New Greetings Cards

Today marks the 2 year anniversary of this blog

*crickets*

My bloggiversary may not exactly be the event of the year, but it did make me think of how many occasions there are without sufficient greeting card availability.  So while I will forgive my readers (all 0.3 of you) for not sending me a card to celebrate this milestone, I will mark this monument of life with some of my ideas for cards that Hallmark just doesn't have covered yet:

"Congratulations on finally dumping the gf/bf I've always hated but never had the heart to tell you so"

"Happy Freedom from your cellular contract day!"- given to commemorate the last day of your Bell/Rogers/Telus contract- the day you are free from one evil to go get screwed the exact same way by one of the others in a viscous customer-f**king cycle.

"Congratulations on passing that tape worm!"

"I'm sorry I gave you the herp"

"My deepest condolences that your child grew up to be a douchebag"

"Congrats on having a hot sibling, can I come for dinner more often?"

"You Did It! You found your keys in your purse on the first try!"

"Happy one year anniversary of not using the word 'bro', keep it up!"

"Happy Birthday Kitty" - to be given to your cat on his/her bday (please note: yes, I did wish my cat a happy birthday AND bought her a present).

"Thank you for always being the fat friend"

"My sincerest apologies for calling your baby ugly, I didn't mean for you to hear that"

"Way to get through high school without getting knocked up!"

"My deepest sympathies on finding out you're over 40 and pregnant"

"Let's celebrate! Our husbands weren't on the Ashley Madison subscribers list!"

"Happy anniversary of losing your virginity to some random dude!"

"Congratulations that your celebrity crush is getting a divorce!"

"Thank you for not telling my parents all the awful stuff we did in high school"

"Happy good hair day!"

"Congratulations on finally stopping dressing like a two-dollar hooker"

"You're getting married! Why?!"

" I'm sorry that you accidentally sexted your mom/dad"

"Congrats! You stopped f**king swearing!"