A Geek's Guide to Being a Leafs Fan

A new life form has been born...the hockey geek.

Long has there existed the belief that being a jock and being a geek are two circles on a Venn diagram that shall never meet.  Jocks and geeks are the age-old school rivals who never get along and are supposed to be polar opposites.  It's believed that a geek who loves Star Wars, Star Trek and Warcraft could never follow sports and that a jock who captains his football team would rather beat up a LARPer than join them.  The world, however, is changing; geek chic is in.  Thanks to things like ComicCon, Big Bang Theory and Bill Nye, the geek way of life is just as cool as the jock ever was.  The once clear lines drawn between these two social groupings is blurred- to the point where Fan Expo even has a sports section.  As one of these new era crossbreeds, it's easy to see apprehension on both sides, jocks and geeks alike are nervous to cross that boundary as there is a lot of knowledge to catch up on when you join a new fandom, be it the wizarding world of Harry Potter or the Yankees dynasty.

To help simplify for my fellow geeks who are eyeing the Leafs franchise with nervous interest, here is a little help in understanding the current state of affairs.

The Geek's Guide to Being a Leafs Fan

This story beings a long long time ago in a galaxy far far away...1917 Toronto.  The Toronto Arenas are born into a newly forming league called the National Hockey Association.  Due to an evil presence in the galaxy known as Eddie Livingstone, the team and the league underwent many changes, becoming the Toronto St.Pat's of the NHL from 1919-1927 and finally, the Toronto Maple Leafs of the NHL in 1927. A franchise is born.

We join the story in modern day. A New Hope.

It has been a dark age for the Toronto Maple Leafs, having only made the playoffs once since 2003-2004 season in which we were brutally knocked out by Boston.  We have not won a Stanley Cup since 1967 and our heroes have scattered.  Without a strong leader (captain) to rally around, the team finished last in the league in 2016 and it seemed that our Leafs were doomed to fall to the evil lord...Gary Bettman.

Gary Bettman, a man who looks like Gollum and the Count from Sesame Street with the voice of a hideous cross between John McCain and Fran Drescher.  Bent on the destruction of the Canadian hockey market, evil Lord Bettman has been corrupted by the American dollar and builds new franchises in places that hockey cannot live while leaving formerly blooming hockey hotbeds in Canada to wither and fail. Choking the life out of the Quebec expansion bid, adding to his desert arsenal with another laughable non-hockey city team, Lord Bettman sits atop his hockey throne blowing his nose with a Canadian flag and punching Canadian geese.

In the shadow of the evil Lord Bettman sits an old master, his glory days behind him but with much wisdom to share.  Master Shanahan looked upon the team with hope and has been meticulously forming and developing his Shanaplan to bring this team back to glory.  He called upon an old friend who he knew he could still trust and Obi Wan...I mean Mike Babcock, came to Toronto to coach.  Completing his Jedi council, Master Shanahan snagged his former master Mace Wind-Lou Lamoriello to be GM.  With a strong council united with purpose, they sought a chosen one who would be their beacon of light and lead the team into its new age.

And then it happened....

"With the number one pick overall in the 2016 NHL Entry Draft, the Toronto Maple Leafs are proud to select, from the ZSC Lions of the Swiss National League A, forward Auston Matthews."

 I felt a great disturbance in the Force, as if millions of voices suddenly cried out in...joy.

Matthews is one of the most highly touted prospects in recent memory- he's young, he's good and he's from Arizona whose desert landscape could, for all intents and purposes, be Tattooine. He will need time and a lot of training by the council, (I'm picturing Shanahan on Mattthews' back "Do or do not, there is no try") .  As we look to our new chosen one to lead our team to victory over evil Lord Bettman and to reclaim glory for Toronto and Canada alike. he cannot do it alone.  Together, with the roguish puck smuggler William Nylander and giant hard-to-understand Freddy Andersen, and the slight ewok-ish Nazem Kadri, this team stands to become more powerful than you could possibly imagine.

Unfortunately, at the moment, we're still in Episode 4; we need to be patient to get to the big finale.  I guess the original blowing up of the Death Star would be equivalent to making the playoffs again.  If you're looking for instant gratification and a Stanley Cup this season, you're lookin' in Alderaan places.  (*badum bum*)

So you see, geeks and sportos aren't that different afterall; we're all fans at the end of that day.  There are good guys and bad guys, there are plot twists and turns and interesting characters.  The NHL has orcs (Zdeno Chara), long bearded wizards (Joe Thornton), house elves (Brian Gionta) and a lot of pale Swedish guys who look like they could be Data-ish looking androids.  So grab a seat, let's watch a game together and see how this one ends.

A Woman's Rant part 2- Bras

I still remember being about 10 years old and wishing I had big boobs so that the boys would notice me.  Man, what a stupid kid.

Much like buying pants, buying a bra is easy for a lucky portion of women; the rest of us are simply doomed to suffer.  Even the name bra...short for brazier...sounds uncomfortable.  The only enjoyable part of a bra is how good it feels when you take it off at the end of the day.

Bras have been around for quite some time, over a hundred years in fact, so why are most of them still akin to medieval torture devices?  I'm sure if you told a man that he was expected to wear underwear that has metal wire in it to support his testicles, he would not fancy the idea of putting metal near his sensitive skin.  However, as women, the bearers of breasts, those mixed blessings that give nourishment to the young and provide entertainment for the slightly older are our closest comparison.  They are composed of flesh, blood, ducts, fat...namely, human material...however their natural state is deemed unappealing and they must be covered and restrained in bras.  Functionally there is some benefit...if you're over an A cup and have ever tried to run while bra-less, many risk injury to themselves and passersby.  So, every morning (unless it's a lazy Sunday), we lock and load our girls into the bra for hours of wear.

Bras come in many shapes and sizes, which is probably why the vast majority of us wear the wrong size.  We get measured for our first bra in high school and the first post-breast feeding bra after childbirth and that's about the only times we bother to ensure we are still the same size.  A bad bra is like having a self-inflicted wound that you willingly re-open every day.  The bra is meant to lift and support, so a bad bra does the opposite- it weighs you down and puts strain on all the wrong spots.  Thanks to my frontage, I still have massive back, neck and shoulder problems from years of carrying the weight incorrectly because La Senza hasn't got a clue how to make a real bra.  If you pay less than $50 for a bra, you may as well just go without and dislocate your shoulder preemptively.  Sure, many of them look cute, sexy etc...but 99% of them should be worn for an hour tops before you're actually doing harm to your body.  This is all assuming that you are among the proportion of women who need to wear a bra because they have breasts that are too big to go bra-less- which is <10% on average worldwide.

So since only <10% of women could consider wearing clothing without having to wear a bra underneath, can some explain to me why all fashion now makes it impossible to wear bras with the outfits?  I've previously described the most recent fashion trend as 'waifchella', which means that it all looks like it belongs at Coachella and would only suit women of waif sizing (aka half a toothpick).  This style trend also includes a lot of cut out tops, low cut, backless, super tight etc clothing.  None of this clothing actually accounts for any type of bra or breast support under the clothing.  Therefore, they are marketing 90% of clothing to a maximum audience of 10%....and people wonder why we have body issues.

However, if you're like me and you have a plumage that needs one of these bra contraptions, I cannot recommend a proper bra any more highly.  Find yourself a real boutique, not La Senza (La Crapza), not Victoria's Secret (whose secret is that they make terrible bras) and get yourself properly fitted.  Any professional couturier will tell you that those chains mentioned above do not measure you properly- they will simply give you whatever size they want to sell you, not what fits you.  A well-made, well-fitting bra and change your life.  It will make you look 10 pounds thinner and 5 years younger.  You will stand up straighter, you will feel less pain in your shoulder and back and you'll notice how clothing fits better.

So ladies, take care of your girls, because the bra may never be a girl's best friend, but we can at least try to make sure they aren't our worst enemy.