Remember?

  It's that time of year, the Halloween freaks have put their costumes away for another year and we start into a new month of Mo-vember.  I support the cause behind Movember, I am all for fundraising and awareness for men's health, even though I hate the way that those awful moustaches look on the vast majority of men.  Nonetheless, when I see a man with a bad moustache this time of year, I take notice of it and applaud the effort.  There is something else I am looking for on all men and all women at this time of year also...and frankly..the results suck.  Poppies.

If you live in Canada, were born in Canada or are not under an oppressive regime's rule...you better have a poppy on your jacket.  I don't want to hear your excuses, the most common of which being "I can't find a collection box"....bullshit.  They are not hard to find if you just look around you, they are at all LCBO's (which you know you frequent), many Tim Horton's, Starbucks, dollar stores, coffee shops, etc etc.  This shouldn't be something you just toss a quarter at and grab if you happen to see one while going about your business...this is something you need to seek out and make sure you have.  Why?  Because of the way the elderly veterans smile at you when you donate or pass you when you wear one.  You are not wearing that symbol for you...you are wearing it for what it stands for and for the people who fell for its meaning.  Look at yourself, look at your house, your family, your job, your possessions...how much of that do you owe to what the people before you have done? Yep, every single solitary thing.

If you are not originally from Canada, you still better put one of those on, because without the people you're wearing it for, you wouldn't have had a country to come to.  Call it racist, but I see an extremely small portion of visual minorities in Toronto wearing poppies, and I can't say I know why.

Those of you who know me know that I am not just ranting my usual one-off rant...I take this particular thing to heart, which is why I have a poppy tattoo along with the names of the 2 bravest men I've ever known, both of whom fought in war and to whom I owe everything. I guess what I don't understand is the utter selfishness of people who think that we can forget how we got where we are and why we get to be, do and grow as do in Canada.  Sure, Canada is not perfect, no country is...but think of how much worse it can be.  Look at the wars, the bombings, the tyrants, the starvation and the suffering around the globe and then tell me that walking an extra block and spending your change on a pin is far too much work to show that you're proud of where you live.

Are you a woman?  In many countries you'd have no rights and be denied education, put on a poppy.
Are you gay or have gay friends?  In some countries, homosexuality is punishable by death, put on a poppy.
Do you have food for dinner?  Millions of people don't, put on a poppy.
Did anyone in your family ever fight in any war?  Yes, they did, and they did it for you, put on a poppy.

I bet you'd walk an extra few blocks for your favourite coffee, so c'mon....let's make this hapPIN.  (yep, couldn't go a whole post without a pun).

29 Signs you might be a douchebag

Do douchebags know that they're douchebags?  It causes me pain to think that people cannot tell the difference between cool and douchy when it's staring them in the face wearing douchebag Raybans.  I have listed some signs you may want to reflect upon and ask yourself if you are indeed, a douchebag...this applies to women too.

Signs you may be a douchebag:

- You pop your collar
- You genuinely use the word 'bro'
- You have ever played a guitar with your shirt off
- You wear a wool hat when it's 25 degrees out
- You tell every single person you meet that you're into vegan and/or gluten-free
- You wear sunglasses indoors
- You only drink Starbucks coffee
- You wear hipster sneakers but they're still in mint condition
- You drink to get drunk
- Your only topic of conversation is you.
- You're loud in public to try to seem like you're 'wild' and having fun
- You park in a handicapped space without needing it
- When hanging out with people, you spend the whole time on your phone
- You constantly cancel and flake on plans, especially at the last minute
- You're always into new 'cleanses'
- You post 'inspirational' crap online
- You post general 'I'm so thankful' or 'You are Awesome' on Facebook
- You don't BYOB
- You sign the card but didn't contribute for the gift
- You always have an excuse
- You can't laugh at yourself
- You act 'too cool' for anything and everything
- You didn't spray your cologne/perfume on so as much as you marinated in it
- You make everyone else change their plans to accommodate you
- You don't like animals
- You post online about your workouts
- You wear more gold jewelery than the Pharaohs of old
- Your car is almost as loud as the horrible music you're playing out of it
- You think being a 'nice guy' is lame

Ok, this is all I can think of for now...feel free to add your own...so many douchebags..so little time...so little Nerf bats to beat them with. 

No husband, no kids, no problem!

This Christmas, I will be the last of my family to neither be married nor have kids...I am the last single one.  While my immediately family is as insane as I am, they are not usually so socially inept as to ask the typical ‘when is it your turn?’ type questions.  But, someone always does.  So, here are my answers as to why I am not married and have no kids:

•  It’s against my parole
• It’s against my lease
•  I prefer pets...they’re quieter and cheaper and don’t sass me as much and if you want the pitter-patter of little feet...they have twice the amount of feet!
• Yesterday I slept for 14 hours straight...when is the last time any parent did that?
•  I prefer looking at travel brochures, not articles about how everything is dangerous to kids.
• Marriage is a joke
•  My big decision today is if I have time to get both my hair and nails done before heading out to the pub...and I like it that way.
•  My adorable nephew’s idea of playing is to cough in someone’s mouth...no thanks.
• Cartoons suck these days, I’d hate for a child to have to grow up with these poor substitutes
•  My man is with me by choice, not a legal document preventing him from leaving
•  I still think of drool, puke and poop as what happens after too much Jaeger
• I don’t like waking up for a job that pays me money let alone a human being who will cry and pee on me
• Based on my family, I don’t trust my genetics to risk spawning
• Episiotomies...enough said.
• Can’t drink during pregnancy....ya, that’s not going to work for me
• This world is over-populated, you should be thanking me!
• I can't even commit to a paint colour
• I can't keep a plant alive 
• I don't have to sensor myself when watching hockey
• I've forgotten way too much of what I learned in school to attempt teaching another person
• I still get to dance to Beyoncé's "Single Ladies"

9 Things that need to exist

I am not an inventor.  I am not particularly creative.  The cleverest things I invent are excuses for not getting out of bed or not working out. I do, however, wish that people with more brains and ingenuity than myself, would see the desperate need that our society has for many new inventions.  There are some things that really should exist, that have gone unmanufactured somehow and need to be funded and developed ASAP...much more so than half the idiotic government programs they have going now (who needs edumacation anyways?)

Here are some inventions that someone in this world needs to get crackin' on:

- Nap pills- I am often exhausted at work and at home..and on the subway..and just in existence.  I consume enough caffeine to kill a bull elephant on a daily basis just to be able to stay awake at work because it's apparently frowned on to sleep at my desk (who knew?).  What I need is a pill that I can take that will trick my body and mind into thinking I just had a power nap.

- Cups that control drink temperature- Thermos' are great for keeping a beverage hot and those chilled glasses keep things cool-ish, but what I want is a cup that is temperature controlled...so if it's too hot, I can turn a dial and it will cool it...or, if my tea has gone cold...I can turn the dial and it will heat it back up.  This can't be too hard to invent...someone call Dr.Frink.

- Heated pants- need I say more?  While I would love to ban all pants, I would at least like to make the world's enslavement to pants more bearable.  During the cold times, we wear a million layers on our upper bodies (sweaters, jackets, undershirts, etc) but only pants on the bottom half.  The exception is women (and a few men) who wear nylons as well when it's cold, but that is still minimal.  We cannot layer pants...that's silly..so let's get us some heated pants...it's the only way!  I'm sick of my thighs turning blue in the winter.

- Honest mirrors- Have you ever seen someone out in public and thought 'did nobody tell you the truth about your outfit/hair/shoes? '  I think many people would benefit from a mirror that gives you honest feedback about what you're showing it...and it could be the voice of Tim Gunn or Heidi Klum.

- Dryers that folds the laundry- c'mon, it's 2013 people! I don't care how many cycles my dryer has, I don't even really give a crap how 'eco' it is...I hate having to fold all that stuff when it's done...especially fitted sheets...those are the invention of the devil himself.  I am not paying the laundromat guy to do it, he looks like he was recently handling crystal meth, so I would prefer he not touch my unmentionables.

- Kitchens that keep an automated shopping list- I always forget stuff or don't notice that I'm running low on something...I want my kitchen to be able to tell me what I am almost out of and need to restock.  This would be very helpful for people who live together and the one person never mentions to the other when they've used the last of something...bastards.

- Shoes with built in massagers- this is just damn silliness that these do not currently exist.  They have massage slippers...let's get some sneakers and some heels in here that are going to pamper your tootsies while you're punishing them mercilessly.

- One hour cheap liposuction- you all know why this should exist...'nuff said.

- Chocolate that helps you lose weight- Why? because F**K YOU!  That's why!


Alright inventors....get into that lab and make me proud...or make me a sandwich...I'm good either way.

Things schools should actually teach

If you've ever watched "Are You Smarter Than A Fifth Grader?" then you already have an idea of how much stuff we are forced to learn in school that we never use again.  I honestly cannot tell you that the Pythagorean Theorem has come up much in my daily life, and knowing what year the French Revolution was (1789) has come up maybe once in a game of Trivial Pursuit at best.  If you've ever watched "QI" then you also know that a large amount of what they teach us and what we think is factual...is completely wrong.  Now, I have wrestled with the idea of becoming a teacher since high school when a bunch of people, including some of my own teachers at that time, told me they thought it would be a good career choice for me.  I was never a great student myself, often wondering what the point was in shoving so much trivial information into my brain in time for a test, just to forget it all within a week after the final exam.  Yet, as I entered and continue in adult life, I realize that there was much that I wish they had taken the time to teach me.  So...let's forget memorizing what year the Magna Carta was signed (1066) and close the textbook on crazy Romans (Caligula) and here is a course list I wish I could have been offered:

- How to pay your bills and create a budget
- How to write a professional emails/letters
- How to bargain
- Dressing for the office: 101
- Basic Home Repairs
- Not Acting Like a Jerk in Public: basics and advanced learning
- How to Learn
- Dating: Do's and Don'ts
- Why You Need To Appreciate Your Parents
- How to use Social Media responsibly.
- How to Listen properly
- Friendship: Why you should keep real friends and cut those out who are toxic
- How not to be a douchebag
- How to manage your credit
- Why you shouldn't live with your parents past the age of 25 for any reason
- The Art Of Walking (see previous post)
- Why you'll regret every decision you make in your teens years and early twenties

I sent this list to various education bodies around the province and Canada, however the only response I received was one teacher's college gave me an F (followed by a U).  School is a valuable and precious thing, we need to make the best of our formative years and actually start learning things we really need to know because dammit, I cannot say that I ever used my knowledge of the Bay of Pigs in daily life...and I really wanted to!!  Maybe I'll open my own school..."I've had enough of you holding me back, I'm going to clown college!"

How Rude!

It has taken me a few days to think about what my next topic would be- everything I want to rant about is work related, but I'm not one of those people who is stupid enough to talk about work over the internet...especially not since I work for an internet provider...I would be eligible for a Darwin Award for sheer lack of brain activity at that point.

While some silly things are bothering me even at this moment...like how uncomfortable this desk is (damn you Ikea), how I really don't understand this 'vent' on my can of Coors Light or how my cat will not allow me to use her as a foot stool (after all the tummy rubs..no respect)...but I seem to be thinking a lot this week as to the number of rude people I've come into contact with recently, especially since the end of summer.  Perhaps the unofficial end to a lackluster summer has put people into a grumpy mood, maybe it's just the sheer growing numbers of people in the GTA I come into contact with on any given day....or perhaps...just maybe, some people are just jerks. (insert "Stop that Mr. Simpson" quote)

Yesterday on the subway, on my way home there was a couple getting on at the same stop as me, as well as many others since it was the first stop on the line.  The couple was obviously not from the area since they had a map and seemed rather unsure as to where they were going, but they seemed pleasant enough, they certainly weren't bothering anybody.  The subway car was moderately full, there were still a few groups of seats open, so, naturally, they headed to sit in the open two-seater closest to them.  At that moment when the woman was just turning into the seat, a teenage girl swooped in and took the seat out from under her...then threw her arms out over the second seat so that her giggling friend could catch up and join her.  The girls proceeded to giggle while actively avoiding eye contact with the couple they had just inconvenienced for no reason, thinking they were funny and slick.  The couple was a bit taken aback by the blatant rudeness of what the girl had done, but they quietly went to find another spot.  The teen girls spent the rest of the ride talking and giggling obnoxiously loudly, flashing their name-brand purses and jewelry that daddy obviously bought and discussing how stupid other girls they both knew are.

These girls were physically quite attractive, amazing skin, nicely dressed, hair done, etc.  I, however, found them to be the ugliest people on the subway.  

A message to people in general is that it does not matter how hot you are, how toned or ripped your body is, how nice your clothes are, how smooth you think you are...rudeness makes you ugly.

The lady who shoves everyone out of her way in the mornings to get on my bus, ugly.  The guy who told the cashier that she was an idiot because the machine broke that she wasn't even using, ugly.  The Calvin Klein model-like guy on the subway who took up 3 seats with his gym bag and didn't move them for an older gentleman...UGLY!

Think about how you would feel if you were out somewhere on a date or with your girlfriend/boyfriend, and for no real reason, they started being quite rude to the waitstaff.  Perhaps they are complaining about the meal loudly, telling the staff off, the sort of 'omg don't say that' things that happen.  Now, how would you feel about them during and after?  If you're like me, that person just became instantly unattractive.  My mother gave me a lot of good advice over the years (like how to freak out telemarketers, thanks mom) but one of the best pieces of advice she gave me was to always notice how someone treats service people (waiters, cashiers, customer service, etc).  If they are rude to others, they will be rude to you.

It doesn't take much to not be rude...common sense and some humanity will generally serve you quite well.  I would love to know what goes on in the minds of these self-righteous, over-entitled jackasses who think the world owes them something...because if your mommy didn't love you or you secretly hate yourself...that's your own problem, except that now, everyone else hates you too.

Now, not to be rude...but I'm excusing myself to go finish this beer with or without this stupid 'vented can' feature....seriously, how is this supposed to work??...sigh.

Teenagers (part 1)

There is one thing on this planet that all people over the age of 25 hate.  It’s not taxes, it’s not paying rent…it’s something far more annoying, less useful and there is no getting rid of this particular plague.  Teenagers.  The so-called “future” of human society, every generation getting progressively worse until are eventually the death of us all.  The end of the human race will not be in a US-Russian fueled nuclear war or an extinction level asteroid…it will be teenagers.

There was a time when teenagers were considered adults and were getting married and having children at age 13, they were fully active members of society and had already achieved a good chunk of their life expectancy.  Now they are still in school, still living at home, and only the really stupid ones are having children.  While I am for them still being in school and still living at home during their teenage years, I am not against pushing back to the times when they were expected to contribute more to society that shrill laughter in inappropriate places and eye rolling at every word spoken to them.

Get a group of teenagers together and show them pictures of Vladimir Putin, Neil DeGrasse Tyson, Nikola Tesla, and Margaret Thatcher and see how many of them they recognize and know about.  Show them pictures of Justin Bieber, the man-children from One Direction and the cast of Glee and I bet you they won’t miss a single one.  When I was a teenager (let’s not discuss how long ago this may have been), I would also have been able to recognize all of the pop stars and current celebrities, but I can confidently say I would have gotten 3 out of the 4 others who are not quite so ‘pop-culture’, as would many people I went to school with.  There is a level of blame to be placed on the schools as well, I was fortunate enough that I went to a pretty good school; I didn’t know it at the time, but when I compare it to other people who went to other schools in other cities and areas, it did me well.  We were taught things such as world issues and why they were important and how to question things that we read and they actively wanted us to take a personal interest in the issues of the day.  Ask a teenager today who David Cameron is, how many would know?  Why is Russia against US action in Syria?  Do you know where Syria is on a map??  Do you know how to use a non-google map???

School seems wasted on so many students in that they do not appreciate the education while they are getting it.  They see school as an inconvenience and an annoyance that just keeps them from hanging out with their friends.  Yes, social lives are important, but they will never trump a good education, believe me, I regret skipping as much as I did during those years.  The importance that teenagers put on their social lives is completely disproportionate, and if you want proof how unimportant a teenager’s social life is, consider how many people you hung out with then are still in your life now.  How many great biographies have you read that detail the social importance of their high school years (unless they were bad bullying experiences that scarred them)?  None, because they don’t really matter…in the grand scheme of life, a teenager’s social life is as important as a benign mole on your back that you remember every 6 months when you see the doctor but pay no attention to. 

I would also like to point out to teenagers, that when adults say that you look stupid doing things like smoking, drinking and acting like baboons, they are not jealous of your youth, they are not saying that you are cool by rebelling against what adults do…they/we really do mean that you look completely and utterly stupid.  I see groups of teenagers on the subway every day coming home from their days at school, and they are always in obnoxiously loud groups giggling, shouting, yelling etc. even though they are standing 4 inches apart.  I can always see them each looking around the subway car to see if people are looking at them..they adjust their stance so they look cooler, they don’t hold a handrail because they are such pros that they ‘got this’ and they talk about whatever they think will make them sound cool to these perfect strangers who will likely never see them again.  As one of those strangers I will tell you what goes through the head of all of the people you are trying to impress…the thought is not ‘wow, they must be the cool kids, I wish I was still young’…it is ‘good god, shut up already and grow up, you’re so disruptive to everyone around you…now what do I make for dinner?’

A quick note to teens as well…this one just burns my butter…every time you use the words ‘that’s not fair’, someone over the age of 30 gets to smack you with their bank statement…because life is not fair princess.  If you think teachers are mean and unfair, wait until you get a boss you don’t like.  You think homework sucks?  Yes, reading and writing must be such a job while you sit in a house someone else paid for, eating the food they’ve provided you in the clothing you didn’t have to work for.  If it were up to me, Iphones would be banned for anyone under the age of 18, because you should have to learn how to learn before you’re allowed to have a device that tells you everything.

Don’t get me started on teenagers’ music…because we all know how bad it is..but in all fairness, all generations have had some really bad teenage music in their era.

I have a lot more I could say as to why teenagers bother the crap outta me..but as an adult, I don’t have time to list them all right now, I have work to do and bills to pay..so there will be more posts on this subject in the future.  In the meantime, if you see a teenager and they annoy you…know you aren’t alone.

Commandments of Transit and the 7 Deadly Sins of Commuting

Anyone who knows me had to know that this subject was going to come up soon.  I spend a lot of time commuting on public transit, and I mean a lot…like…too much.  I use 2 transit systems to get to and from work as well as a third when I have to visit family…so I am quite well versed in the transit of the GTA.  Subways, buses, east/west, north/south, I take them all.  As such, I see a lot of people in a day, different types of people from every walk of life (except the rich who can afford cars).  Given that I see so many people, no matter how different they may seem, many seem to be prone to committing the same common infractions of transit users that I truly believe should be inscribed on a stone tablet upon a mountain as the “Commandments of Transit”.  I have, so far, devised what shall henceforth be known as the 7 Deadly Sins of Commuting:

1. Thou shalt let people off first- letting people get off the bus/subway before you shove yourself in is pretty basic. The bus driver can see you and isn't going to just leave you there.  The subway stops are designed to allow for the general flow of traffic at the station to get off and then on in that order. Violating this commandment does allow me to shoulder-check you out of the way.

2. Thou shalt not bring thy bicycle onto transit vehicles- You are a douchebag if you bring your bicycle into the subway or onto the bus.  Especially is you bring it into the bus because most TTC buses have racks on the outside meant for them.  You are bringing a mode of transportation onto another form of transportation, so you're both a douchebag and superfluous.  Those things take up so much room, and why? Because you couldn't bike the whole way? Then don't take your bike you damn hippie!

3. Thou shalt mind thy bags- Did you pay two fares? No? Then you don't get two seats, move your freakin' bags.  If you are blocking the seats with your shopping bags and you roll your eyes at me when I ask to sit down and make you move your oh-so-precious bags...I will pick them up and beat you over the head with them.  If you bring a thousand bags onto the bus or subway (especially during rush hour), you either need to take a cab or re-think your shopping strategies.

4. Thou shalt give up your seat- God help you if I see you not give your seat to a person in need! If you are sitting down and someone who needs a seat is standing near you (handicapped, disabled, pregnant, elderly etc.) then you are the worst kind of person.  I declare every right to yank you out of your seat by the scruff of your hair and toss you out of the moving vehicle.  I don't care if you're tired, if your feet hurt etc...get the hell out of that seat when someone needs it more than you do.

5. Thou shalt not talk to the driver-  Need directions? Google them. If you want to double check that the bus or subway is going the direction that you need, fine, ask away, but do not proceed to then ask them how to complete your entire transit adventure...look it up before you get on.  I don't need to be stuck at a stop because your stupid ass cannot figure out that Bay is west of Yonge or that you need to change buses somewhere.  The driver also does not want to hear about your day, your friend who worked on a bus or anything other than the sound of you not speaking...just let them do their jobs in peace.

6. Thou shalt not sit next to me- The general rule is that you should not sit next to someone unless it is unavoidable.  If there is a spot where you can sit and not be next to anyone, that is the spot you take.  I don't want someone next to me if at all possible, so if I am sitting alone in a two seater and there is another empty two seater...do not come sit next to me...that is like taking the urinal beside another man, you just don't do it.  If the bus/subway is busy, then fine, sit, but stay on your side, don't talk to me and if you start being noisy in anyway, I will jab you with my elbow into your ribcage.

7. Thou shalt shut the hell up- This is simple...be quiet.  If you yammer away on your cellphone on a bus, or chat incessantly with your friend(s) on the bus/subway, you need to know that every person around you wants to rip out your vocal chords.  

Now go forth and spread this gospel.