As a newlywed, people all ask you the same list of predictable questions, and you get very weary of giving the same answers to the same 'small talk' type questions over and over. Luckily, I am a smartass. This means I have some backup answers to the typical questions that I whip out when I'm especially exasperated by the line of conversation:
How long were you together before you got married?
- about 5 minutes, but a green-card's a green-card, am I right?
- all my life, because we're cousins
- we've technically been dating for 5 years but I stalked him for another 4 before that.
Does being married feel different?
- yes, I find it's much harder to keep the homicidal tendencies in check
- yes, it now burns when I pee
- no, I've been dead inside for years
- not really, except it does make it harder emotionally to keep sleeping with yo' momma
Thinking about having kids?
- I did, but then their mom caught me luring them into the van
- we can't have kids...it's against my parole
- yes, would you also like to know about my menstrual cycles if we're getting so personal?
- no, we're too afraid they'd turn out to be a jerk like you.
- we are waiting to learn more about the serial killer genetic study
Was it a big wedding?
- yes, we invited everyone in the world, just not you.
- no, my prison cell was only big enough for a small group
- we had 50 guests...all cats.
-we were attended by 73 African shaman and 2 goats...so ya know, the usual.
Where was the honeymoon?
- Jane and Finch
- IHop, we got extra bacon
- Mordor
- Azkaban
Do you like being married?
-yes, I am enjoying letting myself go
-no, it's awful and sucks...is that what you want to hear?
-sure, when my spouse dies, I get money!
- of course, I love my tax deduction, I mean, spouse.
White Girl Blogging
Monday 14 December 2015
Friday 11 December 2015
Music
Music is timeless and universal. We don't all enjoy the same genres or songs, but music is in our genetics. A song can bring back the most vivid memory no matter how long it has been since we last heard it...personally I have a laundry list of songs that transport me to points in my past both good and bad. The artist who made the song can also evoke many memories themselves- Rod Stewart will always remind me of my mother while hearing Bush will make me cringe with memories of middle school.
So today while I had the radio on while in the shower, as each new artist came on, I realized that there are a lot of bands/singers that immediately evoke certain thoughts and memories no matter how many times I hear the.
AC/DC - How do you still have vocal chords after all these years?
Led Zeppelin- Everything you make is amazing but really I just wanna hear Stairway
Beyoncė- I just want to look like you
Red Hot Chili Peppers- You like California, we get it.
Red Hot Chili Peppers- You like California, we get it.
Coldplay- You are the white crayon of music
The Beatles- The 60's must have been so damn cool
Michael Jackson - I wish I could dance
Taylor Swift- The perky girl in high school we all wanted to punch in the throat.
Taylor Swift- The perky girl in high school we all wanted to punch in the throat.
Blue Rodeo - Molson Amphitheatre
Queen- Why God!?! Why did you have to take Freddie?!
Queen- Why God!?! Why did you have to take Freddie?!
Tragically Hip - Canada! Canada!
Kanye - What....a.....complete.......dick
Anything classical - I am so classy
Celine Dion - That damn Titanic song
Bon Jovi- Nice hair
Bon Jovi- Nice hair
Journey- I once briefly stopped believin'
Johnny Cash - Joaquin Phoenix
Mamas and the Papas- Ham Sandwich
The Eagles- Your dad
Neil Young- Suck it, Geffen.
The Smashing Pumpkins - "I'm Billy Corgan, Smashing Pumpkins...I'm Homer Simpson, smiling politely"
My newest one came last night while watching Modern Family and Jay defended his use of 'Snoop Dogg' as a Halloween costume by saying 'I didn't even know who he was, I assumed he was some doggy detective'.
Johnny Cash - Joaquin Phoenix
Mamas and the Papas- Ham Sandwich
The Eagles- Your dad
Neil Young- Suck it, Geffen.
The Smashing Pumpkins - "I'm Billy Corgan, Smashing Pumpkins...I'm Homer Simpson, smiling politely"
My newest one came last night while watching Modern Family and Jay defended his use of 'Snoop Dogg' as a Halloween costume by saying 'I didn't even know who he was, I assumed he was some doggy detective'.
Thursday 26 November 2015
A Few Words
So far I haven't had any luck getting through to the official dictionary people, however soon enough I'll have invented enough new words to start my own. I will name it "The Book of SMRT". Here are today's words:
Excerfries verb. (ex-sir-frize)- to indulge in junk food because you worked out once
Twenteenager noun. (twun-teen-ay-jer)- for those early twenties where you haven't really grown up yet
Bronami (bro-nah-mee) or dudenado (dood-nay-doh) noun.- getting caught in a large group of bros/dudes who are all dressed like douches and you can't seem to escape their whirlwind of doucheness
Christmass (kriss-m-ass) noun.- the weight you put on during the holiday season
Thursday 12 November 2015
Why I'm Offended By You Being Offended
"It's now very common to hear people say, 'I'm rather offended by that.' As if that gives them certain rights. it's actually nothing more...than a whine. 'I find that offensive.' It has no meaning; it has no purpose; it has no reason to be respected as a phrase. 'I am offended by that.' Well, so fucking what." - Stephen Fry
As if I needed a reason to love Stephen Fry any more, I wish I could print this out and staple it to the foreheads of the vast number of people who seem to be offended by everything in the world these days.
I recently heard someone say that we are living in the 'Age of Offense', where everyone is offended by everything. It's true. Those participation medals that every child got, the message of 'you're special' and the generations who were raised without war, famine, poverty or any real hardship are now in the age group that is focused on by the media. These are the kids who were coddled, silver spoon-fed the notion that they and they alone were the most special and important flower in the world. Little Johnny never-suffer never had to grow with people not caring about what he wanted, how he felt and, god forbid, whether he was 'offended'.
All those years of buying 16 year olds cars, paying for their education, letting them live rent free, giving them whatever they wanted, have come to bite us all in the collective ass. We always wondered how these kids would grow up and enter the real world...the answer is that they are pricks. They were never taught the crucial life lesson that the world does not revolve around them and what they want and how they feel. This means that when someone does or says something that they don't like...they get their hackles up in 'offence' because it somehow doesn't cater to Little Johnny and his specific views. And we can't have that can we? No no! The world must get on its knees and kiss Little Johnny's butt forever, because that's what mommy did and mommy said he was special!
It seems that there is nothing in the world that these over privileged first world problemers won't get all up in arms over and scream 'offensive'. Every online post, every picture, every comment, it all seems to offend someone. Now, sometimes, it's valid to be offended by something, for example, everything Donald Trump has ever said is generally offensive to everyone. However...a cup. A CUP?! Are you kidding me?! Starbucks' holiday themed cup this year is red...plain red. When I saw it, I liked it; I thought it was sleek, simple and subtle. Somehow people are offended that there are no pictures of Jesus or Christmas on it. Really? I didn't realize Starbucks was a part of the Christian church. So they demand Christ for Christmas cups, but I bet they'd scream bloody murder if they were served a blue Hanukah cup or a brightly coloured Diwali cup. Because only their belief is valid...that's what mommy said. How about instead of crying over the colour of the cup, you shut up and be thankful that you're able to live in a country that allows you the lifestyle to afford an $8 latte,
The worst offenders are college students. They are old enough to think they're grown ups but still so young that they haven't left their bubble of life's cosy shelter. Just yesterday online, I saw a brief story of students who were offended by their professor correcting their spelling and grammar in their work....in a university. Uh....huh. That tuition money was well spent. College campuses used to be great gigs for touring comedians, but the majority of them won't go anywhere near college gigs anymore because the students have cried 'offensive' so many times that they feel the environment is too limiting and oppressive to speak at. So, you'll gladly show your tits on camera at Spring Break but you'll get offended when someone looks at you sexually. (By the way, if that offends you, please let me know, I'd hate to miss it).
Thousands of people are dying every day around the world from hunger, war, disease and disasters...but you're going to focus your attention on being offended by Caitlyn Jenner being called 'brave' for coming out as transgendered. We all know that the real tragedy there is that she didn't name her new TV show 'TransJenner'.
There are offensive things in the world, but pick your battles. Is whatever your crying about really important? Does it affect your life deeply? Then grow up and carry on with your life like a normal human being.
As if I needed a reason to love Stephen Fry any more, I wish I could print this out and staple it to the foreheads of the vast number of people who seem to be offended by everything in the world these days.
I recently heard someone say that we are living in the 'Age of Offense', where everyone is offended by everything. It's true. Those participation medals that every child got, the message of 'you're special' and the generations who were raised without war, famine, poverty or any real hardship are now in the age group that is focused on by the media. These are the kids who were coddled, silver spoon-fed the notion that they and they alone were the most special and important flower in the world. Little Johnny never-suffer never had to grow with people not caring about what he wanted, how he felt and, god forbid, whether he was 'offended'.
All those years of buying 16 year olds cars, paying for their education, letting them live rent free, giving them whatever they wanted, have come to bite us all in the collective ass. We always wondered how these kids would grow up and enter the real world...the answer is that they are pricks. They were never taught the crucial life lesson that the world does not revolve around them and what they want and how they feel. This means that when someone does or says something that they don't like...they get their hackles up in 'offence' because it somehow doesn't cater to Little Johnny and his specific views. And we can't have that can we? No no! The world must get on its knees and kiss Little Johnny's butt forever, because that's what mommy did and mommy said he was special!
It seems that there is nothing in the world that these over privileged first world problemers won't get all up in arms over and scream 'offensive'. Every online post, every picture, every comment, it all seems to offend someone. Now, sometimes, it's valid to be offended by something, for example, everything Donald Trump has ever said is generally offensive to everyone. However...a cup. A CUP?! Are you kidding me?! Starbucks' holiday themed cup this year is red...plain red. When I saw it, I liked it; I thought it was sleek, simple and subtle. Somehow people are offended that there are no pictures of Jesus or Christmas on it. Really? I didn't realize Starbucks was a part of the Christian church. So they demand Christ for Christmas cups, but I bet they'd scream bloody murder if they were served a blue Hanukah cup or a brightly coloured Diwali cup. Because only their belief is valid...that's what mommy said. How about instead of crying over the colour of the cup, you shut up and be thankful that you're able to live in a country that allows you the lifestyle to afford an $8 latte,
The worst offenders are college students. They are old enough to think they're grown ups but still so young that they haven't left their bubble of life's cosy shelter. Just yesterday online, I saw a brief story of students who were offended by their professor correcting their spelling and grammar in their work....in a university. Uh....huh. That tuition money was well spent. College campuses used to be great gigs for touring comedians, but the majority of them won't go anywhere near college gigs anymore because the students have cried 'offensive' so many times that they feel the environment is too limiting and oppressive to speak at. So, you'll gladly show your tits on camera at Spring Break but you'll get offended when someone looks at you sexually. (By the way, if that offends you, please let me know, I'd hate to miss it).
Thousands of people are dying every day around the world from hunger, war, disease and disasters...but you're going to focus your attention on being offended by Caitlyn Jenner being called 'brave' for coming out as transgendered. We all know that the real tragedy there is that she didn't name her new TV show 'TransJenner'.
There are offensive things in the world, but pick your battles. Is whatever your crying about really important? Does it affect your life deeply? Then grow up and carry on with your life like a normal human being.
Friday 18 September 2015
More New Words!
I can't say that this is how I imagined I would be putting my language degree to use, but at least it wasn't a total waste (sorry mom and dad). I will eventually have to recap all of these new word creations of mine and start my own dictionary since those twats at the Oxford won't allow me within 50 meters of their office anymore. Here are today's words:
Spoontang (Spoon-tang) noun. A guilty pleasure of indulging in food. Eg: I have some Ben and Jerry's in my freezer waiting for me...I'm gonna get me some spoontang.
Procatstinate (Pro-kat-stinn-ate) verb. To waste time watching cat videos online. Eg. I was supposed to be getting that report done for my boss but I spent the whole day procatstinating watching Simon's Cat on YouTube.
Caffiend- (Ka-feend) noun. A person who is massively addicted to caffeine such a coffee and energy drinks. Eg. Mike really needs to cut down on the coffee, he's a major caffiend, he's up to 5 a day.
Tadpolling (Tad-pol-ling) verb. Dating someone much too young for you. Sharon is 39 and is dating a 21 year old guys, I don't know why she's tadpolling instead of looking for someone a bit more mature.
Spoontang (Spoon-tang) noun. A guilty pleasure of indulging in food. Eg: I have some Ben and Jerry's in my freezer waiting for me...I'm gonna get me some spoontang.
Procatstinate (Pro-kat-stinn-ate) verb. To waste time watching cat videos online. Eg. I was supposed to be getting that report done for my boss but I spent the whole day procatstinating watching Simon's Cat on YouTube.
Caffiend- (Ka-feend) noun. A person who is massively addicted to caffeine such a coffee and energy drinks. Eg. Mike really needs to cut down on the coffee, he's a major caffiend, he's up to 5 a day.
Tadpolling (Tad-pol-ling) verb. Dating someone much too young for you. Sharon is 39 and is dating a 21 year old guys, I don't know why she's tadpolling instead of looking for someone a bit more mature.
Tuesday 15 September 2015
Stop that Sh*t
I haven't had a good rant in awhile...I'm feeling a bit pent up. Having re-read some of my older posts, I was inspired to re-hash one of the same general ideas and simply list off shit that needs to stop. These are things that, if you are guilty of doing them, cease and desist immediately. I will rain down pain upon you for continuing to do these things after having been warned...I cannot say where or when or even exactly how...but it will happen (and will likely involve 7 bees, an unwashed sleeping bag and 3, possibly 4 batteries).
Dear world...stop
- wearing man buns....you look like a hairy ballerina form a child's nightmare
- putting your dogs in outfits...I hope they bite you
- being offended by everything...grow some balls
- posting about how blessed you are- shut it!
- not offering your seat to someone in need....God help me I will come at you like a badger!
- taking up more than your share of the sidewalk....I will push you into the traffic and nobody will see
- saying Caitlyn Jenner isn't as brave as army soldiers...there are different kinds of bravery. all valid
- showing up late to everything...if you don't value my time I no longer value your friendship
- pushing your health regiment on me...I will shove that kale smoothie where it will be of no benefit to your digestive system
- pretending like you're too cool for everything...then you're obviously too cool for me too so go away
- pumpkin spice....seriously, f**k off
- Donald Trump....the joke isn't funny anymore
- hating that a murdered lion got media attention...animals are vital to our eco-system, the illegal slaughter of them needs to be dealt with
- calling Toronto 'the 6'. It's not a thing...stop trying to make it happen. Drake is a very privileged kid from Forest Hill who was a child actor and never wanted for anything, don't buy the thug image.
- reacting without researching- at least learn what you're mad about
- cancelling shows I love....Buzzcocks, Futurama...a 27 year break between Sherlock series
- lumping all people who support a cause in with the asshole extremists of that cause...muslim extremists, feminazis, christian fundamentalists....they are the worst case scenario, not everyone goes that far and they just give everyone else in the group a bad name
- showing me pictures of Phil Kessel in a Pens uniform...I'm not ready man....not ready
- making me wait for more Game of Thrones
- advertising $200 airfare but then charging $700 tax and fees
- hammer time
Ok...are we clear? Will the entire planet stop this now? That's how this works right?....I'm trusting you.
Dear world...stop
- wearing man buns....you look like a hairy ballerina form a child's nightmare
- putting your dogs in outfits...I hope they bite you
- being offended by everything...grow some balls
- posting about how blessed you are- shut it!
- not offering your seat to someone in need....God help me I will come at you like a badger!
- taking up more than your share of the sidewalk....I will push you into the traffic and nobody will see
- saying Caitlyn Jenner isn't as brave as army soldiers...there are different kinds of bravery. all valid
- showing up late to everything...if you don't value my time I no longer value your friendship
- pushing your health regiment on me...I will shove that kale smoothie where it will be of no benefit to your digestive system
- pretending like you're too cool for everything...then you're obviously too cool for me too so go away
- pumpkin spice....seriously, f**k off
- Donald Trump....the joke isn't funny anymore
- hating that a murdered lion got media attention...animals are vital to our eco-system, the illegal slaughter of them needs to be dealt with
- calling Toronto 'the 6'. It's not a thing...stop trying to make it happen. Drake is a very privileged kid from Forest Hill who was a child actor and never wanted for anything, don't buy the thug image.
- reacting without researching- at least learn what you're mad about
- cancelling shows I love....Buzzcocks, Futurama...a 27 year break between Sherlock series
- lumping all people who support a cause in with the asshole extremists of that cause...muslim extremists, feminazis, christian fundamentalists....they are the worst case scenario, not everyone goes that far and they just give everyone else in the group a bad name
- showing me pictures of Phil Kessel in a Pens uniform...I'm not ready man....not ready
- making me wait for more Game of Thrones
- advertising $200 airfare but then charging $700 tax and fees
- hammer time
Ok...are we clear? Will the entire planet stop this now? That's how this works right?....I'm trusting you.
Tuesday 25 August 2015
Signs you're getting OLDER
When we were kids, we couldn't wait to grow up. We wanted to be big kids. When we were big kids, we wanted to be teenagers. When we were teenagers, we wanted to be adults. Now that we're adults, we want to turn time back and be young again. Where did the time go? I sometimes still think I'm young, that is, until I hang out with young people. Then I realize that I am getting older...I may not be ancient, but I'm not the young fresh flower I once was. There are some very clear signs from the universe that the abacus of your lifespan is notching ever over to one side.
- You are happier when people cancel plans with you than make plans
- You get the same joy from having clean laundry that you once did from new outfits
- Creaky knees
- You hate the music on the radio (unless you listen to oldies stations)
- You get upset at Forever 21 for selling crop tops with Nirvana, Clash and AC/DC on them because the kids today are too young to really appreciate those bands enough to deserve the tshirts.
- You feel weird when standing in Hot Topic
- Bad back!
- You watch the original Jurassic Park movie and agree with the lawyer.
- You remember when Adam Sandler was funny
- The athletes your age are all retiring.
- You'll pay the extra money for good shoes because you can't take the cute shoes that hurt your feet anymore
- You'll also pay extra for direct flights, bigger seats etc. when travelling because your body can't take the stress and discomfort anymore
-Hangovers last for days instead of hours
- The only reason a cute 21 year old guy comes up to you is to ask you directions
- Your parents become the children in the relationship
- You watch a political debate...sober....on purpose
- The big thing you're saving for is new towels
- The night ends at 10pm
- You'd rather hang out with your cat than 95% of the people you know
- You have no idea what Tinder is for
- You care how much fiber is in your diet
- Finding a good tasting low fat cheese can make your day
- More than 2 cups of coffee/tea makes you edgy
- You remember a time when people didn't get offended by absolutely everything
- You're no longer excited when friends get engaged because you know the hassle that will follow
- Mortgage payments
- You finally realize that nobody owes you anything in life
- Kraft Dinner is more a treat and less a nightly necessity
- You remember when The Simpsons was the best show on tv
- There are no high school photos of you on Facebook because cell phone cameras weren't a thing
- You genuinely forget how old you are when asked
- When you look at the 'Must Be Born Before This Date In' year to buy cigarettes...you're shocked at that year.
-McDonald's just doesn't taste as good anymore
-Teenagers are the worst thing on the planet
- Cat videos become far better than music videos
You know what they say...getting old sucks but the alternative is much worse.
- You are happier when people cancel plans with you than make plans
- You get the same joy from having clean laundry that you once did from new outfits
- Creaky knees
- You hate the music on the radio (unless you listen to oldies stations)
- You get upset at Forever 21 for selling crop tops with Nirvana, Clash and AC/DC on them because the kids today are too young to really appreciate those bands enough to deserve the tshirts.
- You feel weird when standing in Hot Topic
- Bad back!
- You watch the original Jurassic Park movie and agree with the lawyer.
- You remember when Adam Sandler was funny
- The athletes your age are all retiring.
- You'll pay the extra money for good shoes because you can't take the cute shoes that hurt your feet anymore
- You'll also pay extra for direct flights, bigger seats etc. when travelling because your body can't take the stress and discomfort anymore
-Hangovers last for days instead of hours
- The only reason a cute 21 year old guy comes up to you is to ask you directions
- Your parents become the children in the relationship
- You watch a political debate...sober....on purpose
- The big thing you're saving for is new towels
- The night ends at 10pm
- You'd rather hang out with your cat than 95% of the people you know
- You have no idea what Tinder is for
- You care how much fiber is in your diet
- Finding a good tasting low fat cheese can make your day
- More than 2 cups of coffee/tea makes you edgy
- You remember a time when people didn't get offended by absolutely everything
- You're no longer excited when friends get engaged because you know the hassle that will follow
- Mortgage payments
- You finally realize that nobody owes you anything in life
- Kraft Dinner is more a treat and less a nightly necessity
- You remember when The Simpsons was the best show on tv
- There are no high school photos of you on Facebook because cell phone cameras weren't a thing
- You genuinely forget how old you are when asked
- When you look at the 'Must Be Born Before This Date In' year to buy cigarettes...you're shocked at that year.
-McDonald's just doesn't taste as good anymore
-Teenagers are the worst thing on the planet
- Cat videos become far better than music videos
You know what they say...getting old sucks but the alternative is much worse.
Thursday 20 August 2015
New Greetings Cards
Today marks the 2 year anniversary of this blog
*crickets*
My bloggiversary may not exactly be the event of the year, but it did make me think of how many occasions there are without sufficient greeting card availability. So while I will forgive my readers (all 0.3 of you) for not sending me a card to celebrate this milestone, I will mark this monument of life with some of my ideas for cards that Hallmark just doesn't have covered yet:
"Congratulations on finally dumping the gf/bf I've always hated but never had the heart to tell you so"
"Happy Freedom from your cellular contract day!"- given to commemorate the last day of your Bell/Rogers/Telus contract- the day you are free from one evil to go get screwed the exact same way by one of the others in a viscous customer-f**king cycle.
"Congratulations on passing that tape worm!"
"I'm sorry I gave you the herp"
"My deepest condolences that your child grew up to be a douchebag"
"Congrats on having a hot sibling, can I come for dinner more often?"
"You Did It! You found your keys in your purse on the first try!"
"Happy one year anniversary of not using the word 'bro', keep it up!"
"Happy Birthday Kitty" - to be given to your cat on his/her bday (please note: yes, I did wish my cat a happy birthday AND bought her a present).
"Thank you for always being the fat friend"
"My sincerest apologies for calling your baby ugly, I didn't mean for you to hear that"
"Way to get through high school without getting knocked up!"
"My deepest sympathies on finding out you're over 40 and pregnant"
"Let's celebrate! Our husbands weren't on the Ashley Madison subscribers list!"
"Happy anniversary of losing your virginity to some random dude!"
"Congratulations that your celebrity crush is getting a divorce!"
"Thank you for not telling my parents all the awful stuff we did in high school"
"Happy good hair day!"
"Congratulations on finally stopping dressing like a two-dollar hooker"
"You're getting married! Why?!"
" I'm sorry that you accidentally sexted your mom/dad"
"Congrats! You stopped f**king swearing!"
*crickets*
My bloggiversary may not exactly be the event of the year, but it did make me think of how many occasions there are without sufficient greeting card availability. So while I will forgive my readers (all 0.3 of you) for not sending me a card to celebrate this milestone, I will mark this monument of life with some of my ideas for cards that Hallmark just doesn't have covered yet:
"Congratulations on finally dumping the gf/bf I've always hated but never had the heart to tell you so"
"Happy Freedom from your cellular contract day!"- given to commemorate the last day of your Bell/Rogers/Telus contract- the day you are free from one evil to go get screwed the exact same way by one of the others in a viscous customer-f**king cycle.
"Congratulations on passing that tape worm!"
"I'm sorry I gave you the herp"
"My deepest condolences that your child grew up to be a douchebag"
"Congrats on having a hot sibling, can I come for dinner more often?"
"You Did It! You found your keys in your purse on the first try!"
"Happy one year anniversary of not using the word 'bro', keep it up!"
"Happy Birthday Kitty" - to be given to your cat on his/her bday (please note: yes, I did wish my cat a happy birthday AND bought her a present).
"Thank you for always being the fat friend"
"My sincerest apologies for calling your baby ugly, I didn't mean for you to hear that"
"Way to get through high school without getting knocked up!"
"My deepest sympathies on finding out you're over 40 and pregnant"
"Let's celebrate! Our husbands weren't on the Ashley Madison subscribers list!"
"Happy anniversary of losing your virginity to some random dude!"
"Congratulations that your celebrity crush is getting a divorce!"
"Thank you for not telling my parents all the awful stuff we did in high school"
"Happy good hair day!"
"Congratulations on finally stopping dressing like a two-dollar hooker"
"You're getting married! Why?!"
" I'm sorry that you accidentally sexted your mom/dad"
"Congrats! You stopped f**king swearing!"
Wednesday 22 July 2015
Some notes on my beloved Toronto
I'm as close to being considered a 'world traveler' as Kim Kardashian is to being considered a scholar. I was born and raised in the city in which I still reside, Toronto, Ontario, Canada. I am very Canadian... I love Tim Hortons, I watch hockey, I hold doors open for people, I speak French and I love poutine. I didn't start leaving Canada to visit other places until later in my 20's and more so now in my 30's (although I still maintain that my age is perpetually 24). The list of cities/countries outside of Canada to which I have been is very short, especially compared to most of my friends, many of whom have been on more trips than I have failed diets attempts. However, while my travels are limited and none can be considered exotic, each one has given me new appreciations and lamentations regarding the hometown to which I return at the end of each journey. So here I lay out some of the new perspectives, wishes, complaints and perhaps even ideas that I have brought back with me to Toronto, for Toronto.
The number one issue is the one I think all Torontonians would agree with...public transit. The TTC sucks the big one in so many ways when you compare our transit system on a global scale. New York City and London may have much larger populations than Toronto by 2, 3, maybe even 4 times over...but their transit systems outshine ours in exponents that can only be calculated by NASA. We have 3.5 subway lines for the largest population in Canada and a city that is building so many condos in the downtown core it's as if they have a hoarding problem. Only 2 of the lines are ever really used, because the only time the Sheppard line is ever used is when people without cars need to go to IKEA. The Scarborough "SRT" line isn't a subway....it's pretty much just a bus in a cave. Looking at a map of London's underground, it's so thorough and complex it's its own small city. If you don't live on Yonge Street or Bloor/Danforth, Toronto's subway is useless. Even if you do...do not bother trying to ride it at any given rush hour as the capacity is roughly 10% of the actual human traffic. To top it off, what's our big solution? Building a line nobody wants or will use in Scarborough....*slow clap* bravo. At least I can say that our subway cars are nicely air conditioned....lookin at you Rome metro! 40 degrees, jammed in like sardines and no air conditioning? Is Caligula back in charge?
History. Canadians don't have much of it, we're not even officially 150 years old yet while some European cities are so old they were built by cro-magnon man. Having recently visited the "Eternal City" aka Rome, Italy...you cannot help but develop an extra large sense of appreciation for history. Their prize ruins are exactly that, ruined pieces of once monumental buildings from an age long dead; ruined by barbarian invaders, pollution, nature and time. But they are still there. They are preserved, valued, kept up, prized and studied. They live modernly alongside history in a way that should be more of an example to other cities. I don't think Toronto has said 'no' to a request to tear down a beautiful old building...ever. Toronto doesn't blink an eye at the idea of tearing down something old and historic to throw up some ugly new condo building as long as the right amount of money changes hands. Walk along the river Tiber and look at the buildings along the water. Now walk along the waterfront of Lake Ontario and look at the sea of concrete and glass condos....makes you want to throw up in your mouth. I am all for progress and development in the city...please do tear down some of the ugly useless buildings and make them bigger and better...but if I see one more century old building that's as old as Toronto being torn down for some concrete tower...I'm moving to Barrie. (not really, that's gross). I realize I could also praise London and Edinburgh for their gorgeous old buildings...but Rome is the gold standard.
Food. This one I will say, each city has its strengths. Toronto has amazing variety of food, it's a great place to be a foodie because you can find any cuisine imaginable offered somewhere in the city. Rome...the quality of the ingredients is just unparalleled, it's all so fresh and nurtured that the food has to be super simple otherwise you lose the fresh tastes. I will dream of that buffalo mozzarella and prosciutto for the rest of my days. New York.,..American portion sizes are enough to solve world hunger. They give you enough food on one plate to keep you full for a week. Montreal, your poutine should have its own religion. London....umm...well....I approve of the high levels of tea availability. I'm not even including Edinburgh in this...you should be ashamed.
Public washrooms. I'm a woman...I need to pee frequently. Toronto is great for washrooms...if you need to go, you're probably within a 5 minute walk of a decent bathroom. London is also great, they have pay toilets but it's very cheap and just ensures that they are funded to be cleaned...one I went into even had a hair drier and a hair straightener....genius! New York...they were fairly frequent but pretty hepatitis-y. A lot of trying not to touch anything and always hover-pee. Montreal....I really don't know...I spent so much time so drunk that I don't know what I did or where I went. Rome...oh Rome....you bastards. Not only are there zero washrooms anywhere but the ones they do have are more like torture devices. Did people not pee in BC times? Did Michelangelo not need a potty break when painting the Sistine? Bah!
Art. Rome has the Sistine Chapel, works older than most civilizations and sculpture that would bring a blind man to his knees. London has some of the most beautiful treasures ever found from the world over (granted, most of them not created in England....*cough* Greek). Montreal's art exhibitions are always super impressive and hip. New York embodies art in so many ways outside of the staggering art museums that it's everywhere. Toronto....umm....we...don't match up. The AGO? Good god, the building itself looks like something a 2nd year architecture student sneezed out and the most impressive shows we get are Andy Warhol's 3rd cousin's uncle's sketchbook rejects. Our taste in art as a city on the whole seems to reflect in our huge buildings...flat, boring, unoriginal. We have small pockets of great stuff...but going to a museum or 'big' show in Toronto is just... exactly.
So those are my chosen 5 categories...there are a million other comparisons that could be made but I feel like these first few would be a good start to improving the prospects for my humble T-dot. Perhaps after my next planned destination (Paris) I will have more insight...if nothing else into the French-English rivalry that Toronto-Montreal can quasi join in on. So...how do I send this to John Tory to get a move on? He seems to be on Breakfast Television every other day...time to stalk Frankish!
The number one issue is the one I think all Torontonians would agree with...public transit. The TTC sucks the big one in so many ways when you compare our transit system on a global scale. New York City and London may have much larger populations than Toronto by 2, 3, maybe even 4 times over...but their transit systems outshine ours in exponents that can only be calculated by NASA. We have 3.5 subway lines for the largest population in Canada and a city that is building so many condos in the downtown core it's as if they have a hoarding problem. Only 2 of the lines are ever really used, because the only time the Sheppard line is ever used is when people without cars need to go to IKEA. The Scarborough "SRT" line isn't a subway....it's pretty much just a bus in a cave. Looking at a map of London's underground, it's so thorough and complex it's its own small city. If you don't live on Yonge Street or Bloor/Danforth, Toronto's subway is useless. Even if you do...do not bother trying to ride it at any given rush hour as the capacity is roughly 10% of the actual human traffic. To top it off, what's our big solution? Building a line nobody wants or will use in Scarborough....*slow clap* bravo. At least I can say that our subway cars are nicely air conditioned....lookin at you Rome metro! 40 degrees, jammed in like sardines and no air conditioning? Is Caligula back in charge?
History. Canadians don't have much of it, we're not even officially 150 years old yet while some European cities are so old they were built by cro-magnon man. Having recently visited the "Eternal City" aka Rome, Italy...you cannot help but develop an extra large sense of appreciation for history. Their prize ruins are exactly that, ruined pieces of once monumental buildings from an age long dead; ruined by barbarian invaders, pollution, nature and time. But they are still there. They are preserved, valued, kept up, prized and studied. They live modernly alongside history in a way that should be more of an example to other cities. I don't think Toronto has said 'no' to a request to tear down a beautiful old building...ever. Toronto doesn't blink an eye at the idea of tearing down something old and historic to throw up some ugly new condo building as long as the right amount of money changes hands. Walk along the river Tiber and look at the buildings along the water. Now walk along the waterfront of Lake Ontario and look at the sea of concrete and glass condos....makes you want to throw up in your mouth. I am all for progress and development in the city...please do tear down some of the ugly useless buildings and make them bigger and better...but if I see one more century old building that's as old as Toronto being torn down for some concrete tower...I'm moving to Barrie. (not really, that's gross). I realize I could also praise London and Edinburgh for their gorgeous old buildings...but Rome is the gold standard.
Food. This one I will say, each city has its strengths. Toronto has amazing variety of food, it's a great place to be a foodie because you can find any cuisine imaginable offered somewhere in the city. Rome...the quality of the ingredients is just unparalleled, it's all so fresh and nurtured that the food has to be super simple otherwise you lose the fresh tastes. I will dream of that buffalo mozzarella and prosciutto for the rest of my days. New York.,..American portion sizes are enough to solve world hunger. They give you enough food on one plate to keep you full for a week. Montreal, your poutine should have its own religion. London....umm...well....I approve of the high levels of tea availability. I'm not even including Edinburgh in this...you should be ashamed.
Public washrooms. I'm a woman...I need to pee frequently. Toronto is great for washrooms...if you need to go, you're probably within a 5 minute walk of a decent bathroom. London is also great, they have pay toilets but it's very cheap and just ensures that they are funded to be cleaned...one I went into even had a hair drier and a hair straightener....genius! New York...they were fairly frequent but pretty hepatitis-y. A lot of trying not to touch anything and always hover-pee. Montreal....I really don't know...I spent so much time so drunk that I don't know what I did or where I went. Rome...oh Rome....you bastards. Not only are there zero washrooms anywhere but the ones they do have are more like torture devices. Did people not pee in BC times? Did Michelangelo not need a potty break when painting the Sistine? Bah!
Art. Rome has the Sistine Chapel, works older than most civilizations and sculpture that would bring a blind man to his knees. London has some of the most beautiful treasures ever found from the world over (granted, most of them not created in England....*cough* Greek). Montreal's art exhibitions are always super impressive and hip. New York embodies art in so many ways outside of the staggering art museums that it's everywhere. Toronto....umm....we...don't match up. The AGO? Good god, the building itself looks like something a 2nd year architecture student sneezed out and the most impressive shows we get are Andy Warhol's 3rd cousin's uncle's sketchbook rejects. Our taste in art as a city on the whole seems to reflect in our huge buildings...flat, boring, unoriginal. We have small pockets of great stuff...but going to a museum or 'big' show in Toronto is just... exactly.
So those are my chosen 5 categories...there are a million other comparisons that could be made but I feel like these first few would be a good start to improving the prospects for my humble T-dot. Perhaps after my next planned destination (Paris) I will have more insight...if nothing else into the French-English rivalry that Toronto-Montreal can quasi join in on. So...how do I send this to John Tory to get a move on? He seems to be on Breakfast Television every other day...time to stalk Frankish!
Monday 15 June 2015
Newest vocabulary submissions to the OED
To date, nobody from the Oxford English dictionary (OED) has contacted me regarding my prior submissions to the dictionary...other than 2 restraining orders and 1 cease-and-desist. This has not dampened my spirits or crushed the hopes that one day I will make it into the common vernacular, even if those language snobs refuse to acknowledge my advanced linguistic propensity! To put it simply...suck it word dweebs, these words are happening:
Decorbating (deck-orb-bait-ing) verb. To find a bit too much pleasure and obsession in decorating. Eg. "You spend way too much time and money decorbating in Pottery Barn, how many damn mason jars do we need?!"
Cock Blogging (Cok Blawg-ing) verb. To destroy a guy's chances with other women by posting online about his lack of size or performance in the bedroom. Eg. "I thought I was in with that cute new girl but my ex cock blogged me by posting about how bad I am."
Flamentation (flam-men-tay-shun) noun. To overact your regret or sadness over something to make yourself the center of attention. Eg. "Where is crazy aunt Mary?" "She's whaling her flamentations in front of the whole family about how nobody ever calls her."
A Confidence Boobst (boob-st) noun. The slight boost in self-confidence you get when you know you're not looking your best but you catch a guy looking down your top. "I was feeling bloated and having a fat day but when I caught Jim looking, I have to admit, it was a bit of a confidence boobst"
Tuesday 9 June 2015
For the "I am not a feminist" people out there
"I am not a feminist"....you're right...because what you are...is a moron.
This backlash of "I am not a feminist" celebrities coming out declaring themselves as non-feminists is one small step into the pile of sh*t and one giant leap backwards for society. It seems Kaley Cuoco has spent too much time playing a dumb blonde as she seems to be perpetually stuck on dumbass, so shocked that people weren't all on-side with her declaring herself not a feminist.
The term feminist developed a sullied meaning over time, much like other words and symbols that have very specific and powerful meanings, it's been blurred by incorrect interpretations and people associating them with what people who are against the idea attach to it. The word feminist was misconstrued by people who were anti-feminism to mean things like 'man hater', 'bitter', 'ugly', etc. If you spend more than 0.003 seconds thinking about it, then you remember that the word is simply 'femina' and 'ism'....the belief in women. not OF women...IN women. Look the word up in any dictionary and show me where it says that they are bitter bitches who hate men and want to rule over everything. It doesn't. That's not what it means, it's only what people who don't believe in women's rights want you to think it means.
The movement against women has no valid reasoned argument against why women should not be equal- they simply don't want to lose their power. So, without a real platform of fact and reason to stand on, they do what all villains do- they aim to cause dissension in the opposing force. They won't have to worry about fighting the threat to their manhood if women are fighting amongst themselves. It's the same mentality that caused tension when women wanted the vote- there was a campaign by women against women getting the vote because they were told that they would ruin it for everyone.
If you believe that women should be paid less for the same work, should have to fight twice as hard to win the same battles, shouldn't be represented equally in law, in society, in media and in life...then you are not a feminist. However, if you do believe in any of the aforementioned ideals...you are a feminist. Maybe you're not militant and marching in protests and signing petitions...burning bras or boycotting shaving your legs..but you're a feminist.
Embrace it. Don't let the women haters take the power out of the word feminist. Don't let them make it a dirty word. If you bend to the notions they want you to have, then they've succeeded in pushing back the fight for equality.
This backlash of "I am not a feminist" celebrities coming out declaring themselves as non-feminists is one small step into the pile of sh*t and one giant leap backwards for society. It seems Kaley Cuoco has spent too much time playing a dumb blonde as she seems to be perpetually stuck on dumbass, so shocked that people weren't all on-side with her declaring herself not a feminist.
The term feminist developed a sullied meaning over time, much like other words and symbols that have very specific and powerful meanings, it's been blurred by incorrect interpretations and people associating them with what people who are against the idea attach to it. The word feminist was misconstrued by people who were anti-feminism to mean things like 'man hater', 'bitter', 'ugly', etc. If you spend more than 0.003 seconds thinking about it, then you remember that the word is simply 'femina' and 'ism'....the belief in women. not OF women...IN women. Look the word up in any dictionary and show me where it says that they are bitter bitches who hate men and want to rule over everything. It doesn't. That's not what it means, it's only what people who don't believe in women's rights want you to think it means.
The movement against women has no valid reasoned argument against why women should not be equal- they simply don't want to lose their power. So, without a real platform of fact and reason to stand on, they do what all villains do- they aim to cause dissension in the opposing force. They won't have to worry about fighting the threat to their manhood if women are fighting amongst themselves. It's the same mentality that caused tension when women wanted the vote- there was a campaign by women against women getting the vote because they were told that they would ruin it for everyone.
If you believe that women should be paid less for the same work, should have to fight twice as hard to win the same battles, shouldn't be represented equally in law, in society, in media and in life...then you are not a feminist. However, if you do believe in any of the aforementioned ideals...you are a feminist. Maybe you're not militant and marching in protests and signing petitions...burning bras or boycotting shaving your legs..but you're a feminist.
Embrace it. Don't let the women haters take the power out of the word feminist. Don't let them make it a dirty word. If you bend to the notions they want you to have, then they've succeeded in pushing back the fight for equality.
And if you think for one second that a man can't be a feminist, then you're wrong. Men are as important to the cause as women. It's not weakness, it's not 'gay', it's not being 'whipped'..it's just being a person who believes that another person deserves to be treated as they would want to be treated. Terry Crews is a proud feminist, I dare you to tell him that to his face he's a wimp for believing in women's right, I'll give you the number of my dentist and a good plastic surgeon when it's over.
I am a woman. I don't hate men. I have never burned my bras. I have never been on a protest march, written angry poetry or read Sylvia Plath. I am, however, a feminist.
Friday 5 June 2015
Picking Up Chicks
I often hear from male single friends that it's very hard to hit on a woman because women are 'too stuck up'. There are many stories of good guys being turned down and not knowing where they went wrong when approaching a woman. I've been asked for advice from guys who don't seem to know why women are so reluctant to take a risk with a charming suitor.
It wasn't until the other day when it was actually a man who summed it up for me...these men tend to look at the situation from only their own point of view. These guys aren't seeing themselves as the woman is seeing them.
Guys, no matter your size, no matter your physical grandeur or lack thereof....the second you approach a woman for the first time you are a threat. When we are out in public, we have our guard up against potential threats to our persons, it's just instinct. The guard is lessened usually when we are in a place such as a bar or club as we are more likely to be open to meeting new people at those types of locations and there are pre-set parameters and social rules for it.
I don't care if you are 6'9, 400lbs of muscle or a 5'4 skinny wimp, the moment you approach me in public, my brain starts scanning you for potential threat. "What does he want?" "Does he have a visible weapon?" "What are my escape options if I am in danger?"....these are the first things that run through our head, so just be aware that that is where you are starting from. Don't be put off that she isn't immediately smiling and curious about your charms...she's scanning you to see if you're about to stab her and if you're showing any freaky tendencies.
51% of Canadian women have been physically or sexually assaulted at some point in their life. Do you really think we can afford to just assume you won't be that guy? 98% of sexual violence is committed by men in this country, so yes, it's different for us if a random man approaches us versus another woman. Most women know their assailant prior to the assault, which means that chances are it was someone we thought we knew and/or could trust, so if that happened to us by someone we knew, maybe we are going to be a bit wary of someone we don't know.
I'm not saying don't hit on women or never approach women. What I am saying is realize what is happening in her mind when you're approaching her. Don't think it's her fault and that she's a snob because she didn't want to give you her personal information on approach. You're taking a risk being rejected but she's viewing it as risking her personal safety.
Also, on a less sinister note....don't hit on waitresses, baristas or anyone who is at their place of work. They are working, be respectful. They're nice to you because they are paid to be nice to you. They aren't flirting with you, they are hoping you will just be a good customer and then get on with their day.
The case that brought this up was my boyfriend told me about the radio show he listens to. The female DJ received an email from a listener she's never met asking her on a date. The email was supposedly funny and charming, but she declined him. The two male DJs couldn't understand why she wouldn't give this guy a chance. She explained that not only is this man a complete stranger, but that, as a public figure, she has had problems with threats against her and has had stalkers. The male DJs still thought she was too uptight. The more I think about it, the angrier it made me. If she says no, she's an uptight bitch. If she says yes and she's assaulted, then she was too eager and she should've known better than to go out with some guy she's never met.
All I'm saying is that, as a woman, I wish more men would understand the dynamic of approaching a stranger in public. Even if your intentions are pure and good, just think about how the other person is observing the situation.
It wasn't until the other day when it was actually a man who summed it up for me...these men tend to look at the situation from only their own point of view. These guys aren't seeing themselves as the woman is seeing them.
Guys, no matter your size, no matter your physical grandeur or lack thereof....the second you approach a woman for the first time you are a threat. When we are out in public, we have our guard up against potential threats to our persons, it's just instinct. The guard is lessened usually when we are in a place such as a bar or club as we are more likely to be open to meeting new people at those types of locations and there are pre-set parameters and social rules for it.
I don't care if you are 6'9, 400lbs of muscle or a 5'4 skinny wimp, the moment you approach me in public, my brain starts scanning you for potential threat. "What does he want?" "Does he have a visible weapon?" "What are my escape options if I am in danger?"....these are the first things that run through our head, so just be aware that that is where you are starting from. Don't be put off that she isn't immediately smiling and curious about your charms...she's scanning you to see if you're about to stab her and if you're showing any freaky tendencies.
51% of Canadian women have been physically or sexually assaulted at some point in their life. Do you really think we can afford to just assume you won't be that guy? 98% of sexual violence is committed by men in this country, so yes, it's different for us if a random man approaches us versus another woman. Most women know their assailant prior to the assault, which means that chances are it was someone we thought we knew and/or could trust, so if that happened to us by someone we knew, maybe we are going to be a bit wary of someone we don't know.
I'm not saying don't hit on women or never approach women. What I am saying is realize what is happening in her mind when you're approaching her. Don't think it's her fault and that she's a snob because she didn't want to give you her personal information on approach. You're taking a risk being rejected but she's viewing it as risking her personal safety.
Also, on a less sinister note....don't hit on waitresses, baristas or anyone who is at their place of work. They are working, be respectful. They're nice to you because they are paid to be nice to you. They aren't flirting with you, they are hoping you will just be a good customer and then get on with their day.
The case that brought this up was my boyfriend told me about the radio show he listens to. The female DJ received an email from a listener she's never met asking her on a date. The email was supposedly funny and charming, but she declined him. The two male DJs couldn't understand why she wouldn't give this guy a chance. She explained that not only is this man a complete stranger, but that, as a public figure, she has had problems with threats against her and has had stalkers. The male DJs still thought she was too uptight. The more I think about it, the angrier it made me. If she says no, she's an uptight bitch. If she says yes and she's assaulted, then she was too eager and she should've known better than to go out with some guy she's never met.
All I'm saying is that, as a woman, I wish more men would understand the dynamic of approaching a stranger in public. Even if your intentions are pure and good, just think about how the other person is observing the situation.
Friday 22 May 2015
Bad responses to pregnancy announcements
A lot of my friends are having babies...surprisingly most of them are doing it on purpose. I am not ready for this next step in life...and I think it's showing in my responses when people are telling me that they are expecting a baby. Here, my friends, is a list of things that you shouldn't say when someone tells you that they are pregnant:
- Why?
- I'm sorry to hear that
- Whose is it?
- You're not going to name it something stupid like your parents did right?
- I hope it looks like your sister
- I thought you'd just gotten fatter
- Dibs!
- hahahahahahahaha!
- What if it's ugly?
- I'll still be your favourite though, right?
- So I guess you won't be drinking that bottle of wine I got you for your birthday...can I have it back?
- I hear pregnancy affects your sex life...how old is your husband's secretary?
- Lame!
- I didn't think you could get pregnant after all those scares in freshman year....
- Fine, but when you come over, the baby stays in the car
- Bet it's gonna be trippy finally feeling something come out of there for once
- Keepin it?
- By the time they're old enough to have kids of their own, humans will have killed the planet
- You're raising it Klingon right?
- Say goodbye to your good looks!
So....this may be why I don't get invited to a lot of baby showers...or because I got drunk and ordered strippers at the last one...
Either way...
- Why?
- I'm sorry to hear that
- Whose is it?
- You're not going to name it something stupid like your parents did right?
- I hope it looks like your sister
- I thought you'd just gotten fatter
- Dibs!
- hahahahahahahaha!
- What if it's ugly?
- I'll still be your favourite though, right?
- So I guess you won't be drinking that bottle of wine I got you for your birthday...can I have it back?
- I hear pregnancy affects your sex life...how old is your husband's secretary?
- Lame!
- I didn't think you could get pregnant after all those scares in freshman year....
- Fine, but when you come over, the baby stays in the car
- Bet it's gonna be trippy finally feeling something come out of there for once
- Keepin it?
- By the time they're old enough to have kids of their own, humans will have killed the planet
- You're raising it Klingon right?
- Say goodbye to your good looks!
So....this may be why I don't get invited to a lot of baby showers...or because I got drunk and ordered strippers at the last one...
Either way...
Thursday 7 May 2015
A Complaint about Complainers
Wah wah wah....that's all we ever hear anymore. No matter what you do or what you say, someone complains. Everyone has something to complain about. Have you ever noticed though, that the people who complain the most are often the people who DO the least about it? Stop it. Grow up. Take responsibility. Take action.
People who whine about the government but don't vote. If you didn't care enough to make your voice heard when you were asked, don't whine like you care afterwards. The idea of democratic elections is to represent the people, so how can you then complain that the person in power isn't representing your views when you didn't even represent your own views?? Even if your candidate doesn't win, you still made your voice heard and count, sometimes one vote can make a difference. If you don't make your choice, you don't get to complain about the result, end of story.
People who complain about not being fit when they're eating an entire bag of chips. I complain about being fat a lot...but there is a difference is being upset about the result or being upset with yourself for not doing what you know you should. I used to complain about being fat but then scarf down a bag of chips and a 6-pack of beer and still wonder why the pounds weren't coming off. Nowadays I actually try, I try to eat right and I exercise...so when I complain, it's about the disappointment in myself, not that I'm owed anything. If you are actively trying to get fit and are struggling, go ahead and complain! It's hard work! But if you spend every day sitting on your ass on the couch eating nachos and drinking milkshakes....you don't get to complain until you get moving.
People who have everything done for them but complain about how it's done. This includes everything from kids complaining about how their mom does their laundry or you don't like how your spouse cleans the house. If someone is doing something for you, be grateful! If you really hate how it's done, do it yourself. Ok, this doesn't apply to surgeons, mechanics and other trained specialistz...in that case just find another one. But really, if you don't like the fabric softener I use, do your own laundry. If you don't like the hotels I booked, you plan the trip.
Anything teenagers complain about. Shut up. You know nothing about anything. You have no real world experience, you don't have to support yourself, nobody relies on you and you live in a selfish bubble. You have nothing to complain about that won't be over in 4-5 years tops.
People who complain about dating but who don't try. "It's so hard to meet someone"...are you trying online? No. Are you going out to social events 'No'....are you open to meeting different kinds of people "No, he/she has to look like Brad Pitt/Kim Kardashian and be perfect or I'm out". Ok...dating can suck sometimes, I concede that. My point is that most people don't really try. They go on 2 online dates and then can't understand why they haven't met their soul-mate. Or they look like an Orc but refuse to date anyone who doesn't look like a Calvin Klein model. Be open, be available, be someone you would want to date.
People who complain about the new sex-ed in Ontario. Please get your super conservative moron faces off of my news feed. Kids have always had sex-ed but it's so behind the time that what is currently being taught is barely relevant anymore. They will learn it from their friends and online...wouldn't you rather they have a decently built foundation of knowledge first? Are you really going to explain sexting to them? I doubt it.
People who complain about their job but work there for 30 years. Why? You spend a large chunk of your life at work, don't you want to be happy? Look for something better. Go back to school. Start some new initiatives to make it more enjoyable. Sitting there and being a miserable git isn't going to make the clock tick any faster or the job more enjoyable. After a certain amount of time of not doing anything about the problem...the problem becomes your own fault.
Nobody likes a whiner. If you have a problem, deal with it. If you can't fix it, at least do what you can to make it better. Or, at least have the decency to hide your misery behind alcoholism and leave the rest of us out of it. "Do you know who cares even less about your problems than you do?....Everybody".
If you're working at it, come complain to me all you want, you've earned it. If you are complaining because you think the world owes you something...I will personally slap you back to the Dark Ages.
People who whine about the government but don't vote. If you didn't care enough to make your voice heard when you were asked, don't whine like you care afterwards. The idea of democratic elections is to represent the people, so how can you then complain that the person in power isn't representing your views when you didn't even represent your own views?? Even if your candidate doesn't win, you still made your voice heard and count, sometimes one vote can make a difference. If you don't make your choice, you don't get to complain about the result, end of story.
People who complain about not being fit when they're eating an entire bag of chips. I complain about being fat a lot...but there is a difference is being upset about the result or being upset with yourself for not doing what you know you should. I used to complain about being fat but then scarf down a bag of chips and a 6-pack of beer and still wonder why the pounds weren't coming off. Nowadays I actually try, I try to eat right and I exercise...so when I complain, it's about the disappointment in myself, not that I'm owed anything. If you are actively trying to get fit and are struggling, go ahead and complain! It's hard work! But if you spend every day sitting on your ass on the couch eating nachos and drinking milkshakes....you don't get to complain until you get moving.
People who have everything done for them but complain about how it's done. This includes everything from kids complaining about how their mom does their laundry or you don't like how your spouse cleans the house. If someone is doing something for you, be grateful! If you really hate how it's done, do it yourself. Ok, this doesn't apply to surgeons, mechanics and other trained specialistz...in that case just find another one. But really, if you don't like the fabric softener I use, do your own laundry. If you don't like the hotels I booked, you plan the trip.
Anything teenagers complain about. Shut up. You know nothing about anything. You have no real world experience, you don't have to support yourself, nobody relies on you and you live in a selfish bubble. You have nothing to complain about that won't be over in 4-5 years tops.
People who complain about dating but who don't try. "It's so hard to meet someone"...are you trying online? No. Are you going out to social events 'No'....are you open to meeting different kinds of people "No, he/she has to look like Brad Pitt/Kim Kardashian and be perfect or I'm out". Ok...dating can suck sometimes, I concede that. My point is that most people don't really try. They go on 2 online dates and then can't understand why they haven't met their soul-mate. Or they look like an Orc but refuse to date anyone who doesn't look like a Calvin Klein model. Be open, be available, be someone you would want to date.
People who complain about the new sex-ed in Ontario. Please get your super conservative moron faces off of my news feed. Kids have always had sex-ed but it's so behind the time that what is currently being taught is barely relevant anymore. They will learn it from their friends and online...wouldn't you rather they have a decently built foundation of knowledge first? Are you really going to explain sexting to them? I doubt it.
People who complain about their job but work there for 30 years. Why? You spend a large chunk of your life at work, don't you want to be happy? Look for something better. Go back to school. Start some new initiatives to make it more enjoyable. Sitting there and being a miserable git isn't going to make the clock tick any faster or the job more enjoyable. After a certain amount of time of not doing anything about the problem...the problem becomes your own fault.
Nobody likes a whiner. If you have a problem, deal with it. If you can't fix it, at least do what you can to make it better. Or, at least have the decency to hide your misery behind alcoholism and leave the rest of us out of it. "Do you know who cares even less about your problems than you do?....Everybody".
If you're working at it, come complain to me all you want, you've earned it. If you are complaining because you think the world owes you something...I will personally slap you back to the Dark Ages.
Tuesday 28 April 2015
Royal Decrees
While it is taking longer than I thought, let's face it, there will come a day when I am Queen of the World. We all know it, the important thing is to embrace it and to prepare for it. So, like the soon-to-be useless politicians do now, I will give you a glimpse into some of my policies that will be enacted when I take power. I highly suggest doing whatever you find necessary to adapt to these changes now, because when I do take over, the 'Great Change' as it will be known, will be swift and it will be absolute.
Royal Decree #1: Every citizen shall be given 'Stupid' stickers. These stickers are to be placed on others whom the citizen feels has acted like an idiot. Once a person has accumulated 10 stickers on their person, they will be subject to trial and punishment.
Royal Decree #2: Any man caught wearing their pants down around their knees will have the pants hiked up to the absolute highest they can physically go and have them stapled there until such a time as they are able to remove them.
Royal decree #3: Adam Sandler, Kevin James and Eddie Murphy will be banned from the making of any type of movie and the mention of any of the garbage they have made over the past decade will be punishable by endless repeat watchings of Jack & Jill.
Royal Decree #4: All music requires royal approval. This means no more Bieber, Mariah Carey is sent to Mordor and country music will really have something to twang sadly about.
Royal Decree #5: The number 9 will now be pronounced as a quacking noise....the Queen has spoken!
Royal Decree #6: There shall be established a new government department of justice. If you hurt a woman, a child, an animal or anyone who is too weak to defend themselves....you shall be subject to a way of life that will make Game of Thrones look like a Care Bears episode (well, if you don't count NoHeart...that dude was scary).
Royal Decree #7: Strombo, Kypreos and Glenn Healy are all fired. Ron McLean shall resume his place of honour and the classic version of Hockey Night in Canada shall resume. The abomination that has been displayed this season shall never henceforth be mentioned again. I shall not decree that the Leafs win, as I do not think that even a threat of total annihilation would be enough to inspire the current bunch of useless losers to make an effort.
Royal Decree #8: No more reality TV. Seriously...enough.
Royal Decree #9 (aka #Quack): George RR Martin shall HURRY THE F**K UP on the next couple of books. I need closure you fat bastard!
Royal decree #10: All middle school and high school teachers shall be given authority to beat the crap out of students....because those snot nosed pricks need to learn some respect and their parents aren't doing it.
Hem hem...for now, that is your sneak peek at the beginning of my new regime. Some of you will prosper and rejoice, some of you should start running now. It's probably best if you start worshiping me now as your loyalty will be rewarded when the day of ascension comes.
Royal Decree #1: Every citizen shall be given 'Stupid' stickers. These stickers are to be placed on others whom the citizen feels has acted like an idiot. Once a person has accumulated 10 stickers on their person, they will be subject to trial and punishment.
Royal Decree #2: Any man caught wearing their pants down around their knees will have the pants hiked up to the absolute highest they can physically go and have them stapled there until such a time as they are able to remove them.
Royal decree #3: Adam Sandler, Kevin James and Eddie Murphy will be banned from the making of any type of movie and the mention of any of the garbage they have made over the past decade will be punishable by endless repeat watchings of Jack & Jill.
Royal Decree #4: All music requires royal approval. This means no more Bieber, Mariah Carey is sent to Mordor and country music will really have something to twang sadly about.
Royal Decree #5: The number 9 will now be pronounced as a quacking noise....the Queen has spoken!
Royal Decree #6: There shall be established a new government department of justice. If you hurt a woman, a child, an animal or anyone who is too weak to defend themselves....you shall be subject to a way of life that will make Game of Thrones look like a Care Bears episode (well, if you don't count NoHeart...that dude was scary).
Royal Decree #7: Strombo, Kypreos and Glenn Healy are all fired. Ron McLean shall resume his place of honour and the classic version of Hockey Night in Canada shall resume. The abomination that has been displayed this season shall never henceforth be mentioned again. I shall not decree that the Leafs win, as I do not think that even a threat of total annihilation would be enough to inspire the current bunch of useless losers to make an effort.
Royal Decree #8: No more reality TV. Seriously...enough.
Royal Decree #9 (aka #Quack): George RR Martin shall HURRY THE F**K UP on the next couple of books. I need closure you fat bastard!
Royal decree #10: All middle school and high school teachers shall be given authority to beat the crap out of students....because those snot nosed pricks need to learn some respect and their parents aren't doing it.
Hem hem...for now, that is your sneak peek at the beginning of my new regime. Some of you will prosper and rejoice, some of you should start running now. It's probably best if you start worshiping me now as your loyalty will be rewarded when the day of ascension comes.
Friday 24 April 2015
People who need to be my friends
I have many lists of people who need to go away, but I haven't yet created a list of people in the world whom I have largely not met, but I think we should be friends. Some of these people make me laugh, some I find fascinating and others are just really cool and I need to learn their ways. If you don't recognize the name, I highly suggest looking them up.
In no particular order....
Robert Downey Jr (needs to be my husband, not just friends)
Tom Hiddleston (also husband preferable)
Jennifer Lawrence
Neil DeGrasse Tyson
The Fat Jewish (that's his Instagram name, I'm not Mel Gibson-ing)
Stephen Fry
George Takei
The Rock
Dara O'Briain
Ed Byrne
Frankie Boyle
Ellen Degeneres
David Mitchell
Tina Fey
NPH
Joss Whedon
Matt Groening
Professor Farnsworth....he's a cartoon but we can still be friends!!!
Amy Schumer
Will Ferrell
Peter Dinklage
Ricky Gervais
Jon Stewart
Whoever invented the adult onesie
The writers of Cyanide & Happiness
John Cleese
Benedict Cumberbatch
Noel Fielding
Ok, so....if you have any contacts with these future besties of mine, please let me know...so we can let our friendships blossom.
In no particular order....
Robert Downey Jr (needs to be my husband, not just friends)
Tom Hiddleston (also husband preferable)
Jennifer Lawrence
Neil DeGrasse Tyson
The Fat Jewish (that's his Instagram name, I'm not Mel Gibson-ing)
Stephen Fry
George Takei
The Rock
Dara O'Briain
Ed Byrne
Frankie Boyle
Ellen Degeneres
David Mitchell
Tina Fey
NPH
Joss Whedon
Matt Groening
Professor Farnsworth....he's a cartoon but we can still be friends!!!
Amy Schumer
Will Ferrell
Peter Dinklage
Ricky Gervais
Jon Stewart
Whoever invented the adult onesie
The writers of Cyanide & Happiness
John Cleese
Benedict Cumberbatch
Noel Fielding
Ok, so....if you have any contacts with these future besties of mine, please let me know...so we can let our friendships blossom.
Friday 17 April 2015
Facebook Misdemeanors
Social media has become the norm. It's ingrained itself in our daily lives, most of us spend time on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Tumblr etc every single day, I know I certainly do it more often than I should.
As with any public forum, there are always people who misbehave, use it irresponsibly and just shouldn't be allowed to post. There are the obvious cases of the morons who use it for cyber bullying- those people should be hung with their ethernet cables. There do exist other, less serious offences that people commit on a regular basis that are not nearly as bad but yet, are extremely annoying- they aren't Facebook felonies...more like misdemeanors. If you're guilty of any of them, stop it and punch yourself in the face. Here, my friends, are some of the different types:
Posting inspirational quotes and photos. Seriously, all you're inspiring people to do is to unfollow you It's lame, you're clogging up my timeline and I'd rather be jabbing myself in the eye. I get it , you're trying to be positive in a negative world...well I positively can't stand those 'be true to yourself' BS type posts- if I wanted to feel better about myself via Facebook, I'd look at how fat the people I went to high school got. It's preachy and you look desperate to cover up how sad you are inwardly...stop it.
The constant updater. I don't care that you just woke up. I don't care that you just had an awesome sandwich. I don't care that you're watching the game but might go out later. This is not twitter, it's not meant for instant updates, play-by-plays of the game you're watching or to share that you ate food.
The gamer. Facebook games are fun, addictive and enjoyable...and shared too easily. If your game doesn't show you that I also play it, do not send me an invite to play it. I will find you and I will end you. Stop it.
"Share if you love your daughter/son/mom/grandchild" etc. WTF are you proving by sharing that? Obviously you love your family member unless you're a Kardashian. What did you prove...that you love your family more than others love theirs? Or will your family member see that and think "oh well I wasn't sure if mom loved me, but she said so on Facebook so it must be true!" You want to tell someone you love them, how about calling them instead of trying to virtually show off how much you love someone.
The person who re-posts your photo or joke without giving you credit for it. You are the Dane Cook of Facebook, stop stealing other people's stuff to make yourself look funny. Feel free to Share posts, photos, vids etc but give the originator the credit at least.
Couples who only have one shared Facebook. You make me sick. You're two human beings, act like it. If you don't trust the other person enough to have their own Facebook, then you shouldn't have married them.
Parents who only post about parent stuff. You're a parent, congratulations. It's time consuming, life stealing and is a 24-7 job, but if that is all you are anymore, then maybe you should seek some help. Just a tip- those of your friends who don't have kids, are so tired of reading your posts about bottles vs. breasts feeding and cute designs for how to store baby's first god-knows-what.
People who post spoilers. Seriously, what's wrong with you? You cannot post all about the big TV event the day after in detail, that's just common sense! Not everyone has HBO, AMC etc and/or were out and are going to watch it later in the week. In a world where live tv is mostly dead and people can watch anything at any time- you have to allow for delayed watching. If you absolutely have to post your feelings, you must clearly indicate a spoiler alert well in advance.
As with any public forum, there are always people who misbehave, use it irresponsibly and just shouldn't be allowed to post. There are the obvious cases of the morons who use it for cyber bullying- those people should be hung with their ethernet cables. There do exist other, less serious offences that people commit on a regular basis that are not nearly as bad but yet, are extremely annoying- they aren't Facebook felonies...more like misdemeanors. If you're guilty of any of them, stop it and punch yourself in the face. Here, my friends, are some of the different types:
Posting inspirational quotes and photos. Seriously, all you're inspiring people to do is to unfollow you It's lame, you're clogging up my timeline and I'd rather be jabbing myself in the eye. I get it , you're trying to be positive in a negative world...well I positively can't stand those 'be true to yourself' BS type posts- if I wanted to feel better about myself via Facebook, I'd look at how fat the people I went to high school got. It's preachy and you look desperate to cover up how sad you are inwardly...stop it.
The constant updater. I don't care that you just woke up. I don't care that you just had an awesome sandwich. I don't care that you're watching the game but might go out later. This is not twitter, it's not meant for instant updates, play-by-plays of the game you're watching or to share that you ate food.
The gamer. Facebook games are fun, addictive and enjoyable...and shared too easily. If your game doesn't show you that I also play it, do not send me an invite to play it. I will find you and I will end you. Stop it.
"Share if you love your daughter/son/mom/grandchild" etc. WTF are you proving by sharing that? Obviously you love your family member unless you're a Kardashian. What did you prove...that you love your family more than others love theirs? Or will your family member see that and think "oh well I wasn't sure if mom loved me, but she said so on Facebook so it must be true!" You want to tell someone you love them, how about calling them instead of trying to virtually show off how much you love someone.
The person who re-posts your photo or joke without giving you credit for it. You are the Dane Cook of Facebook, stop stealing other people's stuff to make yourself look funny. Feel free to Share posts, photos, vids etc but give the originator the credit at least.
Couples who only have one shared Facebook. You make me sick. You're two human beings, act like it. If you don't trust the other person enough to have their own Facebook, then you shouldn't have married them.
Parents who only post about parent stuff. You're a parent, congratulations. It's time consuming, life stealing and is a 24-7 job, but if that is all you are anymore, then maybe you should seek some help. Just a tip- those of your friends who don't have kids, are so tired of reading your posts about bottles vs. breasts feeding and cute designs for how to store baby's first god-knows-what.
People who post spoilers. Seriously, what's wrong with you? You cannot post all about the big TV event the day after in detail, that's just common sense! Not everyone has HBO, AMC etc and/or were out and are going to watch it later in the week. In a world where live tv is mostly dead and people can watch anything at any time- you have to allow for delayed watching. If you absolutely have to post your feelings, you must clearly indicate a spoiler alert well in advance.
Wednesday 8 April 2015
It's a chick thing...
While our modern society strives for gender equality, there are some gender divides that we may never close eg. a man will not get to breast feed a baby and women will still have to use plastic devices in order to pee standing up.
Here are a few things I believe than men will never truly understand:
- The joy of taking your bra off at the end of the day
- What a real 'bad hair day' is
- Cramps
- Crying about being fat while simultaneously eating a bag of chips
- Guilt
- The need for more than 2 pairs of shoes
- What the wings on pads are for
- Crying and laughing at the same time
- Why there is always one b*tch in the office
- Purses
- Why we keep everything in the world in those purses
- Why we keep everything in the world in those purses
- Why women in their early 20's date a**holes
- Flowers
- How truly aggravating pantyhose is
- Our relationships with our mothers
- Dancing like idiots with your best friend to bad music
- Different kinds of lotion
- Over-sized sweaters
- The importance of pedicures
- How bad your feet hurt in heels and the supreme joy when you take them off
- The cringe-worth effect when the doctor says 'Scooch down' during your annual physical
- Being able to text your bff all day every day and still have loads to chat about when you see them
- Having a good cry
- Societal pressure to want kids
- The awkwardness of getting a bra fitting
- Why we make funny faces when applying makeup
- We would almost all prefer chocolate to men
- Over-sized sweaters
- The importance of pedicures
- How bad your feet hurt in heels and the supreme joy when you take them off
- The cringe-worth effect when the doctor says 'Scooch down' during your annual physical
- Being able to text your bff all day every day and still have loads to chat about when you see them
- Having a good cry
- Societal pressure to want kids
- The awkwardness of getting a bra fitting
- Why we make funny faces when applying makeup
- We would almost all prefer chocolate to men
Thursday 2 April 2015
Wasted Talents
I am a person of many skills and talents...no really, I am. The fact is that I just can't list most of them on a resumé. If I could be completely honest about the things I'm best at, my resumé would be 15 pages long...and I would be perpetually unemployed.
So here is my true resumé with all of my true skills..
- I can speak almost entirely in Simpsons quotes.
- I can fall asleep just about anywhere, anytime
- I speak some Polish...all of it offensive.
- I can turn any conversation dirty is less than 3 seconds.
- I am a master at finding a good sale
- I can remember completely pointless trivia
- I almost never forget anyone's birthday, even if I haven't seen them in years.
- I always have a pun ready...a really bad pun.
- I can watch the same tv shows over and over in repeat and never tire of them
- I can make an entire large pizza disappear
- I can believe it's not butter
- I have the unique ability to trip over air
- I can watch Ghostbusters 2 and enjoy it
- I once completed a 25x25 Sudoku puzzle
- I can spend 2 hours doing my hair and still manage to have a bad hair day
- I can think of more than 20 excuses not to go to the gym in under 4 seconds
- I can convert healthy eating and exercise into fat....somehow
- I can listen to you attentively for hours on end and still not give a sh*t
- I can tell the difference between Coke and Pepsi
- I have never caved in to pressure and watched The Notebook
- I can pretty much recite all Harry Potter books from memory
- I let the dogs out
- I once almost touched my toes
- I am fluent in sarcasm...because that's useful...
- My desk drawer is stocked with just about anything you could ever need for any situation
So here is my true resumé with all of my true skills..
- I can speak almost entirely in Simpsons quotes.
- I can fall asleep just about anywhere, anytime
- I speak some Polish...all of it offensive.
- I can turn any conversation dirty is less than 3 seconds.
- I am a master at finding a good sale
- I can remember completely pointless trivia
- I almost never forget anyone's birthday, even if I haven't seen them in years.
- I always have a pun ready...a really bad pun.
- I can watch the same tv shows over and over in repeat and never tire of them
- I can make an entire large pizza disappear
- I can believe it's not butter
- I have the unique ability to trip over air
- I can watch Ghostbusters 2 and enjoy it
- I once completed a 25x25 Sudoku puzzle
- I can spend 2 hours doing my hair and still manage to have a bad hair day
- I can think of more than 20 excuses not to go to the gym in under 4 seconds
- I can convert healthy eating and exercise into fat....somehow
- I can listen to you attentively for hours on end and still not give a sh*t
- I can tell the difference between Coke and Pepsi
- I have never caved in to pressure and watched The Notebook
- I can pretty much recite all Harry Potter books from memory
- I let the dogs out
- I once almost touched my toes
- I am fluent in sarcasm...because that's useful...
- My desk drawer is stocked with just about anything you could ever need for any situation
Friday 27 March 2015
Good Advice
"Don't Touch -Willie"....good advice!
Everyone always has advice to give on everything; friends, family, magazines, tv shows, complete strangers etc. The problem is that we're usually offered so much of it that it's hard to know what to listen to. The obvious person you should be listening to is me...I am amazing.
I've been given a ton of advice about everything in life, some I'm very glad I've listen to, some I wish I hadn't and some I'm really glad I didn't. To the friend who advised me at age 24 that I should have a baby because it was fun...ya...you maybe should refrain from sharing your advice. To the person who advised me that lending money to a deadbeat ex-bf was a bad idea...wish I'd listened to you.
These days I take most of my advice from Liz Lemon "Put potato chips on a sandwich", but I felt it prudent to share some nuggets of wisdom I've received or learned over the years from various sources...what I would consider to be amongst the best advice I can give.
1. Live Alone. Not forever...but do it at some point in your life. I lived with two boyfriends after moving out of my parents house. I technically had my own place briefly but I spent almost no time alone there. Living alone teaches you how to become a more complete person, how to solve your own problems, how to live with yourself and be independent.
2. Watch how someone treats service people. If they are rude to the waitress or the cashier, what does that tell you about someone? It shows a lack of respect for people and shows selfishness. I had an ex who used to be foul to waitresses and it embarrassed me...it wasn't long before he began to treat me the same way.
3. Comfortable shoes are never unfashionable. Seriously, having sore feet can ruin any day or occasion. Always have comfy shoes on hand because there is nothing sexy about high heels when you're walking like you just had the world's largest enema.
4. Wait 24 hours before sending an angry message. We all say things in the heat of the moment that we wish we could take back...so why risk it?
5. Never go to bed angry. This can be so hard because sometimes you're just so angry or so upset, but it's worth it. Waking up still angry will put a damper on your entire day, you're letting the negativity consume you and eat at you and the resentment only builds. Just deal with it now...trust me.
6. Wait to get married. Why are people in their 20's in such a rush to get married? I watched so many friends marry the wrong person just because they HAD to get married or else they thought their world would end. If you love them and want to be together, then that's what matters...make sure you know. Otherwise, maybe you're just doing this for the wedding and not for the marriage.
7. Don't lend money to people you know. This never ends well. If it's for life-saving surgery, ok, fine, but otherwise, do not risk it. One person will end up getting screwed somehow, even if you pay them back immediately...it will haunt you both.
8. Drink more water. There is no downside to this...just do it. It helps your digestion, your skin, your appetite control, your blood sugar, your weight...and it's the best habit you'll start.
9. Send me money. How did this get in the list? Silly me....but seriously, do it.
10. Have a hobby...like me...I write blog posts nobody reads or cares about...but I do it because I enjoy it as an outlet. It keeps me from venting at strangers on the street again.
Now my advice is to stop dicking around on the internet and do something productive...like watching Netflix.
Everyone always has advice to give on everything; friends, family, magazines, tv shows, complete strangers etc. The problem is that we're usually offered so much of it that it's hard to know what to listen to. The obvious person you should be listening to is me...I am amazing.
I've been given a ton of advice about everything in life, some I'm very glad I've listen to, some I wish I hadn't and some I'm really glad I didn't. To the friend who advised me at age 24 that I should have a baby because it was fun...ya...you maybe should refrain from sharing your advice. To the person who advised me that lending money to a deadbeat ex-bf was a bad idea...wish I'd listened to you.
These days I take most of my advice from Liz Lemon "Put potato chips on a sandwich", but I felt it prudent to share some nuggets of wisdom I've received or learned over the years from various sources...what I would consider to be amongst the best advice I can give.
1. Live Alone. Not forever...but do it at some point in your life. I lived with two boyfriends after moving out of my parents house. I technically had my own place briefly but I spent almost no time alone there. Living alone teaches you how to become a more complete person, how to solve your own problems, how to live with yourself and be independent.
2. Watch how someone treats service people. If they are rude to the waitress or the cashier, what does that tell you about someone? It shows a lack of respect for people and shows selfishness. I had an ex who used to be foul to waitresses and it embarrassed me...it wasn't long before he began to treat me the same way.
3. Comfortable shoes are never unfashionable. Seriously, having sore feet can ruin any day or occasion. Always have comfy shoes on hand because there is nothing sexy about high heels when you're walking like you just had the world's largest enema.
4. Wait 24 hours before sending an angry message. We all say things in the heat of the moment that we wish we could take back...so why risk it?
5. Never go to bed angry. This can be so hard because sometimes you're just so angry or so upset, but it's worth it. Waking up still angry will put a damper on your entire day, you're letting the negativity consume you and eat at you and the resentment only builds. Just deal with it now...trust me.
6. Wait to get married. Why are people in their 20's in such a rush to get married? I watched so many friends marry the wrong person just because they HAD to get married or else they thought their world would end. If you love them and want to be together, then that's what matters...make sure you know. Otherwise, maybe you're just doing this for the wedding and not for the marriage.
7. Don't lend money to people you know. This never ends well. If it's for life-saving surgery, ok, fine, but otherwise, do not risk it. One person will end up getting screwed somehow, even if you pay them back immediately...it will haunt you both.
8. Drink more water. There is no downside to this...just do it. It helps your digestion, your skin, your appetite control, your blood sugar, your weight...and it's the best habit you'll start.
9. Send me money. How did this get in the list? Silly me....but seriously, do it.
10. Have a hobby...like me...I write blog posts nobody reads or cares about...but I do it because I enjoy it as an outlet. It keeps me from venting at strangers on the street again.
Now my advice is to stop dicking around on the internet and do something productive...like watching Netflix.
Wednesday 25 March 2015
A story about boobs
Boobs. Breasts. Tits. Jugs. Tatty BoJangles.
Babies need them, men lust after them, women are never happy with them.
I remember being about 11 years old, puberty hadn't come for a visit just yet and I was tall but still had a kid's build. I was sitting with a friend lamenting that the boys (who were all about 13-14) would never notice me because they were always looking at the older girls with boobs. I told my friend that I wished I had big boobs because maybe then I would be liked by the boys.
Holy Christ, be careful what you wish for.
One year later, I wasn't even finished grade 6, 12 years old and sporting C-cup boobs that showed no signs of slowing their growth. I was already starting to get a sore upper back from carrying those things around on a 12 year old frame.
And just like a a pimple on prom night, they kept growing and growing.
By age 14 I was often being mistaken for 19 and 20 years old and it certainly wasn't because of my knowledge of classic literature and my mature demeanor. Men twice my age and many more who were blatantly old enough to be my father would whistle, stare, make cat calls or try a cheesy pick up line. Most of them ran away in horror when I would tell them I wasn't even close to being of legal age to vote let alone for what they had in mind. Being a teenager is awkward enough, let alone suddenly getting attention that you know isn't genuine. I had no idea how to deal with it. Girls would trash me and call me a slut because I had big boobs even though I had barely even kissed a guy at 14. Guys would assume I was easy because I had boobs even though I was actually quite terrified of sex at that age. I had no other identity...I wasn't funny, I wasn't smart, I wasn't nice, I wasn't anything...I was a pair of breasts. So, eventually I tried to 'own it' and took to low-cut shirts, making jokes about it, making (bad) attempts to be flirty....because I had resigned myself to the fact that it seemed they were all I had to offer. Yet, I stayed a virgin and rarely even kissed the guys I flirted with...because as much as I tried to 'own it'...I resented the fact that they just liked me for one reason.
I couldn't wear the cute shirts, dresses, swimsuits that other girls my age were wearing because they either looked ridiculous, didn't come in my size or looked like something out of a bad porn. Forget training bras, by high school I was having to buy bras at special boutiques for $100 a pop. I walked around with hunched shoulders and back pain. I wore a lot of baggy hoodies, hockey jerseys and my brother's old shirts, thinking that maybe I could hide them.
Then a miracle occurred. I was at a muscle rehab session for my bad neck and shoulders from years of bad posture from lugging what were now enormous sacks of flesh around on my frontage for years. The insanely cute doctor had me do a few stretches to see where my bad muscles were and told me that it was the front weight that was hurting me...and he asked me if I'd ever considered a breast reduction. What?? They do that? I called my mother over and she, having been a nurse, asked him the smart questions such as long term effects, scarring, healing, etc. All I asked was..."How soon can it be done??"
And so it came to be. I remember very clearly standing in the little pre-op room while the surgeon asked me to take down my gown so he could make some markings on my breasts for the surgery...I had trouble not being a little offended that he in no way reacted when I got topless. I was 19 years old, I had not shown a lot of men my boobs before, but I was certainly not used to a man being bored and professional about them. He asked me what size I wanted to go down to...I said that I didn't care if they went concave, just get them off of me. He chuckled. They had told me to bring one of my bras without the under-wire so that they would use it to help keep the gauze and bandages in place for a few days after surgery, so when I left the hospital, I didn't feel any smaller or different. My mother was my at-home nurse so when the time to remove the bandages came, she helped me undo the bra, and slowly peel the bandages off me. The doctor had warned me that I would be sore, badly bruised and that I would have lumpy boobs at first...because they would need to re-settle into their new natural shape over time. I looked down and they looked so small...and man were they lumpy...it was like looking at two half eaten bruised potatoes on my chest. I was horrified (and hugely drugged) and thought I'd made a huge mistake...I was so used to being the girl with the big boobs...I felt like I'd lost part of my identity.
I was uneasy for days, wondering if I'd done the right thing. I didn't have my real answer until my mother brought me new bra shopping at La Senza. It was my first time there in ages, I hadn't fit into off-the-rack bras in years. I hadn't gotten to wear the 2 for $20 cute lacy bras that young girls love...I was trying to shove my mountainous burdens into what felt like harnesses discarded from military missions. I walked into the brightly coloured bra boutique and literally skipped around grabbing one of every colour to try on. I put on the first bra and threw my t-shirt over it and looked at myself. All doubt was gone...I felt awesome. I felt normal. I felt like a hunchback who had had the hump removed...just...in the front. The Hunchfront of North Toronto...not quite as catchy.
A weight had been both literally and figuratively lifted from me, I felt like I didn't have to be defined by my shape anymore. It was only at that time that I really started dating at all, I had never previously trusted guys that they didn't just like me for my....plumage. A few guys who had always been so nice suddenly weren't very nice to me anymore. I didn't mourn their loss any more than the loss of the searing shoulder pain I'd gotten rid of.
I did not have small breasts after the surgery, but I had breasts that did not enter the room 2 feet before the rest of me. I was more social and willing to talk to people after that, I felt much less awkward about having any attention drawn to me. I met a surprising number of girls who had had the surgery as well or who were considering it and we all agreed that big boobs were more of a curse than a blessing and that getting them reduced was a saving grace.
I still have a full frontage...they fluctuate with my ever trampolining weight on the scale. I still sometimes have trouble finding a decent fit but I can still walk into stores and find something that will fit. The only things that are still a no-go are button up shirts (any girl with C-Cups or over knows the eternal struggle with the button boob gap) and anything strapless...because I don't need them bouncing of my knees or injuring a small passing child. I am comfortable in my frame, I don't feel the need to hide away as if I'm on day-release from the circus, but I am also comfortable enough with myself to not have to walk around with the girls hanging out for all to see. At this age, I'd rather dazzle you with my wit than show you a tit.
I could say a ton more about the subject of boobs, I fancy myself, not an expert but...experienced. I am not even really trying to make a specific point with this story...other than perhaps showing that everyone is insecure about something and that getting what you wish for isn't always a good thing. I still always wish I was skinnier, but then I wonder what I'd be unhappy about if I were to achieve that. Big boobs, small boobs, women are rarely happy with them..and if they are, they're probably unhappy about some other part of themselves. Just don't make assumptions about someone because of how they look. Deal?
Babies need them, men lust after them, women are never happy with them.
I remember being about 11 years old, puberty hadn't come for a visit just yet and I was tall but still had a kid's build. I was sitting with a friend lamenting that the boys (who were all about 13-14) would never notice me because they were always looking at the older girls with boobs. I told my friend that I wished I had big boobs because maybe then I would be liked by the boys.
Holy Christ, be careful what you wish for.
One year later, I wasn't even finished grade 6, 12 years old and sporting C-cup boobs that showed no signs of slowing their growth. I was already starting to get a sore upper back from carrying those things around on a 12 year old frame.
And just like a a pimple on prom night, they kept growing and growing.
By age 14 I was often being mistaken for 19 and 20 years old and it certainly wasn't because of my knowledge of classic literature and my mature demeanor. Men twice my age and many more who were blatantly old enough to be my father would whistle, stare, make cat calls or try a cheesy pick up line. Most of them ran away in horror when I would tell them I wasn't even close to being of legal age to vote let alone for what they had in mind. Being a teenager is awkward enough, let alone suddenly getting attention that you know isn't genuine. I had no idea how to deal with it. Girls would trash me and call me a slut because I had big boobs even though I had barely even kissed a guy at 14. Guys would assume I was easy because I had boobs even though I was actually quite terrified of sex at that age. I had no other identity...I wasn't funny, I wasn't smart, I wasn't nice, I wasn't anything...I was a pair of breasts. So, eventually I tried to 'own it' and took to low-cut shirts, making jokes about it, making (bad) attempts to be flirty....because I had resigned myself to the fact that it seemed they were all I had to offer. Yet, I stayed a virgin and rarely even kissed the guys I flirted with...because as much as I tried to 'own it'...I resented the fact that they just liked me for one reason.
I couldn't wear the cute shirts, dresses, swimsuits that other girls my age were wearing because they either looked ridiculous, didn't come in my size or looked like something out of a bad porn. Forget training bras, by high school I was having to buy bras at special boutiques for $100 a pop. I walked around with hunched shoulders and back pain. I wore a lot of baggy hoodies, hockey jerseys and my brother's old shirts, thinking that maybe I could hide them.
Then a miracle occurred. I was at a muscle rehab session for my bad neck and shoulders from years of bad posture from lugging what were now enormous sacks of flesh around on my frontage for years. The insanely cute doctor had me do a few stretches to see where my bad muscles were and told me that it was the front weight that was hurting me...and he asked me if I'd ever considered a breast reduction. What?? They do that? I called my mother over and she, having been a nurse, asked him the smart questions such as long term effects, scarring, healing, etc. All I asked was..."How soon can it be done??"
And so it came to be. I remember very clearly standing in the little pre-op room while the surgeon asked me to take down my gown so he could make some markings on my breasts for the surgery...I had trouble not being a little offended that he in no way reacted when I got topless. I was 19 years old, I had not shown a lot of men my boobs before, but I was certainly not used to a man being bored and professional about them. He asked me what size I wanted to go down to...I said that I didn't care if they went concave, just get them off of me. He chuckled. They had told me to bring one of my bras without the under-wire so that they would use it to help keep the gauze and bandages in place for a few days after surgery, so when I left the hospital, I didn't feel any smaller or different. My mother was my at-home nurse so when the time to remove the bandages came, she helped me undo the bra, and slowly peel the bandages off me. The doctor had warned me that I would be sore, badly bruised and that I would have lumpy boobs at first...because they would need to re-settle into their new natural shape over time. I looked down and they looked so small...and man were they lumpy...it was like looking at two half eaten bruised potatoes on my chest. I was horrified (and hugely drugged) and thought I'd made a huge mistake...I was so used to being the girl with the big boobs...I felt like I'd lost part of my identity.
I was uneasy for days, wondering if I'd done the right thing. I didn't have my real answer until my mother brought me new bra shopping at La Senza. It was my first time there in ages, I hadn't fit into off-the-rack bras in years. I hadn't gotten to wear the 2 for $20 cute lacy bras that young girls love...I was trying to shove my mountainous burdens into what felt like harnesses discarded from military missions. I walked into the brightly coloured bra boutique and literally skipped around grabbing one of every colour to try on. I put on the first bra and threw my t-shirt over it and looked at myself. All doubt was gone...I felt awesome. I felt normal. I felt like a hunchback who had had the hump removed...just...in the front. The Hunchfront of North Toronto...not quite as catchy.
A weight had been both literally and figuratively lifted from me, I felt like I didn't have to be defined by my shape anymore. It was only at that time that I really started dating at all, I had never previously trusted guys that they didn't just like me for my....plumage. A few guys who had always been so nice suddenly weren't very nice to me anymore. I didn't mourn their loss any more than the loss of the searing shoulder pain I'd gotten rid of.
I did not have small breasts after the surgery, but I had breasts that did not enter the room 2 feet before the rest of me. I was more social and willing to talk to people after that, I felt much less awkward about having any attention drawn to me. I met a surprising number of girls who had had the surgery as well or who were considering it and we all agreed that big boobs were more of a curse than a blessing and that getting them reduced was a saving grace.
I still have a full frontage...they fluctuate with my ever trampolining weight on the scale. I still sometimes have trouble finding a decent fit but I can still walk into stores and find something that will fit. The only things that are still a no-go are button up shirts (any girl with C-Cups or over knows the eternal struggle with the button boob gap) and anything strapless...because I don't need them bouncing of my knees or injuring a small passing child. I am comfortable in my frame, I don't feel the need to hide away as if I'm on day-release from the circus, but I am also comfortable enough with myself to not have to walk around with the girls hanging out for all to see. At this age, I'd rather dazzle you with my wit than show you a tit.
I could say a ton more about the subject of boobs, I fancy myself, not an expert but...experienced. I am not even really trying to make a specific point with this story...other than perhaps showing that everyone is insecure about something and that getting what you wish for isn't always a good thing. I still always wish I was skinnier, but then I wonder what I'd be unhappy about if I were to achieve that. Big boobs, small boobs, women are rarely happy with them..and if they are, they're probably unhappy about some other part of themselves. Just don't make assumptions about someone because of how they look. Deal?
Tuesday 24 March 2015
New dictionary entries in 2015
Each year the OED accepts new words and a 'word' of the year is named for being the most popular. I have a few of my own creations that I would like to submit.
Trifukta (try-fuck-tah)- noun. To have three major errors or flaws. Eg. "Rob Ford is racist, sexist and homophobic, he has completed the trifukta of being a horrible human being" OR "I busted my phone, threw up in the street and ripped my pants, tonight has been a complete trifukta"
Clam Bake (klam bayk)- noun. A gathering a females. The female equivalent to the "Sausage Fest". Eg. "There were no guys at the party, it was a total clam bake"
Hypercrastinate (hy-purr-cras-tin-ate), verb. To have a ton of energy but not do anything productive. Eg. "I was bouncing off the walls but couldn't be bothered to go mail that letter down the road, I just sat around hypercrastinating".
Zeeyoncé (zee-yawn-say) noun. An ugly and ghetto girl who thinks she's Queen Bee. "Girl, you tryna be Beyoncé but you so low rent, you more like Zeeyoncé"
Trifukta (try-fuck-tah)- noun. To have three major errors or flaws. Eg. "Rob Ford is racist, sexist and homophobic, he has completed the trifukta of being a horrible human being" OR "I busted my phone, threw up in the street and ripped my pants, tonight has been a complete trifukta"
Clam Bake (klam bayk)- noun. A gathering a females. The female equivalent to the "Sausage Fest". Eg. "There were no guys at the party, it was a total clam bake"
Hypercrastinate (hy-purr-cras-tin-ate), verb. To have a ton of energy but not do anything productive. Eg. "I was bouncing off the walls but couldn't be bothered to go mail that letter down the road, I just sat around hypercrastinating".
Zeeyoncé (zee-yawn-say) noun. An ugly and ghetto girl who thinks she's Queen Bee. "Girl, you tryna be Beyoncé but you so low rent, you more like Zeeyoncé"
Friday 20 March 2015
40 Reasons To Smile
I'm told that today is International Happiness Day...so in that spirit- I am going to name off a list of things that, instead of 'noooope', always make me go 'yeeeeep'
Here is my own personal book of awesome:
A really cold beer
Coming in late to work only to find out that the boss is even later than you
Watching a princess-looking woman trip over her own heels
Hearing that the person who you hate got into trouble at work
Making someone spit their drink out from laughing
Taking your bra off at the end of the day
The cashier telling you that your item is actually on sale
Getting your contact lens in on the first try
Someone bringing you a hot cup of tea (or coffee) in the morning
When a child asks to sit next to you
Thinking you forgot your charger but finding you didn't
Grabbing your keys as soon as you go into your purse instead of having to search
When an old friend reconnects without having ulterior motives
Your online order being delivered way faster than you expected
Meeting a new friend from the same fandom as you
Getting the elevator to yourself
Getting a seat on the subway/bus
When the office closes early the day before a holiday
When an animal falls asleep on you
Getting home from work and taking off your pants
A foot rub when you've been walking all day
Stepping in front of a fan on a really hot day
Finding out that your guilty pleasure food isn't as high calorie as first thought
When they open a new cash register just as you walk up to the line
Free donuts at work
Your best friend saying something unbelievably stupid so that you laugh your ass off
Finding out that your favourite show has been renewed for another season
Getting to use a piece of obscure trivia you aren't even sure how you know
Laughing until you either snort or wheeze
A onesie
Good hair days
Free samples!
Getting that long overdue 'to do' item checked off your list
Having breakfast for dinner
Wearing a new shirt and people complimenting you on it
Finally being alone and able to scratch your butt when it's super itchy
Getting the cozy chairs in the café
Getting to go back to sleep
Comfy shoes
Fridays
Here is my own personal book of awesome:
A really cold beer
Coming in late to work only to find out that the boss is even later than you
Watching a princess-looking woman trip over her own heels
Hearing that the person who you hate got into trouble at work
Making someone spit their drink out from laughing
Taking your bra off at the end of the day
The cashier telling you that your item is actually on sale
Getting your contact lens in on the first try
Someone bringing you a hot cup of tea (or coffee) in the morning
When a child asks to sit next to you
Thinking you forgot your charger but finding you didn't
Grabbing your keys as soon as you go into your purse instead of having to search
When an old friend reconnects without having ulterior motives
Your online order being delivered way faster than you expected
Meeting a new friend from the same fandom as you
Getting the elevator to yourself
Getting a seat on the subway/bus
When the office closes early the day before a holiday
When an animal falls asleep on you
Getting home from work and taking off your pants
A foot rub when you've been walking all day
Stepping in front of a fan on a really hot day
Finding out that your guilty pleasure food isn't as high calorie as first thought
When they open a new cash register just as you walk up to the line
Free donuts at work
Your best friend saying something unbelievably stupid so that you laugh your ass off
Finding out that your favourite show has been renewed for another season
Getting to use a piece of obscure trivia you aren't even sure how you know
Laughing until you either snort or wheeze
A onesie
Good hair days
Free samples!
Getting that long overdue 'to do' item checked off your list
Having breakfast for dinner
Wearing a new shirt and people complimenting you on it
Finally being alone and able to scratch your butt when it's super itchy
Getting the cozy chairs in the café
Getting to go back to sleep
Comfy shoes
Fridays
IKEA...more like WHY-KEA?!
The episode of 30 Rock (Season 6, episode 6) where Liz goes to IKEA with her boyfriend may be the most honest and truthful piece of television writing in history. While that show may have been the source for many crucial life lessons "Live every week like it's Shark Week" - Tracy Jordan, and "Never follow a hippie to a second location" - Jack Donaghy, the IKEA episode hits home the hardest. In that episode Liz Lemon makes the very real point that IKEA is where couples go to die and it makes everyone insane. Sing it true, girlfriend!
Ladies and gentleman....I hate IKEA.
I don't mean I hate IKEA in the same way that I hate having to stand in line at the post office or how I hate people who name their kids bulls**t names like Persephone Apple Blossom Rainchild...I mean I hate IKEA in a way that causes me to break out into a rash the moment someone even suggests going there.
Don't let their bright happy blue and yellow colours or their adorably quirky Swedish-ness fool you...they are pure evil.
The typical trip to IKEA is such an ordeal that it will completely suck up your entire day and spit you out so cruelly that you may not even know what just happened to you, or even who you are anymore.
Just think about every trip to IKEA you've ever taken....
First of all, you have to get there....the ordeal begins. There are no IKEAs close-by to civilization, you must always drive or subway out to the middle of nowhere, because they must lure you to the edge of all humanity so that you won't be able to go shopping anywhere else that entire day. Once you've entered their land, they have you trapped...there is nowhere else to go. You've spent so long getting there that you better make it worth the effort to have gone. They have succeeded in wearing you down by the time you've entered the store.
In every entrance stands the same disgusting children's playroom with the urine soaked ball-pit and influenza coated slides. There are stands with catalogues, pencils, writing pamphlets and those shitty foot-long paper measuring tapes. What there should be is a 'Proceed at Your Own Risk' sign and Gollum to guide you into the brightly coloured Scandinavian Mordor.
And so you enter and immediately you're overwhelmed by the amount of things to look at: room displays, price tags, huge vats of random trinkets and gadgets and the constant hoard of other shoppers, many of which have dragged along their screaming children for some reason that is beyond me. Like a stunned animal, you begin to wind you way into their maze, looking at the carefully crafted showrooms and finding a charming humour in the names of the objects.
Every 5 feet there is the question from your spouse "Do we need one of these?"....and it's always no...nobody has ever needed one...whatever it is.
Soon you arrive at the chairs and couches and every time, you feel some draw to sit in one- often because you're already exhausted, but you also can't help but want to learn more about the $200 couch. Your spouse is in a corner looking at a cheap flower pot, so you sit...and you adjust...and you squirm. You quickly realize that this is one of the most uncomfortable things you've ever sat in and it's almost no relief from standing because your lower back feels like it's being compacted. You get up, disappointed, and carry on, now a bit disillusioned and grumpier than before you sat down. Your spouse gives you a sneer because of the grumpy look on your face "What's your problem?" you both begin to think.
You slowly begin to wonder where the section you need is...this confusing maze of a store keeps winding you around but doesn't actually seem to have an ending or any sense of real direction. You look at the time and are amazed how late it already is...you'd better keep going. The moment one of you begins to dawdle...and you will...the other immediately snaps "Come on!"....no man left behind in IKEA...because if I have to drag my ass on, so do you dammit. At this point, you have stopped consulting each other on the little trinkets and are feeling resentful that you ever came.
If you're looking for furniture, it's about now that you'll spot something roughly the same size and shape as what you were looking for....although it's never exactly what you want. You look at the size, you argue over the colour ("The table is dark wood but I like white" , "Who would have a blue mirror?" etc). You read the size but neither of you really know what that equals in actual space...so you try to use the shitty paper measuring tape...but it's too short and when you try to stretch it at all, it snaps in half. You look at the price and figure you'll try it...but you can't just buy it there...you have to write down the coordinates to go attempt to locate it and pick it up at the end of your shopping fun.
You're done the first section and you come across a section that God (or Gods) forgot. The IKEA cafeteria. It's not a restaurant, no matter what they call it. No restaurant would ever sell $1 meatballs and $2 turkey dinners. It is inexplicably overflowing with children and people, you don't understand how so many people can be fooled into eating rubber food and tasteless slop. One of you will want to stop and go in, if for no other reason than to take a break from endless parade of showrooms and not-quite-right furniture. Whether you stop or not, you're in for a bad time, either you eat the horrible food and feel worse for having ingested it or you soldier on and the person who wanted to stop resents the lack of repose.
There are no more showrooms in the second half, it's all just utensils. frames, kitchen goods, lighting and the smaller household things that can really cause misery. Furniture is big enough that most couples will go into it with the understanding that both parties should have a common goal- the smaller utensil type stuff is a total free-for-all. Each item is small enough that you feel you shouldn't need to justify it, and it's always too cheap to want to really start a fight over...but yet you find yourself arguing about the $4.00 blue vase every time. This is where the resentments build to breaking point "We don't need a cheap lemon zester...you won't use it...you don't use half of the crap you already own...and it's always me cleaning it...you never clean up....I do everything...I hate you". Boom. Ikea has caused another relationship to explode in anger.
You walk through the remaining sections looking at every item because you'd rather look at the crappy wicker garden basket than look your spouse in the eye right now. You're so filled with hate and resentment right now that you draw out how long you look at everything just to avoid them. You contemplate buying the ugly huge fern right near the exit just because it will be something in the house you could talk to rather than your partner.
And so you think you're done...oh no....you aren't done yet. You enter the warehouse in which you need to comb through the aisles of brown boxes to find the one product you wanted to buy an hour ago and can't even remember what it is. You look at the coordinates written on your pamphlet with the stupid golf pencil you dropped 20 minutes ago in a basket somewhere....and you go hunting. if you're lucky, when you track your boxes, they have it in stock; or if it comes in two parts, they may have stock of only one. You are ready to grab it and go...except once you lift it you find that it weighs roughly the same as a neutron star. How on Earth are you going to get this home on the subway? And it's huge...this won't fit in the trunk. Screw it, you came all this way, spent all this time and energy, you are determined to not leave without it. You haul it onto one of those weird trolleys that never steers properly and head to the cash, bumping 5 bystanders on your way and getting your ankles rammed about 4 times by others. You see the lines....the ungodly long lines...and then the spouse says the magic words "I just want to check out the As IS section".
The As-Is...the unholiest of grounds on the planet. Where broken and damaged furniture that was crap when it was brand new are sold at a slightly reduced rate in an attempt to pawn off garbage onto the weak and gullible. Random planks of wood, old unlabeled parts, couches with huge rips and dressers with gouges are all on sale for 10% off. Every second you're forced to stand there and assess the heaps of garbage, you are about to explode...you just want to leave and get out of this fluorescent lighted hell.
You return to the mile long line...and you wait and wait and wait. Finally, it's your turn and the cashier rings you through....and you feel yourself throw up in your mouth when you see your total. How did all of that cheap crap add up so so much money?! You're so desperate to get out that you pay and figure you'll look at the receipt later. You pass by their last trap...the ice cream and hot dogs. For $1 fat and carbs, you figure you've earned it...who cares if the line is twice as long as the one you just stood in. It tastes bland and the kid behind the counter didn't wash his hands...but you're too tired to care. You walk outside into the loading area and it's more crowded than a sale at Walmart. You send your spouse to bring the car around and after 20 minutes, they finally find a parking spot close to the loading zone. This is where your years of playing Tetris as a kid come in handy...because the huge heavy box versus the trunk/backseat is about as complicated as the German Enigma Code machine from WWII. You scratch the leather interior...you drop on it our foot...you back your knuckles on the side of the car and then you hit your head as you back out of finally shoving it in the corner.
You're exhausted, you hate your spouse, you're bruised and you paid too much. Now you get to journey home laden with that Satan spawn box of crap furniture. And guess what? You still have to assemble it.
But that is another story.
Happy IKEA shopping!
Ladies and gentleman....I hate IKEA.
I don't mean I hate IKEA in the same way that I hate having to stand in line at the post office or how I hate people who name their kids bulls**t names like Persephone Apple Blossom Rainchild...I mean I hate IKEA in a way that causes me to break out into a rash the moment someone even suggests going there.
Don't let their bright happy blue and yellow colours or their adorably quirky Swedish-ness fool you...they are pure evil.
The typical trip to IKEA is such an ordeal that it will completely suck up your entire day and spit you out so cruelly that you may not even know what just happened to you, or even who you are anymore.
Just think about every trip to IKEA you've ever taken....
First of all, you have to get there....the ordeal begins. There are no IKEAs close-by to civilization, you must always drive or subway out to the middle of nowhere, because they must lure you to the edge of all humanity so that you won't be able to go shopping anywhere else that entire day. Once you've entered their land, they have you trapped...there is nowhere else to go. You've spent so long getting there that you better make it worth the effort to have gone. They have succeeded in wearing you down by the time you've entered the store.
In every entrance stands the same disgusting children's playroom with the urine soaked ball-pit and influenza coated slides. There are stands with catalogues, pencils, writing pamphlets and those shitty foot-long paper measuring tapes. What there should be is a 'Proceed at Your Own Risk' sign and Gollum to guide you into the brightly coloured Scandinavian Mordor.
And so you enter and immediately you're overwhelmed by the amount of things to look at: room displays, price tags, huge vats of random trinkets and gadgets and the constant hoard of other shoppers, many of which have dragged along their screaming children for some reason that is beyond me. Like a stunned animal, you begin to wind you way into their maze, looking at the carefully crafted showrooms and finding a charming humour in the names of the objects.
Every 5 feet there is the question from your spouse "Do we need one of these?"....and it's always no...nobody has ever needed one...whatever it is.
Soon you arrive at the chairs and couches and every time, you feel some draw to sit in one- often because you're already exhausted, but you also can't help but want to learn more about the $200 couch. Your spouse is in a corner looking at a cheap flower pot, so you sit...and you adjust...and you squirm. You quickly realize that this is one of the most uncomfortable things you've ever sat in and it's almost no relief from standing because your lower back feels like it's being compacted. You get up, disappointed, and carry on, now a bit disillusioned and grumpier than before you sat down. Your spouse gives you a sneer because of the grumpy look on your face "What's your problem?" you both begin to think.
You slowly begin to wonder where the section you need is...this confusing maze of a store keeps winding you around but doesn't actually seem to have an ending or any sense of real direction. You look at the time and are amazed how late it already is...you'd better keep going. The moment one of you begins to dawdle...and you will...the other immediately snaps "Come on!"....no man left behind in IKEA...because if I have to drag my ass on, so do you dammit. At this point, you have stopped consulting each other on the little trinkets and are feeling resentful that you ever came.
If you're looking for furniture, it's about now that you'll spot something roughly the same size and shape as what you were looking for....although it's never exactly what you want. You look at the size, you argue over the colour ("The table is dark wood but I like white" , "Who would have a blue mirror?" etc). You read the size but neither of you really know what that equals in actual space...so you try to use the shitty paper measuring tape...but it's too short and when you try to stretch it at all, it snaps in half. You look at the price and figure you'll try it...but you can't just buy it there...you have to write down the coordinates to go attempt to locate it and pick it up at the end of your shopping fun.
You're done the first section and you come across a section that God (or Gods) forgot. The IKEA cafeteria. It's not a restaurant, no matter what they call it. No restaurant would ever sell $1 meatballs and $2 turkey dinners. It is inexplicably overflowing with children and people, you don't understand how so many people can be fooled into eating rubber food and tasteless slop. One of you will want to stop and go in, if for no other reason than to take a break from endless parade of showrooms and not-quite-right furniture. Whether you stop or not, you're in for a bad time, either you eat the horrible food and feel worse for having ingested it or you soldier on and the person who wanted to stop resents the lack of repose.
There are no more showrooms in the second half, it's all just utensils. frames, kitchen goods, lighting and the smaller household things that can really cause misery. Furniture is big enough that most couples will go into it with the understanding that both parties should have a common goal- the smaller utensil type stuff is a total free-for-all. Each item is small enough that you feel you shouldn't need to justify it, and it's always too cheap to want to really start a fight over...but yet you find yourself arguing about the $4.00 blue vase every time. This is where the resentments build to breaking point "We don't need a cheap lemon zester...you won't use it...you don't use half of the crap you already own...and it's always me cleaning it...you never clean up....I do everything...I hate you". Boom. Ikea has caused another relationship to explode in anger.
You walk through the remaining sections looking at every item because you'd rather look at the crappy wicker garden basket than look your spouse in the eye right now. You're so filled with hate and resentment right now that you draw out how long you look at everything just to avoid them. You contemplate buying the ugly huge fern right near the exit just because it will be something in the house you could talk to rather than your partner.
And so you think you're done...oh no....you aren't done yet. You enter the warehouse in which you need to comb through the aisles of brown boxes to find the one product you wanted to buy an hour ago and can't even remember what it is. You look at the coordinates written on your pamphlet with the stupid golf pencil you dropped 20 minutes ago in a basket somewhere....and you go hunting. if you're lucky, when you track your boxes, they have it in stock; or if it comes in two parts, they may have stock of only one. You are ready to grab it and go...except once you lift it you find that it weighs roughly the same as a neutron star. How on Earth are you going to get this home on the subway? And it's huge...this won't fit in the trunk. Screw it, you came all this way, spent all this time and energy, you are determined to not leave without it. You haul it onto one of those weird trolleys that never steers properly and head to the cash, bumping 5 bystanders on your way and getting your ankles rammed about 4 times by others. You see the lines....the ungodly long lines...and then the spouse says the magic words "I just want to check out the As IS section".
The As-Is...the unholiest of grounds on the planet. Where broken and damaged furniture that was crap when it was brand new are sold at a slightly reduced rate in an attempt to pawn off garbage onto the weak and gullible. Random planks of wood, old unlabeled parts, couches with huge rips and dressers with gouges are all on sale for 10% off. Every second you're forced to stand there and assess the heaps of garbage, you are about to explode...you just want to leave and get out of this fluorescent lighted hell.
You return to the mile long line...and you wait and wait and wait. Finally, it's your turn and the cashier rings you through....and you feel yourself throw up in your mouth when you see your total. How did all of that cheap crap add up so so much money?! You're so desperate to get out that you pay and figure you'll look at the receipt later. You pass by their last trap...the ice cream and hot dogs. For $1 fat and carbs, you figure you've earned it...who cares if the line is twice as long as the one you just stood in. It tastes bland and the kid behind the counter didn't wash his hands...but you're too tired to care. You walk outside into the loading area and it's more crowded than a sale at Walmart. You send your spouse to bring the car around and after 20 minutes, they finally find a parking spot close to the loading zone. This is where your years of playing Tetris as a kid come in handy...because the huge heavy box versus the trunk/backseat is about as complicated as the German Enigma Code machine from WWII. You scratch the leather interior...you drop on it our foot...you back your knuckles on the side of the car and then you hit your head as you back out of finally shoving it in the corner.
You're exhausted, you hate your spouse, you're bruised and you paid too much. Now you get to journey home laden with that Satan spawn box of crap furniture. And guess what? You still have to assemble it.
But that is another story.
Happy IKEA shopping!
Wednesday 11 March 2015
The Hatred for Pants Explained
"Don't you hate pants?!" said Homer Simpson... and yes, I really do.
How can a person hate pants? Oh...I hate them...I hate them more than I hate that leg jerk you get sometimes when you're just about to fall asleep that wakes you right up.
My hatred is based on two main factors: 1. I am a girl 2. I spent the majority of my life as plus sized. These two simple factors are not exactly uncommon (especially if you've ever been to the southern US states) yet they make the love of a good pant a rare thing.
If I were to meet the makers of jeans, pants, capris, shorts etc. I think that my main question would be "Who the living hell are you using as a sizing model?" No woman that I know has an easy time buying any kind of pant because nothing fits. My body type was never something so rare that I should never have expected to find clothing to fit my freakish frame, I have been overweight but I was at no point shaped like a starfish, oblong or Dyson vaccuum cleaner..so why, no matter the size, can I not find pants that fit a woman's body?
Do they fit around your waist? Well they probably make your butt look big. Do they make your legs look slim? I bet they're 4 feet too long. Are they your usual size? I bet they make you look like you've got bigger saddle bags than John Wayne.
Even after losing weight, I have yet to find a pair of pants that fit properly, be they jeans, capris, khakis, dress pants or the like.
The only exception is, of course, sweatpants (not yoga pants, I don't do yoga pants, they are only flattering if you have a yoga body). There needs to be a movement in the fashion world to make sweatpants 'in' at all times, not just on casual Fridays and lazy Sundays. I know that many women wear them around out now...but you can't help but feel like they should be trolling the aisles of Wal-Mart in them.
My other pant related issue is with shorts. Ladies, call me old fashioned, but I believe that your shorts should be longer than your vagina.
How short are shorts before they're just considered underwear?! I have seen far too much ass cheek, thigh jiggle and upper thigh whiteness to be a supporter of shorts. Throw on a pair of these denim panty-wannabes and one of the tiny tank tops and I feel like women are now walking around in their underwear. I am not a fashonista, I have been guilty of numerous fashion crimes (I most often dress similar to a 15 year old boy)...but every time I walk past one of these women it reminds me to book my next gynecologist appointment.
So, I call on the designers, the fashion savvy and the pant-wearing world at large, that we need a pant revolution. Pants that fit...not a hard concept. They can put a rover on Mars, they can decode a genome...but yet they cannot create a pair of jeans to fit a regular woman.
The day moo-moo's become socially acceptable will the happiest day in history.
How can a person hate pants? Oh...I hate them...I hate them more than I hate that leg jerk you get sometimes when you're just about to fall asleep that wakes you right up.
My hatred is based on two main factors: 1. I am a girl 2. I spent the majority of my life as plus sized. These two simple factors are not exactly uncommon (especially if you've ever been to the southern US states) yet they make the love of a good pant a rare thing.
If I were to meet the makers of jeans, pants, capris, shorts etc. I think that my main question would be "Who the living hell are you using as a sizing model?" No woman that I know has an easy time buying any kind of pant because nothing fits. My body type was never something so rare that I should never have expected to find clothing to fit my freakish frame, I have been overweight but I was at no point shaped like a starfish, oblong or Dyson vaccuum cleaner..so why, no matter the size, can I not find pants that fit a woman's body?
Do they fit around your waist? Well they probably make your butt look big. Do they make your legs look slim? I bet they're 4 feet too long. Are they your usual size? I bet they make you look like you've got bigger saddle bags than John Wayne.
Even after losing weight, I have yet to find a pair of pants that fit properly, be they jeans, capris, khakis, dress pants or the like.
The only exception is, of course, sweatpants (not yoga pants, I don't do yoga pants, they are only flattering if you have a yoga body). There needs to be a movement in the fashion world to make sweatpants 'in' at all times, not just on casual Fridays and lazy Sundays. I know that many women wear them around out now...but you can't help but feel like they should be trolling the aisles of Wal-Mart in them.
My other pant related issue is with shorts. Ladies, call me old fashioned, but I believe that your shorts should be longer than your vagina.
How short are shorts before they're just considered underwear?! I have seen far too much ass cheek, thigh jiggle and upper thigh whiteness to be a supporter of shorts. Throw on a pair of these denim panty-wannabes and one of the tiny tank tops and I feel like women are now walking around in their underwear. I am not a fashonista, I have been guilty of numerous fashion crimes (I most often dress similar to a 15 year old boy)...but every time I walk past one of these women it reminds me to book my next gynecologist appointment.
So, I call on the designers, the fashion savvy and the pant-wearing world at large, that we need a pant revolution. Pants that fit...not a hard concept. They can put a rover on Mars, they can decode a genome...but yet they cannot create a pair of jeans to fit a regular woman.
The day moo-moo's become socially acceptable will the happiest day in history.
These are a few of my LEAST favourite things
I often think of things that annoy me but they don't quite have enough meat in them to sustain their own rant, so I am compiling them into this list of little shitty moments. For most of them, one of these isn't enough to ruin your entire day, but pick any 3 and have them all occur within a 24-hour period, and that day is a write-off.
- Not being able to wear the outfit you'd mentally prepared to wear
- Making tea/coffee and discovering that there's no milk
- Getting to the street corner when the counter is a '3'...because you're a dick if you start crossing but it's still an extra 3 seconds you have to stand at what is technically a green light and feel dumb.
- Taking a sip of your tea and it's ice cold
- Not having hot water
- Someone not saying 'thank you'
- Tripping in public
- Replying immediately to a text you've received only to not get a response...what did you do, text me then throw the phone out of the window?
- Meeting up with someone who is more than 15 minutes late and they didn't bother to text or call
- Stepping in a puddle and it soaks your sock
- Socks in general...f**k socks
- Your team losing....trust me, I'm a Leafs fan, I know this feeling better than most
- Realizing it's not pay week until next week.
- Being on hold
- When the item you want is finally on sale but they don't have your size
- Getting stuck behind someone who is making a return or has to hassle the cashier
- People who argue for the sake of argument...go deal with your anger issues on your own time
- Teenagers...all of them...always
- Getting stuck behind people who walk abysmally slow and not being able to get around them
- Someone who doesn't hold the door open for you
- When they don't have any good soup at your favourite lunch spot...this happened to me yesterday and I'm still bitter.
- Getting to work and realizing that the look you thought was 'hot' at home in the mirror looks ridiculous
- Lipstick on your teeth
- Fat days, bad hair days, cramp days
- Going the whole week without winning F**K ALL in Roll Up the Rim
- Getting a bitchy voicemail first thing in the morning
- Being happy that 'at least it's Thursday' only to realize it's Wednesday
- Leaving a store with a bag of stuff you bought having forgotten to buy the thing you originally went in for.
- Breaking a nail...don't pretend like it doesn't suck
- Your boss dropping by unexpectedly...it throws you off.
- Your computer freezing
- Forgetting your password for something
- Having a headache
- Having to pretend you enjoy your friend's bullsh*t inspirational quotes they always post
- Hearing that an actor or singer you like has died
- Getting into an argument via text...because those last ages
- Not knowing what you want for dinner...it's just frustration you eat
- Hearing someone misquote your favourite book or movie
- Getting blamed for something that wasn't your fault
- Going to every store in the mall and still not finding anything you like
- When the fast food place gets your order wrong
- Delays on the TTC
- Looking down and seeing a stain in your shirt or a run in your pantyhose
- When your cashier is rude for no reason
- Forgetting your headphones
- Rain when you weren't expecting it
- Your colleague being off sick
- Waking up with less than 5 minutes before your alarm goes off
- Getting a reminder call for an appointment tomorrow you totally forgot about
- Getting to the stop or station just to see your bus/train pulling away
- Calling for any kind of appointment and them not having anything available
- Explaining something 17 times and the other person still doesn't get it
- When your phone rings just as you get up to go to the washroom (although most men I know would just bring their phone in with them...cause they're gross)
- Having to go somewhere when you only have 20% battery life left on your phone
Hm, kinda got a bit long winded...but many things bother me. So,..how's your day?
- Not being able to wear the outfit you'd mentally prepared to wear
- Making tea/coffee and discovering that there's no milk
- Getting to the street corner when the counter is a '3'...because you're a dick if you start crossing but it's still an extra 3 seconds you have to stand at what is technically a green light and feel dumb.
- Taking a sip of your tea and it's ice cold
- Not having hot water
- Someone not saying 'thank you'
- Tripping in public
- Replying immediately to a text you've received only to not get a response...what did you do, text me then throw the phone out of the window?
- Meeting up with someone who is more than 15 minutes late and they didn't bother to text or call
- Stepping in a puddle and it soaks your sock
- Socks in general...f**k socks
- Your team losing....trust me, I'm a Leafs fan, I know this feeling better than most
- Realizing it's not pay week until next week.
- Being on hold
- When the item you want is finally on sale but they don't have your size
- Getting stuck behind someone who is making a return or has to hassle the cashier
- People who argue for the sake of argument...go deal with your anger issues on your own time
- Teenagers...all of them...always
- Getting stuck behind people who walk abysmally slow and not being able to get around them
- Someone who doesn't hold the door open for you
- When they don't have any good soup at your favourite lunch spot...this happened to me yesterday and I'm still bitter.
- Getting to work and realizing that the look you thought was 'hot' at home in the mirror looks ridiculous
- Lipstick on your teeth
- Fat days, bad hair days, cramp days
- Going the whole week without winning F**K ALL in Roll Up the Rim
- Getting a bitchy voicemail first thing in the morning
- Being happy that 'at least it's Thursday' only to realize it's Wednesday
- Leaving a store with a bag of stuff you bought having forgotten to buy the thing you originally went in for.
- Breaking a nail...don't pretend like it doesn't suck
- Your boss dropping by unexpectedly...it throws you off.
- Your computer freezing
- Forgetting your password for something
- Having a headache
- Having to pretend you enjoy your friend's bullsh*t inspirational quotes they always post
- Hearing that an actor or singer you like has died
- Getting into an argument via text...because those last ages
- Not knowing what you want for dinner...it's just frustration you eat
- Hearing someone misquote your favourite book or movie
- Getting blamed for something that wasn't your fault
- Going to every store in the mall and still not finding anything you like
- When the fast food place gets your order wrong
- Delays on the TTC
- Looking down and seeing a stain in your shirt or a run in your pantyhose
- When your cashier is rude for no reason
- Forgetting your headphones
- Rain when you weren't expecting it
- Your colleague being off sick
- Waking up with less than 5 minutes before your alarm goes off
- Getting a reminder call for an appointment tomorrow you totally forgot about
- Getting to the stop or station just to see your bus/train pulling away
- Calling for any kind of appointment and them not having anything available
- Explaining something 17 times and the other person still doesn't get it
- When your phone rings just as you get up to go to the washroom (although most men I know would just bring their phone in with them...cause they're gross)
- Having to go somewhere when you only have 20% battery life left on your phone
Hm, kinda got a bit long winded...but many things bother me. So,..how's your day?
Thursday 26 February 2015
Another batch of people who need to go away
In the spirit of the frigid season, I've taken a look back and found that I have discovered more people who simply need to go away. As I add and add to the list, I can't help but get the feeling that eventually I will have told everyone on Earth to go away, leaving only myself, Robert Downey Jr and Tom Hiddleston....my plan is working.
More people who need to simply go away:
People who stop in the middle of hallways to chat, check their phone or figure out where they're going.
People who have a problem with a black stormtrooper
Anyone...ANYONE who gets offended by Christmas.....I will stab you with the scissors I use to cut Santa Claus wrapping paper
The 2015 PanAm games....nobody cares.
Parents who post incessant photos of their horrendously ugly babies online.
Jian Gomeshi, if he likes non-consensual rough sex, just wait until prison!
Strombo...you know music...but stay the hell away from hockey.
Bill Cosby...Thanks for scarring my childhood, asshole!!!!!!
Giggling freshmen girls.....grrrrrr
Anyone who is in IKEA at the same time as me
Friends who constantly ask for your advise but never take it
The person/machine who picks the lotto numbers...boo-urns!
Anyone or anything that causes me to have to take off my onesie on a weekend morning
People who name their kids weird names...they have to live with that name .
Rich people who don't randomly want to give me money....what's up with that?
My fat cells....seriously.
Teenagers..I've mentioned them before but I really can't stress enough just how much I hate them.
People who call your work phone at 4:58pm
People who only answer text messages when they need something
Anyone who doesn't hold the door for the person behind them...it takes half a second.
Whoever agreed to allow such a huge break between seasons 3 and 4 of Sherlock.
That one friend who never plans ahead and then always expects everyone else to cover their ass
Those friends and family members who became unbearable as soon as they had kids
People who harp on me for not liking sushi...I don't want your disgusting fish and seaweed pieces of satan's taint thank you!
This winter...seriously, warm up dammit!
More people who need to simply go away:
People who stop in the middle of hallways to chat, check their phone or figure out where they're going.
People who have a problem with a black stormtrooper
Anyone...ANYONE who gets offended by Christmas.....I will stab you with the scissors I use to cut Santa Claus wrapping paper
The 2015 PanAm games....nobody cares.
Parents who post incessant photos of their horrendously ugly babies online.
Jian Gomeshi, if he likes non-consensual rough sex, just wait until prison!
Strombo...you know music...but stay the hell away from hockey.
Bill Cosby...Thanks for scarring my childhood, asshole!!!!!!
Giggling freshmen girls.....grrrrrr
Anyone who is in IKEA at the same time as me
Friends who constantly ask for your advise but never take it
The person/machine who picks the lotto numbers...boo-urns!
Anyone or anything that causes me to have to take off my onesie on a weekend morning
People who name their kids weird names...they have to live with that name .
Rich people who don't randomly want to give me money....what's up with that?
My fat cells....seriously.
Teenagers..I've mentioned them before but I really can't stress enough just how much I hate them.
People who call your work phone at 4:58pm
People who only answer text messages when they need something
Anyone who doesn't hold the door for the person behind them...it takes half a second.
Whoever agreed to allow such a huge break between seasons 3 and 4 of Sherlock.
That one friend who never plans ahead and then always expects everyone else to cover their ass
Those friends and family members who became unbearable as soon as they had kids
People who harp on me for not liking sushi...I don't want your disgusting fish and seaweed pieces of satan's taint thank you!
This winter...seriously, warm up dammit!
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