The Hatred for Pants Explained

"Don't you hate pants?!" said Homer Simpson... and yes, I really do.

How can a person hate pants? Oh...I hate them...I hate them more than I hate that leg jerk you get sometimes when you're just about to fall asleep that wakes you right up.

My hatred is based on two main factors: 1. I am a girl  2. I spent the majority of my life as plus sized.  These two simple factors are not exactly uncommon (especially if you've ever been to the southern US states) yet they make the love of a good pant a rare thing.

If I were to meet the makers of jeans, pants, capris, shorts etc. I think that my main question would be "Who the living hell are you using as a sizing model?"  No woman that I know has an easy time buying any kind of pant because nothing fits.  My body type was never something so rare that I should never have expected to find clothing to fit my freakish frame, I have been overweight but I was at no point shaped like a starfish, oblong or Dyson vaccuum cleaner..so why, no matter the size, can I not find pants that fit a woman's body?

Do they fit around your waist?  Well they probably make your butt look big.  Do they make your legs look slim?  I bet they're 4 feet too long.  Are they your usual size?  I bet they make you look like you've got bigger saddle bags than John Wayne.

Even after losing weight, I have yet to find a pair of pants that fit properly, be they jeans, capris, khakis, dress pants or the like.

The only exception is, of course, sweatpants (not yoga pants, I don't do yoga pants, they are only flattering if you have a yoga body).  There needs to be a movement in the fashion world to make sweatpants 'in' at all times, not just on casual Fridays and lazy Sundays.  I know that many women wear them around out now...but you can't help but feel like they should be trolling the aisles of Wal-Mart in them.

My other pant related issue is with shorts.  Ladies, call me old fashioned, but I believe that your shorts should be longer than your vagina.

How short are shorts before they're just considered underwear?!  I have seen far too much ass cheek, thigh jiggle and upper thigh whiteness to be a supporter of shorts.  Throw on a pair of these denim panty-wannabes and one of the tiny tank tops and I feel like women are now walking around in their underwear.  I am not a fashonista, I have been guilty of numerous fashion crimes (I most often dress similar to a 15 year old boy)...but every time I walk past one of these women it reminds me to book my next gynecologist appointment.

So, I call on the designers, the fashion savvy and the pant-wearing world at large, that we need a pant revolution.  Pants that fit...not a hard concept.  They can put a rover on Mars, they can decode a genome...but yet they cannot create a pair of jeans to fit a regular woman.

The day moo-moo's become socially acceptable will the happiest day in history.