29 Signs you might be a douchebag

Do douchebags know that they're douchebags?  It causes me pain to think that people cannot tell the difference between cool and douchy when it's staring them in the face wearing douchebag Raybans.  I have listed some signs you may want to reflect upon and ask yourself if you are indeed, a douchebag...this applies to women too.

Signs you may be a douchebag:

- You pop your collar
- You genuinely use the word 'bro'
- You have ever played a guitar with your shirt off
- You wear a wool hat when it's 25 degrees out
- You tell every single person you meet that you're into vegan and/or gluten-free
- You wear sunglasses indoors
- You only drink Starbucks coffee
- You wear hipster sneakers but they're still in mint condition
- You drink to get drunk
- Your only topic of conversation is you.
- You're loud in public to try to seem like you're 'wild' and having fun
- You park in a handicapped space without needing it
- When hanging out with people, you spend the whole time on your phone
- You constantly cancel and flake on plans, especially at the last minute
- You're always into new 'cleanses'
- You post 'inspirational' crap online
- You post general 'I'm so thankful' or 'You are Awesome' on Facebook
- You don't BYOB
- You sign the card but didn't contribute for the gift
- You always have an excuse
- You can't laugh at yourself
- You act 'too cool' for anything and everything
- You didn't spray your cologne/perfume on so as much as you marinated in it
- You make everyone else change their plans to accommodate you
- You don't like animals
- You post online about your workouts
- You wear more gold jewelery than the Pharaohs of old
- Your car is almost as loud as the horrible music you're playing out of it
- You think being a 'nice guy' is lame

Ok, this is all I can think of for now...feel free to add your own...so many douchebags..so little time...so little Nerf bats to beat them with. 

No husband, no kids, no problem!

This Christmas, I will be the last of my family to neither be married nor have kids...I am the last single one.  While my immediately family is as insane as I am, they are not usually so socially inept as to ask the typical ‘when is it your turn?’ type questions.  But, someone always does.  So, here are my answers as to why I am not married and have no kids:

•  It’s against my parole
• It’s against my lease
•  I prefer pets...they’re quieter and cheaper and don’t sass me as much and if you want the pitter-patter of little feet...they have twice the amount of feet!
• Yesterday I slept for 14 hours straight...when is the last time any parent did that?
•  I prefer looking at travel brochures, not articles about how everything is dangerous to kids.
• Marriage is a joke
•  My big decision today is if I have time to get both my hair and nails done before heading out to the pub...and I like it that way.
•  My adorable nephew’s idea of playing is to cough in someone’s mouth...no thanks.
• Cartoons suck these days, I’d hate for a child to have to grow up with these poor substitutes
•  My man is with me by choice, not a legal document preventing him from leaving
•  I still think of drool, puke and poop as what happens after too much Jaeger
• I don’t like waking up for a job that pays me money let alone a human being who will cry and pee on me
• Based on my family, I don’t trust my genetics to risk spawning
• Episiotomies...enough said.
• Can’t drink during pregnancy....ya, that’s not going to work for me
• This world is over-populated, you should be thanking me!
• I can't even commit to a paint colour
• I can't keep a plant alive 
• I don't have to sensor myself when watching hockey
• I've forgotten way too much of what I learned in school to attempt teaching another person
• I still get to dance to Beyoncé's "Single Ladies"