Music

Music is timeless and universal.  We don't all enjoy the same genres or songs, but music is in our genetics.  A song can bring back the most vivid memory no matter how long it has been since we last heard it...personally I have a laundry list of songs that transport me to points in my past both good and bad.  The artist who made the song can also evoke many memories themselves- Rod Stewart will always remind me of my mother while hearing Bush will make me cringe with memories of middle school.

So today while I had the radio on while in the shower, as each new artist came on, I realized that there are a lot of bands/singers that immediately evoke certain thoughts and memories no matter how many times I hear the.

AC/DC - How do you still have vocal chords after all these years?

Led Zeppelin- Everything you make is amazing but really I just wanna hear Stairway

Beyoncė- I just want to look like you

Red Hot Chili Peppers- You like California, we get it.

Coldplay- You are the white crayon of music

The Beatles- The 60's must have been so damn cool

Michael Jackson - I wish I could dance

Taylor Swift- The perky girl in high school we all wanted to punch in the throat.

Blue Rodeo - Molson Amphitheatre

Queen- Why God!?! Why did you have to take Freddie?!

Tragically Hip - Canada! Canada!

Kanye - What....a.....complete.......dick

Anything classical - I am so classy

Celine Dion - That damn Titanic song

Bon Jovi- Nice hair

Journey- I once briefly stopped believin'

Johnny Cash - Joaquin Phoenix

Mamas and the Papas- Ham Sandwich

The Eagles- Your dad

Neil Young- Suck it, Geffen.

The Smashing Pumpkins - "I'm Billy Corgan, Smashing Pumpkins...I'm Homer Simpson, smiling politely"


My newest one came last night while watching Modern Family and Jay defended his use of 'Snoop Dogg' as a Halloween costume by saying 'I didn't even know who he was, I assumed he was some doggy detective'.

A Few Words

So far I haven't had any luck getting through to the official dictionary people, however soon enough I'll have invented enough new words to start my own. I will name it "The Book of SMRT". Here are today's words:

Excerfries verb. (ex-sir-frize)- to indulge in junk food because you worked out once 

Twenteenager noun. (twun-teen-ay-jer)- for those early twenties where you haven't really grown up yet

Bronami (bro-nah-mee) or dudenado (dood-nay-doh) noun.- getting caught in a large group of bros/dudes who are all dressed like douches and you can't seem to escape their whirlwind of doucheness 

Christmass (kriss-m-ass) noun.- the weight you put on during the holiday season

Why I'm Offended By You Being Offended

"It's now very common to hear people say, 'I'm rather offended by that.'  As if that gives them certain rights.  it's actually nothing more...than a whine.  'I find that offensive.'  It has no meaning; it has no purpose; it has no reason to be respected as a phrase. 'I am offended by that.'  Well, so fucking what."  - Stephen Fry

As if I needed a reason to love Stephen Fry any more, I wish I could print this out and staple it to the foreheads of the vast number of people who seem to be offended by everything in the world these days.

I recently heard someone say that we are living in the 'Age of Offense', where everyone is offended by everything.  It's true.  Those participation medals that every child got, the message of 'you're special' and the generations who were raised without war, famine, poverty or any real hardship are now in the age group that is focused on by the media.  These are the kids who were coddled, silver spoon-fed the notion that they and they alone were the most special and important flower in the world.  Little Johnny never-suffer never had to grow with people not caring about what he wanted, how he felt and, god forbid, whether he was 'offended'.

All those years of buying 16 year olds cars, paying for their education, letting them live rent free, giving them whatever they wanted, have come to bite us all in the collective ass.  We always wondered how these kids would grow up and enter the real world...the answer is that they are pricks.  They were never taught the crucial life lesson that the world does not revolve around them and what they want and how they feel.  This means that when someone does or says something that they don't like...they get their hackles up in 'offence' because it somehow doesn't cater to Little Johnny and his specific views.  And we can't have that can we?  No no! The world must get on its knees and kiss Little Johnny's butt forever, because that's what mommy did and mommy said he was special!

It seems that there is nothing in the world that these over privileged first world problemers won't get all up in arms over and scream 'offensive'.  Every online post, every picture, every comment, it all seems to offend someone.  Now, sometimes, it's valid to be offended by something, for example, everything Donald Trump has ever said is generally offensive to everyone.  However...a cup.  A CUP?!  Are you kidding me?!  Starbucks' holiday themed cup this year is red...plain red.  When I saw it, I liked it; I thought it was sleek, simple and subtle.  Somehow people are offended that there are no pictures of Jesus or Christmas on it.  Really?  I didn't realize Starbucks was a part of the Christian church.  So they demand Christ for Christmas cups, but I bet they'd scream bloody murder if they were served a blue Hanukah cup or a brightly coloured Diwali cup.  Because only their belief is valid...that's what mommy said.  How about instead of crying over the colour of the cup, you shut up and be thankful that you're able to live in a country that allows you the lifestyle to afford an $8 latte,

The worst offenders are college students.  They are old enough to think they're grown ups but still so young that they haven't left their bubble of life's cosy shelter.  Just yesterday online, I saw a brief story of students who were offended by their professor correcting their spelling and grammar in their work....in a university.  Uh....huh.  That tuition money was well spent.  College campuses used to be great gigs for touring comedians, but the majority of them won't go anywhere near college gigs anymore because the students have cried 'offensive' so many times that they feel the environment is too limiting and oppressive to speak at.   So, you'll gladly show your tits on camera at Spring Break but you'll get offended when someone looks at you sexually.  (By the way, if that offends you, please let me know, I'd hate to miss it).

Thousands of people are dying every day around the world from hunger, war, disease and disasters...but you're going to focus your attention on being offended by Caitlyn Jenner being called 'brave' for coming out as transgendered.  We all know that the real tragedy there is that she didn't name her new TV show 'TransJenner'.

There are offensive things in the world, but pick your battles.  Is whatever your crying about really important?  Does it affect your life deeply?  Then grow up and carry on with your life like a normal human being.

More New Words!

I can't say that this is how I imagined I would be putting my language degree to use, but at least it wasn't a total waste (sorry mom and dad).  I will eventually have to recap all of these new word creations of mine and start my own dictionary since those twats at the Oxford won't allow me within 50 meters of their office anymore.  Here are today's words:

Spoontang (Spoon-tang) noun. A guilty pleasure of indulging in food.  Eg: I have some Ben and Jerry's in my freezer waiting for me...I'm gonna get me some spoontang.

Procatstinate (Pro-kat-stinn-ate) verb. To waste time watching cat videos online. Eg. I was supposed to be getting that report done for my boss but I spent the whole day procatstinating watching Simon's Cat on YouTube.

Caffiend- (Ka-feend) noun. A person who is massively addicted to caffeine such a coffee and energy drinks.  Eg. Mike really needs to cut down on the coffee, he's a major caffiend, he's up to 5 a day.

Tadpolling (Tad-pol-ling) verb. Dating someone much too young for you.  Sharon is 39 and is dating a 21 year old guys, I don't know why she's tadpolling instead of looking for someone a bit more mature.

Stop that Sh*t

I haven't had a good rant in awhile...I'm feeling a bit pent up.  Having re-read some of my older posts, I was inspired to re-hash one of the same general ideas and simply list off shit that needs to stop.  These are things that, if you are guilty of doing them, cease and desist immediately.  I will rain down pain upon you for continuing to do these things after having been warned...I cannot say where or when or even exactly how...but it will happen (and will likely involve 7 bees, an unwashed sleeping bag and 3, possibly 4 batteries).

Dear world...stop

- wearing man buns....you look like a hairy ballerina form a child's nightmare
- putting your dogs in outfits...I hope they bite you
- being offended by everything...grow some balls
- posting about how blessed you are- shut it!
- not offering your seat to someone in need....God help me I will come at you like a badger!
- taking up more than your share of the sidewalk....I will push you into the traffic and nobody will see
- saying Caitlyn Jenner isn't as brave as army soldiers...there are different kinds of bravery. all valid
- showing up late to everything...if you don't value my time I no longer value your friendship
- pushing your health regiment on me...I will shove that kale smoothie where it will be of no benefit to your digestive system
- pretending like you're too cool for everything...then you're obviously too cool for me too so go away
- pumpkin spice....seriously, f**k off
- Donald Trump....the joke isn't funny anymore
- hating that a murdered lion got media attention...animals are vital to our eco-system, the illegal slaughter of them needs to be dealt with
- calling Toronto 'the 6'.  It's not a thing...stop trying to make it happen.  Drake is a very privileged kid from Forest Hill who was a child actor and never wanted for anything, don't buy the thug image.
- reacting without researching- at least learn what you're mad about
- cancelling shows I love....Buzzcocks, Futurama...a 27 year break between Sherlock series
- lumping all people who support a cause in with the asshole extremists of that cause...muslim extremists, feminazis, christian fundamentalists....they are the worst case scenario, not everyone goes that far and they just give everyone else in the group a bad name
- showing me pictures of Phil Kessel in a Pens uniform...I'm not ready man....not ready
- making me wait for more Game of Thrones
- advertising $200 airfare but then charging $700 tax and fees
- hammer time

Ok...are we clear?  Will the entire planet stop this now?  That's how this works right?....I'm trusting you.

Signs you're getting OLDER

When we were kids, we couldn't wait to grow up.  We wanted to be big kids.  When we were big kids, we wanted to be teenagers.  When we were teenagers, we wanted to be adults.  Now that we're adults, we want to turn time back and be young again.  Where did the time go?  I sometimes still think I'm young, that is, until I hang out with young people.  Then I realize that I am getting older...I may not be ancient, but I'm not the young fresh flower I once was.  There are some very clear signs from the universe that the abacus of your lifespan is notching ever over to one side.

- You are happier when people cancel plans with you than make plans
- You get the same joy from having clean laundry that you once did from new outfits
- Creaky knees
- You hate the music on the radio (unless you listen to oldies stations)
- You get upset at Forever 21 for selling crop tops with Nirvana, Clash and AC/DC on them because the kids today are too young to really appreciate those bands enough to deserve the tshirts.
- You feel weird when standing in Hot Topic
- Bad back!
- You watch the original Jurassic Park movie and agree with the lawyer.
- You remember when Adam Sandler was funny
- The athletes your age are all retiring.
- You'll pay the extra money for good shoes because you can't take the cute shoes that hurt your feet anymore
- You'll also pay extra for direct flights, bigger seats etc. when travelling because your body can't take the stress and discomfort anymore
-Hangovers last for days instead of hours
- The only reason a cute 21 year old guy comes up to you is to ask you directions
- Your parents become the children in the relationship
- You watch a political debate...sober....on purpose
- The big thing you're saving for is new towels
- The night ends at 10pm
- You'd rather hang out with your cat than 95% of the people you know
- You have no idea what Tinder is for
- You care how much fiber is in your diet
- Finding a good tasting low fat cheese can make your day
- More than 2 cups of coffee/tea makes you edgy
- You remember a time when people didn't get offended by absolutely everything
- You're no longer excited when friends get engaged because you know the hassle that will follow
- Mortgage payments
- You finally realize that nobody owes you anything in life
- Kraft Dinner is more a treat and less a nightly necessity
- You remember when The Simpsons was the best show on tv
- There are no high school photos of you on Facebook because cell phone cameras weren't a thing
- You genuinely forget how old you are when asked
- When you look at the 'Must Be Born Before This Date In' year to buy cigarettes...you're shocked at that year.
-McDonald's just doesn't taste as good anymore
-Teenagers are the worst thing on the planet
- Cat videos become far better than music videos


You know what they say...getting old sucks but the alternative is much worse.

New Greetings Cards

Today marks the 2 year anniversary of this blog

*crickets*

My bloggiversary may not exactly be the event of the year, but it did make me think of how many occasions there are without sufficient greeting card availability.  So while I will forgive my readers (all 0.3 of you) for not sending me a card to celebrate this milestone, I will mark this monument of life with some of my ideas for cards that Hallmark just doesn't have covered yet:

"Congratulations on finally dumping the gf/bf I've always hated but never had the heart to tell you so"

"Happy Freedom from your cellular contract day!"- given to commemorate the last day of your Bell/Rogers/Telus contract- the day you are free from one evil to go get screwed the exact same way by one of the others in a viscous customer-f**king cycle.

"Congratulations on passing that tape worm!"

"I'm sorry I gave you the herp"

"My deepest condolences that your child grew up to be a douchebag"

"Congrats on having a hot sibling, can I come for dinner more often?"

"You Did It! You found your keys in your purse on the first try!"

"Happy one year anniversary of not using the word 'bro', keep it up!"

"Happy Birthday Kitty" - to be given to your cat on his/her bday (please note: yes, I did wish my cat a happy birthday AND bought her a present).

"Thank you for always being the fat friend"

"My sincerest apologies for calling your baby ugly, I didn't mean for you to hear that"

"Way to get through high school without getting knocked up!"

"My deepest sympathies on finding out you're over 40 and pregnant"

"Let's celebrate! Our husbands weren't on the Ashley Madison subscribers list!"

"Happy anniversary of losing your virginity to some random dude!"

"Congratulations that your celebrity crush is getting a divorce!"

"Thank you for not telling my parents all the awful stuff we did in high school"

"Happy good hair day!"

"Congratulations on finally stopping dressing like a two-dollar hooker"

"You're getting married! Why?!"

" I'm sorry that you accidentally sexted your mom/dad"

"Congrats! You stopped f**king swearing!"