"

Don't drive into the middle of an intersection. You know you won't make it through, you're just being a dick. How much further have you gotten than if you'd waited and not ruined other peoples' drives? 5 feet? 

Tipping badly will get you shitty service next time. I cannot believe the number of people I've been at a restaurant with who count the tip to the dime and think 10% is the height of generosity. Ok, be a cheapskate...but you don't get to complain when, the next time you're there, the waitstaff don't rush to serve you and your food maybe tastes a little funny. 

Rain and snow makes the roads bad. Hi, welcome to Canada! It snows here, and it rains too. Learn to drive in it!! It's not like it only happens once every ten years, how do so many people forget the basics of road safety every single time?! Slow down but don't crawl, don't tailgate, and, if you're scared, don't drive at all.

Crazy people are crazy, don't get into it with them. I live downtown, there are a lot of mentally ill people around at all times; most of them are harmless people, some, however, start arguments and harass people. When this happens, walk away and remove yourself from the situation. Why do people start fighting with the crazy people? Then you look just as crazy! The man yelling at you thinks he just saw Jesus talking to Colonel Sanders- I don't think he's going to accept your logical reasoning of why he should get a job or that you'll hit him. Crazy be crazy, just walk away.

First come first serve. I got here first, so if you step in front of me, I will snatch your ass back to where it belongs by the roots of your hair. You aren't special, I wasn't saving a spot for you. If someone arrives before you, they go first. I don't care if it's the subway, the coffee line or the last train out of town- get in line.

Socks with sandals. No...just..no. The socks and sandals jokes have been around for enough years now that if you don't know that it's classified as a crime against humanity and violates everything that is holy and decent, then you're obviously too oblivious to be allowed to live on this planet. Leave. Go to Mars...make sure to pack all the socks and sandals you want.  Don't even get me started on those toe-shoes either...worse than hell for those people.

Why you won't be invited to my wedding

Look, I'm sorry, but you aren't coming to my wedding.  It's nothing personal. 

I’m not currently planning my wedding…heck, I’m not even engaged or planning to be very soon…but you’re still not invited.

Because I never plan to have one.

I don’t refuse to get married, but I can imagine very few things I’d enjoy less than having a wedding.

I’m sorry to my friends who have had weddings, who are planning theirs or who want to have one… it’s not that I think you’re ‘wrong’ or dislike your weddings…it would just be torture for me to have to go through it myself…and as a 30 year old unmarried woman, I do get asked when I’m going to get married and what kind of wedding I want.  My standard answer is either “I’m not allowed to get married, it’s against my parole” or “My perfect wedding is one where you aren’t invited”. 

Last week, it was published in one of the Canadian papers that the average Ontario couple will spend roughly $15,000 on their weddings, that amount nearly doubles in Saskatchewan and Manitoba.  That doesn’t just seem outlandish to me, it seems hilariously unnecessary and I would feel selfish, arrogant, etc.  I definitely don’t have $15,000 (or more) lying around, but if I did, I would rather spend it trying to buy a knock-off arc reactor than on a dress I will only wear once, a bunch of flowers that will be dead by dawn, a party nobody really wants to go to and a day when I invite all of my friends and family to lavish attention on me.  There is an episode of Sex in the City where Carrie (then engaged to Aiden), tries on a wedding dress as a laugh but has a huge panic attack and freaks right out…that’s kind of similar to how I would be if someone told me I had to plan my own wedding. 

My plan on how I want to get married?  I can think of nothing more romantic than eloping in another city…just the two of us…not a single other person we know for miles.  Grabbing two complete strangers to be the witnesses and going to that city’s city hall to sign the papers.  Perfect.  Seems boring and unromantic, no?  Not to me.  So many women I know and hear about, especially in their 20’s, are desperate to get married and have a big wedding, because that’s what society says you’re supposed to do.  They always seem so much more focused on the wedding than the marriage and on the self-congratulatory ego stroke of accomplishing something other people told them they want.  Traditionally, as I’ve heard priests espouse about in previous wedding ceremonies, the friends and family are invited to witness the wedding because they are asked to promise to help the newlywed couple in their marriage…..what a crock of shit.  Anyone who is married….did you honestly create your guest list based on who you thought would be the most likely to come together as a community and help save your marriage when times get tough?  To me, it’s not about the community coming together, because I don’t think it should be about anybody or anything else except the two people getting married.  That is precisely why I do not want anybody there- the marriage is a commitment between two people, it will be the two of you on your own from now on…so I want to start it off that way.  I want to look my dear husband-to-be in the eye, just the two of us…and start our new life together…together.  Doing it another city because I enjoy the symbolism of starting off in strange new territory, not to mention that Toronto City Hall is just a dump and I don’t want Rob Ford nearby if we’re unfortunate to have him around past this fall’s election. 

I find the most romance in simplicity…which would explain some of my exes.  I want to wake up in a hotel room together…put on a nice but simple dress, walk down together to the local city hall…ask some people in the building if we could buy them a coffee in exchange for a moment of their time…and then walk out…newly wed…already on a honeymoon…together and on our own. 

So, I’m sorry…but your invitation is not in the mail….and it never will be.  If you want to party with us afterwards, sure…no problem…meet me at the Dodger for a pint.

Noooooope!

Liz Lemon wrote a book about deal-breakers... these are my comparative list: things that are automatic turnoffs.  These are things that guys have either done to me, my friends, or I've heard of that have happened to others that cause me to simply think 'nooooope!'...

- When he talks about his ex on a date, especially a first date
- When he goes on a little bit too long about his mother
- Wearing beat up old shoes on a first date
- If he wears a big gold chain or more than one necklace
- If his car makes more noise than his stereo
- If his pants are either between his knees or tighter than my yoga pants....hell no.
- He is attached at the hip to his one deadbeat buddy
- When he eats like the Sarlaac
- He doesn't like your friends or discourages you from seeing them
- He spends more time getting ready to go out than 90% of women you know
- He drops the L word in less than 3 dates (love...not lesbian...that one's fine after 2 dates).
- The guys who don't' believe in giving a girl flowers
- He spends a lot of time talking up how (insert nationality) he is, but he doesn't speak the language and has never even been there.
- He can't do his own laundry
- Doesn't reply to texts...this applies to females also...people who don't respond need to be beaten
- He posts all over Facebook all the time about how much he loves you...because that's creepy and has the earmarks of a serial killer.
- He puts down his ex/exes a lot
- When every man on Church St knows his name....this may be a hint.
- He can name you every strip club in the city
- His idea of taking you out is going to Tim Hortons...this has happened to me more than once.
- He offers to pray for you.....run away
- Wearing so much cologne that I smell you before I see you
- He tells you that 'it's ok' that you 'aren't as hot' as his ex
- If he asks you to invest in his business within the first 1-3 dates
- He freaks out about commitment after 2 dates

There will most likely be more to follow as I seem to hear about more and more of these every time I talk to any other woman and as my past horrible dates come back to mind despite many years of therapy trying to forget them all.

What are your nooooope moments?

MORE People who need to go away

People who don't dress for the weather...then complain about the weather
People who brush their teeth in the work washroom
Anyone who writes an email whose message is really bitchy, but then ends it with a smiley face
Madonna
Anyone who doesn't like Big Bang Theory
Exes who just won't go away
Skinny bitches
Whoever is in charge of casting the Batman Vs. Superman movie
Glenn Healy
George RR Martin...because I'm mad he won't hurry the hell up
People who do not agree that Mario Kart was the best video game ever
Conspiracy theorists
Russell Brand
People who cannot admit when they are wrong
Those horrible people who respond to long text messages with 'K'
Mother Nature...because this winter is unforgivable
Those corporate bastards who get good tickets to Leafs' games and then don't watch the damn game!
Twilight and all of it's fans
People who tweet where they are...nobody cares.
Shia LeBoeuf
Name droppers
Tim Hortons' Roll Up The Rim...because I went 0/8 last time
Women over 30 who can't accept that they should probably dress like an adult
People who shuffle/drag their feet when they walk
The entire month of January...it's not a person, but it needs to go away.

Coldplay
The president of Uganda
The state of Arizona
George Zimmerman
Anyone who sits beside me on the bus or subway....grrrr
Lululemon...for never having sales.