Most of us are aware of the 7 deadly sins from the Bible, however we also all know that there are much more abhorrent sins that were somehow left off that crucial list. There is a place in which many crimes against humanity occur and the moment I mention it, you will all agree....it is the grocery store. The grocery store, such a harmless seeming place, provider of such basics and essentials of life, yet a place so steeped in evil, a place of so many unspeakably hideous misdeeds against fellow humans and nature itself that it could easily be classified as its own circle of infernal damnation. If you think I'm exaggerating, just think of the last time that you were standing in a line at the local grocery store and the old woman at the front of the line pulled out her little change purse...I bet you felt the same dragon fire fuelled anger that we all have when we see Satan's little coin purse emerging from the flowery oversized handbag.
Here a list of just a few of the common sins committed in the aisles of your local food emporium:
Leaving your cart out in the middle of the aisle. Seriously, most grocery store aisles are only big enough for two carts passing each other if both are paying attention- so leaving your cart out in the middle of the aisle while you try to climb a shelf for that last box of $0.49 spam is not helping. I will ram your cart and/or move it out of the way and don't you dare scoff or sneer at me when I do it, you're lucky I didn't shove it into you. You don't leave your car in the middle of the road when you park, so why leave a cart in the middle of grocery traffic.
Bringing your children to the grocery store. Ok, I get that sometimes you don't have a choice and you can't leave the kids in the car for an hour while you get your shopping done...but I do want you to know that the moment you walk in there with kids...everyone already hates you. Kids should not be in grocery stores, and they don't want to be there either. They are not your little helpers, they are my little nuisances. They are loud, annoying, get in the way, make a mess, scream way too often and God help you if you're one of those parents who lets their kids run around in the store...I will impale those children on a baguette and laugh as I stuff them into the panini maker. Every time I hear 'Mom, can I have....' I turn around and say 'No, dear child, you cannot have what you want because life isn't fair and there is no Santa Claus.'
Asking the clerk for every ingredient and food preparatory question about the product. This is always the worst at deli counters...it's meat or meat-like substances....if you want specialty, go to the specialty butcher and get your fat ass out of the way, you're blocking the ham. You can ask a question of two such as 'is that pepper' or maybe 'does that have dairy in it?'...any more than two questions and I'm taking your little numbered ticket...get out of the line-up and do your research at home before bothering the rest of us. If these people were nutritionists, I don't think they would be working the 7am, shift at No Frills...trust me, I worked there.
Getting in the express aisle with more than the prescribed amount of maximum items. There really isn't even a need to explain this other than you are the scum of the earth if you do this and every person in the entire store should get to throw a gourd of their choice at you.
Putting your groceries down behind mine before I have put down the plastic barrier stick. What kid of animal does this!? Those plastic barrier sticks are all that keep your disgusting soy quasi-food from touching my delicious fruit basket! That stick is law, don't you cross it! You wait your turn or else we may as well abandon all civilised society and live in anarchy when people can put their shopping items down wherever and whenever they please...may God have mercy on us all.
Asking for a price check. This never goes well. It always involves the cashier paging some pimply faced 16 year old boy, to come look at whatever product it is and then he takes 15 minutes to figure out what aisle it's even in. Unless it is a dire ingredient that you will perish without...either pay for it or leave it...or I'm stuffing it up your nostril.
Groceries are not free, get your money out before the cashier tells you the exact total. Chances are you're paying by credit or debit anyway, so you won't have to count pennies for exact change anymore...we don't even have pennies! Get your wallet, purse, fannypack or hidden boob-pouch out in anticipation of having to pay for your purchase, do not make me stand around and wait while you check every pocket, fold, nook and cranny for something you knew you would need before you walked into the store. What did you think would happen, they clerk would just say 'oh don't worry about it, this one's free'??
Buying one of the specialty veggies or fruits and not knowing what it is. The cashier is not a doctoral student of fungi...he/she may not be able to recognise every single one of the 100 mushrooms they sell in stores these days, so help them out by telling them which type you are buying. If you don't know what it is,..why are you buying it!?
So next time you bravely face one of these temples of unholy doom, pay close attention that you are not swallowed by the evil within.
