Food Crimes

We all eat, some of us more than others, but we all eat food.  There is a massive variety of foods available in all parts of the world and infinite ways to prepare, serve and prepare all different types of food.  As such, this means that there are ones that you, as an individual, like and some that you don't like and others may agree with you on some of those opinions and people who disagree with you.

I grew up a picky eater who disliked a ton of foods and ate only a select few (most of these were purchased from McDonald's); however as I have grown older, I have expanded my horizons (and my pant size).  Despite being more open to a lot of foods, there are still some things I still simple can not abide.

The following food crimes shall be punishable by death once I take over the world (it will happen, and you will all thank me)

- Ketchup on KD.  You are a monster.  Why would you want runny sweetness mixed in with the creamy fake-cheese??  KD is perfect, don't ruin it

- Plain chips...seriously?  Ok with dip but people who just eat plain chips without anything...I don't trust them- they are probably serial killers

- French Toast- soaking bread in egg is just weird, you are weird....stop being weird!!

- Mustard- Satan's condiment.... I don't care that most people like this- I will cut you over this.

- Melons...other than watermelon, there is simply no need- melons only exist so that restaurants can screw you out of giving you extra delicious bacon by filling up your plate with these fruit-bominations

- Putting anything on poutine- poutine is perfect, why would you mess with perfection?!  It doesn't need your stupid pork, your heathen ketchup or your sacrilegious taco toppings, be gone!

- Olives.  I don't care, they are only good for oil and you can bite my shiny metal ass on this one.

- Tomato Soup- this is just failed pasta sauce, you are not wanted!

- Anything from Arby's....seriously, if you go to Arby's, you'd be better off eating the wrappings than the "food" inside.

- Canned peas- literally the worst thing to ever exist,...literally.

- Putting anything in pancakes- leave them alone, it's already light fluffy and delicious. don't mess with that batter!  You can out syrup, jam, peanut butter or a heap of cocaine on them once they're made, that's fine....but don't add to the batter!!

- Hawaiian pizza- it's like putting flame decals on a 1969 Corvette...do not desecrate such a beautiful being with your filth.

- Oatmeal Raisin cookies...they look like nice regular chocolate chip cookies but they're not...they're lies!!

- Black Licorice....sorry dad, but it's just wrong, it tastes like someone burned regular licorice and then put it back in the package.

- Well-done steak....you make me sick if you get anything over medium.  Did you know that restaurants will give you a worse cut of meat the more well-done you get your steak?  That's because they hate you like I do, you've ruined a good piece of meat!

- Carrot muffins- they tried to sell carrots as a dessert food during the war due to a sugar shortage...well the war is over an we can stop pretending that carrots belong in the 'sweet' category get them out of my desserts!

Ok, so there are more foods that I don't like to eat, but I left them off the list because I can respect their existence; for example all seafood.  While I may hate it, I respect it's right to exist and can understand why other like it.  The ones I have named above, however, will be destroyed when my glorious revolution takes over.

Bonne Appetit comrades.