The Newlywed Game

As a newlywed, people all ask you the same list of predictable questions, and you get very weary of giving the same answers to the same 'small talk' type questions over and over.  Luckily, I am a smartass.  This means I have some backup answers to the typical questions that I whip out when I'm especially exasperated by the line of conversation:


How long were you together before you got married?
- about 5 minutes, but a green-card's a green-card, am I right?
- all my life, because we're cousins
- we've technically been dating for 5 years but I stalked him for another 4 before that.

Does being married feel different?
- yes, I find it's much harder to keep the homicidal tendencies in check
- yes, it now burns when I pee
- no, I've been dead inside for years
- not really, except it does make it harder emotionally to keep sleeping with yo' momma

Thinking about having kids?
- I did, but then their mom caught me luring them into the van
- we can't have kids...it's against my parole
- yes, would you also like to know about my menstrual cycles if we're getting so personal?
- no, we're too afraid they'd turn out to be a jerk like you.
- we are waiting to learn more about the serial killer genetic study

Was it a big wedding?
- yes, we invited everyone in the world, just not you.
- no, my prison cell was only big enough for a small group
- we had 50 guests...all cats.
-we were attended by 73 African shaman and 2 goats...so ya know, the usual.

Where was the honeymoon?
- Jane and Finch
- IHop, we got extra bacon
- Mordor
- Azkaban

Do you like being married?
-yes, I am enjoying letting myself go
-no, it's awful and sucks...is that what you want to hear?
-sure, when my spouse dies, I get money!
- of course, I love my tax deduction, I mean, spouse.

Music

Music is timeless and universal.  We don't all enjoy the same genres or songs, but music is in our genetics.  A song can bring back the most vivid memory no matter how long it has been since we last heard it...personally I have a laundry list of songs that transport me to points in my past both good and bad.  The artist who made the song can also evoke many memories themselves- Rod Stewart will always remind me of my mother while hearing Bush will make me cringe with memories of middle school.

So today while I had the radio on while in the shower, as each new artist came on, I realized that there are a lot of bands/singers that immediately evoke certain thoughts and memories no matter how many times I hear the.

AC/DC - How do you still have vocal chords after all these years?

Led Zeppelin- Everything you make is amazing but really I just wanna hear Stairway

Beyoncė- I just want to look like you

Red Hot Chili Peppers- You like California, we get it.

Coldplay- You are the white crayon of music

The Beatles- The 60's must have been so damn cool

Michael Jackson - I wish I could dance

Taylor Swift- The perky girl in high school we all wanted to punch in the throat.

Blue Rodeo - Molson Amphitheatre

Queen- Why God!?! Why did you have to take Freddie?!

Tragically Hip - Canada! Canada!

Kanye - What....a.....complete.......dick

Anything classical - I am so classy

Celine Dion - That damn Titanic song

Bon Jovi- Nice hair

Journey- I once briefly stopped believin'

Johnny Cash - Joaquin Phoenix

Mamas and the Papas- Ham Sandwich

The Eagles- Your dad

Neil Young- Suck it, Geffen.

The Smashing Pumpkins - "I'm Billy Corgan, Smashing Pumpkins...I'm Homer Simpson, smiling politely"


My newest one came last night while watching Modern Family and Jay defended his use of 'Snoop Dogg' as a Halloween costume by saying 'I didn't even know who he was, I assumed he was some doggy detective'.