Wasted Talents

I am a person of many skills and talents...no really, I am.  The fact is that I just can't list most of them on a resumé.  If I could be completely honest about the things I'm best at, my resumé would be 15 pages long...and I would be perpetually unemployed.

So here is my true resumé with all of my true skills..

- I can speak almost entirely in Simpsons quotes.
- I can fall asleep just about anywhere, anytime
- I speak some Polish...all of it offensive.
- I can turn any conversation dirty is less than 3 seconds.
- I am a master at finding a good sale
- I can remember completely pointless trivia
- I almost never forget anyone's birthday, even if I haven't seen them in years.
- I always have a pun ready...a really bad pun.
- I can watch the same tv shows over and over in repeat and never tire of them
- I can make an entire large pizza disappear
- I can believe it's not butter
- I have the unique ability to trip over air
- I can watch Ghostbusters 2 and enjoy it
- I once completed a 25x25 Sudoku puzzle
- I can spend 2 hours doing my hair and still manage to have a bad hair day
- I can think of more than 20 excuses not to go to the gym in under 4 seconds
- I can convert healthy eating and exercise into fat....somehow
- I can listen to you attentively for hours on end and still not give a sh*t
- I can tell the difference between Coke and Pepsi
- I have never caved in to pressure and watched The Notebook
- I can pretty much recite all Harry Potter books from memory
- I let the dogs out
- I once almost touched my toes
- I am fluent in sarcasm...because that's useful...
- My desk drawer is stocked with just about anything you could ever need for any situation