While it is taking longer than I thought, let's face it, there will come a day when I am Queen of the World. We all know it, the important thing is to embrace it and to prepare for it. So, like the soon-to-be useless politicians do now, I will give you a glimpse into some of my policies that will be enacted when I take power. I highly suggest doing whatever you find necessary to adapt to these changes now, because when I do take over, the 'Great Change' as it will be known, will be swift and it will be absolute.
Royal Decree #1: Every citizen shall be given 'Stupid' stickers. These stickers are to be placed on others whom the citizen feels has acted like an idiot. Once a person has accumulated 10 stickers on their person, they will be subject to trial and punishment.
Royal Decree #2: Any man caught wearing their pants down around their knees will have the pants hiked up to the absolute highest they can physically go and have them stapled there until such a time as they are able to remove them.
Royal decree #3: Adam Sandler, Kevin James and Eddie Murphy will be banned from the making of any type of movie and the mention of any of the garbage they have made over the past decade will be punishable by endless repeat watchings of Jack & Jill.
Royal Decree #4: All music requires royal approval. This means no more Bieber, Mariah Carey is sent to Mordor and country music will really have something to twang sadly about.
Royal Decree #5: The number 9 will now be pronounced as a quacking noise....the Queen has spoken!
Royal Decree #6: There shall be established a new government department of justice. If you hurt a woman, a child, an animal or anyone who is too weak to defend themselves....you shall be subject to a way of life that will make Game of Thrones look like a Care Bears episode (well, if you don't count NoHeart...that dude was scary).
Royal Decree #7: Strombo, Kypreos and Glenn Healy are all fired. Ron McLean shall resume his place of honour and the classic version of Hockey Night in Canada shall resume. The abomination that has been displayed this season shall never henceforth be mentioned again. I shall not decree that the Leafs win, as I do not think that even a threat of total annihilation would be enough to inspire the current bunch of useless losers to make an effort.
Royal Decree #8: No more reality TV. Seriously...enough.
Royal Decree #9 (aka #Quack): George RR Martin shall HURRY THE F**K UP on the next couple of books. I need closure you fat bastard!
Royal decree #10: All middle school and high school teachers shall be given authority to beat the crap out of students....because those snot nosed pricks need to learn some respect and their parents aren't doing it.
Hem hem...for now, that is your sneak peek at the beginning of my new regime. Some of you will prosper and rejoice, some of you should start running now. It's probably best if you start worshiping me now as your loyalty will be rewarded when the day of ascension comes.
White Girl Blogging
Tuesday 28 April 2015
Friday 24 April 2015
People who need to be my friends
I have many lists of people who need to go away, but I haven't yet created a list of people in the world whom I have largely not met, but I think we should be friends. Some of these people make me laugh, some I find fascinating and others are just really cool and I need to learn their ways. If you don't recognize the name, I highly suggest looking them up.
In no particular order....
Robert Downey Jr (needs to be my husband, not just friends)
Tom Hiddleston (also husband preferable)
Jennifer Lawrence
Neil DeGrasse Tyson
The Fat Jewish (that's his Instagram name, I'm not Mel Gibson-ing)
Stephen Fry
George Takei
The Rock
Dara O'Briain
Ed Byrne
Frankie Boyle
Ellen Degeneres
David Mitchell
Tina Fey
NPH
Joss Whedon
Matt Groening
Professor Farnsworth....he's a cartoon but we can still be friends!!!
Amy Schumer
Will Ferrell
Peter Dinklage
Ricky Gervais
Jon Stewart
Whoever invented the adult onesie
The writers of Cyanide & Happiness
John Cleese
Benedict Cumberbatch
Noel Fielding
Ok, so....if you have any contacts with these future besties of mine, please let me know...so we can let our friendships blossom.
In no particular order....
Robert Downey Jr (needs to be my husband, not just friends)
Tom Hiddleston (also husband preferable)
Jennifer Lawrence
Neil DeGrasse Tyson
The Fat Jewish (that's his Instagram name, I'm not Mel Gibson-ing)
Stephen Fry
George Takei
The Rock
Dara O'Briain
Ed Byrne
Frankie Boyle
Ellen Degeneres
David Mitchell
Tina Fey
NPH
Joss Whedon
Matt Groening
Professor Farnsworth....he's a cartoon but we can still be friends!!!
Amy Schumer
Will Ferrell
Peter Dinklage
Ricky Gervais
Jon Stewart
Whoever invented the adult onesie
The writers of Cyanide & Happiness
John Cleese
Benedict Cumberbatch
Noel Fielding
Ok, so....if you have any contacts with these future besties of mine, please let me know...so we can let our friendships blossom.
Friday 17 April 2015
Facebook Misdemeanors
Social media has become the norm. It's ingrained itself in our daily lives, most of us spend time on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Tumblr etc every single day, I know I certainly do it more often than I should.
As with any public forum, there are always people who misbehave, use it irresponsibly and just shouldn't be allowed to post. There are the obvious cases of the morons who use it for cyber bullying- those people should be hung with their ethernet cables. There do exist other, less serious offences that people commit on a regular basis that are not nearly as bad but yet, are extremely annoying- they aren't Facebook felonies...more like misdemeanors. If you're guilty of any of them, stop it and punch yourself in the face. Here, my friends, are some of the different types:
Posting inspirational quotes and photos. Seriously, all you're inspiring people to do is to unfollow you It's lame, you're clogging up my timeline and I'd rather be jabbing myself in the eye. I get it , you're trying to be positive in a negative world...well I positively can't stand those 'be true to yourself' BS type posts- if I wanted to feel better about myself via Facebook, I'd look at how fat the people I went to high school got. It's preachy and you look desperate to cover up how sad you are inwardly...stop it.
The constant updater. I don't care that you just woke up. I don't care that you just had an awesome sandwich. I don't care that you're watching the game but might go out later. This is not twitter, it's not meant for instant updates, play-by-plays of the game you're watching or to share that you ate food.
The gamer. Facebook games are fun, addictive and enjoyable...and shared too easily. If your game doesn't show you that I also play it, do not send me an invite to play it. I will find you and I will end you. Stop it.
"Share if you love your daughter/son/mom/grandchild" etc. WTF are you proving by sharing that? Obviously you love your family member unless you're a Kardashian. What did you prove...that you love your family more than others love theirs? Or will your family member see that and think "oh well I wasn't sure if mom loved me, but she said so on Facebook so it must be true!" You want to tell someone you love them, how about calling them instead of trying to virtually show off how much you love someone.
The person who re-posts your photo or joke without giving you credit for it. You are the Dane Cook of Facebook, stop stealing other people's stuff to make yourself look funny. Feel free to Share posts, photos, vids etc but give the originator the credit at least.
Couples who only have one shared Facebook. You make me sick. You're two human beings, act like it. If you don't trust the other person enough to have their own Facebook, then you shouldn't have married them.
Parents who only post about parent stuff. You're a parent, congratulations. It's time consuming, life stealing and is a 24-7 job, but if that is all you are anymore, then maybe you should seek some help. Just a tip- those of your friends who don't have kids, are so tired of reading your posts about bottles vs. breasts feeding and cute designs for how to store baby's first god-knows-what.
People who post spoilers. Seriously, what's wrong with you? You cannot post all about the big TV event the day after in detail, that's just common sense! Not everyone has HBO, AMC etc and/or were out and are going to watch it later in the week. In a world where live tv is mostly dead and people can watch anything at any time- you have to allow for delayed watching. If you absolutely have to post your feelings, you must clearly indicate a spoiler alert well in advance.
As with any public forum, there are always people who misbehave, use it irresponsibly and just shouldn't be allowed to post. There are the obvious cases of the morons who use it for cyber bullying- those people should be hung with their ethernet cables. There do exist other, less serious offences that people commit on a regular basis that are not nearly as bad but yet, are extremely annoying- they aren't Facebook felonies...more like misdemeanors. If you're guilty of any of them, stop it and punch yourself in the face. Here, my friends, are some of the different types:
Posting inspirational quotes and photos. Seriously, all you're inspiring people to do is to unfollow you It's lame, you're clogging up my timeline and I'd rather be jabbing myself in the eye. I get it , you're trying to be positive in a negative world...well I positively can't stand those 'be true to yourself' BS type posts- if I wanted to feel better about myself via Facebook, I'd look at how fat the people I went to high school got. It's preachy and you look desperate to cover up how sad you are inwardly...stop it.
The constant updater. I don't care that you just woke up. I don't care that you just had an awesome sandwich. I don't care that you're watching the game but might go out later. This is not twitter, it's not meant for instant updates, play-by-plays of the game you're watching or to share that you ate food.
The gamer. Facebook games are fun, addictive and enjoyable...and shared too easily. If your game doesn't show you that I also play it, do not send me an invite to play it. I will find you and I will end you. Stop it.
"Share if you love your daughter/son/mom/grandchild" etc. WTF are you proving by sharing that? Obviously you love your family member unless you're a Kardashian. What did you prove...that you love your family more than others love theirs? Or will your family member see that and think "oh well I wasn't sure if mom loved me, but she said so on Facebook so it must be true!" You want to tell someone you love them, how about calling them instead of trying to virtually show off how much you love someone.
The person who re-posts your photo or joke without giving you credit for it. You are the Dane Cook of Facebook, stop stealing other people's stuff to make yourself look funny. Feel free to Share posts, photos, vids etc but give the originator the credit at least.
Couples who only have one shared Facebook. You make me sick. You're two human beings, act like it. If you don't trust the other person enough to have their own Facebook, then you shouldn't have married them.
Parents who only post about parent stuff. You're a parent, congratulations. It's time consuming, life stealing and is a 24-7 job, but if that is all you are anymore, then maybe you should seek some help. Just a tip- those of your friends who don't have kids, are so tired of reading your posts about bottles vs. breasts feeding and cute designs for how to store baby's first god-knows-what.
People who post spoilers. Seriously, what's wrong with you? You cannot post all about the big TV event the day after in detail, that's just common sense! Not everyone has HBO, AMC etc and/or were out and are going to watch it later in the week. In a world where live tv is mostly dead and people can watch anything at any time- you have to allow for delayed watching. If you absolutely have to post your feelings, you must clearly indicate a spoiler alert well in advance.
Wednesday 8 April 2015
It's a chick thing...
While our modern society strives for gender equality, there are some gender divides that we may never close eg. a man will not get to breast feed a baby and women will still have to use plastic devices in order to pee standing up.
Here are a few things I believe than men will never truly understand:
- The joy of taking your bra off at the end of the day
- What a real 'bad hair day' is
- Cramps
- Crying about being fat while simultaneously eating a bag of chips
- Guilt
- The need for more than 2 pairs of shoes
- What the wings on pads are for
- Crying and laughing at the same time
- Why there is always one b*tch in the office
- Purses
- Why we keep everything in the world in those purses
- Why we keep everything in the world in those purses
- Why women in their early 20's date a**holes
- Flowers
- How truly aggravating pantyhose is
- Our relationships with our mothers
- Dancing like idiots with your best friend to bad music
- Different kinds of lotion
- Over-sized sweaters
- The importance of pedicures
- How bad your feet hurt in heels and the supreme joy when you take them off
- The cringe-worth effect when the doctor says 'Scooch down' during your annual physical
- Being able to text your bff all day every day and still have loads to chat about when you see them
- Having a good cry
- Societal pressure to want kids
- The awkwardness of getting a bra fitting
- Why we make funny faces when applying makeup
- We would almost all prefer chocolate to men
- Over-sized sweaters
- The importance of pedicures
- How bad your feet hurt in heels and the supreme joy when you take them off
- The cringe-worth effect when the doctor says 'Scooch down' during your annual physical
- Being able to text your bff all day every day and still have loads to chat about when you see them
- Having a good cry
- Societal pressure to want kids
- The awkwardness of getting a bra fitting
- Why we make funny faces when applying makeup
- We would almost all prefer chocolate to men
Thursday 2 April 2015
Wasted Talents
I am a person of many skills and talents...no really, I am. The fact is that I just can't list most of them on a resumé. If I could be completely honest about the things I'm best at, my resumé would be 15 pages long...and I would be perpetually unemployed.
So here is my true resumé with all of my true skills..
- I can speak almost entirely in Simpsons quotes.
- I can fall asleep just about anywhere, anytime
- I speak some Polish...all of it offensive.
- I can turn any conversation dirty is less than 3 seconds.
- I am a master at finding a good sale
- I can remember completely pointless trivia
- I almost never forget anyone's birthday, even if I haven't seen them in years.
- I always have a pun ready...a really bad pun.
- I can watch the same tv shows over and over in repeat and never tire of them
- I can make an entire large pizza disappear
- I can believe it's not butter
- I have the unique ability to trip over air
- I can watch Ghostbusters 2 and enjoy it
- I once completed a 25x25 Sudoku puzzle
- I can spend 2 hours doing my hair and still manage to have a bad hair day
- I can think of more than 20 excuses not to go to the gym in under 4 seconds
- I can convert healthy eating and exercise into fat....somehow
- I can listen to you attentively for hours on end and still not give a sh*t
- I can tell the difference between Coke and Pepsi
- I have never caved in to pressure and watched The Notebook
- I can pretty much recite all Harry Potter books from memory
- I let the dogs out
- I once almost touched my toes
- I am fluent in sarcasm...because that's useful...
- My desk drawer is stocked with just about anything you could ever need for any situation
So here is my true resumé with all of my true skills..
- I can speak almost entirely in Simpsons quotes.
- I can fall asleep just about anywhere, anytime
- I speak some Polish...all of it offensive.
- I can turn any conversation dirty is less than 3 seconds.
- I am a master at finding a good sale
- I can remember completely pointless trivia
- I almost never forget anyone's birthday, even if I haven't seen them in years.
- I always have a pun ready...a really bad pun.
- I can watch the same tv shows over and over in repeat and never tire of them
- I can make an entire large pizza disappear
- I can believe it's not butter
- I have the unique ability to trip over air
- I can watch Ghostbusters 2 and enjoy it
- I once completed a 25x25 Sudoku puzzle
- I can spend 2 hours doing my hair and still manage to have a bad hair day
- I can think of more than 20 excuses not to go to the gym in under 4 seconds
- I can convert healthy eating and exercise into fat....somehow
- I can listen to you attentively for hours on end and still not give a sh*t
- I can tell the difference between Coke and Pepsi
- I have never caved in to pressure and watched The Notebook
- I can pretty much recite all Harry Potter books from memory
- I let the dogs out
- I once almost touched my toes
- I am fluent in sarcasm...because that's useful...
- My desk drawer is stocked with just about anything you could ever need for any situation
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