Just Don't

There are some thing you just shouldn’t do.  I don’t care what your excuse it, I don’t want to hear it.  Just don’t.

So….just don’t:

Use the toilet and not wash your hands

Spit in public

Stop and have a conversation in the middle of a crowded hallway

Use the last of the milk and not replace it

Listen to Kanye

Talk about being a vegan

Wear socks and sneakers with shorts (I’m looking at the white dudes with cargo shorts on this one)

Argue for 10 minutes with the cashier about something beyond her control (price, policy etc)

Cut in line

Take a seat on transit when there’s someone who needs it more

Talk on the phone on transit

Use the term OCD for every habit you have

Think everything is about you

Brush someone off endlessly and then wonder why they don’t call anymore

Gossip, because it’s really just another word for bullying

Use violence

Miss a chance to call your parents

Expect others to pay for your life and your mistakes

Expect your eBay purchase to be what you hoped

Ask a woman if she’s pregnant, no matter how big the belly is

Post spoilers online less than 2 weeks after the first airing

Ask me why I’m a Leafs fan…I have no good answers anymore.

Ask me for advise if you aren’t going to listen

Plan a meeting for a Friday afternoon

Be late for everything

Be the person who always cancels plans

Tell me about your workout

Be offended by stupid crap

Complain about the government if you didn’t vote

Believe Trump

Wear crocs

Be a bitch

There….so just….don’t.

This is why I drink

Those moments of pure anxiety.  We all have them...some more than others.  While some people cannot do anything at all without feeling anxious about it, there are certain things in life that every single person feels anxious about while it's happening, no matter how irrational the anxiety may be.

- Paying by card.  Even if you know you have tons of room or money on your card, there is always that innate fear that the card will get declined and you'll look like a loser

- Trying on clothes. You know your size...you shop at this store all the time. But what if you've suddenly put on 40 pounds and 4 sizes in the past few weeks!?

- Looking for your phone.  If you didn't put it in the exact spot/pocket you first checked...instant terror.

- Sending an email.  You send dozens, hundreds a week...but each time you hit send...are you 100% sure you spelled everything correctly and said everything in an appropriate way?  Did you remember to mention everything you meant to?

- Missing that last step.  That swooping feeling you get in your tummy as your foot goes down a step further than you were expecting....makes you feel like you've fallen off the Chrysler Building.

- When you have to take off your jewelry and/or watch for something like a shower or medical exam and don't put it back on right away.  No matter how many times you remind yourself that it's not lost, you know exactly where it is....every time you look at it's not there or you notice the lack of feeling it...you're convinced it's lost forever.

-Stepping on the scale...because no matter how good you've been that week...the scale is an a-hole.

- When the boss asks to speak to you for a minute out of nowhere.  You most likely did absolutely nothing wrong, but you start panicking that you're about to be fired- you start desperately trying to think of anything you may have done wrong that could warrant discipline- 'did I get caught using Facebook too much?', 'did someone complain about me?', 'do they know I've been secretly farming llamas in the downstairs breakroom?'

- Googling your symptoms.  No matter what ails you, don't do it.  Dr.Google never has good news.  A sore throat? Throat cancer. An achy back? Your spine is deteriorating. Sneezed? You have alien pods living in your lungs.  It's the same reason you should never read the 'side effects' on the meds...they will scare you into feeling worse.


- Walking past one of those annoying students with a charity clipboard.  You don't want to stop, you don't want to have to come up with some excuse why you don't want to talk to them or why you don't want to give them your money...but you feel like a jerk because they're asking for your time and money usually to help the needy.  You walk past every time with the 'oh god don't make eye contact' mantra and pray that if you walk by quickly enough they won't see you, like some opposite of a T-rex.