Dear Parents...

I will preface this with the fact that I do not have kids, I have nephews, but I myself, am not a parent.

Ok, now that that’s out of the way, what the hell is wrong with parents?!? 

Let me specify…not all parents…I take issue with parents who take their kids shopping and let their little terrors roam the stores freely.

I was in the grocery store at lunch and a woman had brought her 4 kids with her, all of whom had to range in age from 4-10 years old (I’m assuming they were her kids based on the fact that most of them were loudly yelling ‘MOM’ at her while in line, begging for this treat or that or whining about god only knows what).  Two of the boys were running up and down the line, shoving into people, knocking things over and just overall being little sh*theads.  The mother stood there, reading her gossip rag, picking her 4 inch nails and sucking on her teeth.

Now please tell me why it is against the law for me to trip these children and smack their mom with my grocery basket?

I witness this same phenomenon often in the best place on Earth to see the failings of humanity….Wal-Mart!

Many parents are under the delusion that a store is a substitute for a babysitter…as through the teenager with the nametag  being paid minimum wage gives a rat’s ass about your screaming little monster’s well-being.  Is there a baby bonus if your child is abducted from a store?  Is that why they do it?  Are they regretting the spawning of their flawed DNA and are hoping that someone will randomly take them off their hands?

My basic theory is…if you aren’t going to teach your kids how to behave in public, don’t expect me to behave by not smacking the living snot out of all of you. 

“Don’t tell me how to raise my kids!”….oh yeah?  Well, don’t tell me how to drive my car after I run your ignorant behind down, get out, give your kids a list of horrible swear words and encourage them to use them at school.

On the opposite end of the spectrum, I see some parents walking with their kids on leashes…literally! A freakin leash!  You know that kid is going to have some serious attachment issues in high school.  You might as well name that kid Milton, teach him to play Dungeons and Dragons and kiss your future grandchildren goodbye.

Really, it comes down to teaching your child how to behave like a normal human being in public and teaching them just how not to be an a**hole. 

I could do a whole other rant about parents who don’t control their kids in restaurants…especially nicer restaurants like Keg where people are trying to relax, maybe celebrate and have a romantic night…but little baby screams-a-lot just wails the entire time while Mama and Papa Jerkass sit there oblivious to the fact that their pride and joy is the bane of everyone else’s existence. 

But I’ll save that for another day.