The Newlywed Game

As a newlywed, people all ask you the same list of predictable questions, and you get very weary of giving the same answers to the same 'small talk' type questions over and over.  Luckily, I am a smartass.  This means I have some backup answers to the typical questions that I whip out when I'm especially exasperated by the line of conversation:


How long were you together before you got married?
- about 5 minutes, but a green-card's a green-card, am I right?
- all my life, because we're cousins
- we've technically been dating for 5 years but I stalked him for another 4 before that.

Does being married feel different?
- yes, I find it's much harder to keep the homicidal tendencies in check
- yes, it now burns when I pee
- no, I've been dead inside for years
- not really, except it does make it harder emotionally to keep sleeping with yo' momma

Thinking about having kids?
- I did, but then their mom caught me luring them into the van
- we can't have kids...it's against my parole
- yes, would you also like to know about my menstrual cycles if we're getting so personal?
- no, we're too afraid they'd turn out to be a jerk like you.
- we are waiting to learn more about the serial killer genetic study

Was it a big wedding?
- yes, we invited everyone in the world, just not you.
- no, my prison cell was only big enough for a small group
- we had 50 guests...all cats.
-we were attended by 73 African shaman and 2 goats...so ya know, the usual.

Where was the honeymoon?
- Jane and Finch
- IHop, we got extra bacon
- Mordor
- Azkaban

Do you like being married?
-yes, I am enjoying letting myself go
-no, it's awful and sucks...is that what you want to hear?
-sure, when my spouse dies, I get money!
- of course, I love my tax deduction, I mean, spouse.